(2003-12-31) -- The vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace today announced its top headlines of 2004. These are the news items which will have the greatest impact on Americans and other citizens of Earth during the coming year.
Unlike traditional news operations, ScrappleFace editors and writers are not restricted to covering so-called "real" events, so they can pursue stories that interest them or fit with their own personal political agendas regardless of the facts. Therefore, the newsworthiness of the following headlines is virtually guaranteed.
Hillary Clinton Gets Nomination,
But Oscar Goes to Nicole Kidman
Episcopal Church Splits Over
Ordination of Openly-Christian Bishop
-- Narrow-minded cleric calls Jesus “the only way”
Usama Bin Laden Found Under
Syrian President’s Sofa Cushion
-- President Bashir al Assad discovers al Qaeda leader while groping for remote control.
Bush Gets Nobel Peace Prize
for Uniting Democrat Party
-- His roadmap for peace includes an idea liberal and moderate factions can agree on: uncompromising hatred of George W. Bush
Year's Top Sports Story Involves
Some Kind of Athletic Achievement
Native Americans Launch Rival
To New York Stock Exchange
-- Biggest Indian Casino Venture Yet
Columnist Robert Novak Reveals Name of
Undercover Agent Who Sabotaged the DNC
-- Fall of Democrat Party said to be 'inside job'
Court Orders 10 Commandments Removed
from Bible in Car Parked Near Court House
Homosexual Union Endorses Howard Dean
After Dean Supports Lowering ‘Wages of Sin’
(2003-12-31) -- Columnist Robert Novak today followed the lead of U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft and disqualified himself from participating in a Justice Department probe to determine who leaked the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame.
"I'm recusing myself from this case," Mr. Novak said, "I am the only person who could unequivocally confirm who outed Valerie Plame. If I revealed the name of the leaker, it might result in removal of a loose-lipped, high-level government official, thereby making me appear somewhat patriotic. In order to be a professional American journalist, I must remain neutral on potential matters of national security. It would be a conflict of interest for me to disclose my source."
The name of the CIA agent appeared in Mr. Novak's July 14 column.
(2003-12-31) -- The precise timing of the descent of a Waterford Crystal ball above Times Square at midnight tonight may be another example of Bush administration "stagecraft," according to Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean.
"The ball is a powerful symbol for America," said Mr. Dean. "And it's natural to ask 'Who stands to benefit from the appearance of stability and comfort that comes from the smooth, timely, joyful nature of this event?' First we catch Saddam, then Libya gives up its WMD, the U.S. economy is recovering...and now the ball drop. It's a brand new year...morning in America again. To suggest that this harmonic convergence of events was merely coincidental strains credulity."
Mr. Dean insisted he was not suggesting that George Bush personally coordinated the timing of New York City ball drop, "but it is an interesting theory that's out there," he said.
(2003-12-31) -- Although he said Americans should enjoy their New Year's Eve festivities, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has released a list of "reasonable precautions" recommended for those participating in large celebrations like the annual party in Times Square, New York.
"While the government is doing everything it can to protect you," said Mr. Ridge, "you should be vigilant as well. I'm confident that our nation of rugged individualists is well prepared to handle any threat scenario."
Here is a partial list of Homeland Security advice for those in Times Square and elsewhere:
-- Because you may have to fight a terrorist, do what you can to prepare yourself for such an event. Malt beverages and distilled spirits may embolden you for physical conflict.
-- Shouting unintelligibly may help confuse terrorists. The government recommends the following phonetic constructions: 'Woo-Hoo', 'Hu-Aah', 'Mu-Ha-Ha-Ha', 'Yee-Haa' and 'Freebird!' Please avoid ululation.
-- Protect yourself against radical Muslim terrorists by wearing plenty of pork and pork by-products upon your head and neck. (Note: Unfortunately, this may also offend non-combatant adherents of other religions, so avoid accidentally touching unknown persons in the crowd until they actually threaten you.)
-- Wearing conical headgear, reminiscent of a minaret, could literally bring a Muslim terrorist to his knees.
-- Avoid looking up at the helicopters hovering overhead, or toward the snipers positioned atop buildings. Staring directly into a laser sight could cause permanent eye damage. (Note: Staring directly into Dick Clark's teeth may also cause permanent eye damage.)
-- Since terrorists may time their attack to coincide with the moment the 'ball drops', you should intentionally scramble the countdown. Try something like this, "10-9-17-23-12 and the PowerBall is 36."
(2003-12-30) -- Karl Rove, political advisor to President George Bush, today pleaded with Democrat National Committee (DNC) chairman Terry McAuliffe to protect Howard Dean from attacks by his Democrat presidential rivals.
"It's time for the DNC to rally around the presumptive nominee," said Mr. Rove. "Howard Dean is the only candidate who has garnered the support of the major labor unions and the famous itinerant professor Al Gore. Terry McAuliffe must prevent Dean's bitter rivals from scuttling his nomination. O, please, Terry...please, please."
(2003-12-30) -- Sales of America's dietary staples--cow spinal fluid and brain tissue--dropped significantly last week after the discovery of a case of bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE or 'mad cow disease') in Mabton, Washington.
A quick survey of upscale cafes in the Seattle area showed a precipitous decrease in sales of spinal latte, a musky cocktail made from steamed spinal fluids and arabica beans.
Meanwhile, delicatessens throughout the city report declining demand for their formerly-popular brain-based foods.
"I used to love coming here for a cerebellum sandwich and a cup of spinal soup," said an unnamed deli customer, "But these news reports have got me spooked. I think I'm going to stick with tuna for a while, even though the mercury in tuna seems to make me unusually sensitive to temperature changes."
The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) issued a news release confirming the safety of the "vast majority of cow central nervous system foods."
"There is no cause for alarm," according to the USDA release. "Americans should continue to enjoy a normal diet, rich in cow spinal products, temporal lobes, cerebral cortices and medulla oblongata. Especially during the holidays, we encourage everyone to eat brain, drink spinal fluid and be merry."
The USDA will launch a public service advertising campaign later this week featuring young, hip celebrities singing:
"With the thoughts you'd be thinking,
You could be another Lincoln,
if you only ate a brain."
(2003-12-29) -- The Right Reverend John Bryson Chane, Episcopal bishop of Washington, today announced that the "angel Gabriel" told him that Christians worship the same God as atheists do.
"Gabriel said we're all God's children," said Mr. Chane, "and any distinctions in belief are not meaningful. Faith in God is the same thing as non-belief and we should unite with our atheist brothers in this revelation from Gabriel -- who either exists or does not."
The announcement of his angelic visitation follows the bishop's Christmas sermon at the National Cathedral in Washington, during which he said that the angel Gabriel "was sent by God to reveal the sacred Quran to the prophet Muhammad".
Mr. Chane urged all Christians and atheists to unite behind this "newly-revealed doctrine."
"This revelation should bring together people of all religions with those who think that so-called 'god' is merely a clever fiction invented by men to control others," he said.
(2003-12-29) -- The United Nations Security Council today took up discussion of a resolution to protect Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean from White House rivals John F. Kerry, Wesley Clark and Joseph I. Lieberman, whom Mr. Dean has dubbed the 'axis of Smeagol'.
"Like the two-faced character in the Lord of the Rings movies, Clark, Kerry and Lieberman make a show of party unity while verbally savaging me behind my back," said Mr. Dean. "Only the United Nations has the legitimacy to intervene for my protection. My own party has failed me."
Yesterday, Mr. Dean criticized Democrat National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe for failing to intervene unilaterally to protect the former Vermont governor.
Secretary-General Kofi Annan said he is hopeful that the Security Council will "leap to Mr. Dean's aid within the decade."
(2003-12-29) -- U.S. President George Bush has a "schizophrenic foreign policy" regarding Iran, according to Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean.
"Earlier this year, Bush said Iran was part of the Axis of Evil, now we're shipping food, medicine and other supplies to alleviate the suffering of ordinary Iranians," said Mr. Dean. "There seems to be a chronic disconnect in the Bush administration between the Iranian people and the actions of the Iranian government. The president needs to make up his mind -- is Iran evil or not?"
The former Vermont governor also noted that it's possible that Mr. Bush knew in advance about this week's massive Iranian earthquake, yet did nothing to stop it.
"We can't prove it," Mr. Dean said. "And I doubt that it's true, but it is an interesting theory that's out there."
