(2003-01-27) — The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained 27,432 points in heavy trading today on news that Sen. Tom Daschle, D-SD, will propose a bill making uncertainty illegal.
Investors, previously plagued with worry, instantly flooded the market with cash, buying up stocks now guaranteed to bring double-digit annual returns.
“I’ve studied the history of the stock market,” said Sen. Daschle, “and it always drops during times of uncertainty. As a Democrat, I believe there’s nothing you can’t change by passing a law. So, let’s whip uncertainty now.”

(2003-01-27) — U.S. President George Bush, in tomorrow night’s state of the union speech, will announce he is scrapping plans for an invasion of Iraq because of the “new bond of trust” established between the two countries.
“Thanks to the United Nations inspections process,” the speech begins, “A new bond of trust has developed between the United States and the Republic of Iraq. We can be assured that Iraq is clean. I really thought they had weapons of mass destruction, because they used to, but we know they’re all gone, because the inspectors can’t find them. What can I say? I was wrong. It’s time to mend fences, and welcome Iraq back into the fellowship of peace-loving nations.”
A leaked copy of the speech shows that Bush will publicly apologize to Saddam Hussein for “ever having doubted this respected world leader.”
An unnamed White House source said Mr. Bush has called Mr. Hussein on the phone to concede his error and beg forgiveness. The Iraqi leader apparently welcomed the call, and said “No hard feelings.”
The often-playful Mr. Bush even has a nickname now for the Iraqi president, according to the source, “He calls him ‘Hussy’.”

(2003-01-26) — French Foreign Minister Dominique deVillepin today warned Iraq not to act alone in creating weapons of mass destruction.
“Unilateralism is bad,” said Mr. deVillepin. “We urge Iraq to work in a multilateral way, through the U.N. perhaps, to manufacture, deploy and conceal weapons of mass destruction.”
“I have spoken with German officials,” he added. “To prevent the horrors of unilateral action we are prepared to work with Saddam Hussein to organize…how do you say in English? A coalition of the killing…or is it coalition of the shilling…well, you know what I mean.”
When questioned by reporters about the morality of producing chemical and biological agents, the foreign minister said, “it’s more important to do things together than to do the right thing.”

(2003-01-25) — A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and college campus police forces has resulted in 273,000 parking tickets to potential terrorists in the past six months.
The alliance, unveiled today in an MSNBC story, combines the investigative skill of the FBI with the powerful crime-fighting techniques of campus police.
No hard numbers are yet available on how many of the parking tickets were issued to suspected terrorists.
But an unnamed FBI insider said, “just look at the numbers. Universities are crawling with Arab-origin foreigners, and campus cops write more parking tickets per officer than any force in the world. We’re still combing the data, but we see the campus officer corps as the frontline in the war against terror.”

(2003-01-24) — A coalition of one-eyed persons filed a class-action lawsuit today to stop the Oakland Raiders from displaying their logo during Sunday’s Super Bowl game.
The plaintiffs allege that the logo — the head of a man wearing an eye-patch in front of crossed swords under the word ‘Raiders’-gives the impression that one-eyed persons are “thugs and criminals.”
“We’ve spent years trying to escape the pirate image,” said a spokesman, “And now, millions of people around the world will watch the game on Sunday and come away with one lasting impression: ‘Beware of the one-eyed!’”
Raiders owner Al Davis, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, and ABC Television are reportedly working with the group’s attorneys to reach an out-of-court settlement. Terms of the agreement would allow the Raiders to retain the logo in exchange for commercial time during the game.
Two 30-second “sensitivity” ads would celebrate the contributions of the one-eyed to society, and include a montage of influential one-eyed persons throughout history.

