(2003-09-30) -- Retired General Wesley Clark, who recently said he believes in time travel, today announced that he has won the 2004 election, and re-election in 2008.

"I've been to the future, and I'm sitting in the big chair in the Oval Office," said the retired four-star general. "In 2013, I signed a $14 million book deal and broke ground on my presidential library."

Mr. Clark refused to reveal further details about his future political victories, referring inquiries instead to future White House Press Secretary Clinton.

(2003-09-30) -- The world came to an end early this morning, and CNN founder Ted Turner said, "I told you so."

Mr. Turner, who poured hundreds of millions of dollars into efforts to improve the world, said he always knew it was a waste.

"I had most of my money tied up in AOL Time Warner stock and the United Nations," said Mr. Turner. "Both investments performed equally well."

Now that the world has come to end, Mr. Turner said he may stop worrying about global warming, disease and weapons of mass destruction.

"It's actually cheered me up a bit," he said.

(2003-09-29) -- Top White House officials now believe that Saddam Hussein may not have realized that he was not a wicked despot who murdered his own people, threatened Iraq's neighbors and hated the United States and Israel.

The revelation comes after a Time Magazine story suggested that Saddam may not have realized that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction because his own top scientists lied to him.

"Saddam believed for decades that he was an evil dictator," said an unnamed White House official. "But he apparently got that idea from his top aides. They would constantly tell him 'You're bad, your excellency. You murdered all your opponents when you came to power. You have tortured, murdered, poisoned and raped your own people'."

Eventually, Mr. Hussein believed their image of him, but the truth was quite the opposite. Saddam Hussein was actually a gentle, but insignificant bureaucrat who rose quietly through the ranks, and reluctantly allowed his name to be placed on the ballot for president.

"He's really the kind of guy you might meet at the Rotary Club," said the anonymous source. "It's a shame the CIA also believed the lies about him."

(2003-09-29) -- The Cable News Network (CNN) today announced a new series of special reports on the positive news from Iraq. CNN producers acknowledge the series comes in response to critics who say the news media report little but shootings and turmoil.

The new series, "Iraq's Silver Lining," will focus on "the few good things which have resulted from the overthrow of Saddam Hussein."

Here are brief summaries of this week's "Silver Lining" reports...

Monday: U.S. troops teach Iraqi orphans how to play American football. These children were not orphaned during the American invasion which brought devastation upon so many Iraqi families due to errant bombs and trigger-happy soldiers. These are just orphans whose parents died of natural causes, or abandoned them, like the U.S. abandoned the world community and acted unilaterally to attack Iraq even though it has not been proven to have weapons of mass destruction.

Tuesday: U.S. soldiers rebuild and repaint a Baghdad elementary school, where little children used to hear of the greatness of Saddam Hussein, who apparently didn't have any weapons of mass destruction. In the new curriculum, children will learn about George Bush's oppression of the Iraqi people, and his miserable failure as a world leader.

Wednesday: Sewer line repairs can be dirty work, but an Army Corps of Engineers unit has jumped in with both feet to help the local people restore sanitary conditions in Mosul. The work serves as a daily reminder of the stench of the U.S. occupation of Iraq where frustrated, peace-loving men reluctantly carry out sniper attacks on Americans just to free their women and children from the heavy hand of oppression. More than 80 Americans have been killed in such attacks since George Bush landed in a tax-funded military jet on the deck of an aircraft carrier and claimed that the war was over.

Thursday: On the streets of Baghdad customers jam markets which overflow with everything from food to consumer electronics. It's another sign of American cultural hegemony leaving its stain on this ancient tribal civilization. Soon this great people will be reduced to a bunch of slack-jawed video gamers and "Iraqi Idol" worshipers.

Friday: U.S. Marines restore power to a small community which hasn't had reliable electric service for years. This allows local Muslims to attend peaceful night-time religious services where the Imam demands the immediate retreat of the satanic infidel who overthrew the democratically-elected government to impose his brand of Christian immorality upon the followers of Mohammed.

(20023-09-28) -- A French-made Arianne rocket took off from French Guiana last night on a European Space Agency mission to "go round and round the moon."

The unmanned probe will take 15 months to get into lunar orbit, where it will try to determine the moon's mineralogical composition and whether it has water. The probe will not land.

Between 1969 and 1972, the United States launched six successful lunar missions, during which men walked, drove a small car and hit golf balls on the moon. They returned to earth with 842 pounds of lunar rocks, core samples, pebbles, sand and dust.

The European mission is dubbed SMART-1.

(2003-09-26) -- George Plimpton, the American author who became famous by literally putting himself into the story, is said to be working on a book about death. The 76-year-old scribe died Thursday night in New York.

Mr. Plimpton became an NFL quarterback to write the book "Paper Lion." He also boxed with Archie Moore, pitched to Willie Mays and performed on the trapeze with a circus.

"This is my biggest challenge to date," said Mr. Plimpton through his publicist. "Lots of authors write about death, but they don't know first-hand what they're talking about. I've always found my prose was sharper when I had lived the experience first...so to speak."

Mr. Plimpton's literary agent said he already has several six-figure offers from publishers and is waiting for his client to return his phone call.

(2003-09-25) -- A team of French scientists today announced it had successfully cloned two rats, in an experiment in which 126 embryos and one rat pup died.

The surviving rats, which the scientists call Jacques and Dominique, seem normal in most respects. However, neither one will walk through a maze unless cheese is provided at every turn.

Having solved the worldwide rat shortage problem, the French scientists next plan to clone roaches and slugs.

"Eventually, we think this technology will produce French citizens," said one scientist. "We think we are quite close to that."

(2003-09-25) -- An electrical substation near suburban Washington D.C. was blown up this morning by Virginians enraged over the failure to restore electricity to the region. Eight days ago hurricane Isabel killed power to several hundred thousand homes and businesses, and many customers are still without electricity.

"We want our power back," said a note left near the scene of the explosion. "And we want emergency workers to go home. That's why we struck this symbol of infrastructural oppression and mismanagement."

The note said the Virginians would continue to hit major power grid sites until electricity is restored and "the infidel power company forces have retreated from our streets."

Spokesmen for Dominion Virginia Power and Potomac Electric Power Company denied news reports that the region has descended into a quagmire.

"But when something like this happens," one unnamed spokesman added. "The first thing we ask is 'what did the power company do to cause this attack? Why do customers hate us so?' We need to address root causes, like the gnawing desperation of living in the spiritual void of suburbia."

(2003-09-25) -- California Governor Gray Davis today announced he will buy TV time to re-broadcast last night's gubernatorial debate each evening in primetime until October 7.

