(2004-02-24) — President George Bush today announced his support for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a monogamous heterosexual relationship, and experts predict that AndrewSullivan.com will be hardest hit.

Visitor traffic on the weblog, which is written by an openly-Republican homosexual and professing Roman Catholic, has already spiked to more than 10,000 visitors per hour.

“Not only will AndrewSullivan.com be hard hit,” said an unnamed expert in constitutional PR, “But Mr. Sullivan’s PayPal donation link will take a beating as liberals and homosexuals race to combat the amendment by funding Andrew’s promotional efforts.”

Mr. Sullivan could not be reached for comment since he is appearing on several dozen news and talk shows.

(2004-02-24) — President George W. Bush this morning made a long-awaited statement backing a constitutional amendment narrowly defining “mayor” as “a political relationship between one elected official and one specific city.”

The president said the amendment was needed to “prevent the meaning of mayor from being changed forever.”

His action came in response to San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who Mr. Bush believes has overstepped his legal authority by authorizing thousands of “marriage” licenses to homosexual couples, in violation of state and federal law.

Earlier today, Mr. Bush also called for an amendment defining ‘marriage’ as a monogamous heterosexual relationship. But within hours a Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel issued a “pre-emptive ruling” overturning proposed Constitutional amendments XXVIII and XXIX on the grounds that they would have been “approved by ignorant legislators and voters, rather than progressive federal jurists.”

(2004-02-24) — In what’s been billed as the official kickoff of his 2004 presidential re-election campaign, George W. Bush told the Republican Governors’ Association last night that voters will have a “clear choice” in November.

“It’s a choice between keeping the tax relief that is moving the economy forward, or putting the burden of higher taxes back on the American people,” he said. “It is a choice between an America that leads the world with strength and confidence, or an America that is uncertain in the face of danger. The American people will decide between two visions of government: a government that encourages ownership and opportunity and responsibility, or a government that takes your money and makes your choices. I will set these alternatives squarely before the American people in a spirited campaign.”

After hearing the president’s speech, Democrat frontrunner John Forbes Kerry said he was “still evaluating the alternatives offered by Mr. Bush and would come to a decision soon.”

Mr. Kerry, who initially supported the president’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ education plan, the use of force to overthrow Saddam Hussein and the USA Patriot Act, has become a critic of all three initiatives.

“If I continue to stand on my principles,” said the Vietnam veteran war-protestor, “I will likely support President Bush for re-election until the second week of November.”

(2004-02-24) — Churches across America have bought up all of the theater tickets for the rest of this year’s showings of the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ, so that church-going Christians can enjoy the movie repeatedly.

According to one denominational official, “pagans can wait until it comes out on DVD.”

“We see this film as the greatest missionary tool in a generation,” said one unnamed denominational official. “It’s too good to be wasted on the ‘lost’, the pagan non-believers. We’re going to use the movie to prove to church members that Jesus is Lord and, more importantly, that He’s a blockbuster hit and just as cool as any other celebrity. Christians don’t have to feel like freaks anymore.”

“Once they see the movie,” said an unnamed pastor of a small Illinois congregation, “they’ll finally realize that what they’ve heard in church all these years is really true.”

Licensed merchandise for The Passion is flying off the shelves of Christian retailers. Among the most popular items, a button that reads: “I Believe in Jesus…Now Showing at a Theater Near You.”

(2004-02-22) — The new, more efficient, proxy election system in Iran allowed about 20 million citizens to cast ballots for hard-line conservative candidates yesterday without actually going to the polls or marking a ballot of any kind.

Under the proxy system, President Mohammad Khatami determines which candidates the electorate supports by consulting with a small group of leading Muslim clerics. The president then delivers a proxy ballot, on behalf of the voters, to an election official.

“It saves time, money and hassle,” said Mr. Khatami. “The free people of Iran enjoy the proxy system because it allows us to have huge voter turnout, without the inconvenience of actually voting. We tallied 20 million votes, with no traffic jams, no long lines, no pesky decision making to trouble our people.”

