(2004-02-28) -- An unnamed senior White House official today confirmed reports from an Iranian news agency that Usama bin Laden had been captured "long ago", but said the Bush administration was withholding the news "until the president's poll numbers really tank."
Despite the fact that months of Democrat attacks on President George Bush have pushed his favorable ratings to an all-time low, the official said "the president has a standing order with his press secretary to release the news of bin Laden's capture when his approval rating slips below 40 percent."
"The president doesn't want to peak too early in the campaign," said the source. "He's going to show Kerry what 'comeback kid' really means."
(2004-02-28) -- A diplomat from the U.S. delegation to six-way talks aimed at dismantling North Korea's nuclear weapons program today called the most recent negotiations a "stunning success."
Although the talks did not result in any kind of joint statement, agreement or any movement by North Korea toward dropping its nuclear weapons program, all parties did tentatively agree to another meeting in Beijing.
"It's a stunning success because I love Beijing," said the American diplomat, "The sights, the sounds, the smells of the Old World -- I'm eager to check into our 5-star hotel and hit the golf course again."
In addition to the tentative agreement to hold more negotiations, diplomats achieved a major breakthrough when China, South Korea, Russia, the United States and Japan all agreed that North Korea should comply with a "complete, verifiable and irreversible dismantling" (CVID) of its nuclear weapons program.
"To get agreement from five out of six countries ain't bad," said the American. "Now, all we have to do is convince the maniacal dictator of North Korea to give up his most effective tool for remaining in power."
(2004-02-27) -- During last night's Democrat presidential debate, Sen. John Forbes Kerry tried to connect with his "base" by declaring that homosexual couples are the solution to the nation's abortion problem.
"You don't see a lot of gay abortion clinics," said Mr. Kerry. "Same-sex couples almost never have unwanted pregnancies. If every man and woman in America would commit to a homosexual relationship with another man or woman, respectively, then we could virtually wipe out abortion in a generation."
Mr. Kerry said he opposes President Bush's effort to amend the U.S. Constitution to define marriage as a monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
"Same-sex marriage is an issue for states to decide," he said, "and state legislators have plenty of time to decide such things because, since the U.S. Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade ruling, states don't have to waste time debating abortion."
Presidential rival John Edwards agreed, but said that he would be the better candidate to debate Mr. Bush on the homosexual abortion solution since, unlike Mr. Kerry, Mr. Edwards opposed the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).
(2004-02-26) -- Scott Ott, the editor of the daily news satire site, ScrappleFace.com, today chose a winner from more than 100 entrants in a contest to prove that Doonesbury is a "comic" strip.
The contest came in reponse to a similar P.R. stunt by Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau, who offered to donate $10,000 to the U.S.O. in the name of anyone who could prove that George W. Bush served in the Alabama Air National Guard.
ScrappleFace reader Bill Walsh won the $10 prize with the following entry:
Here's proof!
Doonesbury is funny 'cause Bush stole the election!
Ha ha ha!Bill Walsh
The vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace applauded Mr. Walsh for his tireless research and recommended that he use the $10 as a partial payment on a collection of funny and relevant political cartoons by Cox & Forkum. The staff also recommended reading Chris Muir's Day by Day.
ScrappleFace.com commissioned the following "comic" strip as a tribute to Garry Trudeau.
(2004-02-26) -- Secretly-taped conversations involving U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan reveal no evidence of the so-called "united" nations that Mr. Annan "hyped" in the run up to the Iraq war, according to a former British cabinet secretary who has read the transcripts.
Clare Short, who resigned as International Development Secretary last year, claimed today that she has read British intelligence agency transcripts of Mr. Annan's private meetings and was "shocked to learn from them that the so-called 'United' Nations is an expensive charade."
"There's nothing 'united' about these nations at all," said Ms. Short. "And these tapes prove that Kofi Annan knew it before the Iraq war, but hid the fact from the people of Earth."
Ms. Short called for an investigation into how "Kofi Annan's deception scuttled U.S. and British efforts to use the threat of force to get Saddam Hussein to comply with international sanctions."
"If there really were a United Nations, as Annan led us to believe," she said, "then sanctions would have worked, saving thousands of lives."
(2004-02-26) -- The U.S. Supreme Court ruled today that state scholarship funds may be denied to students pursuing careers in journalism.
The decision follows yesterday's 7-2 ruling (Locke v. Davey) allowing Washington to prohibit disbursement of state scholarship money to a student who was aiming for a devotional theology degree -- in other words, training for vocational ministry.
Today's decision, like yesterday's, hinges on the First Amendment of the Constitution which states, in part: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press..."
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice William Rehnquist explained the connection between the two rulings: "Just as a state is not compelled to pay tuition for a ministry student because it might violate the Establishment clause of the First Amendment, so the state may deny tuition to those pursuing a life of vocational journalism, since such funding would create de jure state-sponsored journalists, beholden to the government and therefore incapable of participating in a truly free press. We must maintain the principle of the separation of the press and state."
(2004-02-25) -- Scott Ott, editor-in-chief of the daily news satire site ScrappleFace.com, today announced a $10 reward to anyone who could prove that Doonesbury is a "comic" strip.
The lucrative contest comes in response to an offer by Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau to donate $10,000 to the U.S.O. on behalf of anyone who could prove that George W. Bush served in the Alabama Air National Guard. Mr. Bush now serves as Commander-in-Chief of all U.S. military forces.
Mr. Ott challenged the readers of ScrappleFace to prove that Doonesbury fits the following definition of "comic"...
1) of, relating to, or marked by comedy;
2) causing laughter or amusement;
3) FUNNY
Proof may be posted in the comment section under this item. The winning reader will receive the $10 prize via PayPal, and the winner's name will be posted at ScrappleFace.com.
(2004-02-25) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards today called on President George Bush to make "thinly-veiled snide remarks" about him like the one he made about Sen. John Forbes Kerry recently.
Sen. Edwards, who yesterday finished a respectable third-place behind Dennis Kucinich in the Hawaii caucuses, said Mr. Bush's failure to insult him was more evidence that "we live in two Americas."
"There's one America where old Yale Skull and Bones brothers genially rib each other," said Mr. Edwards, "and there's a second America where the son of a southern textile mill worker curls up each night on a set of cold tracking-poll numbers, hungry for attention. If you could look into the desperate eyes of that young man, Mr. Bush, you might find it in your heart to hurl a few buzz-building slurs at him."
In a speech to the Republic Governors' Association Monday night, Mr. Bush said: "The other party's nomination battle is still playing out. The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions: For tax cuts, and against them. For NAFTA, and against NAFTA. For the Patriot Act, and against the Patriot Act. In favor of liberating Iraq, and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts."
Mr. Edwards said, "By unilaterally lampooning John Kerry, Mr. Bush is trying to count me out of the process before the voters in most states have spoken. If you really believe in freedom, Mr. Bush, ridicule me too!"
(2004-02-24) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards attempted to assauge the concerns of disability rights activists who claimed he "patted" the heads of some people in wheelchairs during a campaign rally in Rochester, New York, today.
"I meant no disrespect by patting the heads of the handicapped," said Mr. Edwards. "I wish I could pat all of my supporters that way, but it's harder to reach the heads of people who are standing up. I really see the heads of wheelchair-bound folks as representative of all the voter heads I would love to pat. I hope my standing supporters get some vicarious thrill from seeing me pat these low-altitude heads."
