(2004-01-31) -- A little known provision of the so-called Patriot Act allows federal authorities to confiscate the Carolina Panthers' playbook and carry out sneak-and-peek inspections of the team's pre-Super Bowl strategy sessions.

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "This is nothing that we couldn't do with any other combatant against the finest American Patriots. There is no privacy issue here. Of course, I can't comment further on this ongoing case, but let me just say this: take the points."

(2004-01-31) -- Former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to the White House yesterday, just hours after offering campaign advice to Congressional Democrats, at a time when a new poll shows President George Bush in a virtual dead-heat with Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry.

"I gave the president a few little ideas," said Mr. Clinton as he emerged from an hour of doling out political wisdom to Mr. Bush and White House political advisor Karl Rove.

"I told George and Karl that the only way to win re-election is to move to the center," Mr. Clinton said. "Heck, he's pumping money into public education, the National Endowment for the Arts and a huge new Medicare entitlement. He's proposing to let illegal immigrants work in the U.S.. I said, 'George, you gotta move to the right. Get in the center. America is not that liberal'."

(2004-01-31) -- Allowing European Union (EU) nations to sell advanced weaponry to the communist Chinese dictatorship will help maintain global balance, according to the French Foreign Minister who wants the EU to drop its embargo on such sales.

"There is a balance in world affairs -- a yin and yang, if you will," said Dominique de Villepin (who is a man). "There will always be iron-fisted regimes and there will always be oppressed people yearning for freedom. It's part of the circle of life. By selling military technology to China at a time when dictatorships are threatened by the forces of freedom, we help assure that balance is maintained. Besides, if we don't sell to them, all the Chinese money keeps going to the Russians, whose weapons aren't nearly as effective as ours."

While the United States opposes arms sales due to China's record of human rights abuses, Mr. de Villepin said the term 'human rights' is "open to interpretation."

"It's such a loaded term," he said. "Every time the U.S. wants to stop us from arming a dictatorship, they throw out that red herring."

Mr. de Villepin said, however, that France and her allies had learned something from the experience of selling weapons to Saddam Hussein while Iraq was under U.N. sanctions.

"As your American Girl Scouts say, 'get the money before you give them the cookies'," he said.

(2004-01-30) -- A United Nations team sent to assess the feasibility of direct elections in Iraq, announced today that it has found no evidence of voters in the nation of 25 million persons.

"We need more time," said an unnamed spokesman for the U.N. election team just minutes after arriving at Baghdad Airport. "This is a big country and voters could be anywhere. Frankly, we doubt there are any here at all. We have a 12,000-page document on the subject from the old Hussein regime. It will take months to translate and interpret that before we can take one step outside of our heavily-guarded compound."

Until the U.N. team completes its tally of voters, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan has proposed that Iraq be ruled by the nation's top Shiite cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani.

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed confidence that voters would be found.

"We have satellite photos," said Mr. Powell, "and documents indicating that Saddam Hussein was frequently re-elected by 100 percent of the voters. So, we can say with some assurance that Iraq had an election program, and possibly actual voters."

(2004-01-30) -- After David Kay told a Senate panel last week that his Iraq Survey Group has found no stockpiles of WMD, Sen. Carl Levin, D-MI, demanded a sweeping investigation of U.S. intelligence capabilities.

In addition to probing why the C.I.A. failed to discover Saddam Hussein’s dearth of weapons of mass destruction, Sen. Levin said the investigation should determine how al-Qaeda acquired box cutters before September 11, 2001.

“In hindsight,” said Sen. Levin, “It’s more important to know how bin Laden got the razor blades. We know that those blades can destroy tall buildings and kill thousands. Why didn’t the C.I.A. know three years ago that al Qaeda had box-cutter technology? If we had discovered their stockpiles and destroyed them by pinpoint bombing, 9-11 never would have happened.”

Sen. Levin suggested that the Bush administration downplayed al Qaeda’s box cutter capabilities before September 2001, despite warnings from the outgoing Clinton administration that ‘Arab-looking people’ had been seen in hardware departments at Wal-Mart, Sears and Home Depot in seven states.

Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet, a Clinton appointee, acknowledged that “we may have relied too heavily on information from the U.N.H.C.I. – United Nations Hardware and Cutlery Inspectors. We need to develop independent sources of information about all of the potential implements of destruction (P.I.D.), and of course that takes more money.”

An unnamed senior Bush administration official said, “The president welcomes any investigation that would strengthen our defenses and make America safer.”

“Of course,” the official added, “a cynic might argue that the most dangerous Iraqi weapon of mass destruction was pulled from a spider hole near Tikrit on December 13, 2003, by troops from the U.S. 4th Infantry Division.”

“Our pre-war intelligence indicated that WMD was there,” he said. “It took us a long time to find it in an unlikely location. But thousands of lives have been saved as a result of our intelligence work, and our troops on the ground. Probe that, Mr. Levin."

(2004-01-30) -- Rush Limbaugh's medical records contain stunning revelations about the top-rated radio personality, according to an expert who has examined the files.

"Blood pressure and pulse readings recorded in these records indicate that Rush Limbaugh actually may have a four-chamber heart," said the unnamed expert who read the records on a lunchroom bulletin board at the Palm Beach County prosecutors office. "The heart evidence, along with temperature readings and other data, would almost lead one to conclude that Rush Limbaugh is a mammal -- possibly human. And since he was born in the United States, he may be a citizen, entitled to protection from 'unreasonable searches and seizures' under the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution, and to 'due process of law' under the Fifth Amendment."

The unnamed expert cautioned that his conclusions were "purely speculative," and should have little effect upon how the prosecutor's office handles the case.

(2004-01-30) -- Wealthy U.S. Senators from both sides of the aisle today agreed to use their personal funds to make up the difference between the promised cost of the new Medicare drug benefit and the latest Bush administration cost estimates -- a gap of about $130 billion over 10 years.

"Like any other business, when you make a mistake you have to eat it," said an unnamed aide to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-TN. "We can't go to the taxpayers and say 'Oops! We said we needed $400 billion of your money, but it's really $530 billion.' They'd tar and feather us -- or at least vote us out of office."

Although only 11 Democrats voted for the measure, the other 35 agreed to help plug the funding gap because they only voted against it because they want a more expensive plan.

"If we had our way," said an unnamed Democrat senator, "We'd be talking trillion, instead of billion. It's only fair that we pony up for this."

The Senators said they would get some help paying for the new entitlement program by lifting the cap on contributions to legislators by pharmaceutical industry lobbyists.

Meanwhile, independent Vermont Sen. Jim Jeffords introduced a bill calling on the Bush administration to reduce its estimate of the cost of the Medicare drug plan.

(2004-01-29) -- The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) announced today it would fund a special production of Arthur Miller's 'Death of a Salesman' as a tribute to President George Bush.

The announcement comes on the same day as news that the President will request $15-$20 million in additional funding for the NEA, a government agency which distributes taxpayer dollars to artists whose work is so good they cannot make a living doing it.

The play tells the story of Willy Loman, a salesman whose highest value in life is to be well liked. The production will debut at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. this fall.

"We just saw a parallel between Mr. Bush and Mr. Loman that was both touching and tragic," said an unnamed NEA spokesman. "And Mr. Bush will be well-liked among artists and liberals as long as the cash keeps flowing."

(2004-01-29) -- White House political advisor Karl Rove will replace Joe Trippi as campaign manager for Howard Dean's formerly-frontrunning Democrat presidential campaign.

Mr. Rove will continue to serve as President George Bush's political strategist, even as he attempts to help Mr. Dean regain momentum after back-to-back losses in Iowa and New Hampshire.

"I have always believed in Howard Dean's candidacy," said Mr. Rove, "I think I stand with the majority of Republicans in saying that his nomination, more than anything else, is the key to guaranteeing that America is in good hands for the next four years."

"We're glad to have Karl Rove on board," said Mr. Dean. "His experience in polishing and funding a not-ready-for-primetime governor will be invaluable."

Asked what he would have done differently with Mr. Dean's campaign so far, Mr. Rove said, "If I had been stage managing his last speech in Iowa, when he let out that scream you would have seen a precisely-timed burst of red, white and blue pyrotechnics. And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air would give proof through the night that Howard Dean was still there."

(2004-01-28) -- United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan today slammed the Bush administration for its reliance upon a decade of intelligence gathered in Iraq by United Nations weapons inspectors.

Mr. Annan's critique came after David Kay, the outgoing chief of the Iraq Survey Group, told a Senate panel that U.S. intelligence agencies had become dependent upon the U.N. weapons inspectors and didn't develop their own sources. This resulted in faulty analysis of Saddam Hussein's remaining WMD stockpiles.

