(2004-08-30) — On the eve of the Republican National Convention, as anti-Bush protestors gathered near New York’s Madison Square Garden, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry called for the abolition of the electoral college. Instead, he proposed that presidential elections “be decided by chants.”

“We have heard democracy in action from the vox populi-the voice of the people-in the streets of New York City this weekend,” said Mr. Kerry, a decorated Vietnam Veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator. “It’s time to retire the antiquated electoral college system and let chants rule our nation.”

Under the Kerry plan, political party leaders would select a chanting delegate from each state, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and the District of Columbia. The day after the election, the chanters would assemble in Lafayette Park, near the White House, and begin unison shouting of their presidential preference using clever, rhyming couplets.

Judges from the United Nations would award points for creativity, volume and degree of difficulty. The Secretary-General of the U.N. would make the final decision.

“If we want to regain our credibility in the world,” said Mr. Kerry, “We need the imprimatur of the U.N., and we need a system that doesn’t disenfranchise those who can’t read or can’t follow directions. As Democrats, we have long believed that substantive change happens by chants.”