(2003-10-27) — The New York Times today announced the hiring of Daniel Okrent as its first “public editor,” a kind of reader’s representative. Mr. Okrent is perhaps best known as the “Founder and Former Commissioner-for-Life” of Rotisserie League Baseball, one of the earliest of the so-called “fantasy” sports leagues that allow ordinary people to pretend they own professional sports franchises.
In his first public act as public editor, Mr. Okrent announced the formation of the Rotisserie Journalism League (RJL), a new game which allows ordinary people to pretend they run the newsroom of The New York Times or any of dozens of other news organizations.
As a fantasy “Editor-in-Chief” an RJL player will hire and fire “real” journalists, or simply move them to different departments when their integrity is questioned, said Mr. Okrent. The RJL web site will monitor daily newsstand sales, circulation figures, Arbitron and Nielsen ratings, Pulitzer Prizes and Emmy Awards as well as plagiarism and libel lawsuits and out-of-court settlements. The “Editor-in-Chief” will be rewarded or punished according to the perceived integrity of his roster, and his ability to shield sources and newsroom operations from the scrutiny of other players.
“You lose points if one of your reporters invents quotations from a source he never really interviewed,” said Mr. Okrent. “But you gain points if he actually locates an expert source to express the reporter’s own opinion in a way that makes the story seem objective. In journalism, that’s what we call ‘hustle’.”
The former managing editor of Life magazine and of Time Inc.’s new media operations, Mr. Okrent said RJL bonus points will be awared to players who can hire an ombudsman who worked for the world’s largest media company and yet successfully portray him as “an objective outsider…a real man of the people.”
(2003-10-26) — The public relations nightmare continues for the U.S. Department of Defense with the discovery of a recording of a top Pentagon official who allegedly believes that the war against terror is about “Darwinian survival of the fittest” and that Muslim terrorists are “less fit.”
The unnamed Army general can be heard on audiotape telling a group of scientists, “We must pass on our genes, and cull the weak and the defective from the species. Terrorists threaten our DNA legacy by killing indiscriminately which plays havoc with natural selection. That’s why we’re superior to them, and we must survive at their expense. If we allow them to live, the whole Darwinian scheme will collapse, as the best and brightest fall under the sword of the mentally derelict.”
This revelation comes in the wake of the scandal surrounding General William “Jerry” Boykin who has told church groups that he believes the war against terror is about good versus evil, that the real enemy is Satan and that the god of a particular Somali warlord was an “idol”. Pentagon public relations staffers are still trying to figure out why Gen. Boykin, an adherent to the Christian faith, doesn’t believe that there are other real gods who are all equal to Jesus Christ.
“Monotheists really need to be more pluralistic in their theology,” said one Pentagon PR assistant. “It’s okay to believe that Jesus is the only way, but you don’t have to be so narrow minded about it. Why can’t Islam and all the other religions be other only ways?”
(2003-10-26) — With Florida State’s win over Wake Forest yesterday coach Bobby Bowden overtook Penn State’s Joe Paterno, becoming the winningest coach in Division 1-A football history. Within hours after Mr. Paterno led his squad to its sixth loss of the season, Penn State announced the veteran coach had been fired.
While the termination of the legendary “JoePa” will shock Nittany Lion fans from Happy Valley to the Napa Valley, administrators were quick to say that the parting was amicable, with a severance package that adequately compensates the coach for his half-century of service to the University.
Details of the deal are still sketchy, but the coach will allegedly receive his current salary for life and will take possession of the 107,000-seat Beaver Stadium, a nearby 15,000-seat indoor arena, half of the library and dozens of buildings on campus which have been built through Mr. Paterno’s influence and fundraising prowess.
For the remainder of the season, the head coaching vacancy will be filled by a lifesize cardboard cutout called “Stand Up Joe“. An assistant coach will carry the replica up and down the sidelines during games to simulate Mr. Paterno’s trademark pacing.
(2003-10-26) — Just hours after their champagne-soaked victory celebration in the decisive game six of the baseball World Series, the Florida Marlins have agreed to sell their championship trophy to the New York Yankees for an undisclosed amount.
“I was a little surprised at the Yankees’ offer,” said Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, “but we could use the cash to beef up our roster.”