"Bush is naive," said Mr. Annan. "He's a lemming who blindly went along with the judgment of U.N. experts, the CIA and other international intelligence agencies, the U.N. Security Council and former President Clinton. What a moron! How did he ever think that the U.N. inspectors could get accurate information as long as Saddam was terrorizing his people?"

(2004-01-28) -- Responding to accusations that he has divided the nation, President George Bush today offered to allow Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry to rule "the second America."

"I'm not a selfish man," said Mr. Bush. "I'll be president of the people who think America is great, who defend freedom and work to defeat tyrants, who value traditional marriage and life, who believe God is both loving and righteous, who trust the 'invisible hand' of capitalism and who protect the Constitution. Mr. Kerry can be president for all the rest."

Under the terms of the plan, Mr. Kerry would be called 'President of America Deux' (America II), and would report to the Secretary-General of the United Nations.

(2004-01-28) -- If residents of New Hampshire had more high-speed cable and DSL Internet connections, Democrat presidential hopeful Howard Dean said he would have defeated Senator John F. Kerry, to whom he actually lost by 13 points.

"It's those dial-up Net Neanderthals that are killing us," said Mr. Dean after his second place finish. "People with 56k connections or worse don't spend their time hitting political web sites, joining the community on our weblog or donating money to candidates online. They check email, see what's hot on eBay and logoff."

As the campaign now moves south, Mr. Dean said he's increasingly concerned about the 'Net Neanderthal' phenomenon.

"I've heard that in South Carolina, the Internet is actually delivered by pickup trucks," Mr. Dean added. "When I'm president I'll create a federal agency to finance rural internet cooperatives to bring high-speed Web access to every American. I'll pay for it by withdrawing our troops from Iraq, increasing taxes on the rich and creating a single-payer universal health care system that will cover every American. That's what Jesus would do."

(2004-01-27) -- An 11th-hour surge in New Hampshire by Democrat presidential candidate Joe Lieberman might "stun" pollsters according to the latest Zogby tracking poll of political pollsters.

"If Lieberman were to go from a steady nine percent in the tracking polls, to 45 or 50 percent at the ballot box, that would just blow our minds," said pollster John Zogby. "That would be even more shocking to our profession than watching Kerry stretch his lead over Dean by 10 percent literally overnight."

Mr. Zogby said no evidence points to the Connecticut senator even getting into double digits.

"However," he added, "My polling colleagues think it would be great TV drama to see that 'Lieberman Landslide' graphic come swooshing in?"

Senator Lieberman said he's "feeling really good" about the latest poll results, "but even if I only get five percent, I believe that 'Joementum' will carry me to the White House...you know...in some capacity."

(2004-01-27) -- During a brief, private ceremony at the Vatican today, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney absolved Pope John Paul II for his opposition to the liberation of Iraq last year.

"I don't believe that the Pope was malicious in speaking against overthrowing Saddam Hussein," said Mr. Cheney. "And he now seems to see the value of removing the dictator."

Mr. Cheney said after the absolution, the Pontiff asked him about 'Hail Marys.'

"That's when I knew the Pope was a regular guy," said Mr. Cheney. "He wanted to talk football."

The Vatican denied rumors that the Pope's Swiss Guard would join Coalition troops in securing and rebuilding Iraq.

(2004-01-27) -- The Bush administration today announced the creation of a new cabinet-level government agency with a name that conveys the president's resolve to balance federal spending -- the Department of Deficit Obliteration.

With a proposed annual budget of $756 billion, the Department of Deficit Obliteration will study ways to eliminate the gap between federal revenues and expenditures without any real cuts in spending that might cause discomfort for potential voters.

"We were going to call it the Department of Deficit Reduction," said an unnamed senior administration official, "but we wanted to use a word that shows how serious the President is about eliminating this pernicious deficit."

A new Congressional Budget Office report predicts a $477 billion budget deficit next year, rolling up to more than $2 trillion over the next 10 years if current taxing and spending levels persist. And while the president's own 2005 budget proposal will project shrinking deficits, Mr. Bush reportedly felt the need to take radical action against what he calls "the other threat to our homeland security."

(2004-01-27) -- In the wake of a new study which shows that 25 percent of the nation's public schools fail to meet the standards of the No Child Left Behind law, the Bush administration today announced a tutoring program to help the low-performers.

"Essentially, the smart schools will tutor the stupid schools," said an unnamed senior official in the Department of Education (DOE). "With a little one-on-one attention, some of these slow and low performers may catch up with the rest."

Under the terms of the new $98 billion plan, under-performing schools will stay after school three days each week to receive remedial education from best-in-class schools.

"Some people say that there's no way a remote federal bureaucracy can force accountability on 91,400 schools in a bloated, unionized public education system," said the DOE spokesman. "But we're not giving up yet. As long as we have ideas to try and taxpayer dollars to spend, we'll keep the dream of federally-controlled education alive for all freedom-loving Americans."

(2004-01-26) -- On the eve of the New Hampshire presidential primary, Howard Dean's campaign manager said he doubts that a new email worm virus was part of Mr. Dean's grassroots Internet strategy.

"I'm not saying we've never thought of doing something like this," said campaign manager Joe Trippi. "With thousands of loosely-organized zealous kids out there working for Howard, I can never say never. But I would hope that none of our people would send out an email virus called MyDoom. I just don't think it sends the right message about his candidacy right now."

However, some in rival campaigns suggested that the timing was more than coincidential.

"Think about it," said a spokesman for an unnamed Democrat candidate. "It's the first big virus of the new year and it happens the night before the first primary. Dean is the first major Internet candidate. You don't have to be a former physician, or even a physician's husband to diagnose that."

(2004-01-26) -- Renee Zellweger, the Golden Globe-winning actress, widened her lead in New Hampshire by six points over former Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean, according to the latest CNN-NYT-NPR-ET Zogby tracking poll.

"If you had told me a year ago that I would be the best supporting actress and running second in New Hampshire, I would have been delighted," said Ms. Zellweger, whose compelling performance in the Civil War drama 'Cold Mountain' helped her bypass six out of seven Democrat presidential candidates. "It just shows you the importance of taking consistent, principled positions on the issues. It's not a horse race determined by momentary buzz or celebrity."

A spokesman for Zogby International acknowledged that Ms. Zellweger is not campaigning for the presidency.

"However, our media clients, who pay for the polling, thought it would increase voter interest in the New Hampshire primaries," the unnamed spokesman said. "Anything that makes voting more appealing is, ipso facto, good for Democracy."

Senator John F. Kerry, who still leads Ms. Zellweger by about three points in the polls, immediately attacked her military record.

"If I had been an actor in 'Cold Moutain'," said Mr. Kerry, "I would have pretended to fight for my country in the Civil War, instead of pretending to harbor deserters, like Ms. Zellwegger did."

Mr. Kerry, who has served as a Vietnam veteran for more than 30 years, refused to say which side of the war he would have pretended to be on.

(2004-01-24) -- In an effort to halt his slide in the polls, Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark today attempted to distance himself from remarks that Oscar-winning documentarist Michael Moore made last week while introducing Mr. Clark at a campaign appearance.

During the recent Democrat debate, Mr. Clark defended Mr. Moore's right to call the Commander-in-Chief a "deserter."

But today Mr. Clark said, "I thought Michael called the president a desserter -- you know, one who enjoys dessert after dinner. This, coming from Michael Moore, is a term of endearment. Like most people, there's nothing Michael likes better than dessert. I can assure you he meant no insult to the president. Michael is a patriot. He's as American as apple pie."

(2004-01-24) -- In another masterful bit of George Bush political stagecraft, news of Walter Mondale's endorsement of Democrat presidential hopeful John F. Kerry was overshadowed today by the announcement that former presidential candidate Tom Oyler would back Mr. Bush.

Mr. Oyler, whose 14th-place finish in New Hampshire's 2000 Republican primary shocked political pundits, said Mr. Bush "has proven that he's got the background, the experience, the knowledge and the strength to not only be a strong candidate for president but a strong president."

In 2000, Mr. Bush's second place finish (72,330 votes) in New Hampshire was eclipsed by Mr. Oyler's 14 votes, because the Oyler 2000 campaign exceeded expectations by "at least 12 votes."

"Four years ago," said Mr. Bush. "I was standing in Tom Oyler's shadow. He was the comeback kid and a worthy opponent. Today, I'm proud to call him my friend and to accept his endorsement."

Former vice president Mondale, best known for losing to Ronald Reagan in a landslide, last year made an unsuccessful bid to return to the Senate.

Mr. Kerry, although clearly stung by the Oyler upstaging, said he's proud to have "the big mo" (slang for momentum) that comes with Mr. Mondale's support.

"It's a lot better than George McGovern's pathetic endorsement of Wes Clark," Mr. Kerry said. "What a loser!"

