(2003-08-26) — A producer of Christian evangelism leaflets has just released a 6,000 lb. gospel tract inspired by Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore.
Justice Moore has been hailed as a champion of religious freedom for his defiance of a federal court order to remove a 5,300 lb. monument to the 10 Commandments from the state judicial building.

The new gospel tract explains to non-Christians how the 10 Commandments show God as a righteous judge, and how Jesus Christ manifests God as a merciful forgiver.
Although churches nationwide are eager to use the Alabama incident as a way to relate the gospel, some are reluctant to use the new “super-relevant evangelism tool.”.
“I know we sing that ‘Jesus is the Rock’,” said one youth pastor from Effingham, Illinois, “but I’m not sure that we need a three-ton tract to prove it.”
Later this month, the same company plans to produce a “gospel brickbat” that promises “to drive the message home.”
“The gospel of Jesus Christ is so simple,” said a company spokesman, “that we’re afraid people will miss it unless we have some kind of gimmick…you know, a hook…hey, now there’s an idea. I can see it now: reel ‘em in with the gospel hook.”

(2003-08-26) — Shiite clerics in Iraq are locked in a vigorous debate about what kind of government will rule this nation where Shiite Muslims constitute a majority.
Young radical clerics push for the rapid, violent formation a militant Islamic dictatorship that sends out devotees on suicide missions against Americans and Israelis.

However, the older established ayatollahs insist that a democratically-elected government would be dominated by Shiites anyway, and could quietly sponsor terror strikes while outwardly maintaining friendly diplomatic relations with the United States.
“It’s a cultural struggle for the soul of Islam,” said an unnamed ayatollah. “Should we be terrorists, or just covertly fund terrorists? I’m praying that the moderates in the debate will prevail. We should avoid extremes and simply do a little of each.”

(2003-08-26) — Hamas, the Palestinian social services agency, has merged with the French Foreign Legion, according to sources at the European Union (EU) offices in Brussels, Belgium. The merged entity will be called The Franco-Hamas Gilles-Had.
The move by France comes as the EU debates whether to classify Hamas as a terrorist organization in the wake of last week’s bus bombing in Israel.
“We’re glad to hear that France is keeping the lines of communication open with Hamas,” said an unnamed EU spokesman. “Peace for the Palestinians can only come through dialogue. This official recognition that Hamas and France share strategic interests will certainly foster greater communication.”

(2003-08-26) — Jack Pritchard, the U.S. negotiator who inspired the leader of the former ‘North’ Korea to abandon nuclear weapons development, announced his resignation today.
Mr. Pritchard’s ideas and diplomatic skill ushered in the re-unification of the two Koreas during the Clinton administration, bringing peace, security and democracy to the entire Korean peninsula.
Mr. Pritchard’s belief in offering incentives to dictators in exchange for promises led to this week’s six-way summit at which delegates will celebrate his triumphant career, and dedicate a monument to him in Pyongyang’s Freedom Square.
As one of his colleagues said, “If Jack had not essentially bribed Kim Jong-Il to disarm North Korea would still be one of the most dangerous places on earth.”

(2003-08-26) — The United States delegation to six-way talks in China about North Korean nuclear weapons is hoping for “some really wacky stuff” from Pyongyang.
“For diplomats, talking with North Korea is like breakfast with Sam Kinnison,” said an unnamed envoy. “First they threaten to turn our country into a lake of fire, then they say they’ll get rid of their nukes if we let them take over South Korea. It’s really a riot. We like to bait them and see if we can get them to say even wackier stuff.”
The career diplomat listed some threats and promises North Korea might be expected to make at the talks in Beijing:
- We will unilaterally disarm, just as soon as we shoot all of our nuclear missiles into the gaping mouth of U.S. Undersecretary of State John Bolton.
- If you don’t let us build nuclear ICBMs, we’ll turn New York City into a sea of kimchee.
- We promise not to invade South Korea if you will appoint Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter as co-Presidents of the United States.
- Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, will incinerate Japan with laser beams from his eyeballs unless you give him a 10-year supply of Eskimo Pies.
- We demand Dennis Kucinich for U.S. President: Unconditionally.

