(2003-08-29) -- California Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante today said he is considering renouncing ties to a so-called racist organization which persists in judging a person by the color of his skin rather than the content of his character.

"I don't know if can stay with a group that promotes racial division," said Mr. Bustamante. "Their ideas have resulted in a wave of minority illiteracy and unemployment, third-generation welfare families and the deaths of countless thousands of potential black and Hispanic citizens through abortion. How can I, in good conscience, remain a member of the Democrat party?"

A gubernatorial campaign spokesman said Mr. Bustamante joined the party while in college, and should not be held responsible "for his youthful indiscretions."

(2003-08-29) -- Actor-director Mel Gibson said today that he does not hold the Jews collectively responsible for disparaging his upcoming film, The Passion.

"Some have said bad things about my film and tried to prevent its distribution or discourage people from viewing it," said Mr. Gibson. "But they're a small fraction of Jews worldwide, and only a fool would blame all Jews for the actions of a few. To paraphrase the prophet Jeremiah, each man is responsible for the consequences of his own behavior."

Brooklyn Assemblyman Dov Hikind, a Jewish Democrat, said the film about the last 12 hours of the life of Christ, "...will result in anti-Semitism and bigotry. It really takes us back to the Dark Ages ... the Inquisition, the Crusades, all for the so-called sin of the Crucifixion of Jesus."

Mr. Gibson also urged people to forgive Mr. Hikind for suggesting that crucifying an innocent man would not constitute sin.

(2003-08-28) -- The so-called 'blogosphere' today released an official statement on the potential 2004 presidential candidacy of Sen. Hillary Clinton. The complete statement reads as follows:

Please...Oh, Please...Oh, Please. Heh.

DEVELOPING...

(2003-08-28) -- A North Korean (DPRK) envoy to six-way talks in China said today that Kim Jong-Il has ordered "just one test" of the nation's nuclear weapons technology.

"If the first test goes well," said the unnamed diplomat, "then no further testing should be needed."

Delegations from the other five nations signed a joint statement hailing the announcement as "a reasonable concession and an honorable promise which guarantees peace in the region."

The United States immediately authorized massive shipments of free oil to North Korea.

The North Korean envoy said the test would occur some time soon, not far from the 38th parallel. It was not immediately clear whether the test location would be north or south of the 38th parallel.

One U.S. diplomat said, "The details are irrelevant. As long as we have some kind of promise from North Korea, these talks are a success."

(2003-08-28) -- U.S. President George Bush may invite United Nations troops into Iraq in order to salvage his damaged leadership legacy, according to an unnamed White House source.

"We're concerned about potential damage to Bush's record as the greatest Democrat ever to occupy the White House," said the source. "If he invites the United Nations in, he'll have a lock on the title. He's poised to leave FDR and LBJ in the dust, and capture the Democrat nomination for 2004."

The White House source noted the highlights of the President's great Democrat legacy. George Bush has:

-- increased federal funding and control of public education,
-- established the immense Homeland Security Department,
-- pushed through a massive new entitlement program for prescription drugs,
-- overseen the ballooning of the federal budget and deficit,
-- permitted federally-funded stem cell research and
-- continued to negotiate with Yasser Arafat and Kim Jong-Il.

"Bush has been tough on Iraq only to placate the moderates in the Democrat party," the source added. "In reality, he's more of a Howard Dean Democrat...although he's a better fundraiser than Dean."

[THIS POST NOT SATIRE]
Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963. Source: Martin Luther King, Jr: The Peaceful Warrior, Pocket Books, NY 1968

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity. But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free.

One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.

So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.

This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.

So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights.

The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. we must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

(2003-08-28) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) now believes that Saddam Hussein may have orchestrated a complicated web of lies and phony defectors in the months leading up to the war.

The Iraqi leader allegedly did it to give the impression that he was a despotic dictator who funded Palestinian terrorism, hated the United States and Israeli, and tortured and killed dissidents in Iraq. The world now knows nothing could be further from the truth.

Mr. Hussein even leaked information to Western spies to give the impression that his U.N.-verified weapons of mass destruction had not really vanished without a trace.

Experts say it's unclear whether Mr. Hussein intended to lure the United States into a Vietnam-style quagmire, or if he was concerned about the state of his nation and knew that being defeated by the U.S. is the best way to get a fast influx of cash.

In either case, experts expect President George Bush to issue an apology soon for "overthrowing this harmless, religious man of peace." The Iraqi Governing Council will then cede power back to the remnants of the Baath Party.

(2003-08-27) -- Both houses of the U.S. Congress today passed a law establishing an official religion for the nation.

The new religion suggests that adherents acknowledge a generic deity during certain public ceremonies like political speeches and ball games. Worship will consist of moments of silence, singing of an Irving Berlin show tune and pronouncing blessings upon people who sneeze.

The Bible can be used in some circumstances, but may not be read. Collection of "the offering" will be handled through the Internal Revenue Service, and charity work will be carried out by various government agencies.

"The core values of the faith are tolerance, and self-determination," said an unnamed Congressional aide who helped to draft the legislation. "If the doctrine were boiled down to one sentence it would be: God helps those who help themselves, so do anything you want as long as it doesn't bother anyone else."

Under the new law, anyone born in the United States may claim to be part of the official religion. Others will have to complete the appropriate paperwork first. The religion is expected to have little impact on business, government or other aspects of everyday American life.

(2003-08-27) -- American Indians have arranged to buy California by making payments to Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante's gubernatorial campaign.

The leading Democrat in the recall race recently received $300,000 from the Sycuan Band of the Kumeyaay Nation, a San Diego-area Indian tribe. According to an expert at Whittier Law School, Mr. Bustamante could easily reach his $12 million fundraising goal through contributions from Indian tribes alone.

"White man brought whiskey to our ancestors and bought our land for pennies an acre," said an unnamed tribal spokesman. "We brought slot machines and wine spritzers to the white man's grandma. We will use her money to buy California by purchasing the election of Mr. Bustamante."

The tribal spokesman said Mr. Bustamante has promised them he would return California to its natural condition as a place where hordes of noble savages move from place to place, betting on dice games.

(2003-08-27) -- The Cable News Network (CNN) said today that it would begin announcing daily casualty tallies related to America's various tax-funded government-run operations.

The idea came from the daily count many news organizations keep of American casualties in Iraq.