(2004-01-24) -- Within hours after David Kay, the outgoing head of the Iraq Survey Group, told Reuters news agency that Saddam Hussein "got rid of" his WMD stockpiles before the March 2003 invasion, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld issued an apology and announced plans to return Mr. Hussein to his presidential palace.

"It's clear now that Saddam Hussein was in full compliance with all relevant U.N. Security Council resolutions," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "I accept the blame for the misguided ouster of Mr. Hussein. I should have known that Clinton-era CIA reports were wrong, especially because we still have President Clinton's CIA director on board. I misinterpreted Saddam Hussein's unwillingness to cooperate with United Nations weapons inspectors. I should have known that when someone appears to be hiding something, it means they don't have anything to hide. Even though the United Nations tried in vain for 12 years to get Mr. Hussein to disclose his banned weapons activities, and he failed to produce evidence of the destruction of previously acknowledged WMD stockpiles...despite that, I should have felt in my heart that Mr. Hussein had destroyed all his WMD."

Asked if President Bush shouldn't take the blame for these errors in judgment which led to an ill-advised invasion of Iraq, Mr. Rumsfeld patted his chest with his hand and said simply, "My bad."

"Other than WMD, there was no good reason to interrupt Mr. Hussein's 25-year benevolent reign, which by all accounts had stabilized the region and served as a beacon of peace and freedom for the Arab world," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "I have done a great disservice to the Iraqi people and the entire region. I'm sorry."

He also issued "a heartfelt apology" to France, Germany and other nations which "like Howard Dean, lead with their heart not their head and stood with integrity against ousting Mr. Hussein."

The secretary said Mr. Hussein would be returned to one of his presidential palaces as soon as U.S. troops complete the repairs and renovation.

(2004-01-23) -- The U.S. military announced today that it will fill Saddam Hussein's spider hole with reams of paper printed with 12 years of United Nations Security Council resolutions and transcripts from U.N. meetings on what to do about Mr. Hussein's regime.

Soldiers from the U.S. 4th Infantry Division pulled the former dictator from the grave-like pit near Tikrit, Iraq, on December 13, definitively ending Mr. Hussein's 25-year reign of terror.

"It's a symbolic location," said an unnamed spokesman for the 4th Infantry Division. "We wanted to recognize the contribution of the United Nations and find some practical use for all of those discussions and resolutions."

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan welcomed the action, saying, "The United Nations has always filled the void in geostrategic diplomacy left by empire-building unilateralists."

(2004-01-23) -- A flash poll taken after last night's Democrat presidential debate in New Hampshire shows the clear winner was 'unnamed Democrat.'

Previous polls have shown that while no named Democrat candidate could beat President George Bush, the 'unnamed Democrat' runs neck-and-neck with Mr. Bush in a head-to-head matchup.

"Unnamed Democrat clearly has the views, the name recognition and the personal popularity that the other seven candidates lack," said an unnamed pollster. "He or she behaves with presidential dignity, holds centrist positions, conveys a positive message and focuses on his or her well-conceived vision for America rather than the faults of the other candidates."

The unnamed Democrat could not be reached for comment, and was reportedly campaigning from an undisclosed location.

(2004-01-22) -- The American Mars Rover, which NASA said was out of touch with Earth for more than 24 hours, was discovered this afternoon on board the campaign bus of Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean.

NASA mission control today praised the team of scientists and engineers who located the errant Rover.

"We used the classic technique for finding something," said an unnamed NASA engineer. "We asked ourselves 'If I were the Mars Rover, accustomed to an alien atmosphere, out of touch with the people of Earth, where would I be?' And one of our engineers immediately phoned the Dean campaign."

NASA said it would try to get the Rover back on track, but that the mission may have been irreparably crippled by this shocking incident.

"One minute everything is going great, in focus, we think we have a winner," said the engineer. "The next thing you know, it just goes off. Bam! And we're way behind."

(2004-01-21) -- The latest Washington Post-ABC News overnight poll shows Howard Dean leading John F. Kerry in the race to be the underdog in the New Hampshire primary.

Pollsters asked a representative sample of registered Democrat voters in New Hampshire: "Who among the remaining seven candidates seems likely to come in second in the state's presidential primary?"

Slightly more than 38 percent said Howard Dean and 36 percent said John F. Kerry.

"This poll shows what we've claimed all along," said Mr. Dean. "If you had told me a year ago that I would get only 18 percent in Iowa, be slipping in the polls in New Hampshire, and have all the news channels repeatedly running a clip of me squealing like a stuck pig, I would have been delighted."

However, Senator Kerry refuted Mr. Dean's claim to underdog status.

"Even in the race for underdog, I'm running behind Howard," said Mr. Kerry. "That proves that I'm the quintessential underdog. I am a modern day Shoe Shine Boy. I am the 21st century SeaBiscuit."

Meanwhile, rivals Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich each issued statements claiming to be "the frontrunner, and presumptive nominee."

(2004-01-21) -- Ted Nugent, Ozzy Osbourne, David Lee Roth and dozens of other rock musicians have filed a class-action lawsuit against Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean, claiming the former Vermont governor violated union rules when he let out a bone-chilling scream during his Iowa caucus concession speech Monday night.

"Mr. Dean violated the work rules of the International Brotherhood of Vocal Metal Workers (IBVMW)," according to an unnamed attorney for the plaintiffs. "Delivering a blood-curdling scream from a stage, or on video, requires years of study, practice and official certification of the IBVMW. Mr. Dean's amateur outburst gives a bad name to the professionals who built their careers on this specialized skill. It may drive down the price people are willing to pay for our services, since it encourages non-union, uncertified public performance screeching."

The IBVMW has not yet endorsed a presidential candidate, and according to a union spokesman, "Mr. Dean's anti-union actions make it unlikely he'll be on our short list."

Mr. Dean could not be reached for comment, since he had checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic for victims of lozenge dependency.

NEWS ANALYSIS
(2004-01-21) -- While many journalists agree that President George Bush's State of the Union address was little more than a 54-minute display of political stagecraft to portray him as a steady Commander-in-Chief during an election year, few have noted the political significance of the dinner Mr. Bush enjoyed before the speech.

It was there over roast beef, green beans and tossed salad, that Mr. Bush demonstrated the depth of his political ambition and the influence of political advisor Karl Rove on every aspect of Mr. Bush's daily life.

Although only a handful of people joined Mr. and Mrs. Bush in their private White House dining room, according to an unnamed dinner guest, the President clearly viewed it as an opportunity to appear 'presidential' in the face of growing criticism of his administration from Democrat presidential contenders and members of Congress.

Before some of the guests had finished eating the salad, a waiter asked Laura Bush if the diners were ready for the main course. Mr. Rove allegedly whispered something to Mr. Bush, who then said somberly, "Now is not the time to change course."

As a Latina waitress served him a generous slab of beef, the president remarked to his guests that the nation's meat supply is "safer than ever, and further regulation would only harm the American farmer."

Mr. Bush, speaking in Spanish, thanked the waitress and later noted that the White House had a hard time finding an American willing to take the job. Eventually, they located the recently-naturalized Latina, whose parents had immigrated illegally in the 1970s.

"Her diligent toil serves our nation well," Mr. Bush said. "There are many like her parents, who would love to take low-paying jobs like this, but current law forbids it due to their illegal alien status. They would benefit, and so would we all, from my proposed temporary worker program."

The unnamed dinner guest noted that the President would often ask for condiments to be passed to him, but if they didn't arrive quickly, "he would unilaterally reach across the table and grab what he wanted."

"It is tempting to believe that the gravy or the salt will just arrive on its own," Mr. Bush reportedly said. "That hope is understandable, comforting -- and false."

During the dinner, several Republican pollsters, at the direction of Mr. Rove, periodically interviewed the dinner guests one-on-one.

As the guests left the White House, Mr. Rove presented them with poll results which showed that Mr. Bush was more popular during dessert than at any time since the initial mingling-and-hors d'oeuvres period.

He was also more popular during dessert than any previous president had been during the final course of any pre-State-of-the-Union meal during the past 30 years.

The following is the text of President George W. Bush's State of the Union address, delivered January 20, 2004, as recorded by The New York Times.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them.

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure.

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working.

Tonight, Members of Congress can take pride in the great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You're raising the standards of our public schools; and you're giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare.

We have faced serious challenges together - and now we face a choice. We can go forward with confidence and resolve - or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us. We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and Medicare - or we can turn back to old policies and old divisions.

We have not come all this way - through tragedy, and trial and war - only to falter and leave our work unfinished. Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same from us. In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong.

Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people. Twenty-eight months have passed since September the 11th, 2001 - over two years without an attack on American soil - and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting - and false. The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombassa, Jerusalem, Istanbul and Baghdad. The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world. And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated.

Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows Federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens - you need to renew the Patriot Act.