LETTER TO THE EDITOR:
Dear Editor --
I am a 19-year-old year old college student. Some of my professors and fellow students say there is no "United" States of America, because our nation is so divided along ideological lines. As I read the paper, and watch the TV news, I almost believe it. My Dad says, "If you read it at ScrappleFace.com, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a United States of America?
Virginia O'Hanlon VII
Yes, Virginia, there is a United States of America. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no United States! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias.
But the United States of America isn't about politics, or ideological debate, or the constant buzz of news -- which is, afterall, simply entertaining drama. All drama demands conflict, protagonists, antagonists and change. That's what the news is. People who look to it for a faithful reproduction of events, look amiss. Like a good play, you must allow the news to entertain and challenge you. You must suspend disbelief to be swept into a world where big pronouncements mask little minds, altruistic gestures disguise selfish motives, and one shocking event follows another in rapid succession, because that's the way the producers want it. In the end, the characters in the news must be in conflict for the drama to occur. Therefore, peace and goodwill have little place on the pages of the paper or in the ceaseless drone of broadcast news. Cooperation, human kindness and small acts by ordinary people, which make up the vast majority of all activity in our land, may only appear in the news to provide an infrequent counterpoint or ironic commentary to the steady drumming of cynicism and conflict. The news is not reality. It is simply an effort by writers and actors to suffuse their own lives with meaning by creating compelling drama.
But that is not the real America, Virginia. If we were to accept the somber intonation 'That's the way it was' we would be deceived, drained and defeated. If you trust the news, as your professors and fellow students apparently do, then there is no United States. We are deeply riven, savagely torn, irreconcilably different.
Don't trust the news. The real America, while perpetually stained with the residue of human fallibility, is at the same time more mundane and more meaningful than the news. It is in our own homes and neighborhoods that we see valiant efforts to suppress our natural urge to dominate one another.
In the United States, liberals and conservatives come together in halls of worship, in grocery stores, in factory lunchrooms, in scout meetings and at little league ball practices. We work side-by-side to pave roads, build houses, turn wrenches, tap keyboards, extinguish burning buildings, resuscitate heart attack victims and take up arms to protect the people who do all of that. And as we do these things, we don't favor our political allies nor deny our best efforts to our political opponents. This is the real America.
Our soldier may be a Republican, Democrat or totally ambivalent about politics, but when he steps onto the field of battle he says to ideological partners and opponents alike, 'I've got your back, Brother.'
Virginia, all of this is not to say that ideas don't matter. They do. They shape our perception of reality, set the course for our journey and provide guideposts along the way. It also does not mean that all ideas are equally valid. They are not. There is truth. There is right. But no human striding this earth today owns either franchise exclusively nor eternally.
However, the ideas that make these states united, give us an opportunity unparalleled in human history and still unmatched within the borders of any other land.
All men are created equal.
They are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights.
Among these rights are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
These are United States because a set of ideas, radical at the time they were codified, best fits our human nature. They offer us freedom with responsiblity, and help protect us from each other and from our own worst inclinations. Our founding documents are at the same time incredibly hopeful, eminently reasonable and seriously practical.
The high ideals our founders captured in ink on parchment lift our heads and fix our gaze on the horizon. Yet these documents also establish reasonable boundaries to help ensure that we don't tread others under foot as we march toward that horizon. Most of all they protect us against the natural tendency of governors to exalt themselves above the governed, by allowing each of us an opportunity to lead and to decide who leads.
All of this is heady stuff for a college student whose thoughts rarely rise above daily concerns about homework, grades, money, food, romance, entertainment, fashion. In reality, most of your fellow students know more about popular music and sports personalities than they do about the ideas which unite us as Americans. And your professors, so erudite in the lecture hall, will go home tonight and apply their mighty intellects to cooking noodles, tinkering in the garage and perhaps taking out the garbage. They're human like you. Their minds are products of the authors and teachers who have appealed to their own peculiar egos. In their best moments, they glimpse their own fallibility and contemplate the awesome and terrible impact they can have on young minds. In their worst moments, they are players who manipulate emotions from behind an academic mask.
But the failure of some of your professors to understand what makes America great, and what unites these states, does not make the United States of America any less real. The beauty and genius of America is that even those who oppose her ideals or her government, enjoy the freedom provided by those ideals and that government.
Yes, Virginia, there is a United States of America, and it lives as long as men and women like you remember the great ideas which gave her birth, while continuing to quietly serve others without regard to ideology.
-- by Scott Ott, for the vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace
[Editor's Note: To the almost two million visitors who have enlivened this endeavor since July 2002, may the joy of Christmas fill your hearts and minds. Thank you for reading ScrappleFace.]
(2003-12-23) -- A surprise offer by Saddam Hussein to personally lead U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney to Usama bin Laden's mountain hideaway may have been inspired by one of 'Lord of the Rings' movies he has watched while being held by the U.S. military.
Mr. Hussein apparently suggested the idea after viewing 'The Two Towers', the second movie in the trilogy.
While any chance to get Mr. Bin Laden might seem welcome, especially from someone with suspected ties to the al Qaeda leader, the proposal has reportedly caused a "friendly rift" in the Bush administration over whether Saddam can be trusted.
Sources describe Saddam has being humiliated by his capture, somewhat deranged from his time underground and overly influenced by the character 'Gollum' in the 'The Two Towers.'
Mr. Cheney is said to empathize with the former Iraqi leader since he and Saddam have both spent long periods isolated in undisclosed locations and have backgrounds in the petroleum business.
Saddam recently told interrogators, "We'll be nice to them if they'll be nice to us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears to serve the master of the petrol [his nickname for Mr. Cheney]. We will swear on...on the petrol! Yes, on the petrol; on the petrol."
However, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld allegedly told Mr. Cheney, "He's trying to trick us. There's no promise Saddam can make that you can trust."
An unnamed White House official said that if the vice president accepts Saddam's offer, he not only risks offending his long-time colleague, Mr. Rumsfeld, but he may sacrifice is own life.
"But if he doesn't follow Saddam to Bin Laden's mountain lair," the source added, "we may lose our last best chance to destroy this evil forever."
(2003-12-23) -- Bill Clinton should be fired as ex-president because he failed to stop the terror attacks of September 11, 2001, according to Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark.
Mr. Clark's remarks came just after news reports that he had praised Mr. Clinton, rather than George Bush, for applying pressure to Libya that resulted in that nation agreeing to abandon its weapons of mass destruction.
"After I gave my former commander-in-chief credit for squeezing Libya," said Mr. Clark, "I realized that I would also have to blame him for not stopping the 9/11 attacks. After all, there was a three-year hiatus between the Clinton White House and the Libyan decision, but only nine months between Bill's departure and the day the planes hit."
The former NATO Commander added that his views on the matter were subject to change without notice.
(2003-12-23) -- New York Governor George Pataki today pardoned comedian Lenny Bruce posthumously for a nearly 40-year-old obscenity conviction prompted by a foul-mouthed political commentary.
Democrat presidential candidates John F. Kerry and Wesley Clark both expressed hope that they would someday receive similar forgiveness for their own recent obscene comments.
"Gov. Pataki has demonstrated that America is the land of second chances," said a spokesman for Mr. Kerry. "Lenny Bruce is a hero to all of us who make political points with pungent language. If he were alive today, I would hire him to write my speeches."
(2003-12-23) -- Al Qaeda, the global terror network, has increased its threat level index to 'Orange' (High) based on intercepted 'chatter' by top U.S. officials who have authority to direct deadly strikes on al Qaeda members, including its elusive leader, Usama bin Laden.
"Our intelligence sources have received a substantial increase in the volume of threat-related intelligence reports," according to an internal email from a senior al Qaeda official. "These credible sources suggest the possibility of attacks against our al Qaeda cells and training facilities around the infidels' holiday season and beyond. The strategic indicators, including America's continued desire to carry out attacks against our forces, are perhaps greater now than at any point since our most triumphant day, September 11, 2001."
Al Qaeda experts are still studying a tape, purported to be audio of U.S. Commander-in-Chief George Bush, on which the voice claims that U.S. forces are on Mr. Bin Laden's trail and would get him "dead or alive."
Despite the heightened threat to al Qaeda, the unnamed official urged terror group members to "go about activities as planned, but be aware, vigilant and have an emergency plan."
(2003-12-23) -- To minimize criticism that he is manipulating news events for personal political benefit, President George Bush has ordered the Pentagon to ensure that the eventual capture of Usama bin Laden appears "poorly managed."
According to a leaked memo from Mr. Bush to top aides, the president was enraged at suggestions that the administration had scheduled the arrest of Saddam Hussein to give Mr. Bush a year-end boost in the polls.
