(2004-01-27) — In the wake of a new study which shows that 25 percent of the nation’s public schools fail to meet the standards of the No Child Left Behind law, the Bush administration today announced a tutoring program to help the low-performers.

“Essentially, the smart schools will tutor the stupid schools,” said an unnamed senior official in the Department of Education (DOE). “With a little one-on-one attention, some of these slow and low performers may catch up with the rest.”

Under the terms of the new $98 billion plan, under-performing schools will stay after school three days each week to receive remedial education from best-in-class schools.

“Some people say that there’s no way a remote federal bureaucracy can force accountability on 91,400 schools in a bloated, unionized public education system,” said the DOE spokesman. “But we’re not giving up yet. As long as we have ideas to try and taxpayer dollars to spend, we’ll keep the dream of federally-controlled education alive for all freedom-loving Americans.”

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