"My ad agency hasn't been able to come up with anything so compelling," said Mr. Davis. "The more we can see Arnold, Cruz and Arianna tearing at each other, the better my chances look. And that wacky guy from the Green party...he really reinforces the circus atmosphere aspect. I loved him."

Mr. Davis said his only concern about repeating the debate was that viewers might actually listen to state Senator Tom McClintock.

"But it's not a major concern," he added. "Voters will just continue to admire Tom, agree with Tom and vote for Arnold."

The Davis campaign also unveiled a new anti-recall slogan: "Just in case your conscience is wrong -- Vote 'No' on Recall and 'Yes' on Arnold."

(2003-09-24) -- California gubernatorial candidate Tom McClintock failed to prepare any clever 'zingers' he could have used to make his opponents look foolish in tonight's debate.

Instead, state Senator McClintock came with nothing but detailed analysis of a variety of issues, and a commitment to cut spending and balance the state budget without tax increases.

A flash poll conducted minutes after the televised debate showed that Mr. McClintock's lack of witty personal assaults left doubts in the minds of many voters about his readiness to serve as governor.

The zinger void will come back to haunt him, according to an unnamed political scientist.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger had that great line about driving his Hummer through Arianna's tax loophole," said the expert. "And Arianna shot right back about Arnold's attitude toward women. Cruz Bustamante kept talking to Arianna and Arnold like they were morons. But McClintock was clearly unprepared for meaningful political discourse. It was embarrassing to watch him with that pedantic, deliberate focus on issues, facts and proposals."

(2003-09-24) -- The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals this afternoon blocked Simon & Shuster's recall of the Chinese version of Hillary Clinton's memoir 'Living History'. The publisher attempted the recall after learning that passages critical of the Chinese government had been deleted.

A three-judge panel said some readers in China would be "disenfranchised from reading the official Chinese version" if the recall went forward.

The court also noted that since China's Yilin Press bought the rights to publish the book in China, there is "no controlling legal authority" to prevent publication and distribution.

(2003-09-24) -- French President Jacques Chirac ignited the crowd in the United Nations General Assembly yesterday with a moral vision which he called the "New Great Global Society Deal".

Mr. Chirac's vision calls for the U.N. to take a more active role in the affairs of nations. The New Great Global Society Deal includes the following elements:

-- International solidarity levies against companies which profit from globalization by investing in foreign countries. The tax dollars would go toward U.N. development programs that make microloans to women who weave cellular phone holsters out of flax.
-- A stronger U.N. Security Council which could set bounds to the use of force. Each member nation would be surrounded by a 1000-yard Gun Free Zone, with substantial fines for anyone found possessing a firearm within it. The Council would also triple the average length of the text of resolutions which almost threaten use of force.
-- Governments which violate humanitarian law will forfeit their sovereignty to the Secretary General. The Security Council will determine, by simple majority vote, what constitutes a human rights violation.
-- A reversal of the trend toward the increase in voluntary contributions at the expense of mandatory contributions to the U.N. The box with the mandatory contribution money in it will be guarded by blue-helmet U.N. troops and will be used for “super important multilateral things.”
-- Strengthening of the office of the high commissioner for human rights under the able leadership of Libya, North Korea, China, Iran, Saudi Arabia and other morally-equivalent nations.
-- The Secretary General will appoint a committee of independent wise men and women responsible for submitting proposals. They shall be called "wise proposal proposers and shall do nothing but think great thoughts and make wise proposals to the Council."

Mr. Chirac said his New Great Global Society Deal lacks only a United Nations resolution to establish its legitimacy.

At the end of his visionary speech, the General Assembly rose in unison and delivered a 13-minute standing ovation. Mr. Chirac showed his appreciation for their support by leaping into the "global mosh pit" where he was borne aloft by the eager hands of cheering U.N. delegates.

U.S. President George Bush also spoke at yesterday's session.

(2003-09-24) -- The Chinese publisher of Sen. Hillary Clinton's 'Living History' said that editorial cuts made to the official Chinese edition of the memoir were not censorship, just an "honest mistake."

Mrs. Clinton said she is "amazed and outraged" by Yilin Press' deletions of most controversial mentions of China, including references to human rights violations.

But a spokesman for Yilin said, "We thought we were doing Mrs. Clinton a favor. Since she didn't devote a lot of space to writing about Clinton fundraisers Johnny Chung, Charlie 'Yah-Lin' Trie and John Huang, we assumed the references to China which remained in the book were oversights. After all, if they didn't want to waste space on possible financial connections between the Chinese Army and the Clintons, why would they want to talk about how China treats women?"

(2003-09-23) -- A new poll released today reverses the results of yesterday's CNN-USA Today poll which showed Wesley Clark in a virtual tie with President George Bush.

Today's results show that the same 49 percent who supported the retired Army general yesterday now say they would "never" vote for him.

The voter flip-flop shocked Mr. Clark, who attracted attention last week by saying he would have supported the Iraq war, and that he never would have supported the Iraq war.

(2003-09-22) -- Kate Michelman, president of the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL), will leave the position in the second trimester of 2004.

"The past 18 years have been fertile for our cause, and nurturing for me personally," said Mrs. Michelman. "But it's time I was extracted from the organization to allow for the birth of new leadership."

Asked why she is giving such long notice before her April 2004 resignation, she said: "If I were just yanked off the national scene prematurely, the pro-choice movement would suffer immeasurably."

(2003-09-22) -- French President Jacques Chirac called on the United States to immediately transfer sovereignty in Iraq to the "hand-picked American puppet council," to prevent Iraq from becoming another "Algerian-style quagmire."

Mr. Chirac served in the military when a relatively-small native Algerian force overcame the vast might of the French military. Algeria declared its independence from France on July 5, 1962.

Below is a partial transcript of an interview which Mr. Chirac granted to our Paris bureau chief.

