(2002-08-23) — Following yet another lawsuit, McDonald’s Corporation announced today it intends to launch restaurants specifically for protestors.
“We looked at the demographics and it just made sense,” according the news release. “Protestors are everywhere and they’re very vocal about what they like and what they don’t. In essence, they’re the ultimate target market. If our regular customers stood in the streets shouting about their personal preferences, we’d be out there with tape recorders. These protestors have really opened our eyes to opportunity.
The new restaurants will not serve piping hot coffee, nor anything with fat, nor products containing monosodium glutamate (MSG), nor anything that might have come from a mad cow, nor the new McAfrika sandwich.
No food or beverage containers will be made from Styrofoam, nor paper, nor plastic. Employees will earn $45,000-$75,000 per year with a 20 hour work week, full medical, dental, psychiatric and drug rehab care. Women will earn more than men, racial minorities more than Caucasians, homosexuals more than heterosexuals, prisoners on work release more than Boy Scouts, and handicapped people more than the apparently able-bodied. McDonald’s will also not allow smoking, nor fur-wearing, nor weapons of any kind. There will be no drive-up window to discourage the burning of fossil fuels, and the restaurants will actually be simple tent-like structures erected on lands free of endangered species, toxic waste and Native American burial grounds.
The news release did not divulge what the restaurants would serve, but suggested that focus groups are looking at several potential names, including: McTolerance, McTouchy-McFeely and McVictim. About 110 percent of every sale will go to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, the National Organization for Women, the National Gay and Lesbian Task force and “anyone else who wants some.”

(2002-08-22) — The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) filed suit against itself in federal district court today alleging that the ACLU was not founded by Roger Baldwin, Crystal Eastman, Albert DeSilver and others in 1920, but rather evolved from a bacterium or perhaps the giant tube worms which dwell at the edge of undersea volcanic fissures.
The lawsuit further contends that ACLU employees do not have the right to openly discuss the various theories of its origin, including the so-called “intelligent design” theory.
“The idea that some wise being or beings conceived of the ACLU in their minds and brought it into existence in a relatively short period of time within the past century is patently absurd,” according papers filed with the court on behalf of the plaintiff. “The theory that giant tube worms, whose structure and habitat resemble the modern ACLU, is much more plausible. In fact, it is so substantial one hesitates to call it a theory anymore.”

The timing of the lawsuit could prove a distraction as ACLU lawyers have just engaged in another origins case in Cobb County, Georgia. That case involves the right of a local school board to place the following label on a science book:
“This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.”

(2002-08-22) — AOL Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons announced today that the al Qaeda training tapes CNN acquired will soon become a Time-Life video series.
Starting in September, Time-Life will run infomercials on AOL-owned networks for the new series “How to Start and Run Your Own Terrorist Organization”.
Episodes in the series will include:

• How to build a bomb from items in your garage,
• How to install a machine-gun turret in your SUV,
• Making identification cards for fun and profit,
• The S.P.C.A., your ally in testing chemical agents
• Convincing the neighbors that you’re normal

“We paid $30,000 for these tapes,” said Parsons, “That’s almost the entire quarterly EBITDA* for the AOL division right now. There’s so much rich, compelling content on the tapes that we don’t have time to show on CNN. So, the Time-Life series was a no brainer.”
* EBITDA stands for Earnings Before Interest Taxes Depreciation and Amortization…it’s kind of like free cashflow, if you’re not familiar with accounting terms. (If you are familiar, please move on to the next story now.)

(2002-08-22) — Iraqi dictator-for-life Saddam Hussein petitioned the United Nations today for a complete copy of U.S. battle plans for any future attack on his oil-rich, highly-literate, deeply-religious, peaceful, modern nation.
“How are we going to prepare our people for the mother of all victories if we have nothing but speculative reports from CNN and The New York Times?” he asked through a spokesman, who had a wooden head and sat perched on Hussein’s left knee during the news conference. “The Iraqi president has a country to run, and can’t be distracted by trying to figure out whether an unnamed ex-Joint Chief was floating a trial balloon on behalf of the Bush administration, or it’s simply a left-wing journalist trying to demoralize the American public.”
The Iraqi leader re-iterated that his nation poses no threat to anyone despite the testing of chemical weapons, funding of global terrorists, secret nuclear research facilities, intricate network of underground bunkers, mobile missile launchers and hatred of all things Jewish, Western, American or Christian.

Hussein’s demands were carried in a live news conference for four hours on CNN and MSNBC, interrupting their coverage of Day 12 of the Media Seige at Crawford, TX.

