(2004-02-24) — Churches across America have bought up all of the theater tickets for the rest of this year’s showings of the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ, so that church-going Christians can enjoy the movie repeatedly.

According to one denominational official, “pagans can wait until it comes out on DVD.”

“We see this film as the greatest missionary tool in a generation,” said one unnamed denominational official. “It’s too good to be wasted on the ‘lost’, the pagan non-believers. We’re going to use the movie to prove to church members that Jesus is Lord and, more importantly, that He’s a blockbuster hit and just as cool as any other celebrity. Christians don’t have to feel like freaks anymore.”

“Once they see the movie,” said an unnamed pastor of a small Illinois congregation, “they’ll finally realize that what they’ve heard in church all these years is really true.”

Licensed merchandise for The Passion is flying off the shelves of Christian retailers. Among the most popular items, a button that reads: “I Believe in Jesus…Now Showing at a Theater Near You.”

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