Q: Monsieur le President, parlez vous Anglais?
A: Oui...I mean...Yes, I speak English.
Q: Good, because I don't know much more French...I was transferred from the Baghdad bureau in the post-war downsizing.
A: My sympathy to you and your family. Do you have any questions?
Q: Yes. The United States will introduce a resolution in the U.N. Security Council this week calling for more international support for the reconstruction of Iraq. Do you intend to veto the resolution?
A: No, we intend to demonstrate the strength of the Franco-American friendship by abstaining.
Q: Why?
A: We believe that the U.S. should transfer sovereignty immediately to the Iraqi people.
Q: But the current governing council was hand-picked by the Americans and therefore lacks legitimacy.
A: Then sovereignty must be transferred to the hand-picked American puppet council.
Q: Do you ever say stuff just to annoy the Americans?
A: What!? And jeopardize the Franco-American friendship we have enjoyed these 225 years?
Q: Yes, that's what I'm asking.
A: I don't think about the reaction of the Americans before I say things. I just speak my mind -- which is trained in the world's best schools, and refined by a thousand years of French cultural superiority. I'm sympathetic to the Americans incapacity to comprehend my thought process. After all, their nation has yet to spawn any genuine philosophers or legitimate literature. All their finest minds are devoted to developing ways to make hamburgers faster and cheaper. Does that answer your question?
Q: I think so. Back to the Iraq issue -- how much does your own personal military service during the Algerian war of independence shape your thinking about Iraq?
A: You mean the illegitimate rebellion in Algérie Française?
Q: Okay...sure.
A: Well, there is a significant parallel between our battle against the Muslim extremists, and the situation the U.S. faces in Iraq today. I would hate to see an Algerian-style quagmire in Iraq.
Q: I'm not sure I see the connection. Wasn't France a greedy, self-interested colonial ruler which had oppressed Algeria for 132 years, before the Algerians threw off the yoke of foreign domination?
A: That's not nice a very nice way of saying it. You are an uncultured person.
Q: On the other hand, the United States has overthrown a dictator who had oppressed and murdered his own people and ignored international calls for disarmament. How are the situations alike?
A: Again, if you were French, you would have better manners than to ask a question like that.
Q: So what's the parallel between Algeria and Iraq?
A: I cannot explain it to someone so dull of mind.
Q: Was it a mistake to overthrow Saddam?
A: No, absolutely not. I did not approve of the way he was overthrown. I felt it could have happened in another way.
Q: Such as...?
A: Perhaps with a series of levers and pulleys and heavy weights that drop onto spring-loaded catapult triggers.
Q: Do you think Saddam would have departed through political pressure alone?
A: I do. We could have offered him sanctuary in some friendly, progressive, cultured nation with a rich history of philosophy, art and literature.
Q: You think Saddam would have wanted to live in France?
A: I didn't say France...but why not? Woody Allen likes it here.
Q: But do you really think Saddam could have been overthrown without a war?
A: War is always the worst solution; it should only be used in extreme situations.
Q: Like when you're dealing with a despotic dictator who flouts United Nations resolutions, threatens his neighbors and uses torture and murder as political tools against his own people?
A: No. That situation would clearly call for ongoing dialogue. Extreme situations which require war would have to involve a threat to the economic interests of France.
Q: Do you share President Bush's vision that the liberation of Iraq could be the catalyst for a democratic revolution in the Middle East?
A: I'd like to think so, but frankly, I don't believe so.
Q: What do you believe?
A: Well, I never like to say that I 'believe' anything. There are no ideas worth believing. There is only expedience and transitory practically.
Q: Do you ever feel like telling President Bush that he is wrong about Iraq?
A: I never tell anyone they're wrong, because that would imply that there are objective truths. There is no right or wrong. There is only today, and whatever I say.
Q: Will France ever send troops into Iraq?
A: Only if we have to retreat from some neighboring nation and use Iraq as a refuge...you know, if the Americans were still there to protect us.
Q: So, you do acknowledge that American military power is good, and has been used for good purposes.
A: O, we are certainly grateful for America's contribution of a few troops during France's valiant war against Hitler's Germany. The Yanks really filled the gaps well. After all, the mighty French army couldn't be everywhere at once.
Q: Are you concerned that some American columnists are writing that France is no longer an ally, and is perhaps even an enemy?
A: This is just another hiccup in a long, beautiful friendship between our nations. We can disagree without rupturing the friendship. That's the definition of a true friendship.
Q: Do you really mean that France can disagree, and in fact, obstruct the United States, and still be a friend? How can that be?
A: Well...it's really a subjective feeling. I feel friendly toward George Bush as I disagree with him and work behind the scenes to scuttle his plans.
A: Merci, Monsieur le President, pour vos pensées ce matin. (Thank you, Mr. President, for your thoughts this morning.)
Q: De rien. (It was nothing).

SCRAPPLEFACE NEWS ANALYSIS

(2003-09-21) -- With 10 candidates already afield, but none able to generate even 20 percent support in polling, Democrat insiders say the "burning question" from D.C. to Chappaqua is this: Will Ted run?

Long the standard bearer of the Democrat party, Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy has not made an abortive attempt at the nomination in more than 20 years. But he is seen by many as the penultimate Democrat, who's not afraid to accuse President Bush of lying and blackmail. They say his "anachro-lib" ideology will counter the burgeoning neo-con movement and bring revival to the National Education Association, the United Auto Workers and Planned Parenthood alike.

But most point to his Kennedy lineage as the key reason he should occupy the Oval Office. The Senator is a close relative of popular former-TV star Maria Shriver and her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger, as well as Michael Skakal and a host of other family celebrities.

"He has the air of royalty about him," said one unnamed DNC staffer. "Everyone knows that Teddy is the only one who can suck more air out of the room than the Clintons. The buzz about his potential candidacy alone should help whittle the field of candidates down to a half dozen."

Of course, Mr. Kennedy is characteristically tight-lipped about any potential White House bid.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," he said yesterday. "I'm not going to dive into that question at a time when the federal government is drowning in a sea of red ink, and the president appears intoxicated with power."

And yet the rumors continue to float, driven by the desire of many Democrats to see a Kennedy at the wheel again.

(2003-09-0) -- Congressional critics of the Bush administration today attacked the president for "the tragic quagmire" at the Baghdad zoo.

The death toll for Iraqi zoo animals continued to climb yesterday, as a U.S. soldier allegedly killed a Bengal tiger that was injuring another soldier.

In April, American soldiers shot and killed four lions which had escaped from the same zoo. Hundreds of other animals have been killed or released by looters.

"This zoo war was made up in Texas," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA. "The carnivorous cats posed no imminent threat. The whole thing is a fraud."

Mr. Kennedy's Democrat colleagues slammed Mr. Bush for lacking "a zoo exit strategy and timeline."

Meanwhile, French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) called for the zoo to be immediately turned over to a provisional authority consisting of "the more sentient mammals; chimps, orangutans, and whales."

(2003-09-20) -- Same sex domestic partners in California yesterday gained the right to clog the courts with bitter custody and property battles, providing a cash windfall for attorneys.

The moment of triumph came when Gov. Gray Davis signed a bill passed by Democrats in the state legislature giving homosexuals who live together many of the legal rights and obligations of married couples regarding children, money and property.

"I'm so excited I could cry," said an unnamed woman who claimed she is a lesbian. "In the past, when my relationship turned acrimonious, there was no legal way to take it out on my partner. Now, I can drag her sorry keister into court and get some of her money and her stuff. Of course, if I really want to make a point, I can limit her access to our adopted son."