Despite outspending their Series opponent 3-to-1 on player payroll, the Yankees got only five hits and failed to score a run in the 2-0 loss in their home stadium last night. New York started the season #1 in the league with a $150 million dollar annual payroll. The Marlins began with $50 million and a 25th out of 30 ranking.
Florida plays its home games in a reconfigured football stadium before regular season crowds averaging 16,290 — the third lowest in Major League Baseball. The Yankees average attendance was 42,785 this season — number one in the league.
“We were humiliated by poor homeless bums,” said Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. “But we haven’t won 26 championships by being tightwads. I made up my mind last week that the trophy would come to New York one way or another. I consider it a tribute to the population density of this media market.”
(2003-10-25) — A new study in the scientific Journal of Predetermining Assumptions (JPA) suggests that men who commit adultery bear “markers” in their DNA which make such behavior “biologically irresistible.”
The finding holds implications for “America’s pre-occupation with monogamous marriage,” according to the lead researcher on the study. It was similar to other research which indicated a possible genetic predisposition to homosexuality.
The data also showed that so-called “lusting” after other women is determined by the occurrence of a “Y” chromosome in the human genetic pattern.
“What this means is that society can no longer shun or discourage adulterers and leering perverts,” said the unnamed scientist. “It’s part of the genetic make-up of almost all males, so therefore it’s okay. Our laws must change to reflect this new knowledge. Why should a man have to stay devoted to one woman alone, when in his heart he hears the Siren song of the biological imperative?”
(2003-10-24) — The man who survived a trip over Niagara Falls last week has become the 10th Democrat running for President.
Yesterday, Kirk Jones was asked by DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe to throw his hat in the ring because of his recent notoriety.
“Everybody in America has heard of this guy,” said Mr. McAuliffe. “With his outlook on life, we knew he must be a Democrat. And although he’s a little more cheerful than most of our current candidates, we think he’ll go over well with the party faithful.”
Mr. Jones, a former auto-parts salesman, said he’s “eager to take the plunge into politics” and will meet with former President Bill Clinton over the weekend to find out where he’s going to stand on the issues.
A flash poll taken among likely Democrat voters this morning indicates Mr. Jones has already leaped ahead of Wesley Clark and Howard Dean.
(2003-10-24) — Google, the Internet search company which plans to conduct its initial public offering (IPO) of stock as an online auction, says it will use its trademark ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button to lure investors who love Internet stocks.
“The problem with Google is that we’re already profitable,” said an unnamed company spokesman. “We were afraid many Internet investors would sit this one out. I mean these are people who liked to bet on things like Webvan.com and Pets.com. A strong balance sheet discourages many of them. It sounds boring. The ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button will restore the thrill of risk for these people.”
During the IPO, investors can simply type ‘IPO’ in the search box, hit the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button, and a complicated algorithm will determine their identity and the available balance in their PayPal account, then it will automatically execute the purchase.
“Some will get five shares, others 5,000,” the spokesman said. “If you get stuck with too much, take it to eBay.”
(2003-10-23) — “It’s part of our cultural heritage,” said the Imam as he gestured toward a huge weapons cache which had just been unearthed by U.S. troops next to an Iraqi mosque.
“American churches often have cemeteries,” said the unnamed Muslim cleric. “We have rockets, artillery rounds, mortars, blasting caps and C-4 explosives next to our worship facility. What’s so different? It’s all about death, we’re just more…how do you say?…proactive about it.”
(2003-10-23) — Federal agents raided Wal-Mart stores in 21 states intending to arrest 60 illegal aliens, but instead they left the stores with 300.
“You know how it is with Wal-Mart,” said an unnamed spokesman from the federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement office. “You go in there to buy some toilet paper and a jug of milk, and you wind up with a full cart. If we’d have sent our wives on these raids, they would have arrested 900 illegals.”
(2003-10-23) — Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark announced today that he would withdraw his name from all state primaries in 2004.
“When I said I would avoid the Iowa caucuses,” said Mr. Clark, “I likened it to Gen. McArthur’s World War II strategy of skipping over islands with heavy concentrations of Japanese military, and fighting on the poorly defended ones. Now I’m taking that to the next level by avoiding all primary battles. I will arrive at the Democrat convention fresh, and ready to receive my nomination.”