"I don't want to give critics a chance to accuse me of political motives in the war on terror," Mr. Bush wrote. "So, make sure your people do everything in their power to 'catch' UBL at a time, and in a way that cannot possibly benefit me or the Bush 2004 campaign."
In the memo, the president suggested several "alternative UBL capture scenarios":
-- "Get Pervez [Musharraf, President of Pakistan] to invite French President Chirac to Pakistan for a meeting, and then let Chirac 'stumble upon' UBL while he's out digging for truffles or something."
-- "Tranquilize UBL and leave him in the makeup room backstage at the Fleet Center during the Democrat convention in July."
-- "Have our Special Forces boys wear baby-blue helmets for the photos."
White House insiders say the president's political advisor, Karl Rove, is tasked with "keeping the president's name out of the papers" for at least a week after the arrest of Mr. Bin Laden.
(2003-12-23) -- In an effort to reinforce her repeated statements that she is not running for president in 2004, Senator Hillary Clinton, D-NYArk, today filed papers with the Federal Election Commission to form a presidential 'ignoratory committee'.
The establishment of the committee will allow Mrs. Clinton to hire staff, raise funds and develop a network of support to ensure that members of her party "pay no attention to the electrifying potential for a Clinton-Bush battle in 2004," according to a committee staffer.
"We think there's a grassroots movement out there to get her nominated," said the unnamed staffer. "It's going to take a coordinated effort to get Democrats to ignore Hillary Clinton's enormous potential and pay attention to the actual announced candidates."
Although Mrs. Clinton has made several high profile appearances and strident anti-Bush pronouncements lately, her associates insist that she's just doing her job as a U.S. Senator.
Mrs. Clinton's ignoratory committee has already begun distributing bumper stickers in New York City which read "Clinton for Prez in 2004? Fugget-About-It!"
(2003-12-22) -- After word that Time magazine had selected 'The American Soldier' as its Person of the Year, The New York Times today announced its pick for "2003 Individual of the Year" -- The African-American Unemployed, Uninsured, Lesbian Woman with an Unwanted Pregnancy.
"We noticed that Time feigned patriotism by putting American troops on the cover, even though the story savaged President Bush's foreign policy," said Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., publisher of The New York Times. "So, we just wanted to praise the heroism of the woman who's fighting conservative laws which prevent her from marrying her lesbian partner. She worries that her children won't be able to get into a good college due to the Bush war on affirmative action. She struggles to make ends meet due to Bush's economic policy failures. And she desperately needs a partial-birth abortion to protect her mental health, but it's illegal now and even if it weren't she has no insurance."
Mr. Sulzberger said the Times' editorial board's second choice for Individual of the Year was Valerie Plame, wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, who might have been one of the great undercover CIA agents of all time if an unnamed Bush administration official hadn't revealed her identity to columnist Robert Novak.
(2003-12-22) -- The U.S. Supreme Court is set to rule, in early 2004, that most of the 1st Amendment to the Constitution is unconstitutional, according to an unnamed Court clerk.
The nation's highest court will likely amend the 1st amendment contained in the so-called "Bill of Rights," eliminating everything but the first five words.
Currently, the 1st amendment states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
However, the unnamed Supreme Court clerk said, "In light of some recent federal court rulings, a majority of the justices have come to believe that only the first five words of the amendment really make sense. Eliminating the rest should reduce intolerance and dissent in our country, making us truly one nation under mandamus."
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) said it has a team of attorneys searching for a plaintiff whose case would "facilitate" such a ruling.
(2003-12-22) -- The capture of Saddam Hussein, Libya's offer to destroy its WMD and increasing signs of economic recovery at home all leave George Bush "incredibly vulnerable" at the polls in 2004, according to Democrat National Committee (DNC) chairman Terry McAuliffe.
"People can only take so much positive news before it begins to drain them," said Mr. McAuliffe. "The incessant drip, drip, drip of good news is exhausting. Democrat candidates in 2004 will have a clear, focused message: 'Eliminate Good-News Fatigue. Vote Democrat'."
The other factor portending a Democrat presidency is the natural human tendency to expect the worst when things are going well.
For that reason, the DNC considered using a more proactive slogan: 'Democrats Don't Wait for Bad News, We Make it Happen'.
Mr. McAuliffe noted that most people are more "realistic" than President Bush, so the Democrat message of a failing economy and a foreign policy quagmire hold more credibility.
"No one really believes these surging economic indicators," he said. "For that matter, most in my party don't believe that we caught Saddam...at least not recently."
(2003-12-21) -- Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested today that the Bush administration influenced the timing of the release of the blockbuster movie 'The Return of the King' to boost the economy before the 2004 elections.
"In the first five days that movie has raked in $125 million," said Ms. Albright. "And that doesn't include popcorn, beverages and Sno-Caps. This is a major shot in the arm for the economy, and I find the timing suspicious. All three of these movies have been released during the Bush administration, and this one may create the economic tsunami that carries Bush to his second term."
In related news, Democrat presidential candidate Dick Gephardt, who is boycotting 'The Return of the King,' said the film was a 'miserable failure' which sent high-paying American jobs to New Zealand.
Senator John F. Kerry, also rumored to be considering a White House bid, said, "This is a great day for America. Of course, I was one of the early supporters of adventure movies. And while George Bush can get the vicarious rush of watching a filmed battle sequence, I actually left some blood on the battlefield."
Rival Wesley Clark said, "I support this movie, and recommend that people go to see it, but they should leave the theater as quickly as possible."
Candidate Dennis Kucinich said, "I told you Bush was false. I told you he was tricksy."
(2003-12-21) -- Within an hour after U.S. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced an increase in the terror threat index to 'Orange' (High), Microsoft Corporation said Americans can download a new patch from its website to deal with the threat.
According to information on the download page, "Several security issues have been identified in the United States of America and allied countries. These vulnerabilities could allow attackers to run diabolical schemes of their choice on our systems and infrastructure. You can help protect yourself by installing this update from Microsoft."
Although critics denounced the patch as "essentially vaporware" and "a placebo program," Microsoft defended its distribution.
"People face dozens of threats on a daily basis," said the unnamed Microsoft spokesman. "And the terror threats are all so vague, it seems like there's nothing we can do. But at Microsoft we have learned that folks feel more secure if they take some kind of action. It doesn't really matter what the patch does, or doesn't do. We are empowering people to feel safer.
In related news, Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean said, "The Microsoft patch will make America safer than the capture of Saddam Hussein did."
(2003-12-21) -- Kurds lead the way to Saddam Hussein's 'spider hole' on December 13, as part of U.S. President George Bush's intricate plan to recapture the White House in 2004. The top-secret Bush plot was dubbed Operation Muffet.
The involvement of forces from the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan (PUK) was revealed by Britain's Sunday Express this morning, but the underlying motives of the Bush administration emerged only from an off-the-record interview with a senior Democrat presidential campaign official.
"[Ambassador] Paul Bremer said 'We got him' but it was really the Kurds who got Saddam," said an unnamed senior aide to presidential hopeful Howard Dean. "It's all part of [White House political advisor] Karl Rove's ingenious plan to get Bush re-elected. Part of the strategy is to continually make false claims that can be easily refuted by eyewitnesses."
The source said it's unclear how the Rove plan could result in a second Bush term, but he added that "Karl is a monolithic mastermind."
"One theory that's out there," said the Dean aide, "Is that the PUK is really the vanguard of the Bush re-election campaign. They're channeling money from Kurdish villages to Bush 2004. They lead U.S. troops to the spider hole, and they're leading Bush to a second term. Of course, that can't be proved. But the theory is out there."
(2003-12-20) -- The latest New York Times/CBS News poll showed that Americans oppose same-sex marriage by a 61-34 margin.
However, within hours of the poll's publication, a 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel overturned the poll results and ordered Americans to develop rationale for changing their minds about homosexual marriage.
"The Court finds no reasonable precedent for the deeply-held beliefs of most Americans," according to the 13-page ruling. "Therefore, the survey results will forthwith demonstrate that 61 percent of Americans favor same-sex marriage, and only 34 percent oppose the concept."
(2003-12-20) -- Reporters at local TV stations are "not ready" for the direct news feed service (dubbed C-SPAN Baghdad) announced by the Bush administration yesterday, according to a spokesman for the Institute for Journalistic Standards (IJS).