Mr. Edwards said head patting was common in the textile mill town where he grew up.
"I have looked into the eyes of a mill worker who just lost his job," he said. "And when I saw that desperate look, I would pat him on the head...you know, if he was sitting down, or in a wheelchair, or if I was on a platform above him. The head patting seemed to make us both feel better about him losing his job."
(2004-02-24) -- U.S. Secretary of Education Rod Paige issued an apology today for joking that the nation's largest teachers' union is a "terrorist organization."
"It was an inappropriate choice of words to describe the NEA as a 'terrorist organization'," said Mr. Paige. "I consulted a dictionary today and found several more appropriate terms to describe the highly-paid Washington lobbyists who masquerade as altruistic advocates for America's children. Therefore, I revise my previous remarks. The NEA is not a terrorist organization. The NEA is an extortionist, obstructionist, monopolistic cabal."
Mr. Paige added that his remarks did not necessarily apply to America's hard-working public school teachers, who he described as "NEA victims and conscripts."
(2004-02-24) -- President George Bush today announced his support for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a monogamous heterosexual relationship, and experts predict that AndrewSullivan.com will be hardest hit.
Visitor traffic on the weblog, which is written by an openly-Republican homosexual and professing Roman Catholic, has already spiked to more than 10,000 visitors per hour.
"Not only will AndrewSullivan.com be hard hit," said an unnamed expert in constitutional PR, "But Mr. Sullivan's PayPal donation link will take a beating as liberals and homosexuals race to combat the amendment by funding Andrew's promotional efforts."
Mr. Sullivan could not be reached for comment since he is appearing on several dozen news and talk shows.
(2004-02-24) -- President George W. Bush this morning made a long-awaited statement backing a constitutional amendment narrowly defining "mayor" as "a political relationship between one elected official and one specific city."
The president said the amendment was needed to "prevent the meaning of mayor from being changed forever."
His action came in response to San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who Mr. Bush believes has overstepped his legal authority by authorizing thousands of "marriage" licenses to homosexual couples, in violation of state and federal law.
Earlier today, Mr. Bush also called for an amendment defining 'marriage' as a monogamous heterosexual relationship. But within hours a Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel issued a "pre-emptive ruling" overturning proposed Constitutional amendments XXVIII and XXIX on the grounds that they would have been "approved by ignorant legislators and voters, rather than progressive federal jurists."
(2004-02-24) -- In what's been billed as the official kickoff of his 2004 presidential re-election campaign, George W. Bush told the Republican Governors' Association last night that voters will have a "clear choice" in November.
"It's a choice between keeping the tax relief that is moving the economy forward, or putting the burden of higher taxes back on the American people," he said. "It is a choice between an America that leads the world with strength and confidence, or an America that is uncertain in the face of danger. The American people will decide between two visions of government: a government that encourages ownership and opportunity and responsibility, or a government that takes your money and makes your choices. I will set these alternatives squarely before the American people in a spirited campaign."
After hearing the president's speech, Democrat frontrunner John Forbes Kerry said he was "still evaluating the alternatives offered by Mr. Bush and would come to a decision soon."
Mr. Kerry, who initially supported the president's 'No Child Left Behind' education plan, the use of force to overthrow Saddam Hussein and the USA Patriot Act, has become a critic of all three initiatives.
"If I continue to stand on my principles," said the Vietnam veteran war-protestor, "I will likely support President Bush for re-election until the second week of November."
(2004-02-24) -- Churches across America have bought up all of the theater tickets for the rest of this year's showings of the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ, so that church-going Christians can enjoy the movie repeatedly.
According to one denominational official, "pagans can wait until it comes out on DVD."
"We see this film as the greatest missionary tool in a generation," said one unnamed denominational official. "It's too good to be wasted on the 'lost', the pagan non-believers. We're going to use the movie to prove to church members that Jesus is Lord and, more importantly, that He's a blockbuster hit and just as cool as any other celebrity. Christians don't have to feel like freaks anymore."
"Once they see the movie," said an unnamed pastor of a small Illinois congregation, "they'll finally realize that what they've heard in church all these years is really true."
Licensed merchandise for The Passion is flying off the shelves of Christian retailers. Among the most popular items, a button that reads: "I Believe in Jesus...Now Showing at a Theater Near You."
(2004-02-22) -- The new, more efficient, proxy election system in Iran allowed about 20 million citizens to cast ballots for hard-line conservative candidates yesterday without actually going to the polls or marking a ballot of any kind.
Under the proxy system, President Mohammad Khatami determines which candidates the electorate supports by consulting with a small group of leading Muslim clerics. The president then delivers a proxy ballot, on behalf of the voters, to an election official.
"It saves time, money and hassle," said Mr. Khatami. "The free people of Iran enjoy the proxy system because it allows us to have huge voter turnout, without the inconvenience of actually voting. We tallied 20 million votes, with no traffic jams, no long lines, no pesky decision making to trouble our people."
 |
| Election Day Excitement: President Mohammad Khatami (second from rt.) presents a precinct official with proxy votes for 20 million Iranians as another voter awaits his turn in "virtual line around the block" to cast a ballot the old fashioned way. |
(2004-02-22) -- It's a promoters dream to match the two hottest performance artists on one stage, and arenas nationwide are already selling out for the William Hung-Howard Dean She Bangs-- Yeaggh! tour.
Mr. Hung, whose American Idol audition video has inspired civil engineers worldwide to pursue musical careers, has teamed up with former Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean, whose Iowa caucus concession speech (dubbed "I Have a Scream") tops Internet search engine queries.
"It's a dream," said an unnamed spokesman for the Hung-Dean Tour, "They both entered contests which they had no hope of winning, and they have each inspired a generation."
At a tour launch news conference, Mr. Dean said, "We're going to Philadelphia, then to Boston, and Atlanta and Kansas City...and...well, you know the rest and I really have to save my pipes for the tour."
Mr. Hung added "We have no professional training of singing or dancing. We want to make music our living. We will give our best, and we will have no regrets."
Proceeds from the tour benefit the Howard Dean Unspecified Grassroots Movement Foundation.
(2004-02-21) -- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom today ousted California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger after the governor tried to order the mayor to stop violating state law by granting marriage licenses to homosexual couples.
"I have impeached Gov. Schwarzenegger and found him guilty," said Mayor Newsom. "He must vacate the governor's office and residence immediately."
In related news, the mayor replaced the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals with a panel of federal judges who are committed to accomplishing from the bench what liberals have failed to do through Congress and state legislatures.
(2004-02-20) -- California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today announced that unlawful acts by the Mayor of San Francisco are "illegal."
The announcement comes about a week after Mayor Gavin Newsom ordered City Hall staffers to start offering marriage licenses to homosexual couples, despite the fact that California law forbids it.
"After six days of carefully studying the issue," said Mr. Schwarzenegger, "I have determined that an action which violates the law is illegal, and vice versa. I have ordered California's attorney general to explore what kind of action we can take against people who violate laws. I have asked him to present me with our best options within 10 months."
State Sen. Tom McClintock, a conservative Republican who also ran for governor last year, said, "I'm just glad we have an 'R' next to the governor's name in California. Some people were worried that Arnold was not a social conservative, but that's only important when social issues come to the forefront...and that's extremely rare."