The following data will be included in CNN's new 'Casualties of the Great Society':
-- murders and other violent acts in public housing, or by recipients of public assistance
-- public school dropouts
-- condoms distributed to teens through schools and other agencies
-- abortions by teens and women on public assistance
-- low-birth weight and addicted babies born to welfare mothers
-- high school dropouts, and illiterate high school graduates imprisoned
-- welfare babies who eventually dropout of high school and become welfare mothers by illiterate high school dropouts who are wanted by the police for drug crimes

Senator Tom Daschle said that Democrats will not be deterred by "the constant drip, drip, drip of these statistics."

"Despite mounting casualties," he said, "the federal government will continue to fund public education, welfare, subsidized housing and various other entitlement programs for the good of the country."

(2003-08-26) -- A producer of Christian evangelism leaflets has just released a 6,000 lb. gospel tract inspired by Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore.

Justice Moore has been hailed as a champion of religious freedom for his defiance of a federal court order to remove a 5,300 lb. monument to the 10 Commandments from the state judicial building.

The new gospel tract explains to non-Christians how the 10 Commandments show God as a righteous judge, and how Jesus Christ manifests God as a merciful forgiver.

Although churches nationwide are eager to use the Alabama incident as a way to relate the gospel, some are reluctant to use the new "super-relevant evangelism tool.".

"I know we sing that 'Jesus is the Rock'," said one youth pastor from Effingham, Illinois, "but I'm not sure that we need a three-ton tract to prove it."

Later this month, the same company plans to produce a "gospel brickbat" that promises "to drive the message home."

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is so simple," said a company spokesman, "that we're afraid people will miss it unless we have some kind of gimmick...you know, a hook...hey, now there's an idea. I can see it now: reel 'em in with the gospel hook."

(2003-08-26) -- Shiite clerics in Iraq are locked in a vigorous debate about what kind of government will rule this nation where Shiite Muslims constitute a majority.

Young radical clerics push for the rapid, violent formation a militant Islamic dictatorship that sends out devotees on suicide missions against Americans and Israelis.

However, the older established ayatollahs insist that a democratically-elected government would be dominated by Shiites anyway, and could quietly sponsor terror strikes while outwardly maintaining friendly diplomatic relations with the United States.

"It's a cultural struggle for the soul of Islam," said an unnamed ayatollah. "Should we be terrorists, or just covertly fund terrorists? I'm praying that the moderates in the debate will prevail. We should avoid extremes and simply do a little of each."

(2003-08-26) -- Hamas, the Palestinian social services agency, has merged with the French Foreign Legion, according to sources at the European Union (EU) offices in Brussels, Belgium. The merged entity will be called The Franco-Hamas Gilles-Had.

The move by France comes as the EU debates whether to classify Hamas as a terrorist organization in the wake of last week's bus bombing in Israel.

"We're glad to hear that France is keeping the lines of communication open with Hamas," said an unnamed EU spokesman. "Peace for the Palestinians can only come through dialogue. This official recognition that Hamas and France share strategic interests will certainly foster greater communication."

(2003-08-26) -- Jack Pritchard, the U.S. negotiator who inspired the leader of the former 'North' Korea to abandon nuclear weapons development, announced his resignation today.

Mr. Pritchard's ideas and diplomatic skill ushered in the re-unification of the two Koreas during the Clinton administration, bringing peace, security and democracy to the entire Korean peninsula.

Mr. Pritchard's belief in offering incentives to dictators in exchange for promises led to this week's six-way summit at which delegates will celebrate his triumphant career, and dedicate a monument to him in Pyongyang's Freedom Square.

As one of his colleagues said, "If Jack had not essentially bribed Kim Jong-Il to disarm North Korea would still be one of the most dangerous places on earth."

(2003-08-26) -- The United States delegation to six-way talks in China about North Korean nuclear weapons is hoping for "some really wacky stuff" from Pyongyang.

"For diplomats, talking with North Korea is like breakfast with Sam Kinnison," said an unnamed envoy. "First they threaten to turn our country into a lake of fire, then they say they'll get rid of their nukes if we let them take over South Korea. It's really a riot. We like to bait them and see if we can get them to say even wackier stuff."

The career diplomat listed some threats and promises North Korea might be expected to make at the talks in Beijing:

-- We will unilaterally disarm, just as soon as we shoot all of our nuclear missiles into the gaping mouth of U.S. Undersecretary of State John Bolton.
-- If you don't let us build nuclear ICBMs, we'll turn New York City into a sea of kimchee.
-- We promise not to invade South Korea if you will appoint Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter as co-Presidents of the United States.
-- Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, will incinerate Japan with laser beams from his eyeballs unless you give him a 10-year supply of Eskimo Pies.
-- We demand Dennis Kucinich for U.S. President: Unconditionally.

(2003-08-25) -- America Online (AOL) today launched its new so-called 'blogging' feature which allows people who pay $24 per month for dial-up internet access to share their minds with the rest of humanity.

"If our subscribers are wealthy enough to pay twice what most dial-up customers pay for access," said an unnamed AOL spokesman, "they must know something that others don't. They're among the finest minds of their generation and they're leaving us at a rate of about 1,000 per day. AOL Journals is a way to capture their genius before they all slip away."

For an additional $19.95 per month, AOL subscribers can access a premium version of the blogging feature which automatically inserts headlines from CNN, Time, People and Sports Illustrated as well as channel listings from local Time Warner Cable systems, and movie trailers from films like Lord of the Rings, The Matrix and Harry Potter.

"Blogging is why we did the merger with Time Warner," said the spokesman. "We have finally monetized our synergy by getting content providers to pay us for the privilege of writing as they become channels for cross promotion of our other products."

AOL Journals include an advanced trackback ping system that alerts the so-called 'blogger' when someone has written an attack on one of his postings. Through integration with AOL Instant Messenger a pop-up alert verbally announces "You Got Fisked!"

(2003-08-25) -- The United States will send 22 million troops to Iraq this year to ensure the safety of every Iraqi and every structure in the country.

Dubbed 'Operation Buddy System' by Pentagon planners, the idea is to pair each Iraqi citizen with a battlefield-equipped soldier or Marine.

"Since we disturbed the peace by overthrowing Saddam Hussein," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman, "it's our responsibility to protect this nation. We don't know who the terrorists are, nor when and where they will attack. So, we'll just have to keep an eye each of the 22 million Iraqis 24/7."

The spokesman acknowledged that military recruiting would have to "increase substantially" to provide such a force, but in the meantime Manpower Inc. would provide temp workers to fill most of the positions. The rest would be covered by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) workers who will scan and frisk Iraqis coming from, and going to, anywhere.