Perhaps the greatest celebrations yesterday happened in law offices around the state.

"I'm so excited I could cry," said an unnamed attorney. "The more bitterness there is in a family case, the more money I can make. As William Congreve wrote, 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.' Well, this is the jackpot...two women!"

(2003-09-19) -- Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA, will replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary if George Bush should win a second term. The President announced the planned appointment a day after Mr. Kennedy told the Associated Press (AP) that the Iraq war was "made up in Texas."

"There was no imminent threat...This whole thing was a fraud," the Senator said, accusing the administration of "distortion, misrepresentation and "selection of intelligence" to justify the war.

Mr. Bush said Mr. Kennedy would be the perfect candidate for Secretary of Defense because of his "spotless integrity, sober judgment, selfless patriotism and unshakeable commitment to our troops."

The President said he made the Kennedy appointment decision while vacationing in Texas.

(2003-09-9) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said he was delighted to read today's New York Times op-ed piece by German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.

Mr. Schroeder, who opposed the U.S.-led overthrow of Saddam Hussein, wrote that his nation is ready to help with the economic development of Iraq.

"I'm glad to see that the Chancellor is ready to move beyond unprincipled geopolitical obstructionism toward a future where American soldiers protect German entrepreneurs as they cash in on Iraq's reconstruction."

Mr. Rumsfeld said he was excited to read Mr. Schroeder's admission that "security cannot be guaranteed by one country going it alone."

"I know Mr. Schroeder is heartbroken that Germany couldn't send some troops in time to help liberate Iraq," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "But he's also practical enough to realize that freedom is usually purchased at the price of American and British blood. For some reason, unknown to science, German blood is rarely rich enough to buy liberty."

The Defense Secretary also noted the German leader's call for a fight against "the roots of insecurity, oppression, fanaticism and poverty" which he said are the enemies of freedom and safety.

"We plan to work with Mr. Schroeder," said Mr. Rumsfeld, "to find ways to give America's enemies powerful weapons, a lot more money and control of influential nations and global political bodies so they won't feel so insecure, poor and oppressed any more."

(2003-09-19) -- California Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante today attacked Gov. Gray Davis' plan to bring "people from every planet on earth" to California. The governor should declare his loyalty to "planet California," he said.

Davis told a crowd of supporters Wednesday: "My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth."

Mr. Bustamante echoed the credo of his own Latino separatist group, MEChA: "For the planet, everything. Outside the planet, nothing. Governor Davis needs to decide which planet he's on. I support secession from the planetary federation, and formation of an earthlings-only state in California."

Gov. Davis today will propose granting driver's licenses to people from other planets, even if they entered California's atmosphere illegally.

(2003-09-19) -- Wesley Clark, the latest Democrat to enter the presidential race, said he might vote for himself if his name were to appear on the ballot. However, since he didn't decide to run until late Sunday, he said voters should give him time to develop conviction about whether he deserves his own vote.

"There are a lot of good people running for president," said the retired four-star general. "I need time to analyze what they stand for, and then develop some ideas about what I stand for. Then I can compare them with me and decide who would make the better president."

The candidate acknowledged voting for Republicans Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, but became a Democrat in 1992 when he voted for fellow Arkansan Bill Clinton.

"He moved me," Mr. Clark told the Washington Post. "I didn't consider it party, I considered I was voting for the man."

Like Senators Joseph I. Lieberman, D-CT, and John F. Kerry, D-MA, Mr. Clark said he would have voted to support the war in Iraq, and the United States should not have invaded.

"I love the idea of overthrowing Saddam Hussein," Mr. Clark said. "But actually doing it is a lot messier. So I would have supported ongoing planning."

If he were in Congress today, he would vote to approve President Bush's $87 billion request for military operations and reconstruction if it could be proven that it wasn't needed and would never be spent.

"We should send more troops to Iraq," he added. "And if elected I will cut the military budget."

(2003-09-18) -- AOL Time Warner today dropped 'AOL' from its corporate name and announced that America Online will soon be withdrawn from the Internet and converted to a print publication.

"I love the smell of soy-based ink in the morning. It smells like victory," said CEO Richard Parsons. "We've had enough of this media synergy buzzword nonsense. Our business doesn't exist to create some new paradigm for the next millenium. Time Warner Inc. is devoted to making real profits during each fiscal year. Dead trees are the future. The sooner we get America off line, the better it will be for our company and our nation."

AOL: The Magazine will include thematic sections like fashion, sports and lifestyles, as well as origami 'pop-up' advertising.

"And if readers want to so-called 'chat' or 'instant message'," Mr. Parsons added, "they can pick up a phone and call someone."

(2003-09-18) -- PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat yesterday hinted at "a foundation for peace" in the middle east, just as the so-called 'roadmap for peace' seemed doomed to collapse.

Reuters news agency reports that Mr. Arafat asked, "Is there anyone in Palestine who does not dream of martyrdom?"

An unnamed source on the Israeli cabinet welcomed Mr. Arafat's statement.

"If he is personally serious about that, it presents the greatest opportunity for peace in a generation," the spokesman said.

(2003-09-17) -- The embattled chairman of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) tonight reluctantly accepted a $75 trillion severance package, unceremoniously ending Richard Grasso's 36-year career with the exchange.

During the past week, investors and government regulators have criticized Mr. Grasso for taking a $139.5 million payout of accrued benefits and tax deferred savings. It was the first time the NYSE had made public its executive's compensation, which is set by the board of directors without the chairman's input.

"It's a humiliating way to end a career," said Mr. Grasso. "The shame of it all will weigh heavily on me for years to come."

Mr. Grasso said he would spend most of the $75 trillion severance pay on "fatty foods, filter-less cigarettes and amusement park thrill rides in a futile effort to numb the pain of a shattered reputation."

(2003-09-17) -- Matt Drudge, creator of the now legendary Drudge Report web site has just signed a deal with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) to serve as exclusive publicist for hurricanes and tropical storms.

Mr. Drudge, who writes pithy headlines linked to news sites but is not a weblogger, refused to discuss the terms of the deal. Industry insiders say it's in the high seven figures.

"We'd like Drudge to devote a lot of links to storm-related stories and to our web site," said an unnamed NOAA spokesman. "He'll be the Jerry Maguire of hurricanes. We want him to sell each storm to his readers like it's going to rip your roof off and feed it to your grandma. Frankly, we weather geeks love the attention."

Drudge Report readers should expect no changes to the web site as a result of the deal.

(2003-09-17) -- Former President Bill Clinton advised Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark to dodge the "draft Clark" movement.

