(2004-11-24) — The blogosphere, an ad hoc network of news commentary web journals created by pajama-clad scribes who write so well they don’t need editors, claimed another triumph this week, forcing the retirement of Dan Rather, a 73-year-old news anchor whose show ranked a distant third in a field of three.

“We have put the MSM [main stream media] on notice,” wrote one unnamed blogger. “If we can do this to a septuagenarian at the sunset of his career, who can withstand our withering firepower?”

The official unnamed spokesman for the blogosphere said the next target for “Operation Early Retirement” is 86-year-old CBS correspondent Mike Wallace.

(2004-11-24) — A secret provision in the proposed 3,600-page omnibus spending bill for 2005 would require members of Congress to actually read the text of legislation before voting.

Buried on page 1,776 of the bill, the hidden clause sparked outrage from both sides of the aisle after it was discovered by an employee of the Congressional printing service.

“This sneak-and-peek provision is a violation of our fundamental rights as legislators,” said one unnamed Republican Senator. “If you require lawmakers to actually read the text of bills, then they would lose plausible deniability and become accountable for their votes. This would shake the foundations of our constitutional republic.”

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, joined the bipartisan chorus of opposition to the secret measure.

“If we actually read these bills, then we would know the specifics about billions of dollars of pork barrel projects for all of our districts,” she said. “And of course some unnamed Congressman would start leaking this to the media and, before you know it, Americans would start believing that the federal budget is just an elaborate scheme to defraud taxpayers of their hard-earned money in order to fund local projects that local citizens have already decided aren’t worth the money. Our whole system of power…or rather, of democracy, would collapse.”

President George Bush, when asked what he thought of the hidden provision, said, “I think every American should learn to read no later than his third term in Congress. I believe in accountability. We need to test our elected officials for reading comprehension and put an end to the soft bigotry of low expectations.”

(2004-11-23) — Veteran CBS News anchor Dan Rather this afternoon said he was “scrambling like a gila monster on hot sand” to verify allegations that he will step down from his role on the CBS Evening News in March 2005.

“If this is true, I want to break this story,” said Mr. Rather as he rushed from his office to track down a hot tip on the story. “I received a fax from a Kinko’s in Texas indicating that I’m relinquishing the anchor desk, but we need to run this past several handwriting experts and get it fully vetted before we break into programming with the announcement.”

(2004-11-23) — President George Bush today redoubled his efforts to overhaul the nation’s intelligence system and blamed the CIA for its failure to warn him of a weekend rebellion by two Congressional Republicans which scuttled a vote on legislation he has backed.

“The president was blindsided because the CIA didn’t coordinate intelligence gathering and analysis with the FBI and the Pentagon,” said White House spokesman Trent Duffy. “We need more agents on the ground in the halls of Congress, and we need to be willing to work with some nefarious characters in order to get the information that will enhance our security.”

According to a unnamed CIA source, the president had been told that the intel reform bill was “a slam dunk.”

(2004-11-23) — A $388 billion omnibus spending bill which was held up over the weekend by discovery of a secret provision allowing Congress to examine individual tax returns met another roadblock today when a Senate aide found that the 3,000-page measure contained the entire text of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s memoir, Living History.

“We’re busy politicians,” said Sen. John McCain, R-AZ. “We don’t have time to plow through thousands of pages of legislation. Congress votes based on what the Washington Post says the bill contains.”

Meanwhile, Sen. Clinton’s office released a statement condemning what she called the “vast right-wing conspiracy to put my book where nobody will ever see it.”

(2004-11-22) — A brutal fistfight among golfers and fans at this weekend’s Dunlop Phoenix in Miyazaki, Japan, may result in the suspension of top players from several nations, and again raises concerns about how the so-called “Cadillac and Callaway” attitude which has dominated the game may contribute to a coarsening of the culture.

PGA executives continue to review videotape of the incident, which apparently started when a fan standing near the tee box shouted ‘Miss it!’ while Tiger Woods was in mid-swing.

“You can’t blame the golfers,” said an unnamed PGA source. “A lot of these kids came from the suburbs, and you can’t change their behavior just by paying them millions of dollars.”

(2004-11-22) — Iran today said it had suspended uranium enrichment as part of a deal negotiated with several European Union countries which, for their part, have agreed to suspend disbelief.

“It’s like going to a stage play,” said an unnamed French official familiar with the negotiations. “In the theatre we know that the people on stage are just actors but, for the sake of entertainment, we suspend disbelief. It’s make believe and we all feel good about ourselves.”

In addition to freezing uranium enrichment, Iran also announced it would destroy its stockpiles of sand.

(2004-11-21) — Two House Republicans, who delayed a vote on a bill overhauling the nation’s intelligence services as recommended by the 9/11 commission, today offered a deal aimed at breaking the stalemate.

Under the terms of the new amendment, any illegal immigrant would still be able to get a driver’s license like those held by all 19 of the 9/11 terrorists, which he could then use as valid identification to get a job in the new Office of National Intelligence (ONI).

“The fact is that illegal immigrants make great spies,” said Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-WI, whose objection to the intel bill’s lack of immigration reforms had stalled its passage. “I want a guy who knows how to sneak around, and how to get fake ID working for our new spook agency. Many illegal aliens look like foreigners, so they’ll blend right in when they spy on terror cells. And it will keep them off the welfare rolls.”

House Armed Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter, R-CA, said the new amendment also includes a provision to ensure clear lines of authority between ONI, CIA, FBI, the Pentagon and battlefield commanders.

“We took the lines-of-authority concept from baseball,” said Mr. Hunter. “Basically, when a intelligence decision needs to be made, the first agency director to holler ‘I got it’ will have the authority, and the other ones have to back off.”

(2004-11-20) — Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-CA, has proposed an amendment to a $388 billion must-pass spending bill which would require all employees of the federal government to receive training in how to administer an abortion.

The amendment is designed to counter an effort by Senate Republicans to forbid discrimination by the federal government against health care professionals who refuse to do abortions.

“If the right-wing has its way, the federal government will become a threat to women everywhere,” said Ms. Boxer. “By equipping every federal worker to provide abortions, my amendment puts a big smiley face on every government building, vehicle and name badge. It says to women, ‘The government loves you. You’re safe with us.’”

(2004-11-20) — Former Sen. Tom Daschle, on the heels of a triumphant career which saw him lead Senate Democrats to minority status and intensify the meaning of that word ‘minority’, celebrated the end of an era in the Senate chamber last night.

On his way out of the building, a reporter shouted: “Sen. Daschle, you’ve become the first party leader in 50 years to lose a Senate re-election bid, what are you going to do next?”

Mr. Daschle looked back over his shoulder and said, “I’m going to the Clinton library…and then, not to sound redundant, I’m going to Disney World.”