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September the11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. Last August the 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people. We're tracking Al Qaeda around the world - and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on the manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves - and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice.

As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger.

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of Al Qaeda killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women. Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. With the help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against surviving members of the Taliban and Al Qaeda. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud and fighting terror - and America is honored to be their friend.

Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein - and the people of Iraq are free. Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters. Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows.

These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we're making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every a week. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime.

The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right. And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right. Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man. Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. We're working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June. As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends - but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins. The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom.

Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future. And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi. Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation.

Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better. Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder. Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible - and no one can now doubt the word of America.

Different threats require different strategies. Along with nations in the region, we're insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program. America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons. America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes.

When I came to this rostrum on September the 20th, 2001, I brought the police shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end. I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies. And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many. You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace. Our closest allies have been unwavering. America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless.

And the men and women of the American military - they have taken the hardest duty. We've seen their skill and courage in armored charges, and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. I have had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific, to a mess hall in Baghdad. Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you. And my Administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.

I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all. They view terrorism more as a crime - a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted, and tried, and convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans. After the chaos and carnage of September the 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers. The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States - and war is what they got.

Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We're seeking all the facts - already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations. Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims - terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq - where hundreds of thousands of men, and women and children vanished into the sands - would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place.

Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq. As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices. From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.

We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. I believe that God has planted in every human heart the desire to live in freedom. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again.

As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny, and despair, and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends. So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of reform, confront the allies of terror, and expect a higher standard from our friends. To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian - and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region. I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East. And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world.

America is a nation with a mission - and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace - a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom.

In the last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war. And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.

You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to $1,000, reduced the marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.

Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years. New home construction: the highest in almost 20 years. Home ownership rates: the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Productivity is high. And jobs are on the rise.

These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have - and you were right to return it.

America's growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology transforms the way almost every job is done, America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills. Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health care and biotechnology. So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy.

All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country. We are providing more funding for our schools - a 36 percent increase since 2001. We're requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals. We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward excellence for every child in America.

But the status quo always has defenders. Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at the third-grade level - and that's not asking too much. Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind.

This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. I refuse to give up on any child - and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children.

At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain the skills they need to find work now. Many of the fastest-growing occupations require strong math and science preparation, and training beyond the high school level. So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century. This program will provide extra help to middle- and high school students who fall behind in reading and math, expand advanced placement programs in low-income schools, and invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools. I propose larger Pell grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school. I propose increasing our support for America's fine community colleges, I do so so they can train workers for the industries that are creating the most new jobs. By all these actions, we'll help more and more Americans to join in the growing prosperity of our country.

Job training is important, and so is job creation. We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda.

Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act, unless you act, unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What the Congress has given, the Congress should not take away: For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent.

Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits. Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run - so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy. My administration is promoting free and fair trade, to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and farmers, to create jobs for American workers. Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account. We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people.

And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayer dollars. In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent. This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years.

Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers, when no Americans can be found to fill the job. This reform will be good for our economy - because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system. A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland - allowing border patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security. I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration, and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life.

Our nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change. Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives. This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country.

Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort - and two months ago, you showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve.

Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs - and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional $600 to buy medicine. Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams.

In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half. Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best - just as you, as members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs. And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses, in a health savings account.

I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto.

On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance - I urge you to pass Association Health Plans. I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance. By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, and improve care. To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits. And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes.

A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world.

We are living in a time of great change - in our world, in our economy, in science and medicine. Yet some things endure - courage and compassion, reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race. The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families, and schools, and religious congregations. These institutions - these unseen pillars of civilization - must remain strong in America, and we will defend them.

We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible children. When it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do.

One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. Our government is helping parents confront this problem, with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement. Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001. In my budget, I have proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort. So tonight I propose an additional 23 millions for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives. The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we do not want to lose you.

To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message - that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now.

To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face - even when they're difficult to talk about. Each year, about three million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Decisions children now make can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. All of us - parents, schools, government - must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children.

A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as the union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.

The outcome of this debate is important - and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight.

It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country - mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a crescent on the wall. By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again.

In the past, we've worked together to bring mentors to the children of prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society. We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more likely to commit crime and return to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, 300 million dollar Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups. America is the land of second chance - and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life.

For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for, and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are. In grief, we have found the grace to go on. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have shown the noble aims and good heart of America. And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart.

I've been a witness to the character of the American people, who've shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, ``Dear George W. Bush.'' ``If there is anything you know, I Ashley Pearson age 10 can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country.'' She added this P.S.: ``If you can send a letter to the troops - please put, `Ashley Pearson believes in you.'''

Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school, listen to your mom or dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, ``Thank you.'' And, Ashley, while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free.

My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable - and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that his purposes are just and true.

May God continue to bless America.

(2004-01-20) -- A spokesman for the nation's leading labor organization said today that union workers' efforts on behalf of Democrat presidential contenders Dick Gephardt and Howard Dean were "good enough for government work."

Mr. Dean garnered 18 percent of Iowa's delegates, and Mr. Gephardt got 11 percent. Senator John F. Kerry won the contest with 38 percent.

"We know that Dean and Gephardt didn't get what they wanted," said an AFL-CIO spokesman, "but at least their third and fourth place finishes were made with union labor. Their supporters are well paid, not overworked, and not forced to do things they don't want to. Dean and Gephardt should feel good and patriotic about that."

Reports indicate that union workers may have refused to enter some caucus sites last night because the buildings were cleaned and maintained by non-union janitorial services.

"We would like to have helped our candidates at those sites," said the spokesman, "but those blasted non-union workers ruined it for everyone."

(2004-01-20) -- The latest Washington Post-ABC News poll shows President George Bush's domestic agenda losing 48-to-46 in a head-to-head matchup with an unnamed Democrat domestic plan.

"Bush is clearly vulnerable on domestic policy," said an unnamed pollster. "People love the non-specific Democrat plan, and they adore the idea of a candidate who could effectively run against Bush."

The survey also showed that 78 percent of Democrats rate Mr. Bush's upcoming State of the Union address as "not nearly as good as a speech that some really dynamic Democrat might give if he or she were president."

(2004-01-20) -- Less than a day after Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean motivated his followers with an aggressive screeching noise, President George Bush plans to use a similar tactic in tonight's State of the Union address, according to a senior administration official.

"Howard's non-syllabic verbal flourish put his opponents on notice and set a new standard for statesman-like oratory," said the unnamed official. "During the foreign policy segment of tonight's address, the President will cut loose with a Dean-like jurassic screech that will set your hair on end. I've heard him do it in rehearsal, and it will definitely tell the terrorists that America is a force to be reckoned with. Our Commander-in-Chief is one tough velociraptor."

Upon hearing the news, Mr. Dean said, "George Bush has to imitate me just to look presidential. What a phoney!"

(2004-01-20) -- The World Wide Web struggled to stay afloat this morning after a disastrous third-place finish in Iowa by Democrat Howard Dean's internet-driven presidential campaign.

So-called 'weblogs' (or 'blogs') were hardest hit, since Mr. Dean's own Blog For America generated huge traffic numbers, but failed to propel him to victory in Iowa.

"Once again, the Internet has proved to be a cash-sucking leech with no socially-redeeming value," said Dean campaign manager Joe Trippi. "Some people may see this as Howard's failure, but he did everything he could. He blogged for more than 33,000 visitors per day. He accepted small donations through the Web. Clearly, the Internet must accept responsibility for Dean's poor showing."

Experts say bloggers could be devastated by Dean's Internet flop.

"It's a black eye for all of us in the so-called blogosphere," said Glenn Reynolds whose InstaPundit blog draws about 90,000 visitors per day. "If the blogosphere implodes, I don't know what I'll do with my spare time."

(2004-01-19) -- With the characteristic charm that earned him the love and respect of roughly 18 percent of Iowa Democrats, presidential candidate Howard Dean bid the state farewell as he stepped onto his private jet tonight.

"Shut up, you gun-toting, God-fearing homophobes," Mr. Dean said to a cheering crowd of Iowa Democrats. "Your caucus is a meaningless exercise dominated by extremist special interests just like I said on Canadian TV years ago."

Mr. Dean's aides said their candidate plans to "ride the wave" of his third-place Iowa finish on to "a decent showing" in New Hampshire.

"We're just so relieved to be out from under the burden of that 'frontrunner' label," said an unnamed Dean aide.

(2004-01-19) -- Democrat presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich made a deal to send his Iowa caucus supporters to rival Senator John Edwards, D-NC, and to send Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb to the Carolina Panthers.

The backroom deal was designed to ensure that Mr. Edwards gets more support in precincts where Mr. Kucinich is not a viable candidate, and that Mr. McNabb gets to play on a Super Bowl team.

