(2004-12-07) — Hamid Karzai, the first freely-elected ruler in Afghanistan’s 5,000 year history, took the presidential oath of office in Kabul today, and immediately denied using anabolic steriods to enhance his performance as a politician.

“My personal trainer has given me nothing but fresh juices and a little Absorbine Junior,” said the new Afghan president, “But I want to deny using steroids so that the story of my historic inauguration might appear in American media reports about the significant events of this day.”

Indeed, Mr. Karzai’s name has not been mentioned in any leaked grand jury testimony about the Major League Baseball performance-enhancing substance scandal.

American journalists immediately began efforts to verify Mr. Karzai’s claim that Afghanistan’s first open elections were made possible by U.S. military power which ousted a totalitarian, terrorist-harboring regime.