Election Day Excitement: President Mohammad Khatami (second from rt.) presents a precinct official with proxy votes for 20 million Iranians as another voter awaits his turn in “virtual line around the block” to cast a ballot the old fashioned way.

(2004-02-22) — It’s a promoters dream to match the two hottest performance artists on one stage, and arenas nationwide are already selling out for the William Hung-Howard Dean She Bangs- Yeaggh! tour.

Mr. Hung, whose American Idol audition video has inspired civil engineers worldwide to pursue musical careers, has teamed up with former Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean, whose Iowa caucus concession speech (dubbed “I Have a Scream”) tops Internet search engine queries.

“It’s a dream,” said an unnamed spokesman for the Hung-Dean Tour, “They both entered contests which they had no hope of winning, and they have each inspired a generation.”

At a tour launch news conference, Mr. Dean said, “We’re going to Philadelphia, then to Boston, and Atlanta and Kansas City…and…well, you know the rest and I really have to save my pipes for the tour.”

Mr. Hung added “We have no professional training of singing or dancing. We want to make music our living. We will give our best, and we will have no regrets.”

Proceeds from the tour benefit the Howard Dean Unspecified Grassroots Movement Foundation.

(2004-02-21) — San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom today ousted California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger after the governor tried to order the mayor to stop violating state law by granting marriage licenses to homosexual couples.

“I have impeached Gov. Schwarzenegger and found him guilty,” said Mayor Newsom. “He must vacate the governor’s office and residence immediately.”

In related news, the mayor replaced the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals with a panel of federal judges who are committed to accomplishing from the bench what liberals have failed to do through Congress and state legislatures.

(2004-02-20) — California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today announced that unlawful acts by the Mayor of San Francisco are “illegal.”

The announcement comes about a week after Mayor Gavin Newsom ordered City Hall staffers to start offering marriage licenses to homosexual couples, despite the fact that California law forbids it.

“After six days of carefully studying the issue,” said Mr. Schwarzenegger, “I have determined that an action which violates the law is illegal, and vice versa. I have ordered California’s attorney general to explore what kind of action we can take against people who violate laws. I have asked him to present me with our best options within 10 months.”

State Sen. Tom McClintock, a conservative Republican who also ran for governor last year, said, “I’m just glad we have an ‘R’ next to the governor’s name in California. Some people were worried that Arnold was not a social conservative, but that’s only important when social issues come to the forefront…and that’s extremely rare.”

(2004-02-20) — To overcome a 52-point deficit in the polls, presidential campaign ads run in New York for North Carolina Senator John Edwards will feature subtitles translating his southern drawl into printed English.

A campaign spokesman said the idea came from the new Mel Gibson film, The Passion of the Christ, in which all dialogue is in several ancient languages, with English subtitles.

“We screened some of Edwards’ stump speeches for New Yorkers,” said an unnamed campaign spokesman. “The focus group subjects said, ‘I like this guy. He seems sincere, but I have no idea what he’s saying.’”

Not all Edwards commercials will use subtitles. Some will show the candidate lip-synching a John Forbes Kerry stump speech.

“It’s not what you say, that matters,” the spokesman added. “It’s what you look like when you say it. Senator Edwards believes the same things as Senator Kerry, but when he says it, he looks like he believes it.”

(2004-02-20) — Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards will debate rival John Forbes Kerry as soon as an opponent can be found, according to a spokesman from the Democrat National Committee (DNC).

“If it were just the two Senator Johns, they would have to spend an hour talking about their slight disagreements over NAFTA,” said the unnamed DNC spokesman. “So we’re scouting for someone who could actually present an opposing view on the economy, foreign policy, health care, public education, abortion, homosexual marriage and a host of other issues on which the Senator Johns agree.”

The DNC spokesman said if the party can’t find a Democrat with an opposing viewpoint, the two candidates will simply hold hands and recite policy papers prepared for them by the National Education Association, the National Abortion Rights Action League, the AFL-CIO, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan and The New York Times.