"If the Pentagon were to feed briefing video directly to local TV stations, bypassing the crucial gatekeepers like CNN and the BBC, local reporters would flounder for lack of context," said the unnamed IJS source. "How would they know which quotes were important? The major media have actual reporters embedded in Iraqi hotels and briefing rooms on the ground in Baghdad -- or at least on the chair, which is on the floor not too far above the ground in Baghdad. They are the experts to whom America turns for context."
The IJS spokesman also noted that major media reporters earn much more money than most local reporters.
"Who are you going to trust?" he asked rhetorically, "The guy in Toledo who watched the briefing by satellite and only earns 35-grand? Or the six-figure superstar coming to you live from the parking lot of the al-Rashid hotel, moments after actually attending the briefing?"
The Institute for Journalistic Standards enforces consistency among its member reporters and editors.
(2003-12-20) -- The family sits around the Christmas tree. The grownups sip hot cocoa. The children giggle as they shake wrapped gifts trying to guess the contents.
It's a Norman Rockwell, home and hearth, God-Bless-America moment.
But when the Masterson family ventures into public, they're not treated like full citizens. Archaic laws, religious bigotry and misguided morality often leave them feeling shunned -- strangers in their own land. What they see as a loving family, the government calls criminal.
That's because Bob Masterson is a polygamist. He shares his spacious suburban home with six wives, and their 23 children. The Mastersons are at the center of a court battle which they hope will grant polygamists the same rights that normal, heterosexual, monogamous married couples have.
The Masterson's case comes as the eyes of the nation are on New Jersey, where seven homosexual couples are suing for the right to marry.
"We are good citizens, we pay our taxes and we are caring parents — but we don't have the same equality as other Americans," Mr. Masterson said. "We're tired of having to explain our relationship."
Although it may seem like a pipe dream, given America's primitive, provincial culture, the Mastersons yearn for the day when they can enjoy the little privileges other married people take for granted.
"Someday," Mr. Masterson said, "I want to have my checks imprinted with 'Bob and Lorraine, Cindy, Jennifer, Lucy, Abigail and Barbara Masterson'. Is that too much to ask? I look forward to the day when I can check the 'Married, filing jointly' box on the IRS 1040, and there are enough signature lines for all of us. It's little things like that."
Although it doesn't seem much to ask, Mr. Masterson knows that it will take a tectonic shift in American culture.
"Like I keep telling the old ladies, it's going to take baby steps," he said. "It will start with the TV sitcoms, where you'll begin to see fun-loving polygamist characters. Then someone will do a show like 'Polygamist Eye for the Monogamous Guy'."
Still, Mr. Masterson and his wives know that fully-legal polygamist marriage is a long way off.
"Frankly," he said, "Right now, we'd settle for being treated under the law like ordinary Vermont lesbians."
(2003-12-19) -- Just hours after the announcement that Libya has offered to give up its weapons of mass destruction program and submit to immediate, unconditional inspections, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan said Libya must be given more time to make the decision to abandon WMD.
"You can't just announce this all at once," said Mr. Annan. "Libya should invest the time to build a true multilateral coalition before inspections can even be contemplated. This is a 12-year process at minimum."
In related news, Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean said that Libya would have destroyed its WMD program much sooner if the United States had not invaded Iraq.
"America will not be safer when Libyan WMD are destroyed," said Mr. Dean.
(2003-12-19) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today said he believes credible evidence exists to prove that President George Bush knew about airplanes before four of them were commandeered and crashed on September 11, 2001, killing about 3,000 people.
"The most interesting theory I've heard so far," Mr. Dean told a reporter from National Public Radio, "and this can't be proved...is that George Bush knew about airplanes before 9/11. He may have seen them flying overhead in the years before 2001, and some suggest, he may have been a passenger on some airplanes."
Mr. Dean refused to identify the source of his allegation, saying only that the theory was "out there."
(2003-12-19) -- Just days after U.S. troops pulled a dishevelled Saddam Hussein from a 'spider hole' near Tikrit, U.S. Special Forces today captured al Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden in a palace in remote Waziristan.
Mr. Bin Laden who typically appears in videos with a long, shaggy graying beard was described by his captors as looking "totally shevelled."
"There he was, sitting on a gold throne, clean-shaven, with close-cropped hair and manicured fingernails," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. "He was surrounded by luxury, watching a football game on satellite TV, eating the finest foods, attended by a bevy of servants."
Mr. Bin Laden is currently being held along with Mr. Hussein and U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, in an undisclosed location.
(2003-12-19) -- In the wake of yesterday's decision by a U.S. 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals panel ordering the government either to release accused dirty bomber Jose Padilla or to try him in civilian court, President George Bush today declared two judges on the Court to be 'enemy combatants'.
The judges, who both ruled against the Bush administration in Padilla v. Rumsfeld, have been flown to the U.S. military detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
"These judges are a threat to our freedoms and our way of life," said Mr. Bush in a brief written statement. "In the war on terror, the battlefield has no boundaries and we can't wait until there's an imminent threat to executive privilege before taking action."
The judges will be held incommunicado for an unspecified period, or until the Supreme Court overturns the Circuit Court ruling. The prisoners of war will, of course, receive daily visits from a Muslim chaplain.
(2003-12-19) -- In the wake of new presidential polling numbers which show Al Sharpton with greater support than Senator John F. Kerry, Mr. Sharpton has offered Mr. Kerry second position on his presidential ticket.
"We'd be a great team," said Mr. Sharpton. "We each supply what the other lacks. He has money, and I have personality, a sense of humor and the ability to motivate a crowd. Plus, I've proven that I can run more economically than John."
The Brooklyn preacher's campaign typically has less than $20,000 cash on hand.
Kerry campaign aides said he's considering Mr. Sharpton's "gracious" offer, which comes on a day when news reports claim Mr. Kerry will mortgage his Beacon Hill home to loan $850,000 to his own campaign.
"If you combine my 5 percent with John's 4 percent," said Mr. Sharpton, "it would put us in a virtual dead-heat for second place with Joe Lieberman and Wes Clark. Persuading John to be my vice president would be easier for me than mortgaging my Beacon Hill home."
Kerry campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, released a written statement which said, "For John F. Kerry to be Al Sharpton's vice president would be almost as great an honor as being Teresa Heinz's husband or Senator Kennedy's junior colleague from Massachusetts."
(2003-12-18) -- The commission that governs Philadelphia's public schools announced today that it would place parental advisory labels on all of its school buildings to protect children from offensive language used by teachers, principals and school commissioners.
The decision solves a problem which came to light after a school principal used an analogy to explain to students why it is offensive to call a visually-impaired student 'one-eyed jack'. The principal, who is white, told a class of 8th-grade students that the taunt was offensive like calling someone 'nigger,' and that neither term was acceptable.
Her explanation to the students sparked a school commissioner to call for the principal's dismissal.
"Nigger is the most derogatory racial epithet to be used against African-Americans" said Commissioner Sandra Dungee Glenn, who is African-American.
Ms. Glenn's repetition of the term at the commission meeting resulted in a Philadelphia Daily News story in which 'nigger' appeared several times. It was then that the commissioners realized that the use of the offensive word was "spiralling out of control."
The parental advisory labels will appear on the front doors of all Philadelphia public school buildings and will protect teens from exposure to offensive words the same way the labels on music do, allowing parents to choose whether to avoid the product, or to accompany their children during the time the product is used.
As an example of the effectiveness of the labels, the commissioners cited Billboard's top-ranked rap song, 'The Way You Move' by Outkast, which describes sexual acts and includes the N-word and the F-word. However, it carries the parental advisory "Explicit." This means that the song shot to the top of the charts solely on the strength of purchases by adult fans and by parents who always listen to the songs with their children.
(2003-12-18) -- Wesley Clark, the Democrat presidential candidate, said yesterday that if he were president he would have captured Usama bin Laden by now and jilted First Lady Laura Bush.
"I would have gotten him," said Mr. Clark of Mr. bin Laden. "And I would have divorced Laura. I just don't find the woman attractive."
A spokesman for the Clark campaign said, "The former general's rich fantasy life and spirituality contribute to his geopolitical acumen."
Mr. Clark also noted that if he were Franklin D. Roosevelt, he would have captured Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini in early 1941.
(2003-12-18) -- The capture of Saddam Hussein caused the official Iraq death-toll clock to be reset last Saturday.
Previously, news reports had calculated the U.S. military death toll from May 1, 2003, when President George Bush declared an end to major combat operations in a speech from the deck of an aircraft carrier.
However, effective immediately, reporters must use December 13 as the death-toll reference point in all reports of U.S. fatalities in Iraq, according to the Institute for Journalistic Standards (IJS).
