(2003-06-30) — In the new Palestinian state, leaders of the major terror organizations plan to serve as military joint chiefs, similar to the U.S. model.
An unnamed terror leader said, “Instead of Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, we’ll have Hamas, Islamic Jihad, al Aqsa Martyrs and the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine…the latter of [...]

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(2003-06-30) — The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has contacted Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa to help solve a persistent problem with cork insulation on the Mars Rover rocket.
“We did an internet search to find someone with expertise in the properties of cork,” said an unnamed NASA spokesman. “Sammy Sosa kept popping up.”
Mr. Sosa, [...]

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(2003-06-30) — The government of the state of California, awash in red ink, went bankrupt this morning, and will be auctioned off on eBay starting next week.
“We’re just like any other business,” said an unnamed official in the treasurer’s office. “We can’t pay our bills, so we’re going belly up, firing all the staff, and [...]

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(2003-06-29) — In a ripple effect from last week’s sodomy ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court this week will overturn state laws banning the smoking of crack cocaine in the privacy of one’s own home.
“The state may not invade a person’s privacy, nor judge the morality of what happens behind closed doors,” according to a leaked [...]

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(2003-06-29) — A spokesman for Hamas and Islamic Jihad, the Palestinian terror organizations, said the groups are looking forward to the off-season, a brief hiatus in scheduled activities which starts this week.
“During the regular season there’s no time to regroup, strategize, equip your team members,” said the unnamed spokesman. “It will be nice to take [...]

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(2003-06-28) — Each of the several dozen Democrat presidential candidates today delivered formal concession speeches, acknowledging that there’s “no imaginable scenario” for any of them to win the White House in 2004.
“It’s really just a pragmatic decision,” said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. “President Bush is going to spend $170 million campaigning before the Republican convention. [...]

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(2003-06-28) — Democrats in Congress, frustrated that Republicans stole their thunder by passing a Medicare prescription drug plan, say this week they’ll introduce a bill to double the Pentagon’s budget for 2003-04.
“We want more troops, more weapons systems and a rapid rollout of the missile defense system,” said one unnamed Democrat Congressional aide. “If [...]

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