(2003-08-23) -- In his first King Features Syndicate column, veteran TV journalist Walter Cronkite explains why most reporters are politically conservative.

Mr. Cronkite's new column, called "And that's the way I see it...", offers two reasons for the conservative bias among journalists.

1) Most reporters came up through the ranks observing the harsh inequalities created by the federal government's various dependency programs which result in de facto segregation, creating a permanent underclass in American society. Since big government social engineering fosters these inequalities, journalists tend to lean toward the conservative values of self-reliance, strong families, and communities where neighbors help neighbors rather than rely on remote bureaucrats.

2) Journalists tend to side with the powerless rather than the powerful, because they have seen how powerful politicians and government agencies can rob one group of people of their money then use it to strip other citizens of their dignity while ostensibly trying to "help" them.

"As a journalist, my heart bleeds for the oppressed," wrote Mr. Cronkite, "and that's why I'm a conservative. There...I've said it...and I'm unashamed."

(2003-08-23) -- A Boston teenager said tonight that he can't wait to receive the "wicked screensaver" he ordered this week through an email marketing company.

"The subject of the email caught my eye," said the unnamed teen. "I've been looking for a really wicked screensaver, so I opened the attachment. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but after that I got another email that said 'Thank You!'...so, I guess they got my order. I'm really excited about how wicked this screensaver is going to be. It's probably all black with a red design that suddenly makes a startling screeching noise."

The youth said he has already sent a note to about 750 friends in his address book telling them that he ordered the wicked screensaver.

(2002-08-22) -- An Alabama federal judge ruled tonight that a monument inscribed with the so-called 10 Commandments can stay in the state judicial building, however, the judge's order repeals the actual commandments.

"This case isn't about a big chunk of stone," wrote the unnamed federal judge. "The real problem is the commandments themselves. I hereby repeal all 10 of the commandments."

The judge wrote that the commandments are "antiquated, provincial and short-sighted. Our modern ideas of what constitutes murder, adultery, theft and lying are much more progressive."

"The monument can stay in the building," the judge wrote, "as a relic of a bygone era when our simple-minded ancestors believed this kind of thing -- a time when people still thought of things in terms of right and wrong."

(2008-08-22) -- The United Nations today began distribution of mandatory prescriptions of Ritalin for all Iraqis.

A spokesman said the U.N. hopes to reduce the incidence of violence through use of the medication, which is often prescribed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) among American school boys.

"Iraqis cannot be held responsible for their misbehavior," said the unnamed spokesman. "There must be a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes them to destroy their own water and oil supplies, shoot troops who liberated their country and even bomb the U.N. which opposed the liberation of their country. Clearly, this is a medical condition which may be mitigated with Ritalin."

U.N. psychologists are also investigating the connection between irrational acts of violence by some Iraqis and consumption of transfats and nicotine.

"We're also exploring several co-dependency theories as we speak," the spokesman said. "The only thing we have ruled out is the presence of so-called 'evil' in the human heart. That is a myth disproven by science."

(2003-08-22) -- Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore today ordered the installation of another stone monument in the rotunda of the state judicial building.

The move comes as Justice Moore continues to defy a federal judge's order to remove a Ten Commandments monument from the building.

The new monument is a simple stone block engraved on top with the words of the Alabama state oath of office which Justice Moore and other state officials have sworn to uphold.

Here is the text of the oath: "I solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support the Constitution of the United States, and the Constitution of the State of Alabama, so long as I continue a citizen thereof; and that I will faithfully and honestly discharge the duties of the office upon which I am about to enter, to the best of my ability. So help me God."

The front of the monument bears these words from the preamble to the Alabama Constitution: "We, the people of the State of Alabama, in order to establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution and form of government for the State of Alabama"

One side of the monument contains a phrase from the U.S. Declaration of Independence: "...with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

The other side of the stone displays part of the text of the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

(2003-08-21) -- The Iraqi general formerly known as 'Chemical Ali' was captured this morning by Coalition troops.

However, Ali Hassan al-Majid is now officially known as 'Conventional Ali,' since it is common knowledge that Iraq had no chemical weapons program.

"The thousands of Iraqis and Kurds who we thought were gassed on Al-Majid's orders, must have died from breathing the smoke of conventional weapons or perhaps sand dust," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. "But Conventional Ali will still be charged with misdemeanor violations of some environmental regulations about dust control at work sites."

The Pentagon had previously said that 'Conventional Ali' had died in an air strike in April.

Today an unnamed Pentagon spokesman said, "He'll wish he were dead when he gets done serving six-to-nine months in jail for his crimes."

(2003-08-20) -- Yasser Arafat, chairman of the Palestinian Authority, today ordered police to raid known hideouts of Hamas and Islamic Jihad and to apprehend all suspected terrorists "dead or alive."

Mr. Arafat's order comes in the wake of a yesterday's Israeli bus bombing which killed 20 civilians, including five Americans, and injured more than 100 persons. The latest terror attack again called into question the commitment of Mr. Arafat's government to the so-called Roadmap for Peace.

"I'm sick to death of these ruthless, gutless, murderous parasites scuttling every peace initiative," said a visibly agitated Mr. Arafat. "We will hunt down the evil cowards who plan these murders, and who often use brainwashed youth as weapons. We will put them in prisons or execute them, if we take them alive. Killing Israeli civilians does not advance our goal of peace for Palestine. We will show the world that we are civilized people who keep our word."

Immediately after Mr. Arafat's news conference, Palestinian police armed with automatic weapons began scouring the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

(2003-08-20) -- Iraqi Muslim clerics this week proposed a "Bill of Rights" modeled on the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution. A spokesman said the document demonstrates the commitment of Islamic leaders to a "progressive and free Iraq."

The following is the English translation of the Iraqi bill of rights which will accompany the soon-to-be-released Iraqi constitution...

1 -- Iraqi Congress shall make no law without the approval of Muslim religious leaders, nor shall anyone speak, nor publish anything, nor assemble peaceably without such approval.

2 -- A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the maintenance of Jihad, the right of the people to keep and bear shoulder-launched Rocket Propelled Grenades, shall not be abridged.

3 -- No foreign Soldier shall be allowed to protect Iraqi citizens, or to restore damaged infrastructure or to spend his money on Iraqi products and services.

4 -- The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures is unreasonable.

5 -- No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, committed in the name of Allah and in pursuit of Jihad; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy, since the penalty phase of a trial usually discourages repeat offenses.