(2003-01-24) — As Tom Ridge takes the helm of the new 170,000 person U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Americans will get a free preview of what it will be like to live in the safest nation on earth.
Here are just some of the happenings planned to mark the launch of the new Homeland Security department:
-Each email that Americans send today will be screened, at no charge, and then stamped with the official seal of approval before being forwarded to the intended recipient.
-Public schools will offer special sessions on “How to Tell if Mommy and Daddy are Terrorists-and Who to Tell.”
-All webcams in American homes will turn on at 11:30 a.m.. This is a free service to make sure your web cam works properly.
-Homeland Security booths at local shopping malls will offer a free evaluation of whether a person “looks suspicious.”
-Airport security screeners will offer a complimentary frisking to randomly-selected airline passengers, often including a “generous cavity search.”
-Uniformed soldiers, stationed throughout major cities, will play trivia games with selected pedestrians, quizzing them about little known details of their private lives. It’s fun, and free.

(2003-01-22) — Scientists in China have discovered a pile of ancient dinosaur fossils which could cast light on research into how reptiles evolved into birds.
The announcement comes on the heels of another Chinese discovery of something that looks like a three-foot-long dragonfly with feathers. Some scientists speculate the apparently four-winged creature may have been an intermediate species between reptiles and birds.
But the new find of a pile of small dinosaur fossils suggests an even earlier stage in the evolution of reptiles into birds.
Dr. Xing Xu of the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology in Beijing, said in a statement. “This pile of fossilized bones shows that these dinosaurs attempted flight long before they had feathers. Apparently they would just leap from the tree, one after another-their spines snapping like twigs upon impact. Most of them are about three feet from the base of the tree-hundreds of twisted carcasses. But a few leaped out as far as four or five feet, meeting with the same fate.”
Scientists speculate that modern birds descended from these long leapers, known as longus lepius, however since they all died on impact, it’s hard to figure out how the pre-flight genes were passed on.
“Sadly, there are no dinosaur footprints leaving the ‘drop zone’,” said Dr. Xu.

(2003-01-22) — U.S. Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld apologized today for referring to France and Germany as an “Axis of Weasels.”
“I’m sorry about that Axis of Weasels remark,” said Mr. Rumsfeld. “I didn’t mean to dredge up the history France and Germany share of pathetic compliance with ruthless dictators.”
The Defense Secretary said he was “way out of bounds” with the comments.
“I should have known better than to remind people that these two nations-which live in freedom thanks only to the righteous might of America, Britain and their allies-that these nations are morally and politically bankrupt, and have failed to learn the lessons of history,” he said. “It really was an inappropriate thing to say-you know, the Axis of Weasels thing. I really should not have called them the Axis of Weasels. I think it’s the ‘Weasels’ part that was most offensive…you know, when I said that France and Germany form an Axis of Weasels. Of course, I’m so sorry.”

(2003-01-21) — Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy, D-MA, offered to help the U.N. weapons inspectors by personally searching the bottoms of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers for canisters of gas or biological agents.
The Senator, who had some experience diving on a submerged metal object in 1969, said, “Each citizen must do what he can to support the effort to disarm Saddam. I’m going to see if I can get to the bottom of this thing…as it were. I’m hoping to come up with something…uh…again, as it were.”
Sen. Kennedy declined to discuss the specifics of his previous diving experience.

(2003-01-21) — If Saddam Hussein fails to disarm his country, the U.S. and a “coalition of the willing” will launch an attack on Iraq starting with a landing on the beaches of Normandy, France. Ground-based forces would then move across France and the Mediterranean Sea landing again in Syria for the march to Baghdad.
“Going through France may be the long way to get to Iraq,” said U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, “but it’s worth it. We want to show our troops the land we saved from Hitler on our way to the land we’ll save from Hussein.”
French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin announced yesterday that his nation would wage a major diplomatic fight, including possible use of its veto power, to prevent the U.N. Security Council from passing a resolution authorizing military action against Iraq.
Secretary Powell said the troop movement through France would also serve as “unspoken negotiations with the French.”
“Think of what it will do for their economy,” Mr. Powell added. “I’m sure our forces will buy a bunch of cheese along the way. It’s a goodwill gesture from us to them.”