Under the revised guidelines, news stories may also include mention of President Bush's 'Mission Accomplished' speech on the aircraft carrier, in addition to the Saddam-capture date.
The Institute's mission is to enforce standards of consistency among its member reporters and editors.
"The use of a benchmark date from which to count the death toll lends the appearance of context for news consumers," said an IJS spokesman. "If reporters didn't mention that, people might not naturally make the connection."
(2003-12-18) -- Saddam Hussein will likely plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' in his upcoming war crimes trial, and should soon be allowed unsupervised outings from the mental hospital, according to a psychologist.
"Anyone who would order the killing and torture of hundreds of thousands of people is, by definition, insane," said the unnamed psychologist. "Just like John Hinckley, Saddam deserves therapy and medication, not scorn. In a few years, he should be allowed to visit family and friends without having a guard hover around."
(2003-12-17) -- In a move described as a concession to religious liberty, French President Jacques Chirac today asked parliament not to forbid the Muslim hijab (head scarf) in public institutions, as long as it is white and mounted to a stick.
"We want to let our Muslim friends know that they are free to practice their religion in France," said Mr. Chirac. "But we must not allow our French secular identity to slip. The hijab-on-a-stick is a rational, secular compromise which will remind Muslims of their religious identity and all French people of their great military history."
Mr. Chirac's aides said they still don't have a so-called "final solution" for dealing with Jewish and Christian symbols, although they hope to find compromises which respect religious heritage while promoting distinctively French values.
"We're thinking of mandating that the yarmulke (skull cap) be worn as a sort of seat cushion to cover the derričre," said an unnamed presidential aide. "The cross, presents greater difficulties, because it's such an uncompromising symbol. However, we may perhaps allow only the horizontal beam to be worn, so it will be vaguely reminiscent of a cross, yet remind us all of the great Maginot Line behind which the French hid, for a time, in World War II."
(2003-12-17) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today fulfilled Al Gore's promise that Mr. Dean would 'take America back,' stopping by the customer service desk at a local Wal-Mart store to do so.
In an odd coincidence, President George Bush had made a top-secret visit, under cover of darkness, to that same store to encourage the Wal-Mart associates. Mr. Bush was working behind the service desk helping customers when Mr. Dean arrived and announced that he had come to take America back.
Despite Mr. Dean's lack of a receipt or any other evidence that America was his, Mr. Bush smiled, gave him a refund and encouraged him to spend the money "to keep this economic recovery rolling."
However, on the way out of the store, Mr. Dean was trampled by his Democrat presidential rivals.
(2003-12-17) -- Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark said today that pop singer Madonna's endorsement brings "United Nations caliber legitimacy" to his White House bid.
"Anytime you want to accomplish something on a large scale," said Mr. Clark, "you need to establish the legitimacy of the effort. Just like the U.S. needs the backing of the U.N. in Iraq and elsewhere, my campaign needed Madonna's endorsement."
The announcement set off a scramble at Howard Dean's campaign headquarters.
"When Howard got Al Gore's endorsement," said a Dean spokesman, "we said that we had locked up the hip-intellectual-metrosexual vote. But in the back of my mind, I knew Madonna was still out there, uncommitted. All I can say is, pundits have written the obituary for the Dean campaign prematurely before."
Meanwhile, candidate John F. Kerry's press secretary, Stephanie Cutter, sent a 'background' email to reporters attacking Mr. Clark, and listing Madonna quotes which suggest that her endorsement was "politically driven." Ms. Cutter's email can be attributed to a "Democrat campaign," but her name and Mr. Kerry's should not be mentioned in news stories.
(2003-12-16) -- A Food and Drug Administration (FDA) panel has approved over-the-counter sales of the so-called 'morning-before' pill. Although experts disagree over how the pill works, it seems to prevent unwanted pregnancy by attacking the problem at its source in the human brain.
The drug is an emergency pre-emptive contraceptive known as "Plan A", which, when taken 48-72 hours before potential unprotected sex, is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy.
Rather than causing a quick abortion, like the so-called 'morning after' pills, Plan A works on the cerebrum in the brain to actually keep women from getting into sexual situations in the first place.
"It seems to knock some sense into them, clinically speaking," said one unnamed FDA researcher. "After taking Plan A, our test subjects intuitively understood what men were really thinking. They no longer believed the words 'I love you' when it was just an inducement to sexual activity. In fact, they avoided situations where they might be alone together with any man to whom they were not married."
Scientists continue to work on a male version of the drug, also known as the 'personal responsibility' pill.
(2003-12-16) -- The United States today admitted to allegations by a Vatican official that Saddam Hussein was treated like a cow after his capture Saturday, but a Pentagon spokesman said it was done for the good of U.S. taxpayers.
Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Vatican's Justice and Peace department, said yesterday that he felt compassion for Mr. Hussein when he saw the video of a military physician "looking at his teeth as if he were a cow."
"What's wrong with treating him like a cow?" the unnamed Pentagon spokesman asked. "We were just trying to recoup some of the cost of acquiring Saddam by using him to produce something of value. Sadly, his production has been disappointing -- he's virtually dried up. And he's too old to fetch a good price at auction. Right now, we're looking at a big heap of bologna."
(2003-12-16) -- Preview screening audiences for the final episode of the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) movie trilogy are said to be "breathless" over the ending of the so-called 'American cut' of Return of the King, which features a spectacular car chase scene.
Although devotees of the J.R.R. Tolkien books, which form the basis for the movie series, have barraged internet fan sites with complaints, director Peter Jackson said audiences love the "dramatic plot twist."
"We wanted to bring Tolkien's incredibly intricate, poetic prose to the screen in a way that would be accessible to modern American moviegoers," said Mr. Jackson, a native New Zealander. "One of our scriptwriters suggested that the final epic battle between good and evil might best be portrayed by having the Dark Lord Sauron pursue Frodo and Sam (the ring-bearing Hobbits) in a spectacular car chase through Middle Earth. It really breathes new life into the literary fantasy-action-adventure genre."
Asked how he's dealing with the withering criticism from Tolkien fans, Mr. Jackson bristled: "I can't live my life trying to satisfy the purists. What do these people want? We spent months shooting that car chase, and I used classic cars to make it authentic. I think it's true to the spirit of Tolkien."
Mr. Jackson suggested that LOTR devotees would ultimately be satisfied when they buy the extended version DVD.
"On the DVD, the car chase is punctuated by long soliloquies by Lady Galadriel, where she speaks in untranslated Elvish and we see nothing but her unblinking eyes," said Mr. Jackson. "That ought to keep the stroppy Ring-geeks from chundering."
(2003-12-15) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today's foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has made America "measurably safer."
"I get continual updates on the security status of our nation from the CIA, FBI and our own internal analysts," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "This afternoon there was a measurable increase in safety within minutes after Mr. Dean began to deliver his speech."
Experts attribute the jump in the so-called American Safety Index to "the soothing character of Howard Dean's voice, combined with his deep understanding of global geopolitics and military affairs."
"Even though Howard Dean is not yet the commander-in-chief," said one unnamed expert. "The slightest hope that he might be one day just makes Americans feel safer."
Mr. Rumsfeld praised Mr. Dean and noted that the speech came just in time.
"Other than catching Saddam, we really didn't have any other plans for making America safer," he said.
(2003-12-15) -- The U.S. 4th Infrantry Division soldier who discovered Saddam Hussein's hiding place Saturday gave credit today to the Democrat National Committee (DNC) for inspiring the discovery.
"We had cordoned off Wolverine 1 and 2," said the unnamed soldier referring to the code names for the search areas. "But we couldn't find the HVT (High Value Target). Suddenly, I remembered that the Democrats say this war is all about oil. Well, oil is under the ground. So I start shovelling sand like I'm digging for some crude and up through the ground came a muttering dude -- Saddam that is."
Despite the sudden success of Democrat policies, DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe has sent a memo urging Democrats to refrain from gloating.
"It would be unseemly for us to crow about this," wrote Mr. McAuliffe. "We should continue our two-pronged patriotic approach of expressing support for the troops, while reminding them that they're risking their lives for a lie."
(2003-12-15) -- French Foreign Minister Dominique De Villepin (who is a man) said that his nation might be willing to forgive some Iraqi debt, since it was incurred by Saddam Hussein rather than a legitimate Iraqi government.
"However," Mr. De Villepin said, "the $750,000 that Mr. Hussein had with him when captured should come to France as a token of America's good faith, and the new Bush multilateralism."