(2003-08-25) — America Online (AOL) today launched its new so-called ‘blogging’ feature which allows people who pay $24 per month for dial-up internet access to share their minds with the rest of humanity.
“If our subscribers are wealthy enough to pay twice what most dial-up customers pay for access,” said an unnamed AOL spokesman, “they must know something that others don’t. They’re among the finest minds of their generation and they’re leaving us at a rate of about 1,000 per day. AOL Journals is a way to capture their genius before they all slip away.”
For an additional $19.95 per month, AOL subscribers can access a premium version of the blogging feature which automatically inserts headlines from CNN, Time, People and Sports Illustrated as well as channel listings from local Time Warner Cable systems, and movie trailers from films like Lord of the Rings, The Matrix and Harry Potter.
“Blogging is why we did the merger with Time Warner,” said the spokesman. “We have finally monetized our synergy by getting content providers to pay us for the privilege of writing as they become channels for cross promotion of our other products.”
AOL Journals include an advanced trackback ping system that alerts the so-called ‘blogger’ when someone has written an attack on one of his postings. Through integration with AOL Instant Messenger a pop-up alert verbally announces “You Got Fisked!”

(2003-08-25) — The United States will send 22 million troops to Iraq this year to ensure the safety of every Iraqi and every structure in the country.
Dubbed ‘Operation Buddy System’ by Pentagon planners, the idea is to pair each Iraqi citizen with a battlefield-equipped soldier or Marine.
“Since we disturbed the peace by overthrowing Saddam Hussein,” said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman, “it’s our responsibility to protect this nation. We don’t know who the terrorists are, nor when and where they will attack. So, we’ll just have to keep an eye each of the 22 million Iraqis 24/7.”
The spokesman acknowledged that military recruiting would have to “increase substantially” to provide such a force, but in the meantime Manpower Inc. would provide temp workers to fill most of the positions. The rest would be covered by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) workers who will scan and frisk Iraqis coming from, and going to, anywhere.

(2003-08-23) — In his first King Features Syndicate column, veteran TV journalist Walter Cronkite explains why most reporters are politically conservative.

Mr. Cronkite’s new column, called “And that’s the way I see it…”, offers two reasons for the conservative bias among journalists.
1) Most reporters came up through the ranks observing the harsh inequalities created by the federal government’s various dependency programs which result in de facto segregation, creating a permanent underclass in American society. Since big government social engineering fosters these inequalities, journalists tend to lean toward the conservative values of self-reliance, strong families, and communities where neighbors help neighbors rather than rely on remote bureaucrats.
2) Journalists tend to side with the powerless rather than the powerful, because they have seen how powerful politicians and government agencies can rob one group of people of their money then use it to strip other citizens of their dignity while ostensibly trying to “help” them.
“As a journalist, my heart bleeds for the oppressed,” wrote Mr. Cronkite, “and that’s why I’m a conservative. There…I’ve said it…and I’m unashamed.”

(2003-08-23) — A Boston teenager said tonight that he can’t wait to receive the “wicked screensaver” he ordered this week through an email marketing company.
“The subject of the email caught my eye,” said the unnamed teen. “I’ve been looking for a really wicked screensaver, so I opened the attachment. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but after that I got another email that said ‘Thank You!’…so, I guess they got my order. I’m really excited about how wicked this screensaver is going to be. It’s probably all black with a red design that suddenly makes a startling screeching noise.”
The youth said he has already sent a note to about 750 friends in his address book telling them that he ordered the wicked screensaver.

(2002-08-22) — An Alabama federal judge ruled tonight that a monument inscribed with the so-called 10 Commandments can stay in the state judicial building, however, the judge’s order repeals the actual commandments.
“This case isn’t about a big chunk of stone,” wrote the unnamed federal judge. “The real problem is the commandments themselves. I hereby repeal all 10 of the commandments.”
The judge wrote that the commandments are “antiquated, provincial and short-sighted. Our modern ideas of what constitutes murder, adultery, theft and lying are much more progressive.”
“The monument can stay in the building,” the judge wrote, “as a relic of a bygone era when our simple-minded ancestors believed this kind of thing — a time when people still thought of things in terms of right and wrong.”