(2003-10-31) -- Reports today of the death of the world's oldest person turned out to be a hoax, as authorities discovered that the world still has an 'oldest person.'
"As long as at least one human remains on earth, we'll always have the world's oldest person," said an unnamed expert in gerontology. "So, the next time you read a headline that says 'World's Oldest Person Dies,' don't believe it. If these lazy reporters would just do a little research they would find that during all of recorded history, the world has never lacked an oldest person."
(2003-10-31) -- Presidential candidate Howard Dean has charged rival Sen. John Kerry, D-MA, with "metrosexual discrimination" claiming Mr. Kerry is trying to deprive him of employment.
The charge comes despite the fact that Mr. Dean appears conflicted about his sexual identity -- first declaring himself a metrosexual, then denying that he even knows the meaning of the word, then saying he is a "square."
"It's really daunting for a candidate to 'come out of the subway' about his metrosexuality," said an unnamed psychologist at New York University.
The term refers to a "dandyish narcissist in love not only with himself, but also with his urban lifestyle; a straight man who is in touch with his feminine side."
Mr. Kerry said he's not trying to deprive Mr. Dean of the job on the basis of his metrosexuality.
"I'm not a discriminator," said Mr. Kerry. "I think Howard is wrong for the job, and I would say that even if he were a homosexual."
(2003-10-31) -- The latest figures on decreased jobless claims and a huge increase in third-quarter Gross Domestic Product (GDP) signal a continuation of the Clinton-Gore economic boom, according to an expert.
"After a brief two year 'hiccup' the wisdom of Clinton-Gore still shines through," said one unnamed itinerant professor who has taught at the University of California Los Angeles, Columbia University, Fisk University and Middle Tennessee State University. "Any time economic indicators are this good, you can take it as an article of faith that it's the legacy of the two best men ever elected President -- Bill Clinton and Al Gore."
(2003-10-30) -- The Senate version of the Head Start reform bill would rename and 're-mission' the Great Society program. Instead of trying to prepare poor children for school in hopes of enhancing achievement, 'Slow Start' will enroll children from middle-class and wealthy families and attempt to "confuse and de-motivate them" so that they won't excel their peers from low-income families.
'Slow Start' is part of the Democrat party's new 'No Child Leaved Ahead' program, designed to prevent underachievers from suffering self-esteem drainage when they note the superior performance of their classmates.
"Our nation was founded on equality," said Massachusetts Senator Edward M. Kennedy. "But the poor kids will never catch up if we don't do something to trip up the rich kids."
Mr. Kennedy expects that enrollment in the 'Slow Start' program will exceed Head Start in its first year.
"Most well-off people have just lucked into their money," said the Senator. "They feel guilty about how their clever little prodigies always bust the grading curve. They would love to do something to level the playing field, and they're willing to stoop to conquer inequality."
(2003-10-30) -- Fannie Mae's Washington, D.C., home at 3900 Wisconsin Avenue, NW, was repossessed this morning by her mortgage lender after a series of accounting blunders ruined her credit.
A spokesman for the mortgage holder said, "We would do the same thing to anyone who made a $1 billion mistake. Fannie Mae's home has become a high-risk loan, so we called the loan, but Fannie wasn't sure she had enough money to pay it off, so we did the repo."
Fannie Mae provides a secondary market for mortgages, buying loans from mortgage lenders and selling them to investors to free up money for additional home loans.
"She says she's 'in the American dream business'," the spokesman added. "But she can't seem manage her own household."
Democrats in Congress have already introduced legislation to provide housing for Fannie Mae, along with several billion dollars "just until she gets through this rough spot in her life."
(2003-10-29) -- Presidential candidate Howard Dean today renounced his previous confession of metrosexuality, and officially declared himself a 'metropopulist' -- a hot new buzzphrase for politicians who are "in touch with their average American side".
"I'm a wealthy former medical internist who also served as governor," said Mr. Dean, "So, I'm the ultimate power-elite insider. But that don't mean I can't relate to 'Joe and Jennifer Sixpack' -- you know, the average working stiffs."
While a metrosexual is a "dandyish narcissist" in love with himself and his lifestyle, a metropopulist becomes enamored with his own campaign-generated media image as a kind of noble savage.
"Sometimes I look in the mirror," said Mr. Dean, "and I roll up my sleeves and flex my neck muscles until the veins stand out, and I say to myself, 'Howie, you are one righteous prole! You're just like the little people who send you money through the Internet.' O yeah! I know what you want from government.'"
(2003-10-29) -- House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, slammed the Bush administration today for its wholesale slaughter of illegal aliens during "terrorizing raids" at 61 Wal-Mart stores nationwide last week.
According to Rep. Pelosi, federal agents posed as Wal-Mart associates and used remotely-detonated shopping carts packed with C-4 explosive to "send a message" to illegal immigrants.
She described the agents as "blue-vested thugs" and called on the International Criminal Court at the Hague to prosecute the Bush administration under global anti-terror law.
(2003-10-29) -- The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) today filed suit against the Bush administration, claiming that the annual White House Ramadan feast is an "egregious breach of the separation of church and state."
"This is worse than saying 'under God' during the Pledge at public school," said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. "The President himself hosted this explicitly-Muslim feast in the peoples' house -- the White House. Taxpayer dollars were used to pay for some or all of the food, the decorations, the staff. Forcing the people to pay for a religious event is unconstitutional."