France also claimed several new clothing items which were found in Saddam's farmhouse hideout.
"The socks and shirts should, by rights, also come to us," he added. "After all, France is the mother of all fashion."
(2003-12-15) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today said the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein "lacks legitimacy because it was a unilateral effort by American forces."
"It's great that Saddam Hussein was caught, but we did it all wrong and he should be released immediately," said Mr. Dean, "This will allow him to be recaptured later by a true multilateral coalition led by the United Nations."
The former Vermont governor noted that U.S. forces acted pre-emptively to surround the area where Mr. Hussein had hidden, and declined the former Iraqi leader's offer to negotiate.
"It's just another example of cowboy diplomacy," he said. "The Bush administration's ignorance in foreign policy and military matters is stunning. Did they read Mr. Hussein his Miranda rights? Did he get his phone call? Was there even a search warrant? We in the global community demand the justice that only the United Nations can legitimately deliver."
UPDATE (2003-12-14): ScrappleFace revives the "Encourage Our Troops" thread, just in time for the holidays. Please share your encouragement, prayers and well-wishes for the defenders of freedom who stand vigil in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere around the world.
Go right to Comment Section.
UPDATE III: The encouragement continues to pour in for our troops -- 629 comments at this writing (3/19/2003). Take a moment now to say 'thanks' to the defenders of freedom. Remember them in prayer.
UPDATE II: As of this morning (3/17/2003), more than 430 ScrappleFace readers have used the comment section on this item to encourage our troops. The editor has moved the item to the top again to make sure more readers avail themselves of this opportunity.
UPDATE: As of 3/13/2003, more than 300 ScrappleFace readers have posted comments here to encourage our troops. The Washington Post's Cindy Webb has mentioned this in the last paragraph of a story today(3/13/2003). Our troops stationed in the Persian Gulf region are beginning to hear about this, so another reader has suggested this post be moved to the top of the blog again.
So let it be done.
ORIGINAL POST: (3/10/2003)
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
A reader has suggested that ScrappleFace provide a comment section for encouraging messages to our troops serving to defend our freedoms and to protect from tyranny the people of Iraq and the world.
So, as a public service, ScrappleFace offers the comment section under this item for that specific purpose. The many military personnel who read ScrappleFace regularly are sure to forward this to their colleagues.
[Note: If you are opposed to U.S. military action in Iraq or elsewhere, you are welcome to post a comment under a relevant story, but please leave this comment section to those who want to offer support, encouragement, love and prayers to our troops.]
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(2003-12-13) -- A decade-long, multimillion dollar effort to 'Free Willy' has finally succeeded.
The beloved movie star killer whale, whose real name was Keiko, captured the hearts and minds of the global community as environmentalists attempted to mimic the finale of the movie by returning the captive orca to his natural environment.
"We're happy to announce that Keiko died this week of pneumonia off the coast of Norway," said a spokesman for the Free Willy-Keiko Foundation. "Although we were never able to break his co-dependency on humans we have finally succeeded in getting him to behave a bit like a wild orca again. Just like so many of his oceangoing brethren, Keiko stopped breathing and became food for scavengers. It was an intensely natural thing for a whale to do. It's really a triumph of science and human compassion."
Future donations to the Free Willy-Keiko Foundation will go toward an effort to return the Disney star, Nemo, to the wild.
(2003-12-12) -- The American soldier who fired 100 rounds to halt the advance of a speeding, bomb-laden car, saving the lives of countless American troops last week was relieved to learn today that he would not be court martialed or fined for improper use of force.
The Army specialist was cleared on the same day that Lt. Col. Allen West was fined $5,000 for threatening an Iraqi with a gun during an August interrogation which yielded information that thwarted an attack on an American troop convoy.
"When I heard that Lt. Col. West was hit with a fine for firing a weapon near a prisoner, I thought I was cooked," said the soldier. "I actually discharged my weapon into the vehicle and may have wounded the driver before he set off the bomb that injured about 60 of us. I'm glad to hear that, at least in this case, it was okay to defend the men in your unit."
(2003-12-12) -- Congressional Democrats today accused Vice President Dick Cheney of personally ordering the Defense Department audit which discovered a $61 million discrepancy in charges for fuel deliveries in Iraq by a Halliburton subsidiary.
"Cheney helped Halliburton get the no-bid contract, and by ordering this audit he helped them get more international publicity," said an unnamed House Democrat. "The Halliburton name is in headlines around the world, and in every newscast. You can't buy advertising like that. Cheney has turned Halliburton into a global household name like Coca-Cola."
Mr. Cheney, released the following statement by secure text-messaging from an undisclosed location: "I had no influence over the Pentagon contract with Halliburton. I did not order the audit of Halliburton. There is no ongoing relationship between me and Halliburton, which is listed as HAL on the New York Stock Exchange. Ask your stock broker for a prospectus. This text message does not constitute an offer to sell or the solicitation of an offer to buy any security and shall not constitute an offer, solicitation or sale in any jurisdiction in which such offering would be unlawful."
(2003-12-11) -- In November 2004, Election Day will actually last two days thanks to yesterday's Supreme Court decision upholding the ban on so-called 'soft money' contributions to political parties.
Overnight polling shows that voter confidence in the electoral process has skyrocketed since the Court affirmed the major elements of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 (often called McCain-Feingold).
"Now that the pernicious influence of wealthy donors has been removed from the process, I plan to vote for the first time in my life," said an unnamed 45-year-old New York resident. His remark echoed the survey results.
Indeed party officials expect voter registration rolls to swell exponentially before next November, and voter turnout to rival the most recent elections in Cuba and Iraq. That's why they've extended the balloting for a second full day.
"Finally, we have a representative democracy in its purest form," said Democrat National Committee chair Terry McAuliffe. "Now, George Soros and Joe Sixpack stand on level ground at the ballot box."
A spokesman for MoveOn.org (which is not a political party) agreed with Mr. McAuliffe.
(2003-12-10) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today said that some items and services are exempt from the Iraq reconstruction bid ban imposed by the United States on countries which did not support the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.
"In the interest of strengthening our friendships, France, Germany and Russia will be permitted to bid on some things," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "For example, we have a pressing need for more of those terrific human shields. There were a lot of them around before the war, but we can't find them now. While we're figuring out where Saddam hid them, we would welcome some French, German or Russian human shields."
Mr. Rumsfeld said that Halliburton and Bechtel did not wish to bid on the human shield contract, "so that gives our old European allies a clean shot at it."
(2003-12-10) -- ABC News anchor Ted Koppel, who moderated last night's Democrat presidential debate, announced this morning that he was withdrawing from the 2004 presidential debate moderator race.
His sudden departure leaves Tom Brokaw, Judy Woodruff, Brian Williams, Brit Hume and Anderson Cooper in the battle for moderator-in-chief. Ashleigh Banfield has repeatedly denied rumors that she would enter the fray.
"When I got into this, I had a dream to really change the tone of discourse in America and I think I've accomplished that," said Mr. Koppel, "I didn't want this to be about my pride or stubbornness detracting from the real issues of importance to America. It was becoming a so-called 'vanity campaign' and I had to face that fact."
The disarray at Disney, ABC's parent company, compounded Mr. Koppel's personal challenges, which included a public perception of aloofness due to his brusque speaking style, and persistent speculation about his hair.
A crestfallen Mark Halperin, the ABC News political director, said Mr. Koppel had kept his plans hidden from even his closest advisors.
"I knew something had to give, but I wasn't ready for this," said Mr. Halperin. "We just weren't able to generate excitement at the grassroots viewer level. Of course, Ted will endorse one of the remaining moderators after the field thins out a bit."
(2003-12-09) -- Former presidential candidate Al Gore this afternoon said he was tricked into endorsing Howard Dean and had intended to back his former running mate, Senator Joseph Lieberman. Mr. Dean allegedly imitated Mr. Lieberman's voice in a late night phone call to Mr. Gore, and invited him to Harlem to announce his endorsement.
"By the time I realized that I wasn't endorsing Joe, I was already there at the podium with Howard," said Mr. Gore. "It was embarrassing, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was already out there."
In a scene reminiscent of the story of Jacob and Esau from the Bible, Mr. Lieberman came in at the end of Mr. Gore's speech and pleaded with him.
"Have you not reserved an endorsement for me?" cried Mr. Lieberman. "Do you have only one endorsement to give? Endorse me also, Al."
But Mr. Gore remained stoic.
