(2004-09-24) — As part of his continued effort to portray himself as tougher on terrorism than President Bush, Democrat rival John Forbes Kerry said today, “When I’m President of the United States, I will kill Usama bin Laden with my own bare hands.”

“George W. Bush let bin Laden escape from Tora Bora, because Bush never served in combat,” said Mr. Kerry, a professional Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator. “When I’m president I will make it my personal priority to track down bin Laden and slay him with these mighty, sinewy hands.”

Mr. Kerry said he would “hunt bin Laden like a migratory waterfowl-pursuing him on bicycle, windsurfing board, skis and even my family’s SUV if necessary. Yes, I’m so serious about defending America from terror that I’m willing to sully the atmosphere for a time, if that’s what it takes.”

(2004-09-23) — A House-Senate conference committee agreed late last night to extend several tax breaks for middle-income Americans and to pay for the loss of $145 billion in revenue over 10 years through a series of federal government bake sales.

“The Democrats on the committee kept whining about how we would pay for the cost of these extended tax cuts,” said one unnamed aide to a U.S. Senator. “The Republicans tried to convince them that tax cuts don’t cost money, they generate commerce which is good for America because the money is at the disposal of the people who earned it. So we compromised.”

Under the Republican proposed deal, contracts with Federal government employees will be amended to require the production of one baked good each year, using ingredients and facilities owned by the employee. Once each month, all federal buildings will hold a bake sale with the proceeds from the sale going directly to the Internal Revenue Service.

A spokesman for the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), representing 600,000 people on the taxpayer-funded federal payroll, immediately announced his union would fight the new measure in court.

“Our underpaid, overworked federal government employees don’t have the money nor the time to fulfill this new burdensome duty,” the unnamed AFGE source said. “Besides, who in their right mind would eat a cake baked by a federal bureaucrat? Did I actually say that, or just think it?”

(2004-09-22) — After the singer formerly known as Cat Stevens (TSFKACS) was detained by federal agents in Bangor, Maine, as he attempted to enter the United States, other 1970s pop stars lobbied to get their names included on the Department of Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.

“Cat Stevens shouldn’t be grabbing all the glory and the royalties,” said Terry Jacks, whose hit “Seasons in the Sun” captivated the nation in 1974. “There are others out there you know — T. Rex, Helen Reddy, Rick Derringer — many of them are still alive. Each of us deserves a place on the terrorist watch list, and the publicity that comes with it.”

Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge said his department is currently considering requests for inclusion on the watch list from the following: Carl Douglas (’Kung Fu Fighting’), Stealers Wheel (’Stuck in the Middle with You’), Van McCoys (’The Hustle’), Gary Wright (’Dream Weaver’), John Sebastian (’Welcome Back’) and Nick Gilder (’Hot Child in the City’).

“Now that we have the Cat formerly known as Stevens in custody,” said Mr. Ridge, “Other former pop stars will be reluctant to try to penetrate our borders. We’ve sent a clear signal to potential singer/terrorists: If you try to export your brand of music/terror here, you’ll end up cooling your heels in Bangor, Maine.”

(2004-09-22) — John Forbes Kerry, the Democrat presidential nominee, got a warm reception from the United Nations General Assembly today as he laid out his plan to “fight the right war, and not the wrong war.”

To demonstrate his global perspective, Mr. Kerry addressed the assembly in several languages including French, Esperanto and Pig Latin.

“Ubya-day and-stay for ong-wray,” said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator. “Iraq was the wrong war in the wrong place with the wrong coalition.”

To swelling applause from the U.N. delegates, Mr. Kerry said, “If you want to invade a country that has proven stockpiles of WMD, actual al Qaeda terror cells, and a regime in power through fraudulent elections-let’s start here at home. With permission from His Excellency Kofi Annan, I will lead a real international coalition to disarm this rogue nation and then welcome her back into the community of peace-loving global citizens.”

Mr. Kerry’s speech was designed to counter an address by George W. Bush yesterday in which the president of the United States called on the U.N. to support freedom, oppose tyranny, prevent war through strength, and reach out to help oppressed people and AIDS victims.

“Defending our ideals is vital, but it is not enough,” said Mr. Bush, “Our broader mission as U.N. members is to apply these ideals to the great issues of our time…For too long, many nations, including my own, tolerated, even excused oppression in the Middle East in the name of stability. The oppression became common, but stability never arrived. We must take a different approach. We must help the reformers of the Middle East as they work for freedom and strive to build a community of peaceful, democratic nations.”

In Mr. Kerry’s rebuttal, he outlined his plan for fighting terror and encouraging global freedom “starting with this quagmire in Iraq.”

1) Withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq.
2) Replace U.S. troops with soldiers from France, Germany and Russia.
3) Win the peace.

(2004-09-20) — In an exclusive report tonight, CBS News anchor Dan Rather will break the story of “a web of deception” which allowed 60 Minutes II to use forged documents to impugn the military record of President George Bush.

