(2005-02-23) — In an effort to strengthen Congressional Republicans’ resolve to reduce non-defense spending by one percent, President George Bush today offered to increase federal funding for research aimed at “stiffening the spines of elected officials.”

“Scientists tell me there may be a genetic defect which allows members of my party to campaign against government waste but then, once they’re elected, to refuse to reduce spending or eliminate useless programs,” said Mr. Bush. “The condition makes them look like they have no spine.”

The president said this spinal deformity causes a gap between the brain’s communication center and the motor neurons which lead to action.

“For the layman, you might call it a conflict between the talk and the walk,” Mr. Bush said. “Although researchers tell me we’re nowhere near a cure, I think the American people would be willing to invest in the hope that someday these politicians might be able to stand up, straighten their spines and achieve at least some minimal level of functionality.”

Post This to Your Facebook