(2005-03-19) — The National Organization for Women (NOW) today held a jubilant news conference to celebrate the latest advance in women’s rights — the right to have your estranged husband choose to end your life.

“First, it was women’s suffrage — the right to vote — then abortion, the right to privacy,” said an unnamed NOW spokesman. “Finally, a man has led the way in freeing us from the antiquated bigotry that has kept our former husbands from choosing a slow, painful death for us.”

The NOW source said the court-ordered removal of Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube, based on the testimony of Michael Schiavo alone has “opened a world of opportunities for women to freely die at the hands of the men they love.”

“The next time you tell your husband ‘I’d rather die than go to that party,’ you can rest assured that your words have legal weight and, if the occasion arises, your wishes will be respected,” said the NOW source. “What’s more, you’re free from the worry that your man will be prosecuted for your murder.”

Michael Schiavo lives with another woman and their two children. He developed this “backup family” according to his lawyer, “to assuage his eventual grief over the coming loss of Terri — the woman he loves to death.”

Legal experts at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) also praised the “new progressive precedent in contract law.”

“The court has affirmed that a verbal contract where the only witness is one of the contracting parties is legally binding even if that witness has already violated a written contract, in this case a marriage license, verbally affirmed before dozens of witnesses,” said the ACLU expert. “The bias against known contract-breakers is gone. This also gives a more influential voice before the courts to our nation’s incapacitated, comatose and dead citizens. Their wishes can be determined by the words of their beneficiaries without the hassle of documentation or multiple witnesses.”

Related recent headlines….
:: Schiavo Hailed as Anti-Obesity Champion (2005-03-18)
:: Janet Reno Rescues Terri Schiavo in Daring Raid (2005-03-11)
:: Michael Schiavo to Auction Terri on eBay (2005-02-24)
:: Terri Schiavo Diet Book Tops Bestseller List (2005-02-22)
:: Terri Schiavo Spared by ‘Endangered’ Designation (2005-02-19)
:: Michael Schiavo Slips Into ‘Carnivorative State’ (2004-10-28)