"Howard came deceitfully and has taken away your endorsement," he said. "I have virtually made him the Democrat nominee, and he shall rule over you."
(2003-12-09) -- When Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao meets with U.S. President George Bush today the two leaders will sign an international trade agreement worth billions.
The Bush administration has agreed to import China's Taiwan policy in a co-branding deal that provides the United States with a sharper diplomatic tool than its obsolete "strategic ambiguity" policy.
The agreement puts the coveted Made in China seal on yet another product sold in the U.S..
"Americans have come to respect the craftsmanship of the Chinese in almost every area of their lives," said an unnamed State Department spokesman. "Using China's existing Taiwan policy will save us millions in research and development costs that it would take to develop our own. Plus, we'll avoid the time-consuming debates about liberty, freedom, self-determination and the like."
(2003-12-09) -- The new internet telephone service which Time Warner plans to offer to its 18 million cable subscribers will be cheaper than regular phone service thanks to 30-second ads which will interrupt calls every 12 minutes.
"If we've learned anything in the cable TV business, it's that people are willing to pay a handsome monthly subscription fee and still sit through lots of ads," said a Time Warner spokesman. "Our great media synergy capabilities will allow you to call your Aunt Ethel, and periodically be entertained by promos for HBO's Carnivŕle or CNN's Larry King Live."
The price-per-minute of all calls will be the same, the unnamed spokesman said, but long distance and international calls will feature more advertising. Each promo will end with an offer to "Press 3, and watch this program now." Pressing the phone button will turn on the television to the correct channel, and end the phone call.
"The immediacy of this medium is breathtaking," said the source. "Most of the ads will be for shows that are running right now. So, we can rescue you from those 'I don't know how to end this call' situations. In mere moments, you'll forget you even knew that person, as we just entertain your socks off. It's just one more way that Time Warner simplifies and enhances your life, by reducing the time you have to spend with real people."
(2003-12-08) -- Itinerant college professor Al Gore has reportedly signed a major endorsement deal with presidential hopeful Howard Dean valued at "somewhere in the Tiger Woods-Nike range," according to Donna Brazile, Mr. Gore's 2000 campaign manager.
"Al Gore brings a Dick Cheneyesque gravitas to the Dean campaign," said Ms. Brazile. "Yet few Democrats can stir the passions of voters the way Gore does. I think that of all the Al Gores I've known, this new one is the most exciting yet. He's worth whatever Dean is paying to get him."
The endorsement contract calls for Mr. Gore to make commercials and public appearances during which he'll say he thinks Mr. Dean is superior to the eight other Democrat presidential candidates including Senator Joseph Lieberman, whom Mr. Gore chose as his running mate in 2000.
In public, Mr. Gore will wear Dean apparel and put his personal signature on several of Mr. Dean's more popular issues. The Dean campaign hopes the Gore endorsement deal will make their candidate more appealing to "hip intellectuals" in addition to the Dean support base of angry metrosexuals.
(2003-12-08) -- Officials of the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) today reversed a previous decision and ruled that the No. 3 USC Trojans will face the No. 2 LSU Tigers in the Sugar Bowl for the national championship of NCAA Division I football.
Initially, BCS computer calculations had pitted the No. 1 University of Oklahoma Sooners against Louisiana State University (LSU) in the battle for the national title.
However, that was before BCS officials added football player graduation rates to the calculations. While LSU graduates 57 percent of its players and USC issues diplomas to 48 percent, the Sooners' graduation rate is only six percent.
"Everyone knows that the NCAA cares more about academics than athletics," said a BCS spokesman. "This just proves that we let nothing stand in the way of promoting a quality education for every student athlete. If we were to let the Sooners contend for the title, what would that say about what's important in the National Collegiate Athletic Association?"
(2003-12-08) -- A youth-oriented lobbyist group will use a photograph of today's Medicare reform law signing ceremony to raise money for efforts to overturn the most expensive elements of the $400 billion entitlement expansion.
A spokesman for the American Association of Far-From-Retired Persons (AAFFRP) said the picture (shown below) illustrates how "old people feel about spending our money to benefit themselves."
AAFFRP got the idea from pro-abortion groups which used the male-dominated picture of the partial-birth abortion law signing ceremony to rile their members and boost donations.
"Look at those geezers yucking it up as they spend their grandchildren's money to buy their prescription drugs," said the unnamed spokesman. "Our members will be furious when they see this image. They'll send us money, and they might become so enraged that they'll actually vote in the next election."
(2003-12-08) -- Aides to Democrat presidential hopeful John F. Kerry say that their candidate will be "in the thick of things" after the January 27 New Hampshire primary if Mr. Kerry "can still fog a mirror."
"As long as his body is above room temperature it will be a win for Kerry," said campaign spokesman Michael Meehan. "On the heart monitor, we're looking for a wiggle above flatline. No matter what the ballot box numbers are, if Senator Kerry is still breathing on January 28, he's still in the hunt as far as we're concerned."
While campaign aides previously said New Hampshire was a "must win" for the Massachusetts junior senator, they now point out what a tiny percentage of the nation's population lives in the "granite state."
"When you look at the size of New Hampshire, it takes a lot of temerity to even call it a state," said Mr. Meehan. "It's really a pathetic little fringe colony. No wonder Howard Dean is ahead by 30 points in the polls. They don't even have an NFL franchise -- sad."
Mr. Meehan added that Iowa and South Carolina should not be consider "all that" either.
"We're in this to win the nomination," he said. "These ridiculous little so-called state primaries are just an annoyance on the way to the Kerry coronation in Boston."
(2003-12-05) -- Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb today attributed his team's playoff berth to sports media people who were "very desirous that a black quarterback do well," as radio host Rush Limbaugh remarked earlier this season.
"If it hadn't been for all the hype about me in the sports press, we'd never be 10-3 now," said Mr. McNabb. "Rush Limbaugh was right that there are people in the sports media who are eager for a black quarterback to succeed. But I don't think Rush realized that in the NFL, it's the sportswriters and TV personalities who win games for you."
Mr. McNabb put up impressive numbers yesterday in the Eagles' 36-10 victory over the Dallas Cowboys, completing 19 of 35 passes for 248 yards and three touchdowns.
Although Mr. McNabb gave the media all the credit for his team's success, he had no explanation for how the Cowboys lost despite the fact that their quarterback, Quincy Carter, is black, and that some in the media are "very desirous that Dallas reclaim its title as America's team."
(2003-12-07) -- In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Democrat presidential candidate Senator John F. Kerry finally revealed what his middle initial signifies. Long a matter of speculation among political pundits, the initial seemed to suggest a connection with John F. Kennedy.
The "F" in Kennedy's name stood for Fitzgerald, but in the upcoming Rolling Stone issue Mr. Kerry uses a different "F" word. Pronunciation of the middle name is still unclear since, in most newspaper reports, it consists mostly of hyphens. The name was apparently passed down through the family, since after the Senator revealed it, he said, "Pardon my French."
(2003-12-05) -- With factory inventories of flu vaccine completely depleted, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have issued an alert recommending "abstinence."
"Our official CDC guidelines suggest Americans completely abstain from influenza," said a CDC spokesman. "Not getting the flu is the only 100-percent effective method to guarantee that you won't need the vaccine. Since we're all out of the serum, we're issuing this alert to reduce the demand for it."
The CDC also announced that it had raised the Homeland Influenza Index to "Orange" due to increased "chatter" in the media about the flu.
"Orange signifies that the index is higher than yellow, but not as high as red," according to the spokesman. "Since the influenza virus is invisible, odorless and omnipresent, we suggest that Americans take appropriate precautions."
(2003-12-05) -- Survey results released today reveal that citizens of Taiwan would reject a proposal to withdrawal ballistic missiles aimed at them from the Chinese mainland.
President Chen Shui-bian of Taiwan had announced recently that he would hold a referendum about the missiles in March 2004.
But the poll, taken by the People's Republic Polling Agency, showed that 98.7 percent of Taiwanese feel "comforted" that their future lies in the hands of Communist leaders in Beijing. Slightly more than 99.5 percent of Taiwanese also oppose any effort to get China to renounce the use of force against their island.
The People's Republic Polling Agency said the survey consisted of several interviews with Chinese government bureacrats in Beijing yesterday.
"The poll has no margin of error," according to a spokesman, "since Taiwan is one with China, there is no need to interview people on the island to find out what they think. Chinese government officials are in perfect harmony with the wishes of the Taiwanese."