"As one Rhodes Scholar to another, I told Wesley he should take some time off and go overseas or something," said Mr. Clinton. "He could wait until this so-called 'war on terror' is over, then come back and get into politics. It's a proven strategy, you know."

Gen. Clark has ignored Mr. Clinton's advice, and will stand and fight among the 10 Democrat hopefuls.

"Now that Clark's in," said Mr. Clinton, "I fully support him. I think he'll make a good VP for any other candidates that might still enter the race."

(2003-09-17) -- Vice President Dick Cheney said he intends to keep his Halliburton ties "no matter what the critics say."

"These ties have no real monetary value," said Mr. Cheney. "I still wear the red one with my navy blue suit, and I hear that skinny ties are coming back, so I'm not getting rid of those."

Mr. Cheney, who has sold all of his Halliburton stock, still receives some deferred compensation which is not affected by current business decisions. He also holds some unexercised stock options, but has signed an agreement committing any profits to charity.

But it's the ties which have drawn fire from Democrat critics.

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, D-SD, said, "I don't care if the Halliburton ties are skinny ties, bow ties, or clip-ons...they have him by the throat, and that's bound to affect policy."

(2003-09-17) -- Retired General Wesley Clark, who plans to declare his candidacy for the Democrat presidential nomination today, said he's "not the abrasive, impractical know-it-all" some of his former colleagues say he is.

According to a Washington Post story, Gen. Clark is viewed by many associates as a "brilliant" analyst, who often proposes "goofy" solutions and annoys everyone in the process.

"I am not abrasive, no matter what those pot-bellied, medieval morons at the Pentagon tell you," Gen. Clark said. "And my solutions are as brilliant as my analysis. When I'm President, I'm going to fill the Pentagon up with water, so these clock-watching desk jockeys will get some aerobic exercise."

(2003-09-16) -- Retired Four-Star General Wesley Clark, who served as NATO commander during the 1999 Kosovo campaign, said today that he's tired of being so well known. To lower his public profile he will likely declare his candidacy for the Democrat presidential nomination tomorrow.

"It's just like the Federal witness protection program," said Gen. Clark. "A recent poll showed that most people couldn't name a single Democrat candidate. That's the kind of anonymity I'm looking for."

(2003-09-16) -- Sen. John Edwards, D-NC, filed a class-action lawsuit today on behalf of "regular people" against George Bush, claiming that the president has manufactured a defective economy which is "unsafe at any speed."

Mr. Edwards, a novice politician who made millions as a personal injury attorney, said he's asking the court to award him the Democrat presidential nomination as well as victory in the November 2004 election.

"We all know that elections are decided by the judiciary in our great nation," said Mr. Edwards. "That makes me the perfect candidate, and I intend to have my day in court -- for the benefit of the regular people, of course."

(2003-09-16) -- An unidentified British couple announced today that they have succeeded in creating an embryo and implanting it in the woman's uterus despite their lack of scientific training.

The high-school educated couple, working in a "home laboratory," has devoted the two years since their wedding to numerous iterations of a procedure they theorized might produce such a result.

They plan to name the "viable tissue" Ian Michael, and to attempt replication of the experiment within 24 months.

The reaction from the scientific community was swift and harsh.

"These people were amateurs trying to play God, without university credentials or peer review," said an unnamed editor at the journal Science. "We call upon the government of Great Britain and the United Nations to adopt international protocols for reproductive experimentation. If left unchecked, millions of couples may experiment with such procedures thereby stripping scientists of their proper place in the circle of life."

(2003-09-16) -- The National Education Association (NEA) today proposed revisions to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' program.

The new plan, called 'Virtually No Child Left Behind,' guarantees that reading and math proficiency standards will be met by all children except those with...
-- mental disabilities,
-- low-income parents,
-- language difficulties,
-- persistent sore throats,
-- topical rashes,
-- freckles, or
-- high-water trousers.

The NEA plan also exempts "fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks, tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox".

"Given the proper metrics and rubrics we can demonstrate that tax-funded, federal government-regulated, union-operated schooling is better than any of the alternatives," said an unnamed spokesman for the NEA.

(003-09-15) -- The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals issued an order today reversing the results of all elections which used the troublesome punch-card ballots. The ruling overturns voter decisions going back to 1964, when the faulty ballots were first employed in two counties in Georgia.

Bill Clinton, who is now neither a former president nor a former governor, said the ruling is consistent with the court's decision earlier today to delay California's recall election for similar reasons.

"To be fair, if you're going to say punch cards can't produce a valid result, then you have to nullify all results involving punch cards," said Mr. Clinton. "So, I'll just go back to what I was doing before I became a politician...you know... farming tobacco. Wait, that wasn't me. That was that Gore fella."

Of course, George Bush will remain President, since the 2000 election was decided by the Supreme Court and the lower court cannot overrule its verdict.

(2003-09-15) -- Hurricane Isabel this morning declared her candidacy for the Democrat nomination for President of the United States. According to a CNN poll, Isabel's name recognition exceeds that of all nine existing candidates combined, plus Wesley Clark.

With winds of 150 mph, and gusts over 200 mph, Isabel said she has what it takes to rally the Democrat faithful.

Aiming for the White House, the candidate may first sweep through the south calling for a huge influx of federal government funding and social services.

"Then she'll hit Pennsylvania with a call for new jobs in the housing and public utility sectors," said an unnamed campaign spokesman. "And you'll finally see the word 'recovery' in the headlines."

Isabel's spokesman said no other candidate is in her category.

"She's not afraid to make waves," he said. "Democrats finally have a candidate that can't be ignored."

(2003-09-15) -- Former President Bill Clinton is close to announcing his endorsement of Dennis Kucinich for the Democrat nomination, according to an unnamed Clinton associate.

"Kucinich has all the elements that Mr. Clinton values in a Democrat candidate for 2004," said the source. "Kucinich's name recognition among Americans rivals that of Marcel Proust, his ideology would make Lenin blush and his ability to inspire voters is reminiscent of a bout of food poisoning."

(2003-09-14) -- Democrat Presidential contenders, campaigning in Iowa yesterday, vigorously debated what title they should use to refer to former President Bill Clinton.

Dick Gephardt, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman and Carol Moseley-Braun lobbied to refer to the former president as the "Dear Leader." However, John Kerry, Howard Dean, Bob Graham and John Edwards argued that Mr. Clinton should be addressed as "Exalted Leader." The Rev. Al Sharpton stood alone in insisting on calling him "The Grand Kahuna."

The White House hopefuls did agree on one thing.

"The Exalted Leader was magnanimously gracious in allowing us to share the stage with him in Iowa," said Mr. Dean. "I still can't believe I got to kiss his ring. I won't wash my lips for a month."