The traditional feast, or Iftar, breaks the daily fast during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. President Bush began the tradition of hosting an Iftar in 2001.
Keynote speaker General William 'Jerry' Boykin, the undersecretary of defense in charge of finding Osama bin Laden, called the Iftar a "battle between food and eater, with a predictable outcome."
Meanwhile, several Muslim Imams marked the occasion by denouncing Islamic terrorism and calling on faithful Muslims to turn over Osama bin Laden, his deputies and financiers to the United States to face charges in the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington.
(2003-10-28) -- Michael Schiavo, the Florida man fighting to have the feeding tube removed from his comatose wife, has fallen into a "persistent carnivorative state," according to an unnamed family doctor.
"He's unresponsive," said one physician familiar with his case. "When you talk about the importance of human life or the effects of slow starvation on his wife, Terri, he just glazes over. He has no comprehension. I don't think he could live more than 10 days cut off from the hope of a huge cash influx."
However, Mr. Schiavo's girlfriend insists he has more brain function than his behavior would indicate. She said he usually knows when other people are in the room and just this week she induced him to follow a $20 bill with his eyes.
"Terri's desire was that Michael would never have to live without wealth or extramarital female companionship," the unnamed girlfriend said.
Experts say few patients ever emerge from persistent carnivorative states because they're totally dependent upon increasing quantities of liquid assets.
(2003-10-27) -- In Iraq, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan began yesterday with solemn acts of worship to Allah -- like fasting, praying and detonating.
"During this time we demonstrate our devotion to Allah through actions that emphasize the peaceful nature of Islam," said one unnamed Imam, a Muslim cleric. "Today, our brothers have made it possible for dozens of people to rest in peace...Allah be praised. We are grateful to the American occupiers for allowing us to freely practice our religion."
(2003-10-27) -- The New York Times today announced the hiring of Daniel Okrent as its first "public editor," a kind of reader's representative. Mr. Okrent is perhaps best known as the "Founder and Former Commissioner-for-Life" of Rotisserie League Baseball, one of the earliest of the so-called "fantasy" sports leagues that allow ordinary people to pretend they own professional sports franchises.
In his first public act as public editor, Mr. Okrent announced the formation of the Rotisserie Journalism League (RJL), a new game which allows ordinary people to pretend they run the newsroom of The New York Times or any of dozens of other news organizations.
As a fantasy "Editor-in-Chief" an RJL player will hire and fire "real" journalists, or simply move them to different departments when their integrity is questioned, said Mr. Okrent. The RJL web site will monitor daily newsstand sales, circulation figures, Arbitron and Nielsen ratings, Pulitzer Prizes and Emmy Awards as well as plagiarism and libel lawsuits and out-of-court settlements. The "Editor-in-Chief" will be rewarded or punished according to the perceived integrity of his roster, and his ability to shield sources and newsroom operations from the scrutiny of other players.
"You lose points if one of your reporters invents quotations from a source he never really interviewed," said Mr. Okrent. "But you gain points if he actually locates an expert source to express the reporter's own opinion in a way that makes the story seem objective. In journalism, that's what we call 'hustle'."
The former managing editor of Life magazine and of Time Inc.'s new media operations, Mr. Okrent said RJL bonus points will be awared to players who can hire an ombudsman who worked for the world's largest media company and yet successfully portray him as "an objective outsider...a real man of the people."
(2003-10-26) -- The public relations nightmare continues for the U.S. Department of Defense with the discovery of a recording of a top Pentagon official who allegedly believes that the war against terror is about "Darwinian survival of the fittest" and that Muslim terrorists are "less fit."
The unnamed Army general can be heard on audiotape telling a group of scientists, "We must pass on our genes, and cull the weak and the defective from the species. Terrorists threaten our DNA legacy by killing indiscriminately which plays havoc with natural selection. That's why we're superior to them, and we must survive at their expense. If we allow them to live, the whole Darwinian scheme will collapse, as the best and brightest fall under the sword of the mentally derelict."
This revelation comes in the wake of the scandal surrounding General William "Jerry" Boykin who has told church groups that he believes the war against terror is about good versus evil, that the real enemy is Satan and that the god of a particular Somali warlord was an "idol". Pentagon public relations staffers are still trying to figure out why Gen. Boykin, an adherent to the Christian faith, doesn't believe that there are other real gods who are all equal to Jesus Christ.
"Monotheists really need to be more pluralistic in their theology," said one Pentagon PR assistant. "It's okay to believe that Jesus is the only way, but you don't have to be so narrow minded about it. Why can't Islam and all the other religions be other only ways?"
(2003-10-26) -- With Florida State's win over Wake Forest yesterday coach Bobby Bowden overtook Penn State's Joe Paterno, becoming the winningest coach in Division 1-A football history. Within hours after Mr. Paterno led his squad to its sixth loss of the season, Penn State announced the veteran coach had been fired.
While the termination of the legendary "JoePa" will shock Nittany Lion fans from Happy Valley to the Napa Valley, administrators were quick to say that the parting was amicable, with a severance package that adequately compensates the coach for his half-century of service to the University.
Details of the deal are still sketchy, but the coach will allegedly receive his current salary for life and will take possession of the 107,000-seat Beaver Stadium, a nearby 15,000-seat indoor arena, half of the library and dozens of buildings on campus which have been built through Mr. Paterno's influence and fundraising prowess.
For the remainder of the season, the head coaching vacancy will be filled by a lifesize cardboard cutout called "Stand Up Joe". An assistant coach will carry the replica up and down the sidelines during games to simulate Mr. Paterno's trademark pacing.