(2004-02-20) -- To overcome a 52-point deficit in the polls, presidential campaign ads run in New York for North Carolina Senator John Edwards will feature subtitles translating his southern drawl into printed English.
A campaign spokesman said the idea came from the new Mel Gibson film, The Passion of the Christ, in which all dialogue is in several ancient languages, with English subtitles.
"We screened some of Edwards' stump speeches for New Yorkers," said an unnamed campaign spokesman. "The focus group subjects said, 'I like this guy. He seems sincere, but I have no idea what he's saying.'"
Not all Edwards commercials will use subtitles. Some will show the candidate lip-synching a John Forbes Kerry stump speech.
"It's not what you say, that matters," the spokesman added. "It's what you look like when you say it. Senator Edwards believes the same things as Senator Kerry, but when he says it, he looks like he believes it."
(2004-02-20) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards will debate rival John Forbes Kerry as soon as an opponent can be found, according to a spokesman from the Democrat National Committee (DNC).
"If it were just the two Senator Johns, they would have to spend an hour talking about their slight disagreements over NAFTA," said the unnamed DNC spokesman. "So we're scouting for someone who could actually present an opposing view on the economy, foreign policy, health care, public education, abortion, homosexual marriage and a host of other issues on which the Senator Johns agree."
The DNC spokesman said if the party can't find a Democrat with an opposing viewpoint, the two candidates will simply hold hands and recite policy papers prepared for them by the National Education Association, the National Abortion Rights Action League, the AFL-CIO, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan and The New York Times.
(2004-02-19) -- A new CNN-USA Today poll reveals that if the presidential election were held today, most Americans would not vote for any candidate.
About 95 percent of a representative sample of 1,295 registered voters said that if the election were held today, they would not even go to their voting precinct.
Here's a breakdown of the results:
-- 48% said, "I usually vote before work, and it's too late for that now."
-- 32% said, "I have not yet devoted enough study time to the issues and candidates."
-- 15% said, "I'm on the national Do-Not-Call registry, get lost."
The other five percent were equally divided between George W. Bush and "that Democrat named John."
The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus nine months.
(2004-02-19) -- U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan today unveiled his Iraq transition plan which he said is modeled on the "highly effective, internationally renowned United Nations structure."
Under the Annan plan, unelected career bureaucrats will gather in a room, speak mutually-unfamiliar languages and form little alliances to undercut each others' provincial agendas. Ultimately, the only decisions made will be those which cannot be implemented.
"This is the success recipe that the U.N has employed to keep the world at peace for six decades," said Mr. Annan. "We can only hope that the Iraqi people have the wisdom to adopt my proposal. If they don't, I shall initiate a resolution calling on them to do so, and threatening more resolutions."
President George Bush welcomed the U.N. plan saying that it would "add some international legitimacy to the illegitimate efforts of the Coalition and the interim Iraqi Governing Council."
(2004-02-18) -- Former Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean today formally ended his bid for the party nomination, and delivered one final inspirational message to his enthusiastic band of grassroots supporters.
The following is the text of that speech:
"To all those who have followed me for the past year, pouring out your hearts and your money for something you believed in, I have this to say: You got punk'd!Did you really believe that a career politician like me was some sort of idealist who was going to change the system? Psyche!
While the other major candidates are playing with money from corporate fatcats, 89 percent of my dough came from ordinary latté-sucking slackers like you. Of course, you would have seen this coming if you hadn't slept through history class. Well, here's your wake-up call.
This campaign was about one thing -- my burning desire to be the most powerful man in the world, or at least to feel the rush of spending $40 million in one year.
My advice to you now is Control-Alt-Delete, baby! Ciao.
P.S. I'm selling your email address to John Kerry."
(2004-02-18) -- Just days after Democrat presidential frontrunner John Forbes Kerry mocked President George W. Bush for his recent appearance at the Daytona 500, a frantic behind-the-scenes drama threatens to scuttle the Kerry candidacy.
Reporters have unearthed a Senate resolution, co-sponsored by Sen. Kerry, which praises motorsports organizations like NASCAR because they "contribute millions of dollars into local economies" and "make a significant contribution to the national economy."
Yet earlier this week, Mr. Kerry criticized Mr. Bush for his Daytona 500 "photo-opportunity" saying, "We don't need a president who just says, 'Gentlemen start your engines'. We need a president who says, 'America, let's start our economy and put people back to work'."
Howard Dean, who withdrew from the presidential race earlier today, will reportedly reconsider if "Kerry implodes over the NASCAR resolution."
The text of S.RES.253 follows...
108th CONGRESS
1st Session
S. RES. 253
To recognize the evolution and importance of motorsports.
IN THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES
October 29, 2003
Mr. CAMPBELL (for himself, Mr. KYL, Mr. NELSON of Florida, Mr. BAYH, Mr. BIDEN, Mr. CARPER, Mr. DURBIN, Mr. EDWARDS, Mrs. FEINSTEIN, Mrs. LINCOLN, Mr. PRYOR, Mr. SCHUMER, Ms. STABENOW, Mrs. DOLE, Mr. SESSIONS, Mr. SANTORUM, Mr. HAGEL, Mr. BUNNING, Mr. REID, Mr. ALEXANDER, Mr. ALLEN, Mr. DOMENICI, Mr. ENSIGN, Mr. SUNUNU, Mr. NICKLES, Mr. CRAIG, Mr. WARNER, Mr. ALLARD, Mr. CHAMBLISS, Mr. LUGAR, Mrs. CLINTON, and Mr. MILLER) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary
[Although his Senate website claims Sen. Kerry co-sponsored S.RES.253, and the government's legislative database includes his name in the list of co-sponsors, it appears that he did not sign on until November 21, 2003, the day after the resolution passed the senate. A staffer for Senator Ben Campbell, the resolution's sponsor, could not explain the date discrepancy.]
November 20, 2003
Considered and agreed to
RESOLUTION
To recognize the evolution and importance of motorsports.
Whereas on March 26, 1903, an automotive race was held on a beach in Volusia County, Florida, inaugurating 100 years of motorsports;
Whereas 100 years later, motorsports are the fastest growing sports in the country;
Whereas races occur at hundreds of motorsport facilities in all 50 States;
Whereas racing fans can enjoy a wide variety of motorsports sanctioned by organizations that include Championship Auto Racing Teams (CART), Grand American Road Racing (Grand Am), Indy Racing League (IRL), International Motorsports Association (IMSA), National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing (NASCAR), National Hot Rod Association (NHRA), Sports Car Club of America (SCCA), and United States Auto Club (USAC);
Whereas the research and development of vehicles used in motorsports have directly contributed to improvements in safety and technology for the automobiles and motor vehicles used by hundreds of millions of Americans;
Whereas 13,000,000 fans will attend NASCAR races alone in 2003;
Whereas fans of all ages spend days at motorsport facilities participating in a variety of interactive theme and amusement activities surrounding races;
Whereas motorsport facilities that provide these theme and amusement activities contribute millions of dollars into local economies;
Whereas motorsports make a significant contribution to the national economy; and
Whereas tens of millions of people in the United States enjoy the excitement and speed of motorsports every week: Now, therefore, be it
Resolved, That the Senate recognizes the evolution of motorsports and honors those who have helped create and build this great American pastime.
Calendar No. 395
(2004-02-18) -- Wisconsin voters, challenged to decide which face to put on their Democrat presidential hopes, chose John Forbes Kerry over John Edwards last night by a surprisingly small six-point margin.