(2003-09-13) -- In addition to the recently announced free breakfast program, New York City public schools this month will begin to offer free sleeping pills to students regardless of need. The changes are designed to ensure each student gets proper nutrition and a good night's sleep.

"Our rigorous intellectual curriculum demands alert students," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg in his weekly radio address. "We feel that a regimen of Ritalin-by-day and Sominex-by-night, plus school food twice daily may finally ensure that no child is left behind."

The sleeping pill announcement follows the launch of the city's free school breakfast program, which offers a morning meal to all 1.1 million students without regard to financial or nutritional need. Funding for the free breakfasts comes from a "slight increase" of 50 percent in lunch prices. The free breakfast program was instituted in an effort to get more low-income parents to sign up for a free lunch program, which would bring a windfall of federal government subsidy money to the district.

"Kids are coming to school with bellies full of Cheetos, Skittles and Mountain Dew," said the Mayor. "Obviously, their parents can't afford proper meals since it would cut into their convenience snack budget. But so far we can't convince them that they need other people to pay for their lunches. So we're advertising free lunch for the poor by giving free breakfast to everyone."

In October the Board of Regents will consider a measure to provide free Abercrombie and Fitch clothing to all students, so they aren't distracted from learning by their inability to keep up with the latest trends.

(2003-09-12) -- Now that a U.S. District Judge has cleared the way for lawsuits related to the 9/11 attacks, the first such filings have begun.

"We want to demonstrate that the terrorists were just accomplices of grossly negligent American businesses," said one unnamed attorney. "Our own business people opened the door and invited the killers to come in. We shouldn't blame the peaceful Muslim devotees. They were victims as well. "

At the heart of most suits is the claim that Boeing, United Airlines, American Airlines and the New York City Port Authority could have stopped terrorists from crashing planes into the World Trade Center (WTC).

Here's a quick summary of allegations being made by attorneys on behalf of their clients.

-- Boeing made the planes too aerodynamic, too fast and too easy to steer.
-- Boeing should have installed a tranquilizer gas system which would 'knock out' all passengers in the event of a hijacking attempt.
-- The airlines should have used non-flammable liquid as jet fuel.
-- Airport security should have conducted pre-boarding psychological evaluations.
-- Flight crews should have worn iron coats-of-mail, and other body armor.
-- The Port Authority should have equipped the WTC towers with huge airbags, or electromagnetic shields.

(2003-09-12) -- Osama bin Laden's publicist announced today that the reclusive video star has signed a syndication deal with Al-Jazeera TV which should keep his old episodes running for "as long as he keeps running."

The deal, which involves "lots of cash and other means of support," will allow bin Laden fans to see classic episodes, known as "the dark beard series." The show will be sponsored by "Just for Men" hair coloring.

A spokesman for Al-Jazeera said, "We're overjoyed that we are able to maintain our close relationship with Osama and his organization. We plan to re-edit some of the episodes to create spin-offs like 'Ossie and Marriott', which celebrates the bombing of the hotel in Jakarta."

(2003-09-11) -- A senior Palestinian security official said today that if Israel expels PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat it could destabilize the region.

"Yasser Arafat has been a stabilizing force, a voice of calm," said the unnamed Palestinian. "He is our Gandhi; our Martin Luther King. Without him, the leaders of social service agencies like Hamas and Islamic Jihad may lose hope and resort to violence. We could see the slaughter of innocent civilians on buses and at cafes and wedding receptions. O, the humanity!"

The official said he hopes the United States will step in and protect the Palestinian leader, a Nobel peace prize winner.

(2003-09-11) -- ABC News will televise an investigative report tonight showing how its reporters smuggled -- from North Carolina to Pennsylvania -- 65 cartons of deadly menthol cigarettes and a "trunkload" of dangerous bottle rockets and roman candles.

The report follows the news division's second successful attempt to smuggle depleted uranium into the country on a ship, this time from Indonesia. That report is now broadcast each hour by Al-Jazeera TV as part of a series of "how to" programs.

ABC News says it will continue to demonstrate the "insecurities of our homeland" in upcoming reports. One reporter even claims he got through L.A. customs without declaring a bottle of vodka purchased undercover on the streets of Jakarta. The bottle could be used to make a Molotov cocktail, a kind of hand-tossed firebomb.

"Right now we have reporters positioned around major airports toting shoulder-launched missiles," said an unnamed ABC News producer. "We also have trucks full of explosives in dozens of underground parking garages, and 55-gallon drums of various toxins poised to dump in major reservoirs nationwide. Of course, we have to pace ourselves in how we reveal this to keep our ratings momentum going."

The producer hinted that Nightly News anchor Peter Jennings may personally "run some guns" from Canada into Detroit later this year.

"Jennings gets through customs in the limo real easy, eh?" the producer said. "But it just shows how porous our borders are. We're doing these reports for the good of the nation."

(2003-09-0) -- Now that Alabama voters have rejected a $1.2 billion tax hike, the Governor has been placed on methadone therapy for withdrawal symptoms.

Gov. Bob Riley, a Republican, had backed the tax increase to make up for a $675 million state budget deficit and to increase funding for state supported schools.

"When the Governor learned that the cash infusion wasn't coming," an aide said, "he doubled over with nausea-like muscle spasms then became feverish. The state treasurer immediately recognized the symptoms and called for the methadone."

Gov. Riley and many in the state legislature have been admitted to a 30-day treatment facility. At the center, the lawmakers will go through a 12-step program. During the first week, they will study the following steps.
-- We admit we are powerless over our spending, and our state has become unmanageable.
-- We believe that a power greater than ourselves, known as the citizens of Alabama, could restore us to sanity.
-- We made a decision to turn our will over to the state constitution as we understood it.

(2003-09-10) -- Hundreds of Roman Catholic parishioners in Boston today filed a class-action lawsuit for the return of more than $85 million of their money which their archdiocese plans to give to hundreds of victims of sexually abusive priests.

The lawsuit claims that money contributed to the church over the past five decades by thousands of parishioners was intended to feed the poor and advance the work of the church.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston, in a written response, said, "The money actually belongs to God, not the parishioners. It will be used to ease the mental anguish of those who sinned by placing their trust in priests and bishops, whom we all know are merely sinful men themselves. The Archbishop would like to remind these greedy litigants that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil."

Boston Archbishop Sean P. O'Malley has ordered the "mammon-loving parishioners" to be secretly transferred to another archdiocese.

(2003-09-10) -- In the wake of a report faulting American history books used in public schools for their lack of balance, textbook publishers today announced several major revisions.