(2003-10-26) -- Just hours after their champagne-soaked victory celebration in the decisive game six of the baseball World Series, the Florida Marlins have agreed to sell their championship trophy to the New York Yankees for an undisclosed amount.
"I was a little surprised at the Yankees' offer," said Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, "but we could use the cash to beef up our roster."
Despite outspending their Series opponent 3-to-1 on player payroll, the Yankees got only five hits and failed to score a run in the 2-0 loss in their home stadium last night. New York started the season #1 in the league with a $150 million dollar annual payroll. The Marlins began with $50 million and a 25th out of 30 ranking.
Florida plays its home games in a reconfigured football stadium before regular season crowds averaging 16,290 -- the third lowest in Major League Baseball. The Yankees average attendance was 42,785 this season -- number one in the league.
"We were humiliated by poor homeless bums," said Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. "But we haven't won 26 championships by being tightwads. I made up my mind last week that the trophy would come to New York one way or another. I consider it a tribute to the population density of this media market."
(2003-10-25) -- A new study in the scientific Journal of Predetermining Assumptions (JPA) suggests that men who commit adultery bear "markers" in their DNA which make such behavior "biologically irresistible."
The finding holds implications for "America's pre-occupation with monogamous marriage," according to the lead researcher on the study. It was similar to other research which indicated a possible genetic predisposition to homosexuality.
The data also showed that so-called "lusting" after other women is determined by the occurrence of a "Y" chromosome in the human genetic pattern.
"What this means is that society can no longer shun or discourage adulterers and leering perverts," said the unnamed scientist. "It's part of the genetic make-up of almost all males, so therefore it's okay. Our laws must change to reflect this new knowledge. Why should a man have to stay devoted to one woman alone, when in his heart he hears the Siren song of the biological imperative?"
(2003-10-24) -- The man who survived a trip over Niagara Falls last week has become the 10th Democrat running for President.
Yesterday, Kirk Jones was asked by DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe to throw his hat in the ring because of his recent notoriety.
"Everybody in America has heard of this guy," said Mr. McAuliffe. "With his outlook on life, we knew he must be a Democrat. And although he's a little more cheerful than most of our current candidates, we think he'll go over well with the party faithful."
Mr. Jones, a former auto-parts salesman, said he's "eager to take the plunge into politics" and will meet with former President Bill Clinton over the weekend to find out where he's going to stand on the issues.
A flash poll taken among likely Democrat voters this morning indicates Mr. Jones has already leaped ahead of Wesley Clark and Howard Dean.
(2003-10-24) -- Google, the Internet search company which plans to conduct its initial public offering (IPO) of stock as an online auction, says it will use its trademark 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button to lure investors who love Internet stocks.
"The problem with Google is that we're already profitable," said an unnamed company spokesman. "We were afraid many Internet investors would sit this one out. I mean these are people who liked to bet on things like Webvan.com and Pets.com. A strong balance sheet discourages many of them. It sounds boring. The 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button will restore the thrill of risk for these people."
During the IPO, investors can simply type 'IPO' in the search box, hit the 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button, and a complicated algorithm will determine their identity and the available balance in their PayPal account, then it will automatically execute the purchase.
"Some will get five shares, others 5,000," the spokesman said. "If you get stuck with too much, take it to eBay."
(2003-10-23) -- "It's part of our cultural heritage," said the Imam as he gestured toward a huge weapons cache which had just been unearthed by U.S. troops next to an Iraqi mosque.
"American churches often have cemeteries," said the unnamed Muslim cleric. "We have rockets, artillery rounds, mortars, blasting caps and C-4 explosives next to our worship facility. What's so different? It's all about death, we're just more...how do you say?...proactive about it."
(2003-10-23) -- Federal agents raided Wal-Mart stores in 21 states intending to arrest 60 illegal aliens, but instead they left the stores with 300.
"You know how it is with Wal-Mart," said an unnamed spokesman from the federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement office. "You go in there to buy some toilet paper and a jug of milk, and you wind up with a full cart. If we'd have sent our wives on these raids, they would have arrested 900 illegals."
(2003-10-23) -- Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark announced today that he would withdraw his name from all state primaries in 2004.
"When I said I would avoid the Iowa caucuses," said Mr. Clark, "I likened it to Gen. McArthur's World War II strategy of skipping over islands with heavy concentrations of Japanese military, and fighting on the poorly defended ones. Now I'm taking that to the next level by avoiding all primary battles. I will arrive at the Democrat convention fresh, and ready to receive my nomination."
(2003-10-23) -- A second memo written by U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to his top deputies was leaked to the news media today by a "very senior Defense Department official".
Here is the entire text of the memo:
TO: Gen. Dick Myers
Paul Wolfowitz
Gen. Pete Pace
Doug Feith
FROM: Donald Rumsfeld
SUBJECT: Loyalty and Trust in DoD
October 22, 2003
My private memo of October 16, 2003 to the four of you showed up in the news headlines.
You're all fired.
Leak this!
Thanks.
DHR:dh
101503-59
(2003-10-23) -- An overnight poll shows that business leaders nationwide overwhelmingly support the economic stimulus plan announced yesterday by Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark.
The vast majority of those polled agreed that Clark's proposed repeal of the Bush tax cuts for families earning more than $200,000 annually is almost guaranteed to spark a boom in consumer spending that would create more jobs.