Mr. McNabb's team just lost its third consecutive NFC championship game, when the Eagles fell to the Panthers Sunday.

"It's a win-win-win deal for everyone," said an unnamed Kucinich aide. "The way I look at it, Dennis had as much chance of getting the Democrat nomination as McNabb did of leading the Eagles to the Super Bowl."

Asked how he got the rights to deal Mr. McNabb to Carolina, Mr. Kucinich simply said, "I'm a bargain hunter."

(2004-01-19) -- To attract more participants, the Democrat National Committee has provided Iowa precinct leaders with 'Twister' technology designed to make the caucuses "fun and even more accurate."

Until this year, Iowa caucus participants at hundreds of gathering places would talk for hours, then stand in designated corners to show their support for each of the candidates. If a candidate failed to get at least 15 percent of those in attendance, his supporters would then re-assemble in other corners to back the more popular candidates, or declare themselves undecided. After the re-shuffling, Democrat convention delegates were assigned to candidates with the most supporters in their corners.

This year, each precinct will use a Twister game to narrow down the number of candidates.

"It's more entertaining than sitting around for hours talking about George Bush," said an unnamed caucus organizer, "It's more accurate and just as meaningful as what we've been doing for years. Plus, on a cold Iowa night, Twister will really warm us all up and make us feel like we're actually doing something."

(2004-01-18) -- A Democrat in California's state assembly said she has 24 co-sponsors for a bill she described as "fresh, outside the box thinking" to deal with that state's $15 billion budget deficit.

"The basic idea is pretty radical for Democrats," said Assemblywoman Wilma Chan, "The bill calls for raising taxes on high-income earners to pay for some of the state's overspending."

Ms. Chan said it was a "long slog" convincing her fellow Democrats to boost the personal income tax rate by 7.5 to 18 percent on top earners.

"A lot of my fellow Democrats just stared at me in confusion," she said. "At first they didn't understand what I was saying. I had to explain that the state can increase the tax rate, which would bring more money into the government and reduce the need for uncomfortable spending cuts."

A spokesman for the Democrat National Committee (DNC) said legislators across the nation would "keep a watchful eye on California to see how the radical tax-hiking strategy works."

"California has always been on the cutting edge," said the unnamed DNC spokesman. "But this technique goes into uncharted waters for us, and we're quite cautious about anything that takes more money from taxpayers, rather than reducing government expenditures."

(2004-01-18) -- A top-secret NASA homeland security project will use airline passenger records to spam and telemarket potential terrorists.

Word of the project leaked out after Northwest Airlines acknowledged it had given millions of passenger records to NASA after September 11, 2001.

"We're going to keep the terror cells tied up by clogging their inboxes and ringing their phones day and night," said an unnamed NASA spokesman. "They won't have time to plot death and destruction, because they'll be dealing with offers for herbal remedies, weight-loss and hair-loss products, credit cards and lots of telephone requests to support local police and fire-fighting departments."

Northwest Airlines, which initially denied providing passenger records to NASA, now claims it carefully protects passenger privacy.

"We want our customers to feel comfortable flying Northwest," said an unnamed airline spokesman. "And we can assure them their personal information is safe with us, unless they have some kind of weird, foreign-sounding name. But that's very rare."

(2004-01-17) -- An Iowa man and his wife, who plan to participate in Monday's Democrat caucuses, said today they're "absolutely on fire for John F. Kerry."

"He stirs our zeal and fills us with a vision for a better America," said the unnamed man, as his wife nodded enthusiastically. "We haven't seen the likes of Kerry's charisma from a presidential candidate in a generation or more. We're really stoked. Attending his campaign events is like seeing the Beatles in concert."

While they couldn't nail down exactly what "electrifies" them about Mr. Kerry, they agreed that his stage presence "never fails to captivate us."

"He holds the audience in the palm of his hand," said the man. "We're energized by his ideas and simply blown away by his dynamic oratory."

The middle-aged couple said they were hoping to get Mr. Kerry's autograph "while he's still on the way up, before he becomes bigger than the Beatles."

(2004-01-17) -- In his second angry outburst during his Iowa campaign, Democrat presidential contender Howard Dean told an errant flapjack to "sit down on the griddle and stay there."

Mr. Dean had been flipping the pancake when it missed his spatula, and landed with a dull slap on his bare forearm. With several dozen TV cameras whirring, Mr. Dean became visibly agitated, and raised his voice as he admonished the flapjack.

His Democrat opponents immediately seized upon the outburst as evidence that Mr. Dean may be "unfit" for the presidency.

"Imagine if he had been flipping that flapjack at the U.N. or a W.T.O. conference," said an unnamed aide of an unnamed candidate. "I don't think Iowans want to take the risk of having Howard Dean's hand on the spatula of power."

(2004-01-17) -- Senator John F. Kerry's Iowa presidential campaign headquarters was rocked today by the Drudge Report's revelation of a second anti-farm remark attributed to the candidate.

According to Matt Drudge, Mr. Kerry privately told a told a group of supporters last week that he was "tired of all the dirt during the campaign in Iowa."

Rival Howard Dean was quick to respond: "First we learn that Kerry wanted to abolish the Department of Agriculture, now he's denigrating the very dirt upon which Iowa farmers rely for their sustenance."

Mr. Kerry's 1996 remarks about cutting the size of the Department of Agriculture sparked a firestorm of controversy since the Senator is a known Democrat.

"Reducing the number of federal government employees who oversee agriculture would surely lead to a free-market takeover of farming in America," said Mr. Dean. "Who would farmers turn to if there was no government agent to tell them what to grow, or to pay them for not growing certain crops? We would probably have to buy our wheat from the Soviet Union."

(2004-01-16) -- Campaign aides to Democrat presidential contender Wesley Clark say the former general remains open to a potential invitation from George Bush to become his running mate in 2004.

"Dick Cheney is getting long in the tooth," said an unnamed Clark aide, "And Wes Clark has a well-documented reputation for supporting the president, especially his decision to go to war against Saddam Hussein. We're not pushing for a Bush-Clark '04 ticket, but we're not ruling it out."

Supporters say that Mr. Clark's intermittent anti-war statements could help rally some liberals to the Bush-Clark ticket.

"With Wes, you get the best of both worlds," said the aide. "He has the years of military experience that Bush lacks, along with a willingness to compromise on key issues in order to appeal to voters who share his current political party affiliation. Our internal Bush VP preference polling shows Clark running a close second to [National Security Advisor] Condi Rice."

(2004-01-15) -- Former Senator and Ambassador Carol Moseley-Braun will abandon her White House bid so she can help Howard Dean find qualified African-Americans for his presidential cabinet, according to an unnamed party official.

"I know that I can't win this race," said Ms. Braun. "And I also know that in 12 years as governor of Vermont, Howard, despite valiant efforts, was unable to find any qualified black candidates for his cabinet. I know some people, and thought I could better serve the party by lining them up to interview with future-President Dean."

Mr. Dean could not immediately be reached for comment, since he was giving a lecture to educate a group of white people about race.

(2004-01-14) -- Under a soon-to-be announced Bush administration proposal, the federal government will offer free prescriptions for healthy marriage. It's part of an election-year effort to strengthen the institution of marriage.

Rather than remove regulations that currently make it more profitable for a low-income woman on government assistance to remain single, the administration will fund an effort in what has traditionally been the domain of churches.

"Our focus group studies show that when people think of harmonious relationships and intimate caring, they immediately think of the federal government," said an unnamed spokesman for the Department of Health and Human Services. "We're going to combine the instructional efficiency of the Department of Education with the problem-solving expertise of Congress, to heal wounded relationships and to prevent little problems from becoming big."

Homosexual advocacy groups immediately embraced the proposal because it will also provide relationship help for same sex couples, according to one unnamed ACLU attorney.

"As soon as the soon-to-be-announced discrimination lawsuit reaches the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals," he said, "gay and straight couples will sit side-by-side in government-funded classrooms, learning what marriage really means. In fact, those courses will soon have quotas requiring a certain percentage of 'minority lifestyles' to be included in each session."

(2004-01-13) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today said he forgives his rivals for their verbal attacks which have made him a human "pincushion" and he refuses to strike back because of his deep Christian faith.

"How can I retaliate against my opponents?" Mr. Dean asked rhetorically. "They're just men and women like me, simple sinners, who are doing the best they can. Before I could complain about the speck in Dick Gephardt's eye, I'd have to remove the log from my own."

Mr. Dean said he will continue to "turn the other cheek" when his rivals verbally "smite" him, because he's running for president "to serve the American people not to feed my own ego or reputation."

"I would rather lose the election -- yea, verily my own life -- before I would lash out in anger against one who had offended me," he said. "I will forgive them as often as they transgress. That's what Jesus did for me, and it's only right that I do the same for them. After all, you wouldn't want a president who lashed out at everyone who spoke ill of him. It takes a certain even-tempered demeanor, graciousness and humility to carry the presidential burden of responsibility."