Starting in the fall of 2004, textbooks purged of "raging patriotism" will be available for public schools.

The new books will include the following information:

-- The Puritans came to American looking for Indians to slaughter.
-- The American Revolution was a terrorist uprising against a legitimate government. It sparked a pandemic of so-called 'democracies' worldwide which have ruined the prospects for a 'people's Utopia'.
-- The so-called 'Founding Fathers', when debating the Constitution, failed to consider the feelings of homosexual Latino abortion-advocating animal rights proponents. Therefore, the Constitution does not apply to anyone who disagrees with it.
-- The Supreme Court exists to keep church away from state.
-- The first amendment guarantees free speech, but not freedom to refute those who exercise free speech.
-- The so-called "establishment clause" restricts the federal government from establishing any religion other than secular humanism.
-- The "right to keep and bear arms" applies only to employees of the government.
-- The United States got into World War II to protect future access to Volkswagen Beetles, angel-hair pasta and Japanese audio devices.
-- If it were not for the Watergate break-in, George McGovern would have won the presidency in 1972, and by 1974 he would have taught "the world to sing in perfect harmony."
-- American industrial imperialism is the only reason why Esperanto failed to become the global lingua franca.

(2003-09-10) -- The government of Iran has begun preparations to resist a military invasion by the United States scheduled for the year 2015. The attack will come after 12 years of attempts to get Iran to cooperate with United Nations Security Council resolutions regarding its nuclear program.

The revelation comes as France, Germany and Britain prepare to submit a U.N. resolution calling on Iran to accelerate its cooperation with the International Atomic Energy Agency. The IAEA alleges that Iran may be in violation of the nuclear nonproliferation treaty due to its possession of enriched uranium, and other factors.

A high-ranking Iranian official said his nation's war plans are based on a study of the history of U.S. and U.N. policy toward Iraq.

"We know the clock is ticking," said the unnamed source. "We only have so much time before the international community takes action against us."

(2003-09-09) -- Archeologists digging near the Potomac River report they have found a partial human skeleton from the Magnusregimentumian era, also called 'the era of big government.'

Scientists have dubbed the creature Homo Republicus.

"The cranium is rather large, but the spinal column doesn't seem strong enough to support it," said an unnamed archeologist working at the dig site. "Despite its impressive thinking capabilities, it apparently crawled along on its belly, often carrying opportunistic vermin on its back. Homo Republicus was involuntarily forced to support the parasitic vermin, because it wasn't strong enough to stand on its hind legs and shake them off."

Scientists say that during the past year they have found increasing numbers of relics from the era of big government.

"It's a renaissance of the period," the archeologist said. "Everywhere we look we're seeing increased interest in the Magnusregimentumian era."

(2003-09-08) -- Gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger today guaranteed Republican party leaders that he would "get them an 'R'" in California.

The announcement comes after revelations about Mr. Schwarzenegger's past which include participation in deviant sex, use of illegal drugs and racist assaults on black body-building colleagues.

"Republicans are so desperate to get an 'R' in California, that they will even vote for me," he said. "I guarantee you will get an 'R'...which stands for 'Restricted: Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.'"

According to the Motion Picture Association of America, an 'R' rating indicates the presence of one or more of the following: coarse language, nudity in sexual scenes, drug abuse and violence.

"Thanks to my campaign, the Drudge Report now requires now requires parental guidance," he said. "At least the voters of California won't need to wonder about my morals, and they can't be shocked by anything I might do while in office."

(2003-09-08) -- France and Germany announced today that they would pay the estimated $87 billion that U.S. President George Bush plans to spend to rebuild Iraq.

In a joint statement, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder and French President Jacques Chirac said, "We can never pay back the United States and her allies for saving our nations from the clutches of a brutal dictator in World War II. However, we can pay it forward by funding the renovation of Iraq, which has been freed from another evil despot."

The European leaders say their people are eager to set an example of gratitude for the world.

(2003-09-08) -- North Carolina Senator John Edwards announced his retirement from electoral politics yesterday, saying that he would not seek re-election to the Senate in order to run for President.

"I want to focus all my energies on a short-lived, desperate and ultimately failed attempt to get the Democrat nomination for the White House," said Mr. Edwards. "Being a Senator is important, but not nearly as important as traveling around the country, burning through millions of dollars and slamming our President."

Mr. Edwards said he expects to be "waving from the balcony" at the Democrat convention next year.

"In a couple of months, unless Dean, Gephardt and Kerry all stroke out, I'll head back to my law practice, and sit at the corner bar telling stories about when I was a Senator who ran for President...and no one will believe me."

Abandoning his re-election plans is "crucial to ensuring that Republicans get an opportunity to pick up a Senate seat," he said. "It's so hard to run against an incumbent. As an attorney, that just violates my sense of fairness."

(2003-09-06) -- In a show of Republican solidarity, California gubernatorial candidate Tom McClintock today offered to let Arnold Schwarzenegger borrow his ideas and plan for reviving the debt-ridden state.

"Arnold has celebrity, but no real Republican game plan," said Mr. McClintock, a state senator. "I have actual experience, and a conservative plan for California, but little celebrity. Since he can't give me his celebrity, I'm offering to give him my ideas."

Mr. Schwarzenegger responded to Mr. McClintock's offer by saying, "Don't you worry about my plan. I'm going to clean house in Sacramento, because we've been taxed and taxed and taxed and taxed. And even though I might raise taxes in an emergency, I don't like taxes. Tax, tax, tax, tax, tax, tax....all day long.

It was Mr. Schwarzenegger's second major economic policy statement in as many days.

(2003-09-05) -- Despite accepting the resignation of his Prime Minister, Yasser Arafat kept the U.S.-brokered 'Roadmap for Peace' on track today by announcing several new confidence-building measures.

Mr. Arafat said he is "as committed to peace with Israel as ever," and offered the following goodwill gestures to demonstrate that fact:

-- Mr. Arafat will immediately appoint another "strong leader and independent thinker" to replace Mahmoud Abbas as Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority. Candidates under consideration include Kermit the Frog, Topo Gigio, Charlie McCarthy and Pinochio.
-- To help Israel save money, PLO members will volunteer to drive Israeli commuter buses without compensation.
-- Arafat will tell Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade and renegades from his own Fatah movement that killing unarmed Israeli civilians might get them in "really big trouble."
-- PLO members will volunteer to serve as ushers in Israeli synagogues, and as security guards at "so-called Jewish holy sites."
-- The Palestinian leader called upon all Muslims to pray for the sudden and swift conversion of all Israeli Jews to Islam "which would bring a swift end to years of conflict."
-- Mr. Arafat will use a portion of his wealth to pay for gigantic public paintings of his smiling face "which will warm the hearts and calm the minds of the Palestinian people."