"We won ugly," said Mr. Kerry, who had led by as much as 35 points in recent polling. "But we won. Edwards was pretty close, but close only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades and I know something about throwing the latter."
Exit polling showed that Mr. Edwards won the support of most independents and Republicans, demonstrating the crossover strength that the party nominee will need to defeat George W. Bush. The North Carolina Senator also captured 95 percent of the votes of people who had seen Mr. Kerry speaking on TV.
Mr. Kerry won big among former Al Gore supporters who believe that "talking slowly without moving one's face" is the key to defeating Mr. Bush.
"When you look at the two top vote getters -- Kerry and Edwards -- the question becomes 'who would you rather look at for the next eight months, or eight years?'" said an unnamed Democrat strategist. "On the issues, the candidates are mirror images of each other. But the more voters take a good look at John Kerry, the better John Edwards appears."
The Kerry campaign announced today that its advertising in the so-called 'Super Tuesday' states would not include the face or voice of the candidate, and all public appearances have been cancelled.
"People vote for Kerry because they admire his service in a war he later condemned," said the strategist. "This is not a beauty contest."
(2004-02-17) -- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom today declared that homosexuals applying for so-called marriage licenses at City Hall can pay the application fee with Monopoly money.
"For too long now," said Mayor Newsom, "Monopoly money, and other counterfeit bills, have been treated as second-class currency. We are no longer captives to antiquated values based on majority opinions and legislation. Since I have power to override state and federal laws, I declare that Monopoly money is legal tender."
A local jeweler in San Francisco immediately began advertising that his shop would also accept Monopoly money for his "full line of genuine pyrite wedding rings."
(2004-02-17) -- Mel Gibson, producer of the controversial new film The Passion of the Christ, told ABC's Diane Sawyer that his movie may spark "a backlash of infectious pro-Semitism."
"Jesus was a Jew," said Mr. Gibson, "And this movie may inspire people to love Jesus. I know that pro-Semitism is shocking, but that's the risk you take when you tell the gospel story."
Mr. Gibson said he considered including the following warning on ads for the film:
"The Passion of the Christ contains pro-Semitic content and may lead you to follow the world's most famous Jew, and to want to share His saving love with other people...including Jews."
(2004-02-17) -- Embattled Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today hired former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf to replace campaign chairman Steve Grossman who left the Dean team yesterday.
Mr. al-Sahaf is best known to Americans as 'Baghdad Bob', the Ba'ath Party spokesman whose contagious optimism delighted TV viewers worldwide even as Coalition troops rapidly overthrew the regime of his boss, Saddam Hussein.
"I will open my first news conference," said Mr. al-Sahaf, "by simply repeating exactly what Howard Dean told NBC today. 'I think it’s possible for us to do well even if we don’t win [in Wisconsin today]. Our campaign is not in turmoil at all. We're moving forward, and we're going to go to Super Tuesday and on beyond that. We have an enormous base of grassroots support."
In introducing his new campaign chairman, Mr. Dean said, "I have finally found a loyal man who stays positive even in challenging circumstances. I don't need Steve Grossman or any of the other pathetic rats who are jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. And I'll try to be gracious when they all come crawling up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue looking for a job in January 2005."
(2004-02-16) -- On the eve of what might be his greatest political triumph to date, Democrat presidential contender Howard Dean was slightly injured tonight during an apparent attack on a windmill near Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
Mr. Dean, who has promised that even if he loses his 17th presidential contest in a row tomorrow in Wisconsin he would fight on, denied that he was injured by a windmill.
"It was no mere windmill that laid me low," said Mr. Dean. "It was one of those giant special interest corporate lobbying groups that smote me as I endeavored to cleave it in twain...Yet nothing shall deter me in this noble quest."
(2004-02-16) -- As the father of Pakistan's nuclear weapons program recovered from a heart attack today, President Pervez Musharraf revealed that the revered scientist had already sold a defibrillator and a cardiac monitor to the government of North Korea.
Abdul Qadeer Khan, who in recent weeks apologized to Pakistanis for running a black-market nuclear weapons proliferation network, suffered a cardiac arrest today as a result of the stress of being pardoned by President Musharraf rather than jailed as a traitor and terrorist.
"When I brought some flowers to A.Q. Khan today," said Gen. Musharraf, "I noticed that some of the government-provided medical equipment was missing from his room. He confessed that he had sold it to Kim Jong Il, and was very sorry. I immediately forgave him."
(2004-02-16) -- Just a week after an old photo showed presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry and actress Jane Fonda at an anti-war rally in the 1970s, Howard Dean's campaign today released a new image which appears to link Mr. Kerry with President George Bush at a NASCAR event this weekend.
"George Bush and John Kerry are cut from the same cloth," said Mr. Dean as he distributed copies of the picture to reporters. "A vote for Kerry is a vote for Bush."
The photo appears to show Mr. Kerry, in a racing suit among a group of NASCAR drivers clustered around Mr. Bush.
A spokesman for the Kerry campaign said, "The Senator is a big racing fan, and was just hanging out in the pits at Daytona as he often does at NASCAR events."
(2004-02-16) -- George W. Bush became the first presidential candidate in 2004 to "play the race card" by appearing at the Daytona Speedway Sunday, according to John Forbes Kerry, the presumed Democrat nominee.
"Mr. Bush has again divided this country," said Mr. Kerry. "By appearing at the Daytona 500 he has condoned an economic activity in which the elite win, and everyone else loses."
The junior Senator from Massachusetts called NASCAR racing "another sweet oil deal for the Bush-Cheney-Halliburton cabal. It's more than coincidence that Mr. Bush would make a surprise visit to oil-rich Iraq, and then do the same thing at Daytona."
As president, Mr. Kerry said he would issue an executive order mandating that all NASCAR drivers use hydrogen-powered cars. The Kerry plan calls for the Daytona 500 to be held in Kyoto, Japan, under the supervision of the United Nations, with all drivers wearing baby-blue helmets.
(2004-02-16) -- Democrat presidential frontrunner John Forbes Kerry, who favors raising taxes on families that earn more than $200,000 annually, said today that "ordinary American families don't need that kind of loot."
"There's no legitimate reason why a commoner needs that much cash," said the multimillionaire Senator who married the heiress of the Heinz food fortune. "Joe and Sally Sixpack would just waste the money on bland food, mall-store clothing, cookie-cutter homes, tacky decorative items and education for their mediocre spawn."
Mr. Kerry said that raising taxes on anyone who crosses the $200,000 threshold would "disincentify common folks from earning too much" thus reducing the demand for "crass products."
"Higher taxes on such people will help prevent the debasing of our culture and put us on the road to becoming more like Europe," he said.
(2004-02-15) -- After losing the Nevada and Washington D.C. caucuses Saturday to Democrat presidential frontrunner John F. Kerry, former frontrunner Howard Dean today announced that his campaign would soon "implode over a scandal."
The announcement came as Mr. Kerry continued to "generate buzz" with his denial of allegations of marital infidelity, a Vietnam-era photo of him with Jane Fonda and an old newspaper interview in which a young Mr. Kerry called for U.S. troops to be placed solely under U.N. command. Mr. Dean has yet to win a single primary or caucus, while Mr. Kerry has won 14 of 16 contests.