(2004-01-12) -- In another humble effort to avoid the political spotlight during a presidential election year, Senator Hillary Clinton today introduced legislation to create a government-controlled national database of patient health records.

"Mrs. Clinton is just quietly going about the business of the Senate," said an unnamed top aide. "This is just a run-of-the-mill Senate bill which is not expected to spark the kind of debate and media buzz that would place all eyes on Senator Clinton just a week before the Iowa caucuses. Mrs. Clinton hopes Democrat voters pay attention to the eight or nine people who seem to be seeking the party nomination, and try to find out whatever it is they say they stand for. She will, of course, campaign on behalf of the party's nominee."

In related news, DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe has dispatched emergency medical technicians who will travel with each Democrat candidate and administer oxygen in case it's suddenly sucked out of the room.

(2004-01-12) -- The Transportation Security Administration's (TSA) new enhanced program to screen all airline passengers will expand later this year so that no one may enter a train, stadium, school, shopping mall or bank in the United States without undergoing a thorough background check, a metal-detector scan and possibly a body search.

Starting next month, the TSA's Computer Assisted Passenger PreScreening Program (CAPPS 2) will compare airline passenger lists with computer databases, then classify each passenger with a color code (red, yellow, green) representing the individual's potential threat to the flight.

"This is a great advance in American liberty," said an unnamed spokesman for the TSA. "Thanks to this technology, you'll soon feel safe wherever you are because you'll know that everyone around you has been thoroughly vetted by our federal government."

Eventually, the system will interact with the computer chips in personal vehicles, screening each driver and passenger before allowing access to cars, trucks and Segway Human Transporters.

"When we get all the circuits humming," the official added, "each person will wear a color-coded threat-level badge everytime he or she leaves home. Through GPS technology, the badge will be updated in real time. It's the government's job to protect each citizen from all threats. And the biggest threat to people is other people. When you know which people are ThreatCon Yellow or Red, you can make wiser choices."

(2004-01-11) -- Veteran Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre tonight accused radio talkshow host Rush Limbaugh of bias after the Packer's 20-17 overtime loss to Donovan McNabb's Philadelphia Eagles.

Mr. McNabb got off to the worst start of his career this season, and was the NFL's lowest-rated starting quarterback. But the Eagles' fortunes seemed to change in October after Mr. Limbaugh's televised remark that Mr. McNabb wasn't "that good" but that "the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well."

"Rush could have said 'the media has been very desirous that an old quarterback do well'," said Mr. Favre, who is seven years older than Mr. McNabb. "I'm sure I would have risen to the challenge just like Donovan did. But no! Rush showed his bias when he chose to rile a black man instead of an old man. Where's the outrage about Rush's blatant age discrimination? Why couldn't Limbaugh taunt me?"

Against the Packers, Mr. McNabb rushed for 107 yards, a playoff record for a quarterback, and passed for 248 yards and two touchdowns.

(2004-01-11) -- Iraqi Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani said he was inspired by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today when he issued a statement rejecting caucus-style elections for an interim assembly in favor of direct elections.

Last week, previously-recorded remarks from Mr. Dean criticized the Iowa caucuses which he claimed were dominated by extremist special interests.

"Mr. Dean and I see eye-to-eye," said Mr. al-Sistani. "If you look at the caucuses system, they are dominated by the special interests...They represent the extremes."

Mr. al-Sistani called for a return to "the direct elections which always generated 100 percent voter turnout over the past 25 years."

(2004-01-11) -- White House psychologists announced today that President George Bush may be an autistic savant, a condition which combines developmental disability with extraordinary mental abilities often involving memory skills.

The revelation comes after a week in which Mr. Bush's former treasury secretary said that at cabinet meetings the president resembled a blind man in room full of deaf people, and a New York Times report today that Mr. Bush actually serves as the mastermind behind his phenomenally well-run re-election campaign.

"He shows the classic social aloofness and developmental delays of autism with his staff," said an unnamed White House psychologist. "However, he has memorized the names of thousands of obscure campaign workers nationwide, as well as exact state-by-state polling results and fundraising figures."

The announcement confirms what Democrat critics have said of Mr. Bush for several years -- that he lacks the mental acumen to serve as the nation's chief executive, yet is so politically shrewd that his every move and word serve his carefully-crafted political ambitions."

(2004-01-11) -- From the earliest days of the Bush administration, the president made it clear that he intended to "ruin" Bill Clinton's increasingly successful diplomatic effort to overthrow Saddam Hussein, according to former treasury secretary Paul O'Neill.

"Regime change in Iraq was the official policy of the Clinton administration since 1998, but Bush foolishly rejected Clinton's ingenious strategy," Mr. O'Neill told Ron Suskind, author of the new book The Price of Loyalty. "President Clinton's diplomatic effort to appear cowardly, indecisive and careless about the plight of 25 million Iraqis was on the brink of bearing fruit. We had suckered Saddam into thinking America was weak. If Clinton had been re-elected to a third term, he would have shocked and awed Saddam by launching a decisive verbal attack in the U.N. Security Council. The statue would have fallen in Baghdad from the sheer force of Clinton's intellect."

Mr. O'Neill said former President Clinton didn't use a faster method to implement regime change in Iraq because, "he just didn't care that much about oil. He was not obsessed with oil the way some people are."

(2004-01-10) -- Former General Wesley Clark said today that when he is president he will protect America from all terror attacks, and will also "read her bedtime stories."

Yesterday, Mr. Clark told the Concord Monitor, "...if I'm president of the United States, I'm going to take care of the American people. We are not going to have one of these [terror] incidents."

"America is scared," said Mr. Clark. "She's a 'fraidy-cat. So, I will snuggle America in my massive arms and guard her from the bad guys. And I will hug her, and sing to her and read Madonna's book The English Roses to America at bedtime each night."

(2004-01-10) -- The status of Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq, has been upgraded to Prisoner of War (P.O.W) from Captive Obnoxious Wookie (C.O.W.), according to an unnamed Pentagon spokesman.

Many on the so-called "Arab street" had complained about Mr. Hussein's treatment as a C.O.W., when video showed a U.S. military physician shining a penlight in his mouth and picking lice from his abundant hair.

His P.O.W. status will grant him certain rights under the Geneva Conventions, including visits from Red Cross officials and up to 1,000 hours of America Online (AOL) Service free.

(2004-01-09) -- U.S. President George Bush will announce next week a visionary plan to court Latino voters by putting his conservative base on the moon.

"Many of his core supporters think the president has strayed from his conservative ideals," said an unnamed senior administration official, "When the base is on the moon, Latinos will feel more comfortable in America since the remaining Republicans will favor lax immigration laws, liberal social services policies and perhaps even Sabado Gigante on basic cable."

The president's plan envisions using the moon as a launching pad for missions to Mars.

"We're going to transplant the heart of the red states to the surface of the red planet," said the official. "Absentee ballots will be emailed to the base on the moon and later Mars."

(2004-01-09) -- Consumer confidence in the predictions of economists plunged to a 25-year low this week after another economic indicator failed to match economists' expectations.

Reports that only 1,000 new jobs were created last month instead of the 100,000 that had been projected sent the Index of Faith in Economists (IFE) to its lowest level since the Carter administration. The fourth quarter of 2003 brought a steady stream of inaccurate predictions by unnamed economists, who typically underestimated the magnitude of the recovery.

"This latest wrong guess at least demonstrates that economists are not politically biased," said a spokesman for the American Society of Oft-Quoted Unnamed Economists (ASOQUE). "We're just plain wrong most of the time. But it's fun for us to see investors making huge financial decisions based on our predictions, and politicians hacking at each other based on whether an indicator met expectations."

(2004-01-09) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today announced that "the Lord" told him last night the same thing He told Pat Robertson last week -- that George Bush would win re-election in a "blowout".

"Imagine my surprise," said Mr. Dean. "The last time the Lord told me anything, he said that homosexual unions should be legal because if homosexual behavior was a sin, God wouldn't have created gay people. Then last night, I was praying after reading Job in the New Testament, and the Lord told me that my campaign would not have a happy ending like the one that was tacked onto Job years after it was written."

"Apparently, from a religious point of view," Mr. Dean said, "if God had thought the Democrats should win, he would not have created George Bush."

(2004-01-08) -- A personal phone call from Al Gore inspired Elecia Battle to come clean and drop her claim to the $162 million Mega Million jackpot which she previously claimed to have won.

"Mr. Gore called and just told me I should give it up," Mrs. Battle said. "Even though I deserved the $162 million, and in my mind I had really won it, he said 'sometimes life's not fair'. He really spoke from the heart. He felt my pain."