(2002-08-19) — A new curriculum plan promoted by the National Education Association (NEA), cautions teachers against blaming the NEA for American intolerance.
“Despite the fact that the vast majority of Americans are the products of the NEA-run school system, teachers should not allow students to think that the union is to blame for American provincialism, narrow-mindedness and bigotry,” according to the soon-to-be-released lesson plan. The hastily-drafted plan follows in the wake of the NEA’s controversial curriculum warning teachers against blaming terrorists for acts of terror.
Jerald Newberry, spokesman for the union, said, “Americans see their schools as the place (sic) that will help their children make sense of these horrific events and move forward as better people.”
Newberry went on to say, “We don’t want to dwell on the fact that the NEA is largely responsible for the kind of people we are today.”

(2002-08-19) — The Maryland Department of Natural Resources has decided that Natural Selection, a key component of Darwinian Evolution, is just too slow, and may not produce desirable results. So, the Natural Resources agency will poison a pond full of predatory fish this week to make sure that these super-fit fish don’t survive.
“Yeah, I know it’s supposed to be survival of the fittest and all,” said department spokeswoman Heather Lynch,”but if these Chinese Snakehead fish are so fit, let ‘em survive the fish poison and plant poison we’re gonna dump in this pond.”
An evolutionary biologist at the University of Maryland acknowledged that perhaps the Darwinian scheme “caps out” when you get creatures who can manufacture herbicides and piscicides like Diquat, Glyphosate and Rotenone.

(2002-08-18) — An unnamed U.S. Senator revealed today that he had changed his vote on a key piece of legislation after hearing a handful of protestors chanting a slogan near the Senate office building.
“At first I just ignored them, like I do every day,” the Senator said. “But that clever little rhyming slogan kept coming back to me…and the rhythmic way they were chanting it just kept pounding in my brain.”
The legislator said that by mid-morning the chanted slogan had effectively supplanted weeks of meticulous research on the issue, as well as polls showing that the overwhelming majority of those in his home state favored the measure.
“I voted ‘No’. What can I say? The chanting got to me,” said the incumbent lawmaker. “I know there’ll be trouble at home come election time. But who can blame me? The real culprits are the chanting protestors. There oughta be a law against that…maybe I could turn the tables on them…get this:
‘No more slogans, No more chants, I see someone’s underpants’…
“Okay, so it needs some work.”

(2002-08-16) — On the heels of New York City’s decision to recognize homosexual unions, a group of stalkers has petitioned city council for similar benefits.
“There’s a kind of emotional bond that forms between a stalker and his stalkee over the course of time,” said Joachin Yue, spokesman for the stalkers. “When a stalkee dies, the stalker often mourns for months, wandering the city, unable to commit to following another. But this poor person receives no compensation for his loss, and is often barred from even attending the funeral.”
As part of the Stalker’s Bill of Rights proposal, a person who has doggedly pursued another person for at least 90 days would be granted hospital visitation rights, a share in the estate and a back row seat at the funeral. The provision also demands discounts on apartments across the street from the stalkee, and first right of access to taxi cabs parked immediately behind the stalkee’s cab.
New York City Councilwoman, Christine Quinn, who co-sponsored the homosexual union measure said, “We need to take a serious look at this petition. I’m inclined to favor it since it would represent New York kind of going as far as we can in relationship law.”
Quinn also suggested she would favor marriage-like unions among different species, and full partner benefits for anyone who has “a real serious crush” one someone else.

(2002-08-09) — On the heels of a shocking study claiming second-hand tobacco smoke may increase cancer risk among housecats, a new report from the I.M. Frisky Institute says humans can suffer from the effects of second-hand cat chow.
“Cat chow that has been through a feline digestive system — second-hand chow — can have a negative impact on the olfactory organs of humans in close proximity,” the report abstract said.
Use of odor-masking cat litter products does little to decrease the risk, according to the study.
“Face it, second-hand chow stinks,” the report goes on to say. “Spraying bad perfume on it just adds another foul stench to the mix.”
Scientists who conducted the study say abstinence from cat ownership is the only cure. However, they are working on an antidote. Promising areas of research include nasal clothespin devices, and “smoking big aromatic cigars.”

(2002-08-02) — The major stock indexes all finished lower today due to jittery investors’ concerns about stocks declining in price.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA), NASDAQ, Standard & Poor’s (S&P) and other financial measures all dropped 2-to-4 percent on news that stock prognosticators had predicted a 2-to-4 percent slide in stock prices.
Legg Mason’s VP of Self-Fulfilling Predictions said he expects the downward slide to continue, and so he recommends that “everyone sell every last share of stock you can.”
Also today, journalists at a national conference of major business publications decided the continue referring to a high-volume stock trading day as “a major sell-off”. A proposal to start calling it “a major buy-up” was unanimously defeated.