(2003-11-22) — A new leaked memo reveals that President George Bush has a sweeping plan to reduce the size of government by overfunding government programs. The memo helps to explain the continued growth of the federal budget under a Republican administration, with Republican majorities in the House and Senate.
The House last night narrowly approved the largest Medicare funding increase ever and expanded the program to include a prescription drug benefit. Mr. Bush has lobbied hard for the bill which passed despite vigorous Democrat opposition.
In the leaked memo which circulated among top White House officials, a senior administration official defends the so-called “hyper-funding” strategy.
“It’s the only way we can get things through Congress,” the unnamed official wrote. “To get public school accountability we boost the funding levels so high that Democrats and liberal Republicans can’t resist. To get private competition in Medicare, we lure them with cash and drugs. A bigger government program with a dope-dependent electorate is the siren song for professional politicians.”
Conservative Republicans in Congress expressed shock at the contents of the leaked memo, and said they’re concerned that the hyper-funding initiative may be what one called “a box canyon.”
“I’m not sure that the Bush administration has thought this all the way through,” said one unnamed House Republican. “What’s the exit strategy?”
However, the memo does map out a so-called “end game” for the hyper-funding plan.
“Government is so inefficient,” the official wrote, “Choking bureaucrats with money will foster waste, mismanagement and greed that will eventually reach critical mass and destroy the programs. It’s all part of compassionate conservatism. We could have just cut spending, but that would have made us look less than compassionate. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the conservative part later.”
(2003-11-21) — The first annual Associated Press-New York Times Award for Ingenuity will go to Iraqi “insurgents” for their “clever” use of animal carcasses, donkey carts, children and blackmailed civilians in their rebellion against the “U.S.-led occupation.”
“We were just charmed to death by the ingenious ways these freedom fighters have found to make their political statements,” said a spokesman for the AP-NYT award committee. “Their surprising tactics are reminiscent of the Taliban and the Palestinians. The Iraqi insurgents render homage to the creators of the genre, without being mindlessly derivative. It’s refreshing to read of their daily innovations.”
(2003-11-21) — Insiders at the Democrat National Committee (DNC) have reportedly urged Michael Jackson, the composer, choreographer and international statesman, to consider a White House bid.
Mr. Jackson has near-universal name recognition, which would immediately place him at the front of the Democrat pack.
“Based on the media coverage, we have determined that Mr. Jackson is the major public figure of our time,” said an unnamed DNC official. “While George Bush was making a landmark foreign policy speech in London and al Qaeda was bombing Istanbul, the headlines were all about Michael.”
Mr. Jackson is scheduled to make a major policy address to MoveOn.org next month.
“Although we don’t know where he stands on the issues, that’s no obstacle” the DNC source added. “We have Democrat presidential candidates right now who are still developing their strongly-held beliefs. The important thing is that people know Michael Jackson’s name, which would make him unique among the current field. It’s been a long time since a Jackson has occupied the White House, and we think the time has come again. Jesse tried, but we think Michael will make it.”
(2003-11-21) — Former United Nations chief weapons inspector Hans Blix said that as late as February 2003 Saddam Hussein’s government had no donkey carts like the one used in today’s attack in Baghdad. The carts served as mobile weapons platforms from which terrorists launched 10 rockets that hit the Iraqi Oil Ministry, and two hotels early this morning.
“We found no evidence of donkey carts, nor of donkey cart research and production facilities,” said Mr. Blix. “I can only assume that the carts were smuggled into the country after the war started.”
Mr. Blix said that Coalition forces must act quickly to confiscate or destroy Iraq’s remaining donkey carts to prevent similar attacks.
You’ll find this ScrappleFace story at The Daily Standard, the daily online version of The Weekly Standard, which is a periodical that comes out weekly yet has a web site which features new stories daily, such as this ScrappleFace story which you can read if you click here.
(2003-11-20) — Citizens of London streamed into the streets, filling the air with cheers and celebratory gunfire as a crowd toppled a statue of the infamous tyrant George Bush.
The exuberant mob gave vent to the long suppressed hopes of a people who had suffered for almost three years without freedom under the iron fist of Mr. Bush and his puppet, British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
“I can now speak freely,” said one Londoner through tears. “It is like a great darkness has been lifted from us.”
The search now begins for the British torture chambers and mass graves which the Bush-Blair regime kept full during their reign of terror. The hunt is also on for the two despots who were last seen entering Mr. Blair’s underground bunker at No. 10 Downing Street.
And while leaders in the jubilant crowd called for the immediate institution of democracy in England, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged caution.
“We welcome the fall of these tyrants,” said Mr. Annan, “but it is a well-known fact that English-speaking peoples are not advanced enough to rule themselves.”
(2003-11-20) — The Turkish ambassador from al Qaeda, the Muslim humanitarian agency, today petitioned the United Nations for help in ending the repression of Muslims worldwide.
“Our people are suffering from discrimination and lack of opportunity,” said the al Qaeda diplomat. “We call on the U.N. to treat these peace-loving religious people as equals in civilized society.”
The appeal came by fax to the U.N., after the original copy was destroyed in an explosion in Istanbul which killed at least 15 people, and injured hundreds.
“Our courier was on his way to the U.N. embassy when something went awry with his vehicle,” said the ambassador. “And this isn’t the first time we’ve been victims of an untimely accident. This is the kind of danger al Qaeda diplomats face every day in the name of peace and freedom.”
(2003-11-19) — The National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) today announced it would pay half of the legal fees for the defense of Scott Peterson, who is accused of killing his wife and unborn son. Mr. Peterson was bound over for trial in California yesterday after an 11-day preliminary hearing.
“We don’t know whether Mr. Peterson is guilty of killing his wife,” said NARAL President Kate Michelman. “But no matter what he did to the fetus, it’s okay because the fetus is not a human. It’s an outrage that the court is putting Scott Peterson on trial for something that America’s fine abortion doctors do legally hundreds of times every day.”
(2003-11-19) — Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today went online to apply for a $15 billion debt consolidation loan for California from Ditech.com.
“I have heard that you can borrow up to 125 percent of the value of your property,” said the new Governor, “We’ll combine all of our monthly bills into one easy payment.”
Mr. Schwarzenegger said that California would then go on a strict budget, setting up a system of manila envelopes for each category of expenditure — public schools, highways, police.
“When we get money, we put it in the envelopes,” he said. “When an envelope is empty, we can’t have any more of that service until we get more money in the envelope.”
The Governor also said he would cut up the state’s credit cards.
(2003-11-18) — The Massachusetts Supreme Court today ruled that so-called “consensual commerce relations” are protected under the same privacy rights granted to people who get abortions or engage in consensual same-sex sodomy or homosexual civil unions.
The high court immediately nullified the Commonwealth’s 5 percent sales tax, and the 5.3 percent income tax since both of those levies interfere with citizens’ rights to do as they please in the privacy of their homes and businesses. The decision also grants private businesses the same rights enjoyed by non-profit agencies.
“We conclude that people have a right to earn and spend their own money, and to be protected from confiscatory discrimination by the state as they engage in consensual commerce relations,” the justices wrote. “Our Massachusetts constitution calls for ensuring the ’safety, prosperity and happiness’ of our citizens. To do that, we must get the hand of the Commonwealth out of the pockets of the people.”