Clark's plan calls for using the money recalled from taxpayers to shrink the deficit and boost spending on homeland security, health care, financial aid to states and incentives for businesses to create jobs.
"That's a whole lot better than wasting money by returning it to the taxpayers and taxpaying businesses from whence it came," said an unnamed owner of a small factory near Peculiar, Missouri. "I particularly like the government incentives to create jobs. My company is just so lazy about creating jobs. We need the government to give us a good reason to do it. We've been walking away from sales and leaving orders unfilled because we just don't want the hassle of hiring more people to handle the increased production."
Business leaders also endorsed, by a 4-to-1 margin, Clark's plan to increase financial aid to states.
"We'd love to surrender our tax-cuts so the Federal government can take that money from Missouri and give it to Kansas," the factory owner said. "It's all fair, because they'll be taking money from Kansas to give it to Missouri. Most business leaders agree with Wes Clark that the problem with America is that the money is all in the wrong places. For example, innovative, industrious people have far too much money. That's why we pay Federal employees to rearrange our money, putting it where it wouldn't otherwise naturally go."
As Mr. Clark announced his new plan, he said, "Thanks to George Bush, the Federal government is in a hole. You've heard the old expression 'If you're in a hole, stop digging.' Well, I say 'If you're in a hole that you dug, get someone else to pull you out.' That's the philosophy behind my plan to rescue our democratic bureaucracy."
(2003-10-21) -- In a surprise announcement today, CBS Chairman Les Moonves said his network's movie "The Reagans" will be followed by another presidential biopic, "The Clintons."
Shooting has already commenced on a script that presents "a balanced view" of the Clinton years, similar to the unbiased presentation of Ronald and Nancy Reagan described in today's New York Times. Both biopics will run on CBS during the November ratings sweeps.
Al Franken and Barbra Streisand will star as The Clintons, with Janeane Garofalo as Chelsea and Sean Penn, in a whimsical role, as Sox the Presidential cat. Academy Award-winning documentarist Michael Moore will direct.
Mr. Moonves said that despite the well-known liberal leanings of the cast and crew, "the biopic will be a historically accurate story."
"This was very important for me, to document everything and give a very fair point of view," said Mr. Moonves.
The Times 'acquired' a copy of the final shooting script for The Clintons. Here are some of the key scenes in this "utterly objective" movie:
-- Hillary Clinton (Barbra Streisand) gulps for air as her husband tells her about how Monica Lewinsky is part of a "vast rightwing conspiracy."
-- In a tearful scene, the President (Al Franken) admits that a childhood fear of analgesics led him to order the bombing of an aspirin factory.
-- Newt Gingrich (Carrot Top) sneaks into the White House, under cover of darkness, and hides the billing records from the Rose Law Firm to embarrass the First Lady.
-- Bill Clinton gulps for air as his wife tells him that a vast rightwing conspiracy has scuttled their dream of a government-run universal healthcare program.
-- Mr. Clinton urgently and repeatedly warns his successor, George W. Bush (Will Ferrell), about the danger posed by Osama Bin Laden's al Qaeda terror network.
-- The people of South Korea kneel before a statue of Mr. Clinton and former President Jimmy Carter, honoring them for ridding the Korean peninsula of nuclear weapons forever.
-- Israelis and Palestinians join hands by the thousands and sing "God Bless America," in gratitude for the Clinton-brokered peace accords which finally brought security to the Middle East.
(2003-10-21) -- Iran today agreed to halt all nuclear development and to begin buying oil from the European Union to fuel its power generation plants.
Iranian President Mohammad Khatami said, "We promise not to make nuclear weapons....we swear on a stack of Bibles."
French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) said the EU would provide for Iran's power-generation needs by purchasing oil from Iran then selling it to Iran, losing money on each barrel but making it up in volume.
"The United States could never have negotiated a deal like this," said Mr. de Villepin. "And this breakthrough has nothing to do with the fact that Iranian leaders fear for their regime in the aftermath of the overthrow of Saddam Hussein. This is a success of Europe's peaceful engagement process and our shrewd negotiating skills."
Russian president Vladimir Putin criticized the deal, saying it would allow Iran to be held hostage by "the EU oil czars."
"What Iran so desperately needs is nuclear-generated electricity," said Mr. Putin. "Out of our compassion for the Iranian people, we have sold them millions of dollars worth of uranium enrichment technology, and helped them install it."
Although Iran is among the world's largest producers of petroleum, Mr. Putin said, "You never know when that stuff will run out. Plus it's causing global warming which has created a glut of obsolete fur coats in Russia."
Under the terms of the agreement, Iran has also pledged to give the International Atomic Energy Agency "unlimited tours of non-existent nuclear facilities."
(2003-10-21) -- Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad said today that Jews are ruling his thoughts and speech, compelling him to make anti-Semitic remarks.
At last week's Organization of the Islamic Conference, Mr. Mohamad said that "Jews rule the world by proxy" despite their relatively small numbers. Yesterday, he said that global condemnation of his anti-Semitic remarks proves that "they [Jews] do control the world''.
Today, the Prime Minister said that Jews have taken over his mind and tongue forcing him to say "hateful things" that he doesn't really believe in order to bring shame upon him and his country.
"Anti-Semitism is nothing more than a Jewish mind-control plot to make world leaders sound like anti-Semites," he said. "We are helpless to defend ourselves against these charges, since each defensive comment makes us sound more hateful. It's the Jews fault that I hate them. They want me to hate them, and I cannot resist their control."
