(2005-07-15) — President George Bush today fired longtime friend and political wizard Karl Rove, the embattled White House deputy chief of staff at the center of the most devastating scandal to engulf a presidency in the history of the republic.

In the same news conference, the president announced that he would replace Mr. Rove with columnist Robert Novak, who broke the story that Valerie Plame was a famous covert CIA ‘operative’.

“Bob Novak knows what’s going on in Washington better than his predecessor did,” said Mr. Bush. “He’s the one who told Karl that Ambassador Joe Wilson’s wife was a spy. People talk to Novak. He’s a regular Oprah Winfrey.”

Mr. Bush also said he “admires the resilience of the scrappy columnist.”

“This Plame thing has got one reporter in jail, another turning state’s evidence and Karl Rove spilling his guts three times before the grand jury,” said Mr. Bush, “but not Bob Novak. He’s a Chevy truck — like a rock. He’s the one who lit the fire. He’s not talking, but he’s still walking. I’m going to have him spray some of that Teflon on the White House.”

In related news, an unnamed source close to the prosecutor’s office said the Bush administration coverup of the Rove scandal continues.

“The president’s team is quite clever,” said the anonymous source. “They’re trying to bury us in information by giving us all that we’ve requested — documents, testimony…everything. The fact that the White House is not being secretive with the grand jury or the prosecutor is the main evidence of criminal activity.”

(2005-07-14) — President George Bush today announced he would send former Ambassador Joe Wilson into Washington D.C. to probe whether White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent.

“When we sent Joe Wilson to Niger a few years ago,” Mr. Bush said, “he couldn’t find evidence to prove or disprove whether Iraq sought nuculer (sic) materials, so he said Saddam Hussein was innocent. Now, I’m sending him to find out whether Karl Rove outed a CIA agent. I’m sure Mr. Wilson will conduct his investigation with the same skill and work-ethic he used in Niger.”

Mr. Wilson immediately announced that he would launch his probe by having tea with some people who had once met Mr. Rove.

An unnamed source in Vice President Cheney’s office said Mr. Wilson was recommended for the Rove investigation by a famous covert CIA agent to whom Mr. Wilson is married.

(2005-07-13) — In an effort to bring credibility to a media realm populated by “agenda-driven, rumor-mongering, unedited hacks who blur the line between fact and opinion,” CBS News announced today it would launch a ‘blog’ called ‘Public Eye‘.

“The word ‘blog’ — short for weblog — has traditionally meant an online journal of commentary on the news which uninformed readers often mistake for actual news,” said Andrew Heyward, president of CBS News. “Public Eye will bring legitimacy to the medium the way United Nations involvement legitimizes U.S. foreign policy.”

‘Public Eye’ will differ from the vast majority of news-oriented blogs, Mr. Heyward said, “because it will be written by attractive veteran reporters, dressed in business attire, rather than disgruntled journalist-wannabes, lounging in pajamas.”

“The blogosphere should welcome the arrival of this 900-pound gorilla of the news business,” he added. “The presence of CBS News in the blog market will breathe new life into a dying beast, and rescue it from extinction. The blogosphere will soon be associated with the trust that Dan Rather and other unbiased CBS journalists have earned over the decades.”

(2005-07-10) — A tearful Karl Rove waved goodbye to reporters from the White House lawn today before boarding Marine One for his final ride in the presidential helicopter.

Mr. Rove’s long political career came to a shameful end when his attorney was forced to admit that in 2003 the White House political advisor didn’t even know the name of the wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, nor what she did in her job at the CIA.

Official Washington has buzzed for weeks over rumors that Mr. Rove was the White House insider who blew CIA Agent Valerie Plame’s cover.

But according to a memo written by Newsweek reporter Matthew Cooper, Mr. Rove didn’t seem to know Ms. Plame’s name, and had only a vague notion of what she did for a living.

The revelation sent shock waves through an administration that had relied heavily on Mr. Rove to make the president look competent.

“I have asked my dear friend Karl Rove to step down, for the good of the nation,” said President Bush in a brief statement to reporters. “Karl will be tough to replace. As most of you know, he’s the one who makes me look smart, even though I’m of average intelligence, with college grades no better than Sen. John Kerry’s.”

(2005-07-09) — Law enforcement authorities in major U.S. cities put riot police on high alert today after recently-jailed journalist Judith Miller complained that prison guards had desecrated her copy of The New York Times.

“We know that journalists worship the Times,” said one deputy police chief, “If they take to the streets in protest, things could get ugly fast.”

Ms. Miller, who works for the Times’ counter-intelligence department, told an unnamed visitor that her copy of the revered ‘Gray Lady’ had been carelessly tossed on the floor, handled by a conservative Republican jailer (who she called ‘an infidel’) and may have been used as a lining for a cat’s litter box.

“They did everything but flush it down the toilet,” she said. “They have no respect for the ‘paper of record’, may it publish forever, nor for the wise and powerful ones who create this daily miracle.”

Wednesday, a judge sentenced Ms. Miller to jail for obstructing a federal investigation into who leaked the identity of a covert CIA operative, Valerie Plame, who also posed for pictures in a top-secret issue of Vanity Fair magazine.

(2005-07-07) — Leaders of the world’s major industrialized nations, meeting in Scotland at the G8 Summit today, said they would consider al-Qaeda’s latest proposal to “end modern civilization and return to the glorious days of feudalism.”

The al-Qaeda offer came in the form of multiple explosions during rush hour in London, drenching buses and trains with the blood of ordinary working people.

“Modern civilization had a good long run,” said one unnamed global diplomat, “and these Qaeda chaps have made a serious proposal that one must consider. It should spark thoughtful discussion at the G8 about whether Western values have become obsolete in the face of the growing popularity of this progressive Islamic lifestyle.”

In related news, we’re all Britons now.

(2005-07-05) — President George Bush, on his way to the G8 Gleneagles summit in Scotland, told reporters gathered near his helicopter today that he sees a crucial connection between the two major issues on the G8 agenda — global warming and African poverty.

“Everybody feels sorry for the poor people of Africa, because they’re not industrialized yet,” said the president. “But looking at the bright side, they’re also not cranking out too much greenhouse gas either.”

Mr. Bush said any G8 agreement on the two issues should take into account the impact African development could have on the Kyoto protocols on global warming.

“The last thing in the world we need is 20 or 30 more developed nations producing prosperity, buying up SUVs and destroying our atmosphere,” he said.

The White House said the president has worked with international diplomats Bob Geldof and Bono to craft a proposal that would keep Africa in “clean, green sustainable poverty” for the foreseeable future through a series of charity rock concerts.

(2005-07-02) — Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA, today criticized President George Bush’s as-yet-unnamed replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor as a “brutal, Bible-thumping, right-wing ideologue who hates minorities, women and cocker spaniels.”

“He or she is clearly outside the mainstream of American values,” said Sen. Kennedy. “President Bush has again ignored the Senate’s ‘advice and consent‘ role, forcing Democrats to filibuster this outrageous nominee.”

The Massachusetts Senator said his aides have already discovered “reams of memos” showing that the man or woman Mr. Bush will appoint has “a history of abusing subordinates, dodging military service, hiring undocumented workers, spanking his or her children and rolling back the clock on human rights to the days when the Pharaohs ruled Egypt with an iron fist.”

The Senator’s office issued a news release to the media documenting the allegations against the potential high court judge, with a convenient blank line allowing reporters to fill in the nominee’s name as soon as that information is leaked.