6 -- In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial and dismemberment or execution.

7 -- In Suits at common law, the right of trial by Imam shall be preserved.

8 -- Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, because cruel and unusual punishment usually does the trick.

9 -- The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to mean anything.

10 -- The powers not delegated to Muslim clerics by the Constitution are hereby delegated to Muslim clerics.

(2003-08-20) -- A federal judge in Alabama has ordered the state to remove "No Parking" signs currently posted around government buildings.

"The signs are a relic of an antiquated morality that allows a small group of people to impose their will on the majority," the unnamed judge wrote. "We learned during Prohibition that you cannot solve problems by passing laws and punishing wrongdoers. What right does the state have to say 'Thou shalt not park'?"

The judge said his ruling is consistent with precedent which forbids the posting of the so-called "Ten Commandments" in a state judicial building.

"The law has no foundation, Divine or otherwise," he wrote. "The law is what the court says it is today, and if it says something else tomorrow, then that is the law."

(2003-08-20) -- An unnamed leader of Hamas, the Palestinian social services agency, said today that his group is enjoying the truce which is the first step in the so-called Roadmap for Peace.

"The truce is a blast," said the Hamas leader. "The Israelis are much more relaxed lately. And the Palestinians are eager to grasp this opportunity. It's like the Jews and Palestinians are side-by-side on the same bus headed in the same direction."

(2003-08-20) -- Saudi Arabia's al-Jambalaya TV today broadcast an audiotape reportedly made by the terrorists responsible for series of destructive acts in Iraq during the past week. On the tape, the voice explains the group's terror strategy.

"We want the Coalition troops to leave, but when we shoot at them, they shoot back," said the unidentified voice. "So, we blew up a water main, but that caused a flood. Then we blew up an oil pipeline, but that caused fire and smoke. We wanted a target that we could blow up without any negative aftermath. So, we blew up the United Nations building."

(2003-08-20) -- In his first major policy address since the gubernatorial recall was certified, Gov. Gray Davis laid out a clear vision for the future of California.

"I have a dream of a California governed by a man named Gray," he said, in a stirring oratorical flourish that brought the audience to its feet. "I have a dream of living in Sacramento, in a big house provided by taxpayers."

Supporters agreed that Gov. Davis is a visionary with a substantive agenda for the remainder of his gubernatorial term, currently scheduled to end in early October 2003.

(2003-08-20) -- Oracle predicted today that a U.S. Justice Department anti-trust review of its hostile bid for rival PeopleSoft will conclude by November.

The review is expected to have little impact on prophets.

DEVELOPING...

(2003-08-19) -- U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft, in an effort to convince people that the so-called USA Patriot Act is good for America, today announced the launch of his 12-city Peekaboolooza Tour.

According to a statement from Mr. Ashcroft's office: "We want to overcome some misperceptions about our anti-terrorism efforts, and provide some righteous good finger-poppin' tunes.

Included on the Peekaboolooza Tour will be Kenny Gordy (AKA Rockwell) performing his 1984 hit "(I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Watching Me."

The Justice Department said the tour will include other chart-topping artists yet to be named.

(2003-08-19) -- In an unusually terse ruling, the Federal Communication Commission (FCC) today told America Online (AOL): "Do whatever you want...losers."

The decision repeals FCC restrictions on transmitting video over the AOL Instant Messenger system and "any other fool thing AOL wants to try."

FCC Chairman Michael Powell said the original restrictions were designed to prevent the "synergistic" colossus AOL Time Warner from "monetizing" its "rich content" through its "ubiquitous" messenging "pipeline" thus dominating the known universe.

"But now that AOL Time Warner is practically a penny stock, we don't really care what they do," said Mr. Powell. "I think they should merge with Pepsi and dispense soft drinks through IM. Yeah....heh...indeed."

(2003-08-18) -- California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger today announced plans for a televised debate in which he will match wits and words against members of his own campaign team.

"My staff and advisors are all over the map politically and ideologically," said Mr. Schwarzenegger. "We want to use this TV debate to develop some major ideas that I can stand for. Because whatever those ideas are, I'm going to lead people to accept them. Because I am a leader with leadership qualities, and a destiny to lead and of course a leaders' vision."

The candidate said he already has a six-figure deal with HBO for the right to televise the debate.

(2003-08-18) -- The University of Michigan today announced it will offer a new course called "How to a Run a University for Fun and Profit." The news comes a day after a Washington Times story about another Michigan course called "How to Be Gay."

"People think we're some sort of stodgy nonprofit educational institution," said one unnamed professor. "The reality is that running a university is a kick, and a cash cow. Thousands of parents pump in millions of dollars, thinking their kids will be engineers and doctors. But it's cheaper to teach them how to be homosexuals, and there are few careers more lucrative than owning a university."

The syllabus for "How to Run a University for Fun and Profit" includes the following lectures:
-- Curriculum Magic: Zany course offerings that bring free publicity.
-- They don't call that degree B.S. for nothing.
-- Finance your business with government-backed loans your customer repays.
-- Graduate Assistants: The migrant workers of higher ed.
-- Flunk the customer, and still get paid.
-- What a business! And it's all still legal.

(2003-08-18) -- A state superior court judge has barred cameras from the California gubernatorial recall campaign.

"The presence of video and still cameras on the campaign," the judge wrote, "would transform it from a reasoned discussion of the issues and the records of the candidates, to a theatrical performance akin to a so-called 'reality' TV show."

Voters would not be well served by a "gubernatorial beauty and charisma contest," the judge wrote. The electorate deserves a detailed written analysis of each candidate's economic plans, and descriptions of their philosophies of governance.

The judge also cited the Federal Communication Commission's so-called "equal time provision" under which all 135 gubernatorial candidates could appeal for equal time if any other candidate appeared on TV.

"This would be an unreasonable intrusion on Californians," the judge ruled. "It could virtually obliterate crucial primetime entertainment programming."

(2003-08-18) -- To prevent future massive power outages, Congress took up debate today on a bill that would provide $50 billion to fund a new wireless electrical power grid.

"The problem with the current power grid is all those wires, switches, substations and towers," said a Congressional aide who helped draft the legislation. "Our bill calls for a wireless system that would send electricity directly from the generating plants, through the ether, to individual homes. It's kind of like an electromagnetic pulse that never stops."

The wireless power system would unshackle consumers forever from cords, plugs and outlets. Basically, all electrical appliances could be operated anywhere, since the air would be full of high-voltage electricity everywhere at all times. Industry experts are still trying to determine how to track consumer usage for billing purposes.

