(2004-11-17) -- Sears, Roebuck and Co. and Kmart Holding Corp. today announced a merger aimed at setting a new record in the arena of retail bankruptcy filings.

"Rather than just vanish from the American landscape, we want to be remembered by our shareholders for decades," said Kmart CEO Edward Lampert who will head the new Sears Holding Corp. "We're change agents, and this merger is bound to change college and retirement plans for thousands of our shareholders."

In related news, jailed Kmart partner Martha Stewart will release a new video demonstrating how to make wallpaper from Sears Holding Corp. stock certificates.

"The wallpaper is attractive and the best way to get value out of your stock," according to Ms. Stewart's cellmate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Sears and Kmart executives remain free pending charges.

http://www.ScrappleFace.com