(2003-10-20) -- Just one week after the Malaysian Prime Minister declared that "Jews rule the world by proxy", the Jews today ordered the United Nations to outlaw the speaking or writing of Malaysia's official language, Bahasa Melayu.
The U.N. mandate overturns Article 152 of the Malaysian constitution which established Bahasa Melayu has the unquestionable national language.
Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad will have no comment on the new global law until he completes a 13-week course called 'Hebrew as a Second Language'.
(2003-10-20) -- U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan announced today that three of Iraq's major creditors have reached a "compromise in principle" which should start the flow of international aid money to rebuild Iraq.
Under the terms of the deal, France, Germany and Russia would match the U.S. contribution of $20 billion dollars to the reconstruction of Iraq if 15 percent of the funds are used to restore public statues of Saddam Hussein, and if the deposed dictator's face returns to Iraqi currency.
"They're largely symbolic concessions," said Mr. Annan. "But these three nations previously loaned Saddam Hussein billions of dollars because he seemed to be a man of action, a man in control, a man with whom they could do business. Seeing Saddam's image again will give them a nostalgic sense of security that they don't get from a blossoming representative democracy."
The defunct Saddam regime still owes roughly $127 billion in public foreign debt, not including war reparations and private debt. So far, the entire European Union has pledged $230 million to reconstruction of Iraq, and Russia has said it would do something to help.
(2003-10-18) -- As the U.S. Department of Labor cracks down on family-run Amish sawmills and furniture shops for their violations of child labor laws, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, has introduced a bill which would provide horse-powered virtual video games for newly unemployed Amish teenagers.
Senator Arlen Specter, R-PA, had already introduced a bill allowing Amish kids to work in their family businesses and to learn a useful trade, as long as they don't work directly with saws and other dangerous devices.
But Mr. Kennedy said he opposes the Specter bill because "it would exacerbate the cultural barriers between Amish teens, and normal American teens."
"An Amish child who grows up working will never relate to most of his peers in our nation," said Mr. Kennedy. "We have Amish ghettos filled with industrious apprentices and young tradesman, totally isolated from the mainstream of entertainment junkies who are living the American dream, hanging out with their friends, their cell phones and their Playstations."
Mr. Kennedy said his bill respects the culture of the Amish, while keeping their children safe in a lifestyle of idle leisure activities.
The games, to be provided at taxpayer expense, don't actually have a video screen since the Amish eschew the use of televisions, computers and most other electrically-powered or motorized devices. The vitual video games simulate American football by jiggling 22 painted stones around on a wooden board which is tied to a horse's tail to cause the occasional vibration.
Each game unit will cost taxpayers about $650, and will be manufactured in a union shop.
(2003-10-16) -- It's every taikonaut's dream to be the best in the world. Yang Liwei is no different. The former fighter pilot became internationally famous this week by being the first Chinese person launched into space. Now, he wants to go big time.
Immediately after his safe landing on the Mongolian grasslands, Colonel Yang got a satellite phone call from an American astronaut agency with an offer from NASA that he said was "more sweet than sour."
"We're talking big dollars," said Col. Yang. "The government salary's not much, but the endorsements will bump it into seven figures. We're talking to the Space Food Sticks people about a new kung pao flavor, and the Tang people love the sound of my name."
A Chinese government spokesman said China might reluctantly part with their star taikonaut in exchange for "reasonable remuneration and some more technology stuff like we used to get from comrade Clinton."
(2003-10-17) -- In a move that critics are calling "another act of cowboy unilateralism" the Bush administration has persuaded the United Nations Security Council to approve a resolution calling for international cooperation to rebuild Iraq.
Democrats in Congress immediately slammed the President for "this new go-it-alone gambit" which resulted in a 15-0 vote of the Security Council.
"Bush still hasn't learned that multilateralism is the only way to world peace," said Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, who plans to vote against the President's request for $87 billion in Iraq reconstruction funds. "Until the administration genuinely changes course, I cannot in good conscience vote to fund a failed policy that endangers our troops in the field and our strategic objectives in the world."
Mr. Kennedy added, "This 15-0 vote is another act of cowboy unilateralism just like the 15-0 vote on Resolution 1441 last year. Next thing you know, Mr. Bush will be wanting U.N. to take action to back up the resolution."
(2003-10-15) -- For the second time this season a corking scandal has rocked the Chicago Cubs in the wake of their improbable 8-3 loss last night to the Florida Marlins. This time a fan is the target of the investigation.
An unidentified Cubs fan, who snatched a foul ball away from the outstretched glove of Chicago left-fielder Moises Alou, is under investigation for allegedly having a head full of cork. The foiled foul catch marked a turning point in the game, which the Cubs had led 3-0 to that point. They were just five outs away from the World Series.
"No one with a brain in his head would cheat his own team from making an out," said an unnamed spokesman for Major League Baseball. "We suspect that most, or all of the fan's cranium has been hollowed out and filled with cork."
Earlier this year, Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa was suspended for using a cork-filled baseball bat.
One expert said that cork-filled crania are a growing problem among baseball fans, but this is the first time during the 2003 post-season that the epidemic has affected the outcome of a game.
"Fans like the cork because it makes their heads lighter, and leaves them untroubled by thoughts of personal responsibility," said the expert.
Numerous physicians, who are Cubs fans, have offered to remove the cork from the unidentified man's head, possibly through his nostrils.