"I'm about to implode over some sort of scandal too," said Mr. Dean at a campaign stop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. "Although we don't yet know what that scandal will be, we're digging for dirt on me right now. We're hoping for some sort of a moral failure."
Although the scandal has not yet emerged, the Dean campaign immediately released the text of a "pre-emptive denial" which the candidate will issue on Don Imus' radio talkshow.
"There is nothing to report," Dean will tell Imus. "So there is nothing to talk about. I'm not worried about it. No."
(2004-02-13) -- Archaeologists working on a dig near Dannelly Air National Guard Base have uncovered a fossilized set of footprints which reportedly support President George W. Bush's contention that he served his Guard duty in Alabama more than three decades ago.
Radiocarbon dating and analysis of the geological stratum in which the fossils were found establish that the prints were made during the Vietnam era.
"The angle and depth of the boot impressions match the gait and known weight of the young Mr. Bush at that time," said an unnamed archaeologist. "It was quite exciting at the dig site -- like finding the proverbial missing link."
Together with previously discovered dental records and ancient documents, this latest evidence helps complete a picture that confirms what the President has said all along.
Forensic specialists will now comb the sedimentary layers where the footprints were unearthed hoping to recover bits of fossilized hair, saliva or sloughed-off skin cells to subject to DNA analysis which would finally prove his Guard service conclusively.
(2004-02-13) -- President George Bush told a friend yesterday that he supports a ban on "same-sex eunuchs," according to a member of the White House press corps who claims to have overheard the conversation.
"Mr. Bush told an old family friend, 'We need to stop these same-sex eunuchs'," the unnamed journalist said. "Of course, since I only overheard it, he might have really meant 'UNIX', the computer operating system. But I think it was 'eunuchs'."
The revelation comes a day after the mayor of San Francisco violated California law by permitting a city official to grant so-called "marriage" licenses to a dozen homosexual couples. Meanwhile, the Massachusetts legislature debated a ban on homosexual marriage in the wake of a state Supreme Judicial Court ruling demanding not only equal treatment of homosexual unions, but also the use of the word 'marriage' to describe the category.
The White House released a statement on the report which said:
"The president does not oppose eunuchs, or UNIX. However, he can understand the confusion over words. After all...
-- 'Gay' used to mean happy.
-- A fun 'same-sex' activity would be something like football or quilting.
-- A 'civil union' was a non-violent organized labor group,
-- and 'marriage' was a sacred bond, ordained by God, which united one man and one woman for life."
BREAKING...
(2004-02-12) -- A story on the Drudge Report, suggesting a scandal is about to break involving presidential candidate John F. Kerry and an intern, has inspired former President Bill Clinton to offer his eagerly-sought endorsement to the junior Senator from Massachusetts.
"Whether the Drudge story is true or not," said Mr. Clinton, "I finally see a candidate with whom I can identify. I was withholding my endorsement until I found a candidate who would resonate with mainstream Democrats the way I did. John F. Kerry is the man."
(2004-02-12) -- The Bush administration today released a photograph which it said verifies that a young George W. Bush was serving his country as a National Guardsman by attending "patriotic anti-war rallies with Jane Fonda and John Kerry in Washington D.C."
"The President felt at the time that the best way to serve his country was to support the anti-war movement," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. "So, he hitched a ride in a VW microbus with some other patriots from his Alabama Guard unit, and went to cheer Jane and John."
Sen. Kerry said, "This evidence finally puts to rest the scurrilous allegations about Mr. Bush's service in the National Guard. Now that it's been proven that my opponent was a faithful patriot, we can move on to a discussion of the issues facing our nation today."
(2004-02-12) -- Following Israeli attacks in the Gaza strip yesterday, the leader of Hamas, the Palestinian social services agency, said Israel's action "has finally forced us to reluctantly resort to violence."
"Apparently, our years of sincere negotiations have failed to win over the Israelis," said Hamas leader Mahmoud Zahar, "As abhorrent as violence is to us, we are left with no other option but self-defense. It may take us a while to muster the weapons and soldiers, but we will eventually retaliate."
(2004-02-12) -- Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts, the business savant behind the proposed Comcast takeover of Disney, today announced the merged entity's new name: AOLTimeWarner.
"Most of our board of directors wanted to call it Discomneycast," said an enthusiastic Mr. Roberts at a news conference called to announce the name. "But our marketing consultants said AOLTimeWarner sounds more monolithic, more synergistic and hypermyopic. It just screams 'shareholder value'."
Mr. Roberts said the best thing about controlling the parent company of ABC and the Disney theme parks will be "the power to press a button on my desk and have both Mickey Mouse and Peter Jennings appear in my office at the same time."
(2004-02-12) -- Just a day after cable operator Comcast announced its $66 billion hostile takeover bid of Disney, Wal-Mart today revealed its intention to buy Proctor and Gamble.
"It's perfect synergy," said an unnamed Wal-Mart spokesman. "Just like Comcast, which owns the distribution channel, could also control the content that flows through that channel, Wal-Mart will increase shareholder value by manufacturing most of what we distribute."
In approving the takeover bid for P&G;, Wal-Mart's board of directors indicated the move represented "an expansion of the 'Sam's Choice' branding arrangement we've done for years."
"In 2005, Tide laundry detergent and Crest toothpaste will be called 'Sam's Tide' and 'Sam's Crest'," said the spokesman. "As we pursue the Comcast-Disney strategy, by 2008 everything in the store will carry Sam's name, we'll own all factories and we'll employ about 60 percent of the people who shop in our stores."
The spokesman declined to comment on the potential for a Wal-Mart takeover of Comcast-Disney.
(2004-02-11) -- Vietnam veteran John F. Kerry will soundly defeat National Guardsman George W. Bush in the 1972 presidential election, according to a new poll commissioned by the Kerry campaign.
"This election is not about the future, or my legislative record," said Mr. Kerry, "It's about what George W. Bush and I did more than three decades ago. Today's issues pale in comparison to the relevance of my heroic service in Vietnam...and of course, Mr. Bush's valiant efforts in Texas and Alabama from time to time."
The poll has a margin of error of plus-or-minus 32 years.
(2004-02-11) -- Wesley Clark will reportedly announce Wednesday he's abandoning his White House bid.
Academy Award-winning filmmaker Michael Moore, a vocal supporter of the Clark candidacy, immediately issued a statement calling the former Army general "a deserter."
However, Democrat National Committee (DNC) chairman Terry McAuliffe said that Mr. Clark would be honorably discharged from his commitment to seek the nomination.
Mr. Clark's campaign released the following statement:
"General Clark has always said that if you begin a campaign under false pretenses, with little understanding of the consequences of your actions and then spend millions of dollars of other people's money only to wind up in a quagmire, you need to cut and run. He's a man of integrity, and it's time to retreat."
(2004-02-11) -- Although C-Span plans to carry a Congressional hearing today on whether to increase fines for indecent TV programming, many TV sets equipped with V-chips may block the show.
The hearing, which starts at 9:30 a.m., was sparked by the recent Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake Super Bowl 'wardrobe malfunction', and will include testimony from the chairman of Viacom and the NFL Commissioner.
"Given the nature of the discussion, the hearing will probably be rated TV-14 -- parents strongly cautioned," said Rep. Fred Upton, R-MI, chairman of the House subcommittee on Telecommunications and the Internet. "The rating is mostly due to the potential for 'intensely suggestive dialogue'. The Congressmen on the subcommittee will be using a lot of political innuendo and the chairman of Viacom may find himself exposed."