Democrats in Congress say they will offer an amendment to the bill which would make electricity "free," and would increase the income tax to pay for the system.

(2003-08-18) -- Iraqi "freedom fighters" who have been launching attacks against Coalition troops and destroying their nation's infrastructure, today announced a new tactic in their war against freedom in Iraq.

A recorded statement aired on the Saudi Al-Jarreau television said:
"We suddenly realized that our valiant violent attacks are just extending the stay of the infidels' military. We announce an immediate ceasefire, and call upon all of Allah's children to carry out a nonviolent Jihad by going back to work, cleaning up our neighborhoods and remaining peaceful. Once the Coalition monkey-swine have returned to their cesspools of immorality, we can again assert the rule of Allah in Iraq."

(2003-08-17) -- As Icelandic whalers begin their first legal hunt since 1989, the nation's taxidermists are preparing for boom times.

"Since whale kills have become so rare," said one unnamed taxidermist, "these hunters are going to want to have their trophies stuffed and mounted to hang over their mantles."

While taxidermists say that most hunters will likely want to display only the head, due to the substantial cost, some will want the entire mammal carcass preserved.

"The Minke whale grows up to 30 feet long, which is too big for display in most Icelandic homes," said the taxidermist. "But I can do what I call a 'sectional' which allows the hunter to hang the head on one wall, the body on another and the tail on a third. It's considered really cutting edge in the industry."

(2003-08-16) -- Coalition military forces withdrew from Iraq overnight and major Iraqi cities experienced their first night of peace since early March.

"Now that the occupiers have fled, we can return to governing ourselves," said an unnamed resident of Baghdad.

A national referendum is scheduled for October, when all adult men and women may go to the polls to approve or reject the proposed Iraqi constitution.

Under the terms of the document, citizens will elect representatives who will advocate their interests in the bicameral national assembly. The people will also choose a president whose limited powers will be kept in check by the legislature and multi-tiered judicial system. The guiding principle of the proposed Iraqi constitution is that power flows from the people to the government.

Iraq's leading Sunni and Shiite clerics jointly announced this morning that they would withdraw from politics, and focus their preaching on the peaceful teachings of the Koran.

Skilled laborers throughout the land immediately went to work repairing the nation's neglected and war-damaged infrastructure -- fixing oil refineries and pipelines, electrical generators and water systems.

"As you can see," said a young woman in Tikrit, "it was only the presence of Coalition troops that restrained our natural liberty and national unity. With the oppressors gone, we shall rapidly become a beacon of freedom and equal opportunity under law."

(2003-08-16) -- An electricity industry expert has traced the path of this week's blackout surge which left some 50 million North Americans without power.

Dr. Reuben Goldberg, who heads the North American Electric Reliability Council, mapped the course of the blackout for journalists at a news conference this morning.

The problem apparently started, according to Dr. Goldberg, in an Ohio automobile plant, where an autoworker eating lunch squirted some mayonnaise from his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich onto the floor at 3:37 p.m. on Thursday.

A janitor noticing the spill at 3:48 p.m. fetched a mop and began to swab the floor. While backing up to mop his own tracks from the floor, the janitor accidentally stabbed the butt of the mop handle through a plate glass window which triggered the factory's security alarm.

The sudden blare of the alarm startled a large rat which was traversing a cable above one of the plants power transformers. The rat fell across two high-voltage lines, causing the transformer to short circuit then explode. Results of the autopsy on the rat were inconclusive as to cause of death given the proximity of the jolt to the blast.

The explosion rocked a nearby vending machine, toppling a half-empty can of Mountain Dew which a careless worker had left atop the machine. The sticky sweet fluid ran down the wall and bridged the prongs of the vending machine's plug, causing another short circuit and a brief power surge which blew out several light bulbs including one above the head of the worker who had originally spilled the mayonnaise. He is the plant electrician.

As he staggered about his work station feeling for a flashlight, his elbow inadvertently bumped a lever which controls the flow of power to assembly line number three. The line stopped with a jerk, causing another autoworker to drop a rather large pneumatic wrench on his foot.

Just that morning, the employee had accidentally dumped a full cup of coffee into his left steel-toed boot, forcing him to come to work in ordinary hiking boots. The impact of the wrench on his great toe caused him to bend at the waist suddenly. His head smote the side-view mirror of the car upon which he had been working.

His supervisor, noticing that one of his men was down, pressed a button which alerted the plant's medical staff to the emergency situation on line three.

As the medical staff scrambled to aide the fallen autoworker, said Dr. Goldberg, three high-voltage transmission lines elsewhere in Ohio probably failed inexplicably causing a domino-effect shutdown of the power grid across the United States.

"As you can see," he added. "It was a simple cause-and-effect situation. We're addressing it by developing new lunch regulations regarding condiments on sandwiches."

(2003-08-15) -- After adding Warren Buffett, George P. Schultz and Rob Lowe to his team of advisors, gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to expand his staff by naming a Gaffer, Best Boy and Dolly Grip as early as tomorrow.

While the candidate was characteristically tight-lipped about the selections, insiders say voters will see some familiar names.

"If you typically stick around until the movie credits end, you may recognize these folks," said one unnamed campaign aide. "Arnold continues to attract the best in the business, and to demonstrate that he is a candidate of substance."

The Best Boy usually assists the Gaffer, who is in charge of the electrical department. The Dolly Grip moves the camera dolly on the track.

In an effort to deflect rumors about his attitudes toward women, insiders think Schwarzenegger will name a female as Best Boy.

(2003-08-15) -- U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NYArk, said today that the electrical power grid in America "suddenly became antiquated early last year, and George Bush hasn't done a thing about it."

"When my husband was in office, the power grid was like new," said Sen. Clinton. "But right after he left, the grid got all rusty and decayed...like some form of mechanical progeria. But President Bush was so distracted by the war on Iraq that he has tragically inconvenienced 50 million people."

The Senator said she will introduce a bill today nationalizing the electricity industry, and putting it under the control of Morgan Freeman, who was a prominent member of the 1970s PBS children's show The Electric Company.

(2003-08-15) -- The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) announced today that its fall lineup will include 'Straight Eye for the Homo Guy', a new show based on a similarly-named program on another network.

On each episode a team of five heterosexual males will do a "makeover" on one homosexual man.