(2003-10-14) -- A Nebraska mathematics professor today filed suit against his daughter's public school district claiming that the Pledge of Allegiance she recites each day inaccurately claims that the United States is "one nation, under God, indivisible."
"My daughter is being indoctrinated with lies," said plaintiff Michael Newmath. "I demand that the court strike the word 'indivisible' from the pledge. There are infinite ways to divide the United States -- just look at the 2000 presidential election. My daughter no longer trusts her teachers because they mindlessly mouth this patently-false part of the pledge."
(200310-14) -- A new cellular phone with global positioning technology will direct Muslim devotees toward Mecca for prayer, and Muslim fanatics toward Israeli bus stops and other large gatherings of "infidels".
Targeted at the Middle Eastern Muslim market, the GHD911 comes equipped with an electronic compass to direct the faithful toward Mecca. For a small additional charge, members of Islamic Jihad, Hamas, Al Qaeda and other social service organizations can get the Martyr-ola plug-in which directs the customer to the largest concentration of infidels within a 500 mile radius.
"Many of our customers live in desert areas where it's difficult to determine direction," said an unnamed spokesman for the manufacturer. "The GHD911 will allow them to effectively perform their two most important duties -- Salat, the five-times daily prayers, and jihad."
The phone also includes an animated tour of heaven, with realistic depictions of the dozens of virgins who await the shahid, or martyr. The GHD911 also features two "hot terminal ports" that can be wired to any device which requires a brief jolt of electricity triggered remotely.
"We're not sure what our fanatical customers will do with that feature, but our focus groups said it was essential," the spokesman said. "With the GHD911 we think we have invented the next wireless killer app."
(2003-10-14) -- Former Vice President Al Gore's planned new all-news channel is "definitely not liberal," according to Mr. Gore.
"We're aiming for a younger, hipper, not liberal audience," he said. "Our viewers will come from all parts of the political spectrum -- from those who favor a government-run universal health plan, to those who think that Kofi Annan ought to be in charge of the U.S. military. We'll even appeal to people who think that the rich don't pay enough taxes."
The network, a cross between CNN and MTV, will start operations as soon as Mr. Gore can muster enough advertising support.
"One of my advisors said liberal TV is dead on arrival with advertisers," Mr. Gore added. "That's why we're not doing the liberal thing. We'll cover stories that appeal to a broad audience -- from people who support a woman's right to choose abortion, to those who think the government should fund abortions on demand. Our newscasters will be a cross-section of ordinary Americans -- peace protestors, homosexual activists, animal rights defenders and really smart Ivy League grads who could be President of the United States if all the votes had been counted just one more time."
(2003-10-13) -- Unless President George Bush can reverse the tide, a Democrat will likely occupy the White House in 2005 because of that party's strong commitment to education.
Polls show that Americans believe Democrats care more about education than Republicans do. As one Congressional Democrat put it, "The President's 'No Child Left Behind' program has left the Department of Education (DOE) gasping for funding."
The table below demonstrates the current crisis in funding for elementary and secondary education, and contrasts the Clinton and Bush years.
DOE Funding for Elementary and Secondary Education
(dollars in billions)
| Year | '96 | '97 | '98 | '99 | '00 | '01 | '02 | '03 |
| Amount | $14.6 | $16.8 | $18.5 | $21.4 | $23.1 | $27.9 | $32.7 | $35.7 | Increase | ($.2) | $2.2 | $1.7 | $2.9 | $1.7 | $4.8 | $4.8 | $3.0 | Percent | -1% | +15% | +10% | +15% | +7% | +20% | +17% | +9% |
| Year | '93 | '94 | '95 | '96 |
| Amount | $13.8 | $14.4 | $14.8 | $14.6 |
| Increase | ($0.1) | $0.6 | $0.4 | ($0.2) |
| Percent | -.7% | +4.3% | +2.7% | -1.3% |
(2002-01-12) -- Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson today threatened to nuke a package of frozen burritos. It was the second time in as many days that Mr. Robertson threatened the use of nuclear force.
The remark came despite criticism of his previous statement which seemed to imply he wants to nuke the State Department's headquarters at Foggy Bottom.
"The state of Mexican restaurant food in the United States has gone downhill precipitously because of NAFTA and our lax enforcement of immigration policies," said Mr. Robertson, "We have to take things into our own hands. It's the only solution. We have to buy frozen burritos, and nuke those things ourselves."
(2003-10-11) -- Leaders of the world's Islamic nations meeting in Putrajaya, Malaysia, this week plan to discuss the full range of issues, from opposition to the U.S. to comdemnation of Israel.
"We are not a band of oppressive medieval principalities, and we deserve respect in the geopolitical realm," said a spokesman for the Organization of the Islamic Conference (OIC). "That's why our great statesmen have come here to support allowing the United Nations to restore Iraq's Saddam-era freedoms. We believe one day it will become a shining example of liberty, like Iran. For that to happen, the Americans must first leave Iraq."
Delegates to the OIC will devote most of the conference to crafting a resolution that condemns Israel for bombing a terrorist training camp in Syria.
"For many young Muslim boys, these camps in the mountains are an escape from city life, if only for a short time," the spokesman said. "It's invigorating for them to get out in the fresh air, work with their hands and prepare for their future as martyrs for Allah. It's like Boy Scouts."
(2003-10-10) -- Former comedian Al Franken will replace Rush Limbaugh on the Excellence in Broadcasting Network for the next 30 days while Mr. Limbaugh participates in an addiction treatment program.