However, Rep. Upton said, "Parents can be assured that it's okay for children to watch the hearing, because it's all just suggestive -- nothing will really happen."
(2004-02-10) -- As the John F. Kerry bandwagon continued to roll through presidential primaries in Virginia and Tennessee tonight, former vice president Al Gore took to the pulpit of a rural African-American church to lambaste the man he now says he's sorry he endorsed.
With most of the vote counted, former Democrat frontrunner Howard Dean was in single digits, shoulder-to-shoulder with Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich.
"Howard Dean betrayed this country!," Mr. Gore shouted as the congregation cheered. "I'll tell you, it is not a minor matter to take the loyalty and patriotic feelings of the American people and trifle with them. Nor is it trivial to pilfer $40 million -- 89 percent of it from average Americans -- and throw it away on advertising and web sites and plane trips and motels and latte and pizza."
Mr. Gore retracted his endorsement of Mr. Dean and suggested that he had been enticed to back the former frontrunner under false pretenses.
With rhythmic speech pattern that has become his trademark, Mr. Gore said, "I tried, and I tried. But Dean lied, and once again, my career has died."
(2004-02-10) -- The chairman of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) today defended the right of children, and even household pets, to make political contributions.
The remarks came after a story in The New York Times highlighted the fact that children as young as two-years-old legally make contributions to political parties and candidates.
"If your 2nd-grader really believes in a party, or a candidate," said DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe, "you can't prevent her from giving, just because some skeptics think its nothing but a way for rich people to violate the contribution caps for individual donations. And if your pet is really committed to a set of ideas and the person who represents them, he or she shouldn't be disenfranchised from contributing."
Mr. McAuliffe said that since Howard Dean's so-called "I Have a Scream" speech in Iowa, the DNC has been deluged with requests from family pets who want to contribute money to the Dean campaign.
"Apparently there was something in that speech which resonated with dogs in particular," he said. "The Bassett Hound and Dalmatian donations have been pouring in."
(2004-02-10) -- Syndicated columnist Robert Novak, whose July 2003 column revealed the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame, said today he is "outraged" at the slow pace of a grand jury investigation to discover the names of Bush administration officials who 'outed' Ms. Plame to Mr. Novak.
"Federal prosecutors are spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars on this sluggish probe to find out who told me Plame's name," said Mr. Novak, "I'm outraged that unknown White House officials won't tell the grand jury that they blew Plame's cover. Every day that this information remains secret costs Americans more money. The prosecutors must take quick action to bring this case to a close."
Mr. Novak has not been questioned by prosecutors, nor called to testify to the grand jury. Journalists typically refuse to reveal their anonymous sources because it would hurt their credibility.
(2004-02-09) -- Former Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean today reversed his previous pledge to drop out of the race if he loses the Wisconsin primary. He now promises to stay in "until this ringing in my head stops."
"Even if I don't win Wisconsin or any other state, I will continue to run," Mr. Dean told a small crowd of supporters in Sheboygan. "If I don't get the nomination, I will run as an independent. And if I lose the general election, I will immediately announce my 2008 campaign and keep running. I will never stop running for president. This is my profession -- my calling. The ringing in my head beckons me to strive inexorably onward. Can you hear the ringing? Can you hear it?"
The crowd erupted in applause and shouts of "Yes, we hear it. Run Howard, run!"
(2004-02-09) -- Democrat presidential frontrunner Sen. John F. Kerry today ignored reports that he is 'aloof' and dismissed charges that he is 'patrician' or 'aristocratic', calling the latter "lies promulgated by provincial proletarians -- the ignorant hoi polloi."
As reporters pressed Mr. Kerry about his alleged aloofness, the junior senator from Massachusetts casually waved his hand, as if brushing off crumbs from his necktie. He then continued to talk about his service in Vietnam in contrast with President George Bush's "on again, off again stint in the National Guard."
During a campaign stop at a restaurant, Mr. Kerry carefully carved a pizza slice with a knife and nibbled small morsels of it from a fork as he told some local people about his service in Vietnam.
He used the occasion to again refute claims that his noble lineage sets him apart from most Americans.
"Just because I was born into wealth, attended an Ivy League school, married two wealthy women and live in a multimillion dollar home in Boston's finest neighborhood, doesn't mean that I can't identify with the common man," said Mr. Kerry. "I can relate to the average Joe Sixpack. He loves to hear about my service in Vietnam and I enjoy talking about it. So we have something in common."
(2004-02-08) -- Presidential contender John F. Kerry's Inevitability Index hovered around 90 percent, up 10 points after yesterday's victories over Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton in the Washington and Michigan caucuses.
The Inevitably Index is an aggregate percentage derived from media reports which portray a candidate as the "frontrunner," "dominating," "unstoppable," or "the presumptive nominee."
"A score of 90 on the Inevitability Index would put Kerry ahead of where both Clinton and Carter were at this point in their races," said an unnamed spokesman for the National Organization of Journalists Assessing Candidate Capability (NOJACC). "Everytime a news story portrays his campaign as a juggernaut , Kerry becomes that much more juggernautical. It's eerily Howard Deanish."
(2004-02-07) -- Despite enduring a painful series of presidential primary poundings from Sen. John F. Kerry, former Democrat frontrunner Howard Dean today celebrated two recent successes -- a windfall of cash from supporters hoping for a Dean win in Wisconsin, and a major endorsement from the former Pets.com Sock Puppet.
The Sock Puppet, who has earned his living doing endorsements and writing since the collapse of Pets.com, is scheduled to appear with Mr. Dean in Sheboygan on Monday to announce his support.
"I know what it's like to spend millions on a brilliant cyber-strategy," said Mr. Puppet, "I think Howard Dean is someone we can all relate to. Although I'm sure people will remember the Pets.com Sock Puppet long after they've forgetten old what's-his-name from Vermont."
(2004-02-06) -- As President George Bush announced the appointment of a commission to "objectively assess pre-Iraq war intelligence", CIA Director George Tenet warned the panel about the risks of "war probe malfunctions" which might reveal things that should remain undercover.
"We've all been reminded recently what can happen when one attempts, in a public forum, to uncover something which is better left concealed," said Mr. Tenet. "What we do is valuable precisely because it is discreet. I'm concerned that this investigation could be prone to accidental outings, that could expose our people and thus devalue their work."
In related news, CBS announced it will work with MTV Productions to carry the commission's proceedings as they happen.
"It's part of our public service," said an unnamed CBS spokesman. "We're going to turn on young people to government, just like we piqued their interest in professional football last week."
(2004-02-06) -- Syndicated columnist Robert Novak today revealed that President George Bush will appoint retired diplomat Joe Wilson to lead an independent inquiry into pre-war U.S. intelligence capabilities.
Mr. Novak wrote, "Two senior administration officials told me that Wilson's wife, CIA operative Valerie Plame, recommended him to head the commission. President Bush was reportedly impressed with Wilson's diligent work debunking allegations that Saddam Hussein tried to buy uranium in Niger."
Mr. Wilson, speaking on a secure satellite phone from an undisclosed location, said he was unaware of his appointment to the commission and denied knowing either Mr. Bush or his wife.