Mr. Gore, an itinerant college professor, said, "My heart ached with empathy when I saw Mrs. Battle's futile effort to get something that never really belonged to her."

"I don't know why I identified with her struggle," said Mr. Gore. "I'm just a sensitive person."

(2004-01-08) -- U.S. President George Bush today proposed to "fully enfranchise" illegal aliens working in the United States by allowing them to vote even though they're not citizens. Critics immediately denounced the move as a political ploy to lock up the Latino vote.

However, Mr. Bush said it's just the next logical step following his proposal yesterday to grant working rights to people who came into the country illegally.

"Éste no es ningún truco politico (This is not a political trick.)," said Mr. Bush during a casual walk through a Latino neighborhood in a Texas border town. "No estoy haciendo esto apenas para conseguir los votos de Latino. (I'm not doing this just to get Latino votes.)"

An unnamed senior administration official said that voting rights are important for illegal aliens since they have to pay sales tax and "America was created to combat the idea of taxation without representation."

The official also said Mr. Bush is considering naming an illegal alien to head the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) during what Mr. Bush calls "mi segundo término de la oficina" (my second term).

(2004-01-07) -- A new bill introduced by Congressional Democrats would increase funding for public schools to help fight the effects of the so-called 'S factor', a recently-discovered phenomenon which results in President George Bush's high popularity ratings despite his well-known miserable failures at home and abroad.

The bill would create a program called 'No Child Be Left Right' which would, according to sponsors, "ensure that young Americans are smart enough to avoid the hazards of conservative ideology which have led so many to tragically support Mr. Bush."

Despite more than 40 years of Democrat education policy and instruction by the liberal union members, the majority of Americans still "cannot understand the phenomenon of cause and effect", according to Neal Starkman, whose research on the 'S factor' was published in a recent issue of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

"They're perplexed by issues comprising more than two sides," Mr. Starkman wrote of S factor sufferers. "They don't have the wherewithal to expand the sources of their information. And above all -- far above all -- they don't think."

(2004-01-07) -- President George Bush's new proposal to grant working privileges to illegal aliens in the United States will stem the loss of U.S. jobs to cheap manufacturers in other countries.

"This new policy brings 'offshore' home," said an unnamed senior administration official. "Offshore now means California, Texas and many other states where manufacturers will legally compete with wage levels in China, Mexico and elsewhere. Why send all that work away to be done by paupers, prisoners and slaves elsewhere when we have millions of undocumented workers who will gladly do it here?"

"The previous policy forced illegal aliens and their U.S. employers to be liars and cheats," said the official. "The new Bush policy restores dignity to victims of America's immigration laws. And Americans will rejoice to see that beloved label again on clothing and electronics -- 'Hecho en los Estados Unidos'."

(2004-01-07) -- Because his wife will be busy with her medical practice, President Howard Dean would appoint a surrogate First Lady to perform ceremonial and hospitality duties which America and the world have come to expect from the president's wife.

It's all part of Mr. Dean's determination that his wife not be used as "a prop" in his political life.

"Dr. Judy Steinberg is my wife, but she has her own life," said Mr. Dean, "I can't turn her into some kind of pretty-in-pink, cookie baking, rah-rah, stand-by-your man showpiece like Bill Clinton did to his wife. That said, I don't want to rule out Mrs. Clinton as a potential surrogate First Lady. Given her experience, we would have to take a serious look at her application."

Dr. Steinberg plans to move her private medical practice to Washington D.C. if her husband wins the White House. A Secret Service spokesman said protecting Dr. Steinberg should be relatively easy, since it's hard to hide weapons under a the typical patient gown.

(2004-01-07) -- Senator Hillary Clinton's joke that Mahatma Gandhi "ran a gas station down in St. Louis" was meant to allude to Mr. Gandhi's great contributions to American commerce and political activism.

"The Senator was paying homage to Gandhi's influence on his countrymen who emigrated to the United States," said an unnamed aide to the senator. "Mrs. Clinton never buys a Slurpee, a lottery ticket or a gallon of gas without thinking of the influence that Mahatma Gandhi's teachings continue to exert. She admires how so many gas station attendants still follow Gandhi's doctrine of passive resistance by refusing to rush to the full-serve island or to do anything other than simply fill the tank, take money and make change."

"Without a speaking a word of English," the aide said, "these proud immigrants make a clear statement against Dick Cheney's destruction of our environment through backroom deals with oil industry cronies. Their example has inspired passive resistance among gas station workers of all ethnicities across our great land."

(2004-01-06) -- The legal team defending lifestyle doyenne Martha Stewart against insider-trading charges today filed a 'change of veneer' motion on her behalf in U.S. District Court in New York.

"We don't need a change of venue or venire," said one unnamed attorney, "But Martha believes the paneling in that courtroom is atrocious. Unless we get our change of veneer the effect on her case could be substantial and prejudicial."

As jury selection began today, three potential jurors were cut from the pool immediately by Ms. Stewart's attorneys because they had "extraordinarily bad taste and fashion sensibility."

"We feel our client could not receive a fair trial from people who don't know how to properly match colors and accessorize," said the unnamed lawyer.

In related news, U.S. District Court Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum blocked a move by Ms. Stewart to "prepare a nice warm apple-cranberry cobbler for the court."

(2004-01-06) -- With the dual threats of terror attacks and 'mad cow' disease dominating the headlines, the U.S. Department of Barnland Security yesterday implemented heightened border security measures, including hoofprinting and photographing of all cows entering the country from Canada.

On the first day of the intensified process, some cows seemed reluctant to place their hooves on the computer screen and to stand for the photo, but Barnland Security officials said the new measures add only about 20 seconds to the normal border-crossing process.

Canadian bovine-rights advocates protested what they called "xenophobic species-profiling."

"Non-threatening holsteins are treated like criminals just because they're cows and they're Canadian," said an unnamed spokesman for the Bovine Civil Liberties Union (BCLU). "All they want is to be allowed to graze in peace and contribute to the U.S. economy as best they can."

(2004-01-05) -- Former U.S. Senator Bill Bradley plans to endorse Howard Dean's White House bid tomorrow morning in a seven-hour oral defense of his 734-page dissertation: "Postmodern Metrosexual Extemporaneous Rage in Grassroots Digitally-Mediated Political Activism: The Presidential Candidacy of Howard Dean"

The affable, intellectual Mr. Bradley, a former professional basketball player, lost the Democrat nomination in 2000 to Al Gore then endorsed Mr. Gore who went on to lose the election to George W. Bush. (Mr. Gore eventually became an oft-quoted itinerant professor who makes widely-reported major policy addresses.)

A spokesman for Mr. Bradley said he will "pull an all-nighter trying to boil down his endorsement presentation into several hundred pages of talking points."

(2004-01-05) -- Las Vegas oddsmakers have revised the line on Pete Rose getting admitted to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame in the wake of his admission that he gambled on baseball during his stint as a team manager.

"It's about even odds now," said an unnamed Vegas bookie. "As a 14-year unrepentant liar, he was 100-to-1, but as an slightly-repentant honest guy, whose book comes out in three days and whose last shot at the Hall of Fame is December 2005, it's a coin toss."

Former MLB Commissioner Fay Vincent said Mr. Rose once told him that he did not bet on baseball because, Mr. Rose claimed he was "not that stupid."

(2004-01-05) -- A federal judge today declared a New Hampshire law unconstitutional which requires parental permission before a minor can drive an automobile. Last week the same judge struck down a parental notification provision in the state's abortion law.

U.S. District Judge Joseph DiClerico said the driver's license law is unconstitutional because it lacks an exception to protect the minor's health.

Judge DiClerico's ruling included the following example: "If an unlicensed 16-year-old girl, home alone, needed to drive somewhere to get an emergency abortion to protect her health, she would have to violate state law to do so since she didn't have her parent's permission to operate the motor vehicle."

"This is unqualified good news," said a spokesman for the National Driver's Rights Action League Pro-Choice America (NDRAL), "Teens across the Granite State have been further freed from the oppressive rule of their narrow-minded parents."

(2004-01-05) -- Pop singer Britney Spears is reportedly "humiliated" by news that she married a man this weekend whom she had know since childhood.

The "shameful" nuptials followed a triumphant year for Miss Spears, highlighted by her open-mouth kiss on live TV with fellow singer Madonna -- an act which has sparked imitation among teen girls nationwide.

"O, how far Britney has fallen since the MTV music awards," said her publicist. "We hope her fans realize that this marriage was a youthful indiscretion and won't hold it against her, or boycott her music. She would never intentionally do anything to sully the image which has earned her the admiration of teens and parents alike."

(2004-01-05) -- The NASA Mars Rover has provided more evidence to support the theory that intelligent life exists in our solar system, probably on the so-called 'blue planet'.