Premiere Radio Networks announced the substitution shortly after Mr. Limbaugh told his millions of listeners that he is addicted to prescription painkillers and is going to deal with it "once and for all."
"When Rush told us he needed 30-days off, we knew we had to find a top-notch replacement," said a Premiere spokesman. "Although we had not heard of Al Franken before, we received a barrage of emails suggesting he is the next great American radio host. Apparently he used to be a comedian, and knows Bill O'Reilly personally. We were impressed with that. We're hopeful that America's ditto-heads will warm to Mr. Franken right away."
Here is the ScrappleFace story referenced in the October 13, 2003 issue of Sports Illustrated (pg. 19).
Paterno Signs Final Contract to Coach Until 2084
Here are some other stories from the ScrappleFace sports archive:
NBA to Give 'Dirty Kobe Money' to Charity
NFL Orders QBs to Look at Black Receivers First
PETA Defends Ball Player Who Hit Sausage
Dusty Baker Worried About President's Africa Trip
Sosa Called to Help NASA with Cork Insulation
Cubs Sue Maker of Sosa's Cork Bat For $280M
Liberia's Taylor Quits to Play Minor League Baseball
MLB Dictates Terms for Re-Admitting Rose
PLO Football Team Loses 72-0, Arafat Declares Victory
Jesse Jackson's Fantasy Football Team Loses Again
There have been others, but this will be enough to give you the false impression that ScrappleFace covers a lot of sports stories.
By the way, to read the S.I. article online, you must be an S.I. subscriber, so no direct link is possible. However, you can buy the magazine at the newsstand for only five times the subscription price per issue.
ScrappleFace is a daily news satire site. No reproductions or fascimiles of this site and its content are allowed without express written consent of the National Football League, the NCAA, Major League Baseball and Scott Ott, editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.
(2003-10-10) -- Presidential candidate Wesley Clark has failed the party's litmus test, according to his opponents in last night's Democrat debate.
"The key measure of a true Democrat is whether you hate George Bush with your whole heart," said former Vermont Governor Howard Dean. "And we all have our doubts about you, General Clark. You seem lukewarm in your hatred of Bush."
Mr. Clark, who registered as a Democrat within the past month, insisted that he has opposed many Bush administration policies, but it wasn't enough to assuage the other eight candidates.
"Where were you when I was filled with loathing and rage for President Bush?" Sen. John Kerry asked Mr. Clark. "You were giving a speech about what a good job Bush was doing defending our freedoms. If you were really one of us, you would have ignored his accomplishments, and focused on accusing him of lying every time he opens his mouth...which by the way looks like a chimpanzee mouth. Monkey-mouth Bush -- that's what I like to call him."
(2003-10-09) -- Yasser Arafat, chairman of the Palestinian Authority (PA), today blocked an effort to put a 'Recall Arafat' referendum on the ballot. Supporters of the recall say they will appeal the decision to Mr. Arafat, and if necessary will pursue their appeal all the way up to Yasser Arafat himself.
The decision comes during a day when another hand-picked Palestinian Prime Minister has said he wants to quit because of disagreements with Mr. Arafat about dismantling terrorist groups operating under the protection of the PA.
"This recall effort was unconstitutional," said Mr. Arafat. "Today I have restored stability to our government. I have consulted with every important Palestinian leader, and I can confidently report that I approve of my decision completely."
(2003-10-09) -- The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) today introduced a new, more challenging test for baggage screeners after Congressional critics claimed a previous test was too easy.
Here are some sample questions from the new test:
How do threats get on board an aircraft?
a) They buy tickets and walk on, like everyone else.
b) Because it's politically incorrect to target them for searches.
c) They climb through a loophole in our immigration policy enforcement
d) All of the above.
Why is it important to screen bags for improvised explosive devices (IEDs)?
a) Because IEDs are likely to be hidden somewhere, rather than brandished openly.
b) It's the least you can do when you're getting paid $38,000+ per year to stare at an x-ray monitor and grope through luggage.
c) Explosive devices might contain peanut fragments or dust, which are prohibited aboard all domestic flights due to potential allergic reactions among a fraction of one percent of airline passengers.
d) Because you get to see all kinds of interesting things inside passenger baggage, and that helps you stay awake until the end of your shift.
What is your primary responsiblity as a TSA screener?
a) To ensure that funding keeps flowing to a new, massive government bureaucracy.
b) To add to the anxiety of people who are already afraid of flying by introducing the fear of being frisked, and the fear of publicly revealing the holes in their socks.
c) To avoid frisking anyone who might accuse you of "profiling"
d) To create the illusion of tough security in American airports by wearing a faux police uniform and speaking in brusque, monosyllables.
(2003-10-08) -- Deposed California Governor Gray Davis declared his candidacy for the Democrat nomination for President this morning.
"I have the best name recognition," said Mr. Davis. "I'm better known than any of the other nine candidates. My track record is equal to any of them, and better than some. And now I have some time on my hands "
Gov. Davis gives credit for his strong showing in the recall election to the help of former President Bill Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore and the former Rev. Jesse Jackson.
(2003-10-08) -- Capturing the magic of media synergy which has made AOL Time Warner the entertainment colossus of the new millenium, General Electric and Vivendi today announced the merger of NBC Television with Vivendi's Universal Studios and cable channels.
"We'll increase revenue by $100 million and decrease expenses by $350 million," said an NBC spokesman. "We're going to be another Wall Street darling, just like AOL Time Warner."