“As a crack investigative reporter, I’ve always wanted to break a story this big,” said Mr. Rather. “I can’t tell you much before the story airs, but the upshot is that someone may have tried to trick me and my producer into using forged documents to discredit the president. We’ll actually show you how the fake documents could not have been written in the early 1970s. It’s in-depth investigative reporting that you can’t get anywhere else. Tune in tonight for this breaking news.”

In addition to breaking the fake memo story, Mr. Rather said that during the broadcast he would demand his own resignation, along with that of news producer Mary Mapes.

“You’ll never see a cover-up, stonewalling or excuse making at CBS,” said Mr. Rather. “We’re interested only in truth and integrity. I’m the one who’s breaking the story, and I’m the one forcing myself into early retirement. That’s proactive.”

Mr. Rather said he plans to spend his retirement “sitting around the living room in my pajamas, posting my thoughts to my new blog.”

(2004-09-18) — Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry took a commanding lead in the polls today thanks to a report by the Navy’s chief investigator verifying that the paperwork was filed correctly for Mr. Kerry’s Vietnam-era combat awards.

The Navy’s verdict, which the candidate called “my September surprise,” has suddenly shifted the spotlight to make Mr. Kerry’s wartime service the central issue of his battle for the White House against a former National Guardsman.

The Kerry campaign’s internal polling shows that the Democrat now leads President George Bush 63-to-12 among “Americans who are aware that a presidential election is coming up sometime soon.”

The other 25 percent remain undecided, which according to Democrat strategists is “tantamount to a vote for Kerry.”

“We’ve got the momentum now,” said Mr. Kerry. “Until this week, it’s been a policy wonk’s race. The American public has been barraged with detailed information about how my policy proposals stack up against those of this administration. From now on this fight is about leadership-about which young military man was most qualified to someday become president.”

When asked what he thought about the Navy’s authentication of the Kerry war medal paperwork, President Bush said, “Our long national nightmare is over. Next question.”

(2004-09-17) — John Forbes Kerry, the Democrat presidential candidate, today denied allegations by President George Bush that Mr. Kerry has a plan for a “huge” government-controlled health care system.

“George W. Bush can only wish that I had a plan so he could have something to attack,” said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator. “But if I had a health care plan, don’t you think I would have introduced it during my 19 years in the Senate? After all, the legislative branch is where legislation starts, not the executive. I could have written a health care bill, rallied support among my senate colleagues and used my ample leadership skills to push it through with a veto-proof majority.”

Mr. Kerry acknowledged that he does “have a plan to blame Mr. Bush for the shortcomings of America’s health care system. And I also have a plan to talk about having a plan. But to accuse me of actually having a health care plan that I plan to put in place during my presidency is cynical at best.”

(2009-09-16) — CBS reporter Dan Rather plans to reveal copies of documents on tonight’s Evening News that demonstrate that John Forbes Kerry may have sought to evade service in the U.S. Senate due to his privileged position as a presidential candidate.

The documents, all dated within the past year, show a record of scores of missed votes and missed committee hearings. In addition, copies of payroll records appear to indicate that Mr. Kerry continued to draw his senate salary during the time of his absense, according to an unnamed CBS source.

Mr. Kerry responded to the allegations by saying, “Is there any American who still trusts Dan Rather?”

“Mr. Rather is a Texan like President Bush,” said Mr. Kerry. “This is just another mean-spirited partisan attack orchestrated by Karl Rove with the cooperation of the biased media. Mr. Bush doesn’t want to talk about substantive issues, like how I defended this country as a young man in Vietnam.”

(2004-09-15) — CBS News reporter Dan Rather, with characteristic candor and objectivity, told his Evening News audience tonight, “I flat out lied” about the authenticity of memos which seem to show George W. Bush tried to evade service in the Air National Guard in the early 1970s.

“People have placed their trust in my words for four decades,” said Mr. Rather. “With that kind of credibility, I never thought anyone would question the memos. I figured by the time the news broke, President Kerry would have named me as White House spokesman.”

Mr. Rather added, “In light of the revelation that I lied through my teeth to the American public, I am announcing my retirement so I can devote full time to writing my memoir.”

Random House has already offered the veteran newsman an $8 million advance for the book, according to photocopies of a memo distributed by Mr. Rather.

(2004-09-15) — Former CIA director George Tenet today defended CBS news reporter Dan Rather for his use of potentially inauthentic documents to prove that then-Lt. George W. Bush sought special treatment to evade service in the Air National Guard in the early 1970s.

“Those memos are a slam-dunk,” said Mr. Tenet, gesturing broadly, “Dan Rather did the due diligence of seeking document experts who agreed with his predetermined opinion. What more can you ask?”

The Clinton-appointed former CIA director, said Mr. Rather shouldn’t worry about losing his job over ‘memogate’.

“Dan Rather asks the tough questions and does his homework, or gets someone to do it,” Mr. Tenet said. “If I were still at the Agency, I’d take a look at his resume, even if he typed it up in Microsoft Word.”