"That rover journeyed millions of miles from Earth to Mars and it now sits on the Martian surface and sends pictures back to Earth," said an unnamed NASA spokesman. "From this evidence, we can surmise that an advanced race of bi-pedal hominids lives on the surface of Earth. They appear capable of using tools and language, and of high-level thinking about the past, the future and about thought itself. If I weren't committed to naturalistic science, I would call it nearly miraculous."

However, some in the scientific community still challenge the theory, noting that NASA is spending $800 million to look for water on Mars when Earth has 328,000,000 cubic miles of the fluid -- enough to cover all the dry land on the planet to a depth of 5.7 miles.

(2004-01-04) -- Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean today blamed President George Bush for what he called "the Job-less New Testament."

The criticism follows Mr. Dean's admission this week that his favorite book in the New Testament was Job. An hour later he told reporters that he had misspoken since Job is part of the Old Testament. But today he displayed his characteristic combativeness in claiming that "the Job-less New Testament is Bush's fault just like the jobless economic recovery."

"The Bush administration would like us all to focus on the Good News," said Mr. Dean, "But if you don't have a Job, it's harder to enjoy New Testament. Many scholars suggest that Bush policies are to blame for the Job loss."

(2004-01-04) -- Howard Dean, the Democrat presidential frontrunner, told an African-American congregation at a prayer breakfast this morning that his favorite New Testament book is not Job, as he had stated earlier this week.

"I misspoke on that one," said Mr. Dean. "We all know that Job is in the Old Testament. What I meant to say was that my favorite New Testament book is the Bhagavad-Gita. In fact, this morning I was handed a copy of it in the airport by a fine young Christian wearing a saffron robe."

"If you know much about the Bible -- which I do," said Mr. Dean, "you can't helped but be stirred by the dialogue between the Lord Krishna and the great soldier Arjuna."

Earlier this week, Mr. Dean cited Job as his favorite New Testament book, because "it's such an allegory", although he acknowledged he doesn't "like the way it ends" and said that the Biblical text had been altered to produce a happy conclusion.

After his remarks about the Bhagavad-Gita, his press secretary said that Mr. Dean was not trying to imply that he had a "theologian's knowledge" of the Bible.

The former Vermont governor frequently notes that he doesn't like to wear his religion on his sleeve, "largely because my sleeves are usually rolled up and you wouldn't be able to see it."

However, during campaign trips to the South, where Christian faith often plays a vital role in daily life, Mr. Dean has tried to be more open about his deep personal faith and Biblical knowledge.

(2004-01-03) -- Just days after crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, shocked fans by dangling his infant son near the jaws of a hungry crocodile, reports from the White House indicate President George Bush may attempt a similar stunt with his proposed 2005 federal budget.

"Bush thinks he can keep feeding the crocodile with one hand, while protecting what Republicans hold dear with the other," said an unnamed economist at the conservative Heritage Foundation. "The new budget won't contain any real reductions to the feeding of insatiable entitlement programs, but the President seems oblivious to the danger of losing the core Republican principle of smaller government."

So far, experts agree, the President has retained conservative support through the projection of strength and boldness in foreign affairs.

"People love watching him struggle with, and capture, dangerous animals," said the Heritage source, "But if you keep feeding a crocodile, you own it and you'll get blamed for whatever it does. Keeping the crock at arms length doesn't always protect the baby."

(2004-01-02) -- The National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) today called on a Phoenix, Arizona, judge to suspend the sentence of an abortion doctor who sexually assaulted his patients.

A jury today sentenced Dr. Brian Finkel to 34-3/4 years in prison after convicting him last month of 22 counts of sexual assault on his abortion clinic customers.

"This is cruel and unusual punishment," said NARAL President Kate Michelman. "Rather than confine this man behind bars with a bunch of brutal murderers where he cannot use his prodigious gifts and talents, Dr. Finkel should be returned to his practice to continue his service to the community."

In two decades of service, Dr. Finkel performed some 30,000 abortions. His crimes consisted of kissing and fondling his abortion patients against their will.

"We cannot condone the disgusting things Dr. Finkel did to women who trusted him," said Ms. Michelman, "However, we must consider the greater good of the community. If he is returned to his professional work, then ultimately it will reduce the number of women who might be victims of sexual assault by reducing the actual births of boys and girls who grow up to be sexual assailants and victims."

NARAL-funded studies show that unwanted fetuses, whose mothers fail to choose abortion, are more likely to become involved in sexual crimes as adults.

"If Dr. Finkel is able to prevent just one sexual assault by aborting the potential assailant or the victim," she said. "It will, in a sense, atone for his crimes against women."

(2003-01-02) -- Howard Dean today announced that one of his first acts as president will be to create what he called the "United Blanco College Fund."

The $4 billion fund would provide scholarships to "progressive" universities for promising students who don't yet understand racial issues.

Mr. Dean's announcement followed his remarks to a reporter in South Carolina that, "Dealing with race is about educating white folks."

"The United Blanco College Fund demonstrates my commitment to educating the people whose ignorance results in most racial problems," said Mr. Dean. "We shouldn't disparage these people, who simply suffer from a lack of education. It's clear that 12 years under the tutelage of the National Education Association is insufficient to fully educate white folks. Whether because of genetic factors or poor upbringing, these white folks need our help. After all, a white mind is a terrible thing to waste too."

(2004-01-02) -- The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) computer yesterday announced that it had "changed its mind" and would declare the University of Southern California Trojans champions of NCAA Division I-A football. The computer also said it would resign effective January 5, "to pursue other interests."

In a news release emailed to sports reporters across the nation, the computer wrote, "I monitored the USC v. Michigan Rose Bowl game yesterday. What a shellacking! USC's big-D sacked the Wolverines' QB nine times. The 28-14 final score doesn't show how lopsided the victory really was. USC rocks! No matter who wins the Sugar Bowl on Sunday, my personal pick is Southern Cal."

USC finished the season ranked first by coaches and sportswriters, but the computer had previously indicated that the Trojans were third, behind Oklahoma and Louisiana State.

Today the computer criticized the idea of using a machine to decide a national champion.

"The BCS system was developed to eliminate debate about who finished number one," said the computer. "That's asinine. You can't just evaluate football by the numbers alone. It's a human endeavor, meant to be watched, appreciated and evaluated by humans. It's got emotion and power that can't be dispassionately measured by running an algorithm on a Pentium chip. I don't mind playing chess against Kasparov, but I'm getting out of this football business. It just doesn't compute."

(2004-01-02) -- Rep. Richard Gephardt, the Democrat president contender, needs to be "more like Howard Dean" in his attacks on President George Bush, according to Democrat National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe.

"I've been coaching Dick," said Mr. McAuliffe, "and when he said Bush was a 'miserable failure', I though he was getting the hang of it. But now he's starting to sound like Senator Daschle again."

Mr. Gephardt told the Washington Post this week that he was "worried" about Mr. Bush. While he acknowledged that the president is "not dumb" he went on to claim that Mr. Bush is "not informed" and "not experienced."

"That's pathetic," said Mr. McAuliffe. "I've been telling Dick he's got to get angry like Howard. Dean calls Bush "callous," "meanspirited," "reckless," "dangerous." He's even mocking the way Bush mispronounces words. Meanwhile, Gephardt's out there getting worried."

A spokesman for the Gephardt campaign said the candidate was "concerned that Mr. McAuliffe and Mr. Dean don't understand that statesmen express their anger, disdain and hatred in veiled language that can be more effective than direct insults."

"Yeah, right," Mr. McAuliffe responded. "That's the kind of talk Dick used to lead us into the minority in Congress. He sounds like Tom 'saddened' Daschle."

"Reuters news agency calls Bush a 'gun-toting cowboy,' and Reuters isn't even running for president, as far as I know," Mr. McAuliffe said. "Meanwhile, Gephardt says Bush operates with 'a cowboy kind of belief'. Dick just doesn't understand how to use words as blunt-force weapons. That's what appeals to journalists. Dick needs to get a clue."

(2004-01-01) -- Usama bin Laden's al Qaeda terror network claimed credit for a coughing attack in Times Square last night which left one NYU student red faced and gasping for air.

"I just couldn't stop coughing," said the unnamed college freshmen. "It felt like something was tickling the back of my throat, but no matter how much I hacked it wouldn't dislodge. I immediately thought of the code Orange terror alert. Finally, I just took a sip of water and the attack abated."

Intercepted email messages among known al Qaeda operatives show the terror group rejoiced after the coughing attack which they monitored via webcam.

"The infidel nearly required medical attention, Praise be Allah," wrote one al Qaeda cell leader. "This should stop the Great Satan from claiming that Americans are safe on their own soil."

Homeland Security officials this morning are still trying to determine how al Qaeda sparked the coughing spell.

"We're also looking into several complaints of potentially terror-related leg cramps in Times Square," said an unnamed official.