Preview screenings of the pilot showed the five guys uncomfortably shuffling around the menswear section at Wal-Mart picking out trousers for a guy named Maurice, who they refused to take with them.

The men get frustrated after about 30 seconds and ask a blue-vested store associate if she could just find them something in the proper size. Things get tense when they're asked which one of them will wear the pants, and they struggle to admit they're buying the slacks for another guy.

"He's a relative," one man says quickly. "Uh...yeah...my brother...our brother...we're all brothers, and we're buying the pants for our other brother and he's in a coma...but he'll be out soon, and he'll need pants. And that's what we're doing."

Destined to be a ratings hit, 'Straight Eye' also includes "coaching sessions" where the hetero-males tell the homosexual helpful things like "clothing is strictly for warmth and to cover your body, not to draw attention to yourself. Buy clothes which blend with your surroundings....like camouflage gear."

In another scene, the team takes their subject to a Barber Shop to "get a real haircut." While he waits, they force him to read an issue of "Guns & Ammo."

(2003-08-14) -- A widespread electrical power outage affected some 20 million North Americans tonight, but none were so hard hit as writers of so-called weblogs, a kind of online journal.

With no electricity, many "bloggers" were forced to post their latest musings to the Internet by candlelight. Some resorted to using old-fashioned kerosene-fueled personal computers. Others wrote their thoughts out longhand on paper then ran through the streets reading them aloud to the passing crowds of stranded commuters.

Andrew Sullivan immediately posted an essay claiming that bloggers had brought down the power grid "just like we brought down Trent Lott and Howell Raines."

But there were some bright spots in the midst of the darkness. Dozens of blogs set up PayPal donation links to a fund for purchasing backup power systems for bloggers in the outage area.

And while traffic snarls frustrated urban commuters, traffic at InstaPundit.com spiked to more than 7,500 visitors in the hour following the start of the blackout.

(2003-08-14) -- Gov. Ed Rendell announced today that his administration will adopt every child in Pennsylvania to make sure each gets a good education.

The announcement follows release of a report indicating more than half of the Commonwealth's public schools are failing to meet the federal government "No Child Left Behind" standards.

Initially, Gov. Rendell proposed increasing the state's share of school funding to 50 percent and adding new early childhood programs including pre-kindergarten, full-day kindergarten and tutoring.

"But then I realized," the Governor said, "that if we're going to have the child for 20 years, six hours per day -- that's more time than most parents spend with their kids. So, on behalf of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I'm adopting every child in the state from birth to age 21."

The state will also set up an automatic bank draft system to pull money from the birth-parents' accounts to fund education, medical care, room and board.

Education experts agree that poor performance in public schools is due to a combination of low taxes and bad parenting. The adoption measure should address both of these "systemic flaws."

(200-08-14) -- Utah Gov. Michael O. Leavitt, President Bush's nominee for director of Environmental Protection (EPA), said he plans to drain and pave the nation's swamps, open all federal lands to vigorous strip mining and permit visitors to Yellowstone National Park to "harvest" one grizzly bear per day.

"Humans have a manifest destiny to conquer and dominate nature," said Gov. Leavitt. "No more will Americans be passive victims of nature's whims, allowing stupid amphibians to decide where we live and work and drive."

He suggested environmental protectionists "should be released into the wilderness where they can struggle for survival side-by-side with the bugs, grubs, weeds and vermin they love so well."

Although Gov. Leavitt has a record of protecting the air, water and land in his home state, he said he decided to "take a more aggressive stance" when he learned that the media would label him a conservative extremist in spite his actual record.

"The menu at the EPA cafeteria will include the meat of many endangered species," he added. "And we will immediately launch a PR campaign to improve the image of mercury-laden fish, which are surprisingly tasty despite what you may have read."

(2003-08-13) -- Despite previous refusal to negotiate with North Korea, the Bush administration announced today that it might be willing to grant "certain concessions" if Pyongyang allows inspection of its nuclear facilities.

If North Korea permits the inspections, the United States will turn over all hot dog concessions at Yankee Stadium, the soft pretzel carts at Kansas City's Kauffman Stadium and the lemonade concession at Niagara Falls.

White House sources say North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is also pressing to include "strategic street-corner kimchee concessions" in the deal.

(2003-08-13) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) today announced that it has arrested three unnamed CIA agents and prevented a "virtual missile attack".

In a complex triple sting operation, a CIA agent posing as an arms dealer purchased a shoulder-launched missile from a CIA agent posing as a weapons manufacturer and sold it to another CIA agent posing as a terrorist who pretended he wanted to bring down an American passenger jet.

The arrests follow yesterdays announcement that a British arms dealer was in custody after buying a disabled missile from Russian spies and selling it to American spies. No actual terrorists were involved in the transaction.

"This just demonstrates how easy it is for the world's top spies to pretend to do dangerous things," said a CIA spokesman. "I shudder to think of what could happen if terrorists had access to our network of international intelligence agents, and our huge, vaguely-designated budgets."

(2003-08-13) -- New legislation requiring a Presidential "finding" for so-called "special ops" by U.S. military forces will help prevent terror attacks, according to a Senate source.

The finding, similar to that used for covert intelligence operations, would have to be sent to the Senate before the special operations force could be deployed.

"By forcing the President to send his finding to the Senate, we'll slow down special ops," said an unnamed Senate staffer. "We never want to startle our enemies, because it upsets them and gives them a reason to attack us."

Since Senators will have the Presidential finding before the special military operation, they can anonymously leak information to the media, thus ensuring that the enemy won't be surprised by the action.

"Our national defense depends on reducing things we do that might anger our enemies," said the source.

(2003-08-12) -- Michael Moore, author of 'Stupid White Men', filed suit today against Al Franken, author of 'Lies and Lying Liars Who Tell Them', for trademark infringement.

According to the lawsuit, "Michael Moore's 'bitter liberal' shtick is well established, and Mr. Franken has no right to confuse the reading public by releasing this sniping, vitriolic attack on conservative pundits."

Mr. Franken's attorney issued this brief statement: "Al Franken was an openly-bitter liberal before anyone had heard of Mr. Moore."

The 82-page court filing also claims that Mr. Franken's book "steals" Mr. Moore's thesis that conservatives are uniquely ignorant and dishonest.

(2003-08-11) -- About two-thirds of Californians support recalling Gov. Gray Davis, and 58 percent of the state's citizens have declared their candidacy for the office.

"The ballot's going to be bigger than the Los Angeles phone book," said one state elections official. "And we've decided to list the names of all the candidates in order of their body mass index."