(2003-09-05) -- A new school voucher program which passed a Senate committee today, would free up seats in Washington D.C. public schools for the children of members of Congress, and other government officials.

The $7,500 vouchers would go to D.C. families with children who are failing in the public schools, helping them to pay private school tuition.

Democrat members of Congress are said to be "champing at the bit" to put their own children into the newly-vacated public classroom seats.

Senator Mary Landrieu, D-LA, whose own two children have been forced to attend a private school, will soon enroll them in Malcolm X Elementary School.

"Finally, my children can attend school among the kind of working-class people who make this country great," said Mrs. Landrieu. "We Democrats depend on the votes of minorities and the underprivileged, and now I'll be sitting in PTA meetings side-by-side with them. And my kids will get to know first-hand the challenges caused by the yawning gap between the haves and have nots."

(2003-09-05) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today proposed that France lead a United Nations force to stabilize Iraq and prepare the nation for so called "self rule."

"This was our plan all along," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "The French and Germans have been pretending to oppose us in Iraq. I can show you documents where Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder agreed to behave like sniveling self-interested ninnies before the war. Then, once we had achieved victory, they would act like arrogant rat snakes, until the U.S. pretended to care about world opinion. Then we'd all join hands, sing Kumbaya and send in the blue helmets under the baton of Kofi Annan."

Mr. Rumsfeld said the plan was designed to "eject Saddam Hussein and install a puppet democracy welfare state then hand out oil franchises like AOL CDs to Security Council members."

The Defense Secretary described the plan as "an unmitigated success."

(2003-09-04) -- Beloit College has provided its professors with its annual Mindset List, to give them a sense of the worldview of incoming freshmen.

Here are some excerpts from the list illustrating the perspective of students born in 1983.

-- From their point of view, Ronald Reagan is an airport.
-- Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Martin Sheen are the only presidents they have ever known.
-- The childhood tackling game "smear the queer" is a hate crime.
-- Pornography and flag desecration are protected speech.

-- The Second World War was directed by Steven Spielberg and starred Tom Hanks.
-- Weapons of mass destruction (WMD) include second-hand smoke and sport utility vehicles, and there are none in Iraq.
-- The great political minds of this generation include Sean Penn, Johnny Depp, Barbra Streisand, George Clooney and Janeane Garafalo.
-- Dinner with the family happens only in the minivan.
-- Elections determine who gets kicked off the island.
-- Everyone remembers where they were when the Oslo accords were signed, bringing everlasting peace to the middle east.
-- America has always been the greatest threat to world peace.
-- Islam is a religion of peace.
-- Since Oprah has not yet recommended their books, today's freshmen don't know the names Alexis de Tocqueville or Adam Smith.
-- Although they've never heard of Ozzie and Harriet, they think Ozzy and Sharon are the ideal parents.
-- Everybody remembers where they were when they heard that John F. Kennedy's plane had crashed into the ocean.
-- For girls born in 1983, freedom means getting an abortion.
-- For boys born in 1983, freedom means not having to care for one's offspring.
-- They have never sprayed on deodorant.
-- Self-evident truth is an oxymoron.
-- Liberal means progressive.
-- Conservative means extremist.
-- They'll never read this list, since it's too long to IM.

(2003-09-04) -- Senator Ernest F. Hollings, D-SC, today fixed the blame for failures at NASA which resulted in the space shuttle disaster primarily on himself and his colleagues in Congress.

"Since we provide the funding and oversight for the agency, the buck stops here," said Mr. Hollings. "Far be it from the Congress to look for a scapegoat on NASA's staff, or to critique the culture. We're ultimately responsible for the culture. We play the music to which they dance."

Congress is expected to issue a formal apology to the families of shuttle astronauts accepting blame for its role in the crash.

"Leadership means taking responsibility," said Mr. Hollings. "We in Congress must be role models for America's children by doing the right thing."

(2003-09-03) -- Since the $500 billion cost of rebuilding Iraq is too high, the Bush administration plans to close it and sell off its assets by the end of the year.

"It's strictly a business decision," said an unnamed State department spokesman. "Iraq was an underperforming asset which became a cash-sucking liability. I'm sorry for the 22 million Iraqis, but I'm sure their Muslim neighbors will take them in and help them get back on their feet."

The administration plans to auction the land and other assets on eBay in early 2004.

(20033-09-03) -- The United Nations will likely send a multinational force of troops to Iraq starting next month.

The plan, dubbed Operation Haughty Weasel, will use U.N. troops to guard important facilities, and to win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.

"It's really a goodwill gesture," said U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. "We want to let the Iraqi people know that even though we opposed their liberation, we still love their petroleum. So...you know...no hard feelings."

(2003-09-02) -- Starting off on the road to the Democrat presidential nomination, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry today formally declared his "seething hatred" for President George Bush.

Under Democrat party rules, any politician who professes "white hot animosity" toward Mr. Bush may seek the party's presidential nomination.

"I am possessed of a raging, fiery animus toward George Bush," said Sen. Kerry. "My rancor burns bright in the kiln of my soul. More than any other Democrat candidate, I loathe Mr. Bush with a desperate, dark and malodorous loathing."

The announcement was Sen. Kerry's second major policy address this week.

(2003-09-02) -- North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il announced today that he will hold six-way talks with himself later this month.

At the summit, Mr. Kim said he will...
-- lay out his plan to defuse tensions between his country and the United States.
-- threaten to turn America into a lake of sulfuric Jell-O,
-- ask for increased U.S. economic aid,
-- denounce the evils of capitalism,
-- prove that his nuclear technology is only for power generation and
-- announce the test firing of a hydrogen cluster-bomb over Seoul.

Mr. Kim expects no major agreements at the six-way talks, but hopes to lay the foundation for further dialogue.

(2003-09-01) -- An attempt by California Gov. Gray Davis to re-invent himself has "gone horribly wrong" according to a campaign advisor.

"The idea was to get him to be more human," said the unnamed advisor, "but it backfired and Gov. Davis actually became Al Gore. He's telling personal stories but it's like listening to an Audix voice mail system."

Indeed, in a campaign appearance early Monday, Gov. Davis told a crowd of supporters, "Please listen carefully, as our stump speech selections have recently changed. To hear how I was cut from the baseball team, press one. For my daily workout routine, press two. For my Catholic Mass attendance schedule, press three. To hear why I prefer broccoli, press four. For the heartwarming story of how I met my wife, press five. For a complete list of endearing anecdotes, press seven. If you're suffering from California's flagging economy and soaring taxes, please remain on the line for our next available governor."