(2004-02-06) -- Economists today lamented news of the fifth straight monthly increase in non-farm jobs because it fell short of the figure they had predicted.
Only 112,000 new jobs were created in January, not the expected 150,000, due largely to a continuing slump in the economic forecasting industry.
"Nobody's hiring experts to predict what the economy will do anymore," said an unnamed spokesman for the Union of Economic Forecasters (UEF). "Maybe it's because the predictions are rarely accurate and every time the news breaks that the economy fell short of predictions, the stock market slumps. But at the UEF, we still think there's a need for professionals who make self-fulfilling economic prophesies. In fact, we predict that in February, almost 300,000 new jobs will be created for economic forecasters."
(2004-02-06) -- John Kerry's presidential campaign staff today "shifted into neutral for the swift downhill glide to the nomination" after receiving word that its candidate would receive the coveted Dick Gephardt endorsement.
"We're pulling all of our ads and cancelling dozens of campaign appearances," said Mr. Kerry's campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill. "Why blow all that money when you've got the Gephardt mojo working? From now on, Sen. Kerry will devote his time to polishing his acceptance speech and interviewing candidates for cabinet posts."
According to a prepared text of his endorsement remarks, Mr. Gephardt will say, "John Kerry is the frontrunner for the Democrat nomination, and that's why I'm endorsing him now, rather than before last week's primary in my home state of Missouri. Unlike George W. Bush, he's no miserable failure. I'm encouraging all of my supporters, including the union members who helped me capture fourth place in Iowa, to get behind John Kerry."
A spokesman for Mr. Gephardt said that the Missouri Congressman ran for president recently, although the claim could not be independently confirmed.
(2004-02-05) -- While many political candidates promise big benefits if they are elected, Democrat presidential hopeful Howard Dean today sent an email to supporters proposing an economic development grant which he plans to deliver next week to certain Wisconsin businesses.
"I propose that we transfer $700,000 from the bank accounts of hundreds of Dean supporters nationwide into the accounts of a handful of media companies throughout Wisconsin," said Mr. Dean. "This is not just a last desperate burst of self-aggrandizement from a man who will soon repose in the shadow of Michael Dukakis -- it's an opportunity for citizens to give back to the entertainment companies that have given so much to them. And it's a final, fitting flourish from a campaign which has helped average Americans pour $40 million dollars into the beleaguered media, advertising, airline and political consulting industries."
(2004-02-05) -- Democrat National Committee (DNC) chairman Terry McAuliffe today said that presidential candidates John F. Kerry and John Edwards have gone AWOL from the Senate, missing almost every Senate vote in the past three months, and perhaps longer.
"These men signed up to serve their country, yet they failed to show up for duty," said Mr. McAuliffe, who earlier this week repeated spurious allegations that President George W. Bush had gone absent without leave from the National Guard in the early 1970s.
"I have reviewed the Senate voting records going back to the beginning of November 2003," said Mr. McAuliffe. "They show that Sen. Kerry missed 32 votes and Sen. Edwards missed 30. These men draw six-figure annual salaries to represent the citizens of their respective states. If we had this kind of dirt on Bush during the 2000 elections, Al Gore would be sitting in the Oval Office today."
Mr. McAuliffe said he came forward with the Senate AWOL charge because "Americans have a right to know whether their potential president keeps his commitments to voters."
The DNC chairman noted that retired General Wesley Clark is the best candidate still in the race, "because nobody needs him to show up anywhere, and yet he does anyway. That's dedication."
(2004-02-05) -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told Sen. Edward M. Kennedy yesterday that he was "all wet" when the Senator alleged that the Bush administration lied about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction to justify going to war.
The verbal clash came during Mr. Rumsfeld's testimony at a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing probing the state of pre-war intelligence.
Sen. Kennedy began his questioning of the Defense Secretary by saying, "Don't you think some members of the Bush administration should be held legally accountable for the lies they told about Iraqi weapons, and the subsequent cover-up?"
"First, with all due respect Senator Kennedy, you're all wet," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "The administration has not lied or covered up. However, in general, I do believe that when a man commits a crime he should face the bar of justice. He should not be allowed to serve in positions of power in our government, and be hailed as a leader, when the question of his guilt remains unresolved, if you know what I mean."
"I'm sure I do not know what you mean," Mr. Kennedy said. "But the American people deserve to know why you can't find Saddam's weapons of mass destruction."
"Sometimes things are hard to find, even when you know where they are," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "For example, I've heard of a man who missed a bridge and drove his car into the water, even though he knew where the bridge was. And then sometimes you just keep diving into a problem and despite repeated efforts, you come up empty handed. That doesn't mean that nothing's there. As you know, eventually, the truth comes to light."
Having no further questions, Mr. Kennedy yielded the remainder of his time.
(2004-02-04) -- Starting May 18, single people in Massachusetts can be granted a marriage license allowing them to enjoy all of the legal and social benefits that come with the term "married," even though they remain alone.
The ruling by the state's Supreme Judicial Court comes on the same day the court declared, by a 4-3 vote, that a new law granting monogamous homosexual couples identical rights to heterosexual couples must refer to the arrangement as "marriage" rather than a civil "union."
The majority ruled that any wording which differentiates among people creates a "second class" of citizens who would be seen as inferior. Since "marriage" is the traditional, and favored, term, anything less represents "invidious discrimination" forbidden under the state constitution.
The court had decided that homosexuals would be denied not only legal protections, but would be "excluded from the full range of human experience" if they were granted anything less than full marriage benefits under a law that explicitly calls their union "marriage." In the follow-up ruling it applied the same logic to singles and groups of people of any number.
While the court previously defined marriage as "the voluntary union of two persons as spouses, to the exclusion of others," today it amended the definition.
The new definition of marriage in Massachusetts reads as follows: "a package of legal and tax benefits and restrictions, regarding procreation, child rearing and conservation of resources, granted to one or more persons who purchase a license from the state."
However, the American Civil Liberties Union has already filed a suit challenging the term "persons" as potentially discriminatory toward other species.
"We are so close now to achieving a 21st-century version of Martin Luther King's vision for America," said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. "We are speeding up that day when all people -- homosexuals and heterosexuals...singles, couples and small groups...sentient beings and non-sentient beings -- can join hands, paws or flippers in civil matrimony and sing in the words of that old African-American spiritual 'Free at last...Free at last. Thank our lucky stars we are free at last'."
(2004-02-04) -- Actor-director Mel Gibson announced today that he would drop the crucifixion scene from his upcoming film The Passion of the Christ because focus groups didn't like it.
The announcement comes a day after reports that Mr. Gibson would cut another scene, also panned by focus groups, involving Jews calling for the Christ's crucifixion. Both scenes portray events from the New Testament of the Bible.
"It didn't work in the focus screenings," said an unnamed associate of Mr. Gibson. "Frankly, I understand how people could be offended at the mutilation and execution of an innocent Jewish teacher."
Marketing experts say that without those two scenes, The Passion of the Christ should be "the feel-good hit of the season."
(2004-02-04) -- After only three weeks on the job, former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino resigned as senior vice president of football operations for the Dolphins yesterday and this morning announced he has been named King of England.
"I love the Dolphins, but I didn't want to be a just a figurehead," said Mr. Marino who set a number of NFL records in 17 seasons as a player, but had no experience in football operations. "Her Majesty, the Queen, has promised that I would have an active role in royal family operations. I want to put my leadership skills to the test, and kings make a lot of important decisions."