The election threatens to split the state.

"Most of my close friends, and dozens of relatives are running for governor," said one unnamed Sacramento resident. "How am I going to tell all the others that I didn't vote for them?"

(2003-08-08) -- Gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger (who is a Republican) said today that he's running for office because he wants to "give back California."

"Instead of defending our borders against illegal immigrants," he said, "let's just secede from the Union and give back California to Mother Mexico."

California was a province of Mexico from 1821 until the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo ended the Mexican-American war in 1848. It didn't officially join the United States until September 9, 1850.

"We would get more jobs through NAFTA, end the arguments about bilingual education, reduce our taxes and finally have authentic Mexican restaurants," said Mr. Schwarzenegger.

The candidate's campaign staff said the bodybuilder-turned-actor has "lots more great ideas like that."

(2003-08-08) -- After throwing out the confessions of two accused Cuban hijackers, a Miami judge ordered FBI agents involved in their arrest to watch 80 hours of 1970s era "cop shows".

The judge excluded the confessions from the trial because FBI agents failed to advise the accused of their so-called Miranda rights.

"Every TV viewer knows that as soon as you cuff the perp, the arresting agent says, 'You have the right to remain silent...blah, blah, blah'," said U.S. Magistrate Judge John O'Sullivan. "After 80 hours of Kojak, McCloud and Hawaii Five-O, these FBI agents won't make that mistake again."

(2003-08-08) -- Confusion about the wording of a resolution caused the Episcopal House of Deputies to reject "blessing gay unions" yesterday.

The resolution was returned to committee for more research to determine exactly which unions are 'gay'.

While members of the United Auto Workers, for example, earn relatively high wages, frequent labor disputes lead many Episcopalians to believe that they're not really gay.

"How could you be happy with so much labor strife," said one unnamed church deputy. "We're not opposed to blessing these unions, but we just want to make sure we have agreement on what we mean by 'gay unions'."

In other action, the Episcopal church approved allowing local churches to "celebrate and bless" pairs of homosexuals who pledge mutual sexual fidelity for life.

(2003-08-07) -- Political supporters of Arnold Schwarzenegger say the new gubernatorial candidate reminds them of another California governor, former President Ronald Reagan.

"They both acted in movies," said one unnamed campaign volunteer. "Arnold is a Republican like Reagan was. They...uh...both breathe a mixture of oxygen and nitrogen, have bilateral symmetry, opposable thumbs, central nervous systems and networks of lymph glands. Arnold is just so much like Ronald Reagan."

(2003-08-07) -- In his first "major policy speech" since his Saturday Night Live appearance, former Vice President Al Gore today laid out "a statesman-like vision for America".

Political scientists and Constitutional scholars have already dubbed the speech a "classic" calling it the "Trousers Ablaze Manifesto."

"Mr. Gore demonstrated his towering intellect," said one unnamed scholar. "He essentially said to the President of the United States, 'Liar, Liar, pants on fire!' But it was the way he said it that will ensconce this address in the annals of majestic oratory."

At a pace reminiscent of a digital metronome, Mr. Gore analyzed the policies of the Bush administration, and concluded "everything Bush says is a big fat lie, or rather a pattern of big fat lies."

Scholars continue to lament the passing of this "policy genius" from the political scene. As one noted, "Mr. Gore sounded very ex-vice-presidential."

(2003-08-06) -- Leaked portions Al Gore's upcoming major policy speech, which the former Vice President will deliver tomorrow night, have fueled speculation about his political future.

"I have no intention of seeking the Presidency ever again," Mr. Gore reportedly will say. "I am not a candidate. I will not be a candidate. I just want to return to my life as a simple tobacco farmer and be left alone."

Mr. Gore's former campaign manager, Donna Brazile, said she doesn't know how to interpret those statements, "but Howard Dean's 15 minutes of fame may be over."

Political strategist Susan Estrich said, "It's my understanding that the Clintons may have left some oxygen in the room for the Democrat presidential candidates, and Gore plans to inhale it."

(2003-08-06) -- Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said today that the high court must become less provincial and take into account intergalactic law in future rulings.

The remark comes after Justice Ginsburg told the American Constitution Society, a liberal lawyers group, that she and her high court colleagues "are becoming more open to comparative and international law perspectives."

Such international perspectives heavily influenced the court in its recent decision to overturn a Texas law banning sodomy.

"Our island or lone ranger mentality is beginning to change," said Justice Ginsburg. "We are the losers if we do not both share our experiences with and learn from others."

While the Supreme Court does not yet have direct access to intergalactic court rulings, she said "much can be learned from archival episodes of Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and of course, the Star Wars movies."

(2003-08-06) -- Iran and North Korea and placed a joint advertisement in the Chronicle of Global Terror seeking a new member of the so-called Axis of Evil.

"Since Saddam fell, we're like Charlie's Angels without Farrah Fawcett," said North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, "Two points does not an axis make."

According to reports in a Japanese newspaper, North Korea and Iran are working together to develop long-range nuclear missiles. But it's lonely work, say sources in both countries.

"When Saddam was with us on conference calls, he was always cracking jokes about the downfall of Western civilization," said Mr. Kim. "Then we would all do that Simon Barsinister evil laughter. Ah, memories."

The ad in the Chronicle reads, in part: "Seeking third nation to join Axis of Evil. Must be proficient in nuclear technology, have iron-fisted control of your people, and a burning desire to snuff out the candles of Christianity and capitalism. Some experience required. Will train the right candidate."

(2003-08-05) -- The National Basketball Association announced today that it will refuse to accept any "dirty Kobe money" it may receive from the increased interest generated by Kobe Bryant's sexual assault case.

NBA Commissioner David Stern made the announcement after Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban said, "From a business perspective, it's great for the NBA. It's reality television, people love train wreck television and you hate to admit it, but that is the truth, that's the reality today."

Commissioner Stern said that any increase in ticket or merchandise sales due to media coverage of the Lakers star's case will be donated to charity.

"The idea that we would profit from buzz generated by alleged criminal activity is abhorrent to the NBA," said Mr. Stern. "Our reputation as a clean sport that provides positive role models for youngsters must continue unsullied. We will not allow one lone adulterer to ruin the pristine record of NBA players."

(2003-08-05) -- The National Education Association (NEA) today hailed Massachusetts school superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy as "a symbol of hope for public school teachers."

The NEA said Mr. Laboy's failure to pass a basic literacy test proves that the ability to read and write is overrated; therefore teachers whose students can't communicate in English shouldn't be criticized.