The new NBC Universal will produce better entertainment than anyone in the world, the spokesman added.
"There's something about the adrenaline rush of a big merger, and the acquisition of $1.7 billion in debt that spurs creativity in everyone from the accountants and lawyers, to the HR people who will handle the outplacement interviews," she said. "I can already hear the applause and laughter."
(2003-10-07) -- Early exit polling reveals this morning that Gov. Gray Davis will be recalled, and the Boston Red Sox will become the next governor of California.
After a brief campaign, the Sox come-from-behind win shocked Californians, who according to pre-election polls were expected to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger.
An unnamed Republican political consultant said, "We're not sure where the Red Sox stand on the issues, but at least they're in the entertainment industry."
(2003-10-06) -- As the grope toll for Arnold Schwarzenegger campaign continues to climb, the California gubernatorial candidate today emphasized his concern for women's issues.
"I feel for women in the workplace," said Mr. Schwarzenegger. "I am familiar with their struggles, and I hear their complaints. I have a concern for their needs that is almost palpable. I want to be a champion with women."
The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that four more women claim that Mr. Schwarzenegger had touched them inappropriately, some as recently as the year 2000. That brings the total number of allegedly-fondled women to 15.
Mr. Schwarzenegger also issued another statement described by his campaign manager as "an apology":
"I was a bad boy, because I didn't know I was going to run for governor," he said. "So, I'm sorry for those women who are so easily offended."
"Where there's smoke there's fire," he added. "And where there's fire people get burned and have blisters and skin grafts and lifelong scars...and...I'm not sure what that means, but I'm going to clean house in Sacramento."
(2003-10-03) -- California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger today groped for words to diminish the furor over allegations of unwelcome sexual contact and his past praise of Adolph Hitler.
"I don't remember saying or doing any of these things," said Mr. Schwarzenegger. "But I'm not the kind of person that my past words and actions would seem to indicate. In any case, I'm the only Republican candidate who can win, so don't let your conscience get in the way of doing the right thing for the party."
The famous actor questioned the timing of the recent accusations.
"Why does this come out now?" he asked rhetorically. "I have been groping women for 30 years. Those 'Hitler' remarks were made 30 years ago. The timing seems suspicious. I would have to question the morality of my opponents for using this last-minute smear technique."
(2003-10-03) -- Senator Bob Graham, D-FL, announced today that he has been running for president for several months. The news came as a surprise to many Democrats.
"Bob Graham ran for president? Who knew?" was the typical response of one Democrat voter. "I had heard that he was a Senator, but that was the latest news I can remember. I wonder why he was running?"
The revelation was sparked by rumors that Mr. Graham may drop out of the race for the White House.
An overnight poll shows Mr. Graham narrowly losing to former Colorado Rep. Pat Schroeder in a hypothetical matchup.
(2003-10-02) -- The Bush administration has sent former ambassador Joe Wilson to North Korea to determine if the communist dictatorship intends to do harm with its recently announced nuclear bomb technology.
Mr. Wilson, whose famous wife is an undercover CIA agent, said he plans to visit Pyongyang and eat kimchee with North Korean bureaucrats, and then casually ask them if they intend to "blow something up" with their nuclear bombs.
"It's the same method I used to successfully determine that Iraq didn't try to buy nukes from Niger," Mr. Wilson said. "Except instead of drinking tea, I'll eat kimchee so the North Koreans won't suspect anything. I learned that from Valerie...I mean...uh...a friend who is a CIA agent."
(2003-10-02) -- Purdue Pharma LP of Stamford, CT, the maker Oxycontin, announced today it has signed talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh to do a series of TV and radio commercials for the popular prescription pain killer.
NewsDay reports today that Mr. Limbaugh may have purchased OxyContin and two other medications without a prescription from a former housekeeper.
"Many people have asked me how I was able to do a successful daily three hour show while loaded up on pain meds," Mr. Limbaugh said. "I'm going to love telling them about the low incidence of side-effects I enjoy while gulping dozens of OxyContin each morning. When I say I do this show with half my brain tied behind my back, I'm not kidding."
A Purdue Pharma spokesman said, "We're excited to have America's number one talk host on board. We have heard that he loves the product, and can't get enough of it. His sincerity about his own use of OxyContin will inspire others to ask their doctors or housekeepers to get some for them too."
Purdue Pharma hopes Mr. Limbaugh's image and influence will help his 20 million listeners to think of OxyContin as something more than its street name -- "hillbilly heroin".
(2003-10-01) -- A group of professional journalists today called on President George Bush to squelch the revelation of names of White House staffers who leak information to reporters.
The President yesterday instructed his staff to come forward with information about anyone who leaks to the media. He urged full cooperation with a Justice Department investigation into who told columnist Robert Novak and other reporters that former Ambassador Joe Wilson's wife was a CIA analyst or operative.
But an unnamed spokesman for the Society of Editors Columnists and Reporters Eager for Truth said that the "outing" of leakers would have a chilling effect on free speech in America and could jeopardize covert sources within, and outside of, the administration.
"Journalists in Washington depend upon a web of anonymous sources," said the spokesman. "These public officials won't tell the truth on the record, so we put them into our witness protection program, and quote them without attribution. If one White House leaker is outed, it could have a domino effect that would shut down the whole cloak-and-dagger operation which we call political reporting. Revealing the names of secret agents within our government would jeopardize our most basic freedoms."