(2003-12-05) -- In an effort to unify the nation behind a "great goal," President George Bush in his State of the Union speech next month will challenge Congress to fund his plan to feed all of America's hungry children on the moon by 2009.
A working draft of the speech has the President saying, "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing all of America's hungry children on the moon and feeding them three square meals a day from the bountiful harvest of the lunar soil."
Karl Rove, the president's political advisor, crafted the "synergistic iniative as the ultimate election year ploy," according to an unnamed senior White House official.
"Democrats can't vote against feeding hungry children," said the official. "Republicans will get credit for creating another huge new entitlement, plus we get to go back to the moon. Talk about compassionate conservatism! It's the best of John Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson all rolled into one."
(2003-12-04) -- A top political advisor to Democrat presidential candidate Dick Gephardt came under fire from union leaders yesterday for violating union work rules regarding blackmail.
Joyce Aboussie, the vice chair of Mr. Gephardt's presidential campaign, allegedly issued an "ultimatum" to two unions, threatening to call for the repeal of collective-bargaining rights for Missouri state workers if the unions endorsed rival Howard Dean.
"Our work rules clearly specify that only a designated union representative may use threats to exert political pressure," said a spokesman for the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME). "Joyce Aboussie does not even have a union card, let alone the union certification to do what she attempted. We're reporting the Gephardt campaign to the National Labor Relations Board."
(2003-12-04) -- American military morale hit an all-time low this week in the wake of revelations that President George Bush didn't serve a display turkey to hungry troops during his surprise visit to Baghdad last week. Political experts have already dubbed the episode 'turkeygate', and predict that the effect of this latest Bush administration scandal will be even more devastating than the outing of Valerie Plame.
"When I went home after dinner that night, I wrote a letter to my wife about how proud I was to fight for liberty," said an unnamed Army staff sergeant, "but when I learned that not a single soldier ate the display turkey, even though the president was photographed holding it, my faith in democracy was shattered."
Another soldier added, "We suddenly realized that we're risking our lives to defend a lie. He mocked us with the pretty bird, then served us the common steamtable turkey. What good is freedom, if you can't trust your leaders?"
(2003-12-03) -- Crowds of obese people took to the streets of Cincinnati tonight to protest the death of Nathaniel Jones. The 350-pound man died over the weekend during a violent struggle with local police while he was high on cocaine and PCP. The Hamilton County Coroner ruled the death a homicide, but said that doesn't mean the police did anything wrong.
But the coroner's explanation did little to calm the growing tension in the predominantly-obese neighborhood where Mr. Jones lived. Hundreds of people ranging in weight from 300-to-520 pounds chanted slogans as they slowly marched two blocks to the steps of police headquarters, stopping several times to catch their breath.
"I saw the video of those skinny cops wailing on Nathaniel with those clubs," said one unnamed protester. "They beat him because they're prejudiced. They hate fat people. Those cops are nothing but a bunch of pencil-necks."
One immense young man held a sign that said, "Police Brutality is a Huge Problem." A portly grandmother waved a placard which read: "I Can't Weight for Equal Justice."
Protest organizers said they'll demand an independent investigation of Mr. Jones' death, and get a court order requiring the Cincinnati police force to increase hiring of morbidly-obese officers.
(2003-12-03) -- U.S. Education Secretary Rod Paige today praised a Texas achievement test on which Houston students have shown dramatic improvement, despite their continued mediocre performance on a similar national assessment.
Mr. Paige served as superintendent of schools in Houston before President George Bush brought him to Washington in hopes of replicating Houston's success nationwide through the 'No Child Left Behind' program.
Today's New York Times reports that while Houston students showed major gains over several years on the Texas Assessement of Academic Skills (TAAS), their Stanford Achievement Test scores showed little improvement.
"For decades, educators have yearned for a test that would show that the billions of dollars we pour into public schooling actually have an impact," said Mr. Paige. "This Texas test is the Holy Grail of public education. If other school systems will simply adopt this test, and the curriculum that prepares students for it, they too may appear to improve."
The real challenge in public education, said Mr. Paige, has never been to prepare productive citizens of our republic who are able to think and learn on their own.
"The challenge has always been to come up with statistics that guarantee increased funding levels," he said. "The Texas test is a cutting-edge assessment tool whose results can be measured in real taxpayer dollars. With this test, no NEA bargaining unit will be left behind."
(2003-12-02) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he's grateful to the journalists who reported that he had received the 2003 Foot in Mouth award from Britain's Plain English campaign.
Mr. Rumsfeld earned the prize for remarks he made at a February 2002 news conference: "Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know," Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters. "We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
When informed that he had won the award today, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "I want to thank all the news organizations that ran the story about this award. Because we know there are real news stories; important things folks should know. We also know there are unreal news stories; that is to say we know that an unnamed source planted a made-up story with an unwitting reporter. But there are also unreal non-news stories -- which is what professional journalists write while they're waiting to be hand-fed another insignificant leaked memo by an unnamed know-nothing nobody."
(2003-12-02) -- Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today picked up another big labor endorsement. The former Vermont governor's candidacy is already backed by the largest American unions for both service workers (SEIU) and government employees (AFSCME). This time the pledge of support came from what was formerly one of the world's most powerful unions -- the Soviet Union.
In hindsight, it was no coincidence that Mr. Dean mentioned the union four times during an interview yesterday on the MSNBC show 'Hardball.' When asked what he would do about Iran, Mr. Dean said,"The key, I believe, to Iran, is pressure through the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union is supplying much of the equipment that Iran I believe mostly likely is using to set itself along the path of developing nuclear weapons. We need to use that leverage with the Soviet Union, and it may require us buying the equipment the Soviet Union was ultimately going to sell to Iran, to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons."
A spokesman for the Soviet Union said that Mr. Dean's suggestion that the government buy union-made goods was influential in the group's decision to back his White House bid.
"We know Howard was trolling for an endorsement," said the unnamed source, "but that's the way the game is played. Frankly, we're flattered that he mentioned us on national TV. These days, even when we do get attention, people call us 'the former Soviet Union' as if we're a relic of a bygone era. Comrade Dean has demonstrated his solidarity with the Soviet Union, and we plan to return the favor in 2004."
(2003-12-01) -- In what is described as the "next wave of compassionate conservatism" President George Bush today threw his support behind government financing of the proposed new liberal radio network. The move comes just a week after Republicans in Congress pushed through a Medicare reform bill that created a huge new taxpayer-funded prescription drug benefit.
The network, which will feature talkshows hosted by the likes of Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo, is scheduled to begin broadcasting in the spring of 2004.
Mr. Bush today said he favors "a $400 billion flat-out government grant" to Progress Media, the company behind the liberal radio network.
"I have no idea how we'll pay for that, but our nation's liberals are entitled to an outlet for their views," said Mr. Bush. "They represent the great generation that built the Great Society, which is what they used to call compassionate conservatism back in the 1960s."
(2003-12-01) -- A strike by French diplomats poses the greatest threat to world peace since the emergence of the Third Reich, according to U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. About 80 percent of France's 154 embassies are affected by the work stoppage to protest budget cut backs.
"If the French stop talking," Mr. Rumsfeld said, "the fragile infrastructure of geopolitical security could collapse. Remember, Iraq was an oasis of tranquility for 12 years thanks largely to French diplomacy. I shudder to think of who might unilaterally rush into the vacuum of silence created by a prolonged strike by French diplomats."
Mr. Rumsfeld added: "We can only take solace in the fact that the United Nations remains open for business."
(2003-12-01) -- Although the Bush administration plans to drop tariffs designed to protect American steel producers, a senior administration official said the President will also announce a new measure to protect the NFL's Pittsburgh Steelers.
"It will just be a short-term thing, to help them get back on their feet," said the unnamed White House official. "Basically, any team that plays the Steelers will begin the game with a 10-point deficit."
Even with the 10-point 'tariff', the official noted, many opponents will still defeat the Steelers (4-8), "but we're hoping the point spreads will be less humiliating."
(2003-12-01) -- An embarrassed Senator John McCain, R-AZ, today apologized to members of the U.S. Navy's version of Alcoholics Anonymous for comparing Congressional spending to that of "a drunken sailor."
"It was a mean, insensitive remark," said Mr. McCain. "A drunken sailor could never spend as much money as Congress has, with that kind of speed. My analogy was also wrong because a drunken sailor usually spends his own paycheck."
In related news, Mr. McCain, who chairs the Senate Commerce Committee, said he hopes that Americans enjoy the pre-Christmas shopping season.
"Everyone should get out to the stores and malls and spend money like an incumbent legislator," he said.