Mr. Marino, who has worked as a football commentator since his retirement, will take a "significant pay cut" in order to rule the United Kingdom, according to his agent.
(2004-02-04) -- After punishing primary losses in seven states last night, presidential candidate Howard Dean said his strategy to capture the Democrat nomination, then the White House, doesn't depend on winning primaries or the November election.
"We all know you can become president without winning the popular vote," Mr. Dean told a crowd of supporters in Washington state. "I'm the only Democrat still in the race who has a plan to lose every primary battle yet win the delegate count and become the nominee. Then, in November, I'm going to beat George W. Bush at his own game. I'll lose the popular vote, then win the presidency in the Electoral College and the courts."
Mr. Dean said he wouldn't make the mistake that Al Gore did in the 2000 election by "pandering to the masses."
"Our campaign is not about what's popular," he said. "Frankly, not everyone is smart enough to vote for Howard Dean. We're looking for a few loyal voters who will stick with a losing team throughout the season until it wins the Super Bowl."
(2004-02-03) -- Theatrical garment forensics experts from the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) worked through the night, in an airplane hangar near Houston, to reconstruct Janet Jackson's Super Bowl halftime show costume which suffered a sudden "wardrobe malfunction" Sunday night.
The unexpected, unplanned, accidental event which exposed part of Ms. Jackson's upper torso to 99 million American television viewers has sparked an FCC investigation which could result in millions of dollars in fines and new government regulations on the structural integrity of television costumes.
"We should have a full report from the task force in about 10 months," said FCC Chairman Michael Powell. "Until our forensics team completes its preliminary investigation, this case is officially a UGF -- unexplained garment failure. Now that a federal agency is investigating this incident, the American people can feel safe knowing that their taxpayer dollars are invested well."
(2004-02-03) -- White House budget director Joshua B. Bolton was briefly hospitalized today and treated for smoke inhalation and lacerations after a freak accident involving the Bush administration's $2.4 trillion budget proposal for 2005.
"Mr. Bolton was preparing to do a presentation about the budget when he was overcome by the smoke, fainted and actually shattered one of the mirrors which cut him in several places," said an unnamed senior administration official. "We're still working to confirm rumors that Mr. Bolton may have been juggling chainsaws at the time."
Mr. Bolton had been preparing to explain to Republican lawmakers how President Bush's budget adheres to the conservative values of smaller government and fiscal restraint.
The 2005 budget proposal projects a $521 billion deficit, with spending increases for the departments of Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Justice, Labor, State, the Veterans Administration and the IRS. The expenses of war in Afghanistan and Iraq are not included in the $2.4 trillion total, and neither is the Homeland Security department's $2.5 billion Project BioShield.
(2004-02-02) -- Executives at Viacom, the parent company of CBS and MTV, this morning reacted with surprise at complaints about partial nudity, off-color commercials and flag desecration during the halftime show of last night's Super Bowl.
"We produce age-appropriate programming," said an unnamed Viacom spokesman. "Parents must protect their children from violent sports. That's why we broadcast the Super Bowl early Sunday evening, when most children will be at church services or working on homework and getting to bed early. What kind of parents allow their kids to stay up after 8 p.m. on a school night to view violent sports?"
The CBS-MTV production included...
-- Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson groping each other and simulating sexual activity, topped off by Mr. Timberlake ripping Ms. Jackson's outfit to reveal her breast.
-- Performing artist 'Kid Rock' wearing an American flag with a hole in it as a poncho
-- Rapper 'Nelly' gripping his crotch through most of his performance
-- Two commercials depicting damage to men's groins
-- a car commercial where children express awe using an interjection which combines the sacred with the scatalogical
-- at least two commercials for medicine to treat male sexual dysfunction
-- a beer commercial featuring flaming equine flatulence
-- a program promo where a young boy expresses awe at seeing a woman in red, lacy underpants.
The spokesman said Viacom will devote several million dollars of broadcast time this year to public service announcements urging parents to protect their children from "the devastating effects of viewing violent sports."
(2004-02-01) -- About two-thirds of Iranian Members of Parliament have not yet resigned in protest over the heavy-handed rule of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khameini, and Mr. Khameini said today, "Two out of three ain't bad."
"In an republic like Iran," said Mr. Khameini, "You can't be popular with everyone. I try to look on the bright side. We still have almost two-thirds of parliament, so the glass is more than half-full."
Since all actions of government in Iran are subject to Mr. Khameini's unelected 12-member Guardian Council, he said, "Having all those extra MPs was superfluous anyway."
(2004-02-01) -- In the annual contest between stone pillars symbolizing the devil and thousands of devoted stone-throwing Muslims, the devil won again this year as at least 244 pilgrims died of trampling during the Hajj (pilgrimage) to Mecca.
"We were disorganized and Satan came ready to play," said an unnamed Imam speaking for Allah, the official deity of Islam. "We threw everything we had at him and those stone pillars are none the worse for the attack. But hundreds of our people are dead, or on the injured reserve list. Ultimately, you have to blame leadership. Allah and his preachers take personal responsibility for the loss."
The Imam said the loss will not affect his mission "to propagate the deep truths of our religion so that all citizens of earth can benefit from the peaceful, intellectual and spiritual teachings of Islam."
"I know it's a cliché," he added. "But we'll go back to the films and the playbook, make some adjustments and next year we'll be back to rock the Hajj."
(2004-02-01) -- Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry said today that he can stand up against the influence of special interests in Washington while receiving large political contributions from special interests because he's so rich that money doesn't matter to him.
"If I were the average bumpkin from the South, I'm sure I'd do whatever my big contributors told me to do," said Mr. Kerry. "But I went to Yale, worked as a lawyer, served in the Senate and married an heiress. I wear quality British shirts. I'm immune to the lure of filthy lucre and the base craving for power. As Solomon wrote, 'Vanity of vanities! All is vanity'."
(2004-02-01) -- President George Bush may back a probe into the six ongoing inquiries into U.S. intelligence agency investigations of Iraq's pre-war stocks of weapons of mass destruction based on United Nations inspections.
"Accountability is everything in a democratic republic," said an unnamed senior White House official. "The CIA got much of its WMD intel from U.N. inspection teams that they couldn't trust. The House, the Senate, the CIA, the Army, the Iraq Survey Group and the President's Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board are all conducting inquiries into why we haven't found the expected stockpiles of WMD. But all those people are engaged in political turf wars, so the president feels we should establish an independent commission to investigate the panels that are investigating the pre-war investigation of Iraq's weapons capabilities based on the U.N. investigation."
The Washington Post, New York Times, Los Angeles Times and Reuters news agency have all assigned investigative reporters to determine whether the president's desire to appoint a commission to investigate the investigations may be politically motivated.
Meanwhile, the editor of Columbia Journalism Review said his publication would assign writers to monitor how the major media cover the president's request for a probe into the probes of the CIA's probe of Iraq's WMD based on the U.N. probe.
An overnight poll shows that almost 83 percent of Americans are proud that their tax dollars can provide funding so that the two major political parties can discredit each other as Congressional aides try to answer questions that the world's finest intelligence agencies failed to answer accurately.
In the words of one survey respondent: "If even one politician or political appointee loses his job as a result of all this, it will be worth the millions of dollars and months of political wrangling. And as a result, America will be safer."