"Communication skills are nice, but you don't really need them to succeed," said the NEA source. "People shouldn't attack the NEA because students can't read and write. The truth is -- it just doesn't matter. Mr. Laboy earns more than $150,000 per year in a highly-respected profession. He's a symbol of hope for many public school teachers."

(2003-08-05) -- Democrat National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said today that America is not ready for his party to nominate its first openly-liberal candidate in the post-Reagan era.

"Officially we have a 'don't ask-don't tell' policy regarding liberalism," said Mr. McAuliffe. "No openly-liberal candidate will receive the nomination."

The DNC manual suggests that secretly-liberal candidates refrain from public displays of affection for big government, higher taxes and weaker national defense. Studies show that while mainstream Americans favor tolerance for liberal ideas -- like increasing government control of schools and tax-funded prescription drugs -- they would rather call it something else, like "compassionate conservatism."

Mr. McAuliffe said that none of the top Democrat candidates is openly liberal.

"Everyone knows that Dean is a fiscal conservative," he said. "Lieberman is a social conservative, and John Kerry is a professional Vietnam veteran married to a wealthy heiress. If any of them are closet liberals, they only act on it in the privacy of their offices."

(2003-08-04) -- In a move designed to ensure the ongoing alliance between the United States and the Gulf Emirate of Qatar, President George Bush's daughter, Jenna, will marry Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, the newly anointed crown prince of Qatar.

Sheikh Tamim was elevated to crown prince yesterday by his father Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, the Emir of Qatar. The President said the arranged marriage would further the rapid progress of democratic reforms in Qatar, and the region.

After the wedding, the President's daughter will officially be called Princess Jenna Aruba Bahama Comon Pyrdi Mama Queen Latifa Celantro Quasi Modo Beluga Klalifa al-Jarreau.

(2003-08-05) -- Crown Prince Abdullah, the de facto ruler of Saudi Arabia, announced today his subjects may now legally "entertain private thoughts at appropriate intervals."

The monarch's proclamation is part of sweeping reforms aimed at opening up the political process in the kingdom.

Later this year, as part of the modernization movement, the Prince will officially change his name to The Monarch Formerly Known As Crown Prince Abdullah (TMFKACPA).

Fifteen of the 19 terrorists who struck America on September 11, 2001 were Saudi Arabian subjects.

(2003-08-04) -- Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet apologized today for allowing a story to appear in The Washington Post alleging that Secretary of State Colin Powell and a deputy intend to resign in 2005.

The report, apparently based on now-discredited British intelligence from an unknown third-country, claimed that Mr. Powell and Richard Armitage would step down at the end of President George Bush's first term.

The White House, Mr. Powell and Mr. Armitage all denied the allegations.

"It's my responsibility to review all Washington Post stories," said the CIA director. "Such faulty intelligence never should have appeared in such an important newspaper. I have failed the President again yet again."

Florida Sen. Bob Graham immediately called for a Senate inquiry into the matter to determine whether the Post story was an intelligence error, or part of a "deliberate pattern of deception."

(2003-08-04) -- Gov. Howard Dean cemented his Democrat presidential frontrunner status today when he healed a man of leprosy then walked across the surface of a small lake to his next campaign appearance.

The Vermont Governor also shocked the pundits with his simultaneous appearance on the covers of Time, and Newsweek.

Print journalists are writing about all the Dean talk and broadcast reporters are talking about all the ink he's getting.

"Momentum is everything in politics," said one unnamed political consultant. "Dean has grabbed it by doing startling things like criticizing the President, and rolling up his shirtsleeves. You should see the forearms on that guy."

Professional journalists continue to chronicle the miracles performed by this former medical internist. Besides healing lepers and walking on water "Dr." Dean has also raised hundreds of thousands of dollars on the Internet -- a feat previously accomplished only by online pornographers and gambling companies.

Actor-Director Mel Gibson has optioned a script about the last 12 hours of Howard Dean's life.

(2003-08-04) -- Bishops in the Episcopal Church today approved the election of the first openly-Muslim bishop in the church's history.

The Islamic cleric, who rejects the deity of Jesus Christ, received an overwhelming majority of the vote.

A spokesman for the Episcopal Church said the move demonstrates, "Our church is open to all people, regardless of their beliefs, or whether they accept the teachings of the Bible."

The election of the Muslim bishop comes as the church stands ready to approve its first homosexual Bishop, V. Gene Robinson. Later today, the bishops plan to vote on the election of the church's first openly-atheist bishop.

(2003-08-04) -- Vermont Gov. Howard Dean announced today that he hates President George Bush more than any of his Democrat presidential rivals do, especially Sen. John Kerry.

"I acknowledge that Senator Kerry has a certain disdain for George Bush," said Gov. Dean. "But my hatred for the president is pure, and deep and wide. My rage about him is unfettered, palpable and savage."

"Americans want to know that the Democrat nominee is no pretender," Gov. Dean added. "Whoever we nominate must really despise George Bush to the core of his being. I am Bush-hate incarnate."

DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe said today that the party will release the official Bush Loathing Index (BLI) for each Democrat candidate later this week.

(2003-08-04) -- Gov. Gray Davis filed a lawsuit today claiming that mismanagement at the highest levels of state government will make it impossible for California to hold a fair gubernatorial recall election this fall.

"California is already $38 billion in debt " the suit claims. "If the public thinks Gov. Davis' team has mismanaged the state budget, imagine how they'll do with a rush job like this election."

The petition before the California Supreme Court contends that the state government is not competent to follow the dictates of state law regarding recall elections, and asks the court to issue an injunction delaying the recall until November 2006.

(2003-08-01) -- The official racial-slur count at Reuters news group rose again today as another employee of Radianz, Reuters internet subsidiary, received a so-called "racist email," depicting a black person in a degrading situation.

Despite optimistic predictions of great strides in so-called "civil rights" from Reuters executives, racial tensions have grown in many of its offices worldwide.

"It's a quagmire of racial hatred," said one unnamed Reuters staffer. "And our leaders are still in denial, or perhaps actually lying about the real situation on the ground here."

One employee was fired and three others face disciplinary action, according to a company spokeswoman. Yet, despite these three fallen comrades, the source "absolutely denies any and all allegations that [Reuters] engages in or tolerates discriminatory workplace practices of any kind."

Bill Keller, executive editor for The New York Times, called on Reuters to work in conjunction with the United Nations to appoint an "employee representative" to hold it more accountable.