I am first and claim this spot for Spain.

So the Times does not deliberately have a liberal agenda? This is surprising. Still, anyonme with enough sense to feed themselves and tie their own shoes should be able to realize that the Times has always structured stories to have a liberal slant to them.

Back in my native Spain, Franco closed all of the liberal papers and had their staff imprisoned, beaten, shot or any cobination thereof. One particularly offensive reporter had his fingers superglued to the typewriter. He had to live the remainder of his life stuck to the machine that he had used to slander the administration.

Now, I do not reccomend a wholesale adopion of Franco's methods, but the occasional tar and feathering of a reporter trying to slip edetorials into the news sections might do this country some good. Editorials should be on the editorial page. The remainder of the news should strive to avoid any bias, either conservative or liberal.

Seems to be the trend in publishing ... the editor at the LA Times sent out a similar memo last month.

Oops ... teach me to comment before reading the linked story! :-(

Moo
Ma Ma Ma Mooo
Moooo
Ma Ma Moo
Mmmmooo
Ma Ma Ma Moooo

Facts? In newspapers? Yeah, when farm animals to be named later fly and a place to be named later freezes over, NY Times and WSJ will both adopt a more 'unbiased' approach and Rush Limbaugh will sing cumbaya... :) This is so like the old country where it was certain that you can't get news from Izvestiya, and you most certainly can't get the truth from Pravda...

Speaking of freezing over, today is 6/2, and the temperature reading this morning was 39F... Where is my global WARMING?! We should all use more hairspray and drive H2's or something... Then again, if that ice age that's couple of thousand years overdue will finally decide to show up, we might have to resort to more drastic measures :)

LPB

So here's one newspaper people still read! Well, I sure am glad to see Mr Rains cracking the wip! Its about time someone did something to head off all those false charges of liberalism running rampant. And I'm glad to see ScrappleFace is leading the charge to help these people out. Everyone kicks you when your down, I tell you this from my experiences! Horay for the times!
By the way Mr Ott, I cant find an answer to your newsmaker quiz picture on the left column. Can you put the quiz answer somewhere we can all see it please?

I believe that New York Times "Executive Editor" Howell Raines is right as my input concerning standing up to free Jonathan Pollard is always at the end of the day's listing, and my UK time zone is 5 hours ahead of NY time. Therefore, Jonathan Pollard rots in jail.
J. Sherman Dorset, England.

999,139th

Dear Scott Ott:

Thank you for submitting your story entitled, Rains "scolds" NY Times Staff Against "Bias". Your story is a compelling and masterful piece of writing, but I regret that your use of the phrase "so-called" and the presence of both single and double quotes make it unsuitable for publication in the New York Times.

Surely you understand that a great paper like The New York Times must maintain the highest standard of impartiality and journalistic integrity at all times. Therefore, we regret that we cannot accept your story at this time.

Good luck with your journalistic endeavors. Perhaps we will see your byline in a future edition of The Times.

Sincerely,

Howard Rains
Executive Editor
The New York Times

SCIENTISTS STUDY ACOUSTIC DISTURBANCE

Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are investigating a nationwide acoustic disturbance that occurred yesterday. Those who heard the disturbance compared the sound to a loud yawn, "It's almost as if everyone in the country yawned at the same time" stated Dr. Ben Fooled of MIT.

Oddly, the disturbance seemed to coincide with Deleware Senator Joseph Biden's announcement on CBS' Face the Nation that he may join the 2004 presidential race. The MIT scientists are investigating to determine if the two events are related.

Could this be related to the "vast retching sound" observed when Sean's Penn's ad hit the newsstands?

999,915th!

Show off... :)

1,000,000!

Double show off!!! It went over and I missed it!

Pooke rules.

Okay, I was actually 1,000,007th or something like that but,

Scott Ott: Congratulations to the Master of Satire! You are a comedic genius. Praise, Praise, weíre not worthy! Youíve brightened up many a boring day for your fans. Keep up the great work :-)

Always LMAO

Cassandra: SCOTT RULES! :)

I'm at a loss for a fitting tribute... you guys are all so creative... help me out here!

Whats all this number stuff?

Pooke:

I agree - Scott DOES rule. Always I am amusing my reverse side away extremely at his witty and entertaining stories.

THANKS SCOTT, the WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OTT - WE LOVE YOU

(even Stinky...AAAAAAAAAARRRGH! thump)

Over 1 Million visitors. Hoody-freakin'-hoo.
Scott Ott IS da man.

OK - this was a quickie, so I reserve the right to replace it with something better later on when the caffeine hits my brain:

A MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO SCOTT - THE WIZARD OF OTT

We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of OTT.
Thereís no one like our Editor Scott
For all the news thatís ñ ìNOTî.

Oh ScrappleFace is the place to be
For humor, wit, and punditry
Or rants ëbout liberal absurditry!
(or was that last line a redundancy?)

Weíre off to see the Wizard-
The Wonderful Wizard of OTTÖÖÖ.

****************************
I hereby challenge everyone to a contest to come up with the best tribute to Scott - it can be poetic, a song parody, or whatever literary or musical form you are most comfortable with.

Shouldn't be too hard to beat the first entry.

SERIOUS ENTRY #1

Variation on a famous poem
"How Do I Love Thee?"
- by
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I laugh at thee ScrappleFace?
Let me count the ways.
I laugh at thee with the last breath
In my shaking solar plexus, when silent chuckles
Full of amusement light my smiling face.

I laugh at thee to the level of each day's
Hypocrisy by CNN and New York Times.
I laugh at thee as futile-ly
As Democrats strive for relevance.
I laugh at thee as constantly
As liberals turn from logic.

I laugh at thee as the truth is put before me,
Highlighted in satire by your pointed parodies.
I laugh with a joy I had seemed to lose
With reading too much empty rhetoric
From pandering politicians.
I laugh with the breath, smiles, tears,
Of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but laugh at thee again
(once I catch my breath).

I declare myself the winner so far.

Swazi king blames women's trousers for world's ills
Monday, June 2, 2003 Posted: 2:17 PM EDT (1817 GMT)

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Story Tools

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MBABANE, Swaziland (Reuters) -- Swaziland's absolute monarch has singled out women wearing pants as the cause of the world's ills in a state radio sermon that also condemned human rights as an "abomination before God."

"The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband's clothes. That is why the world is in such a state today," Mswati, ruler of the impoverished feudal nation of about one million, said late on Thursday.

The Times of Swaziland reported that the monarch, who reigns supreme in the landlocked country run by palace appointees and where opposition parties are banned, went on to criticize the human rights movement.

"What rights? God created people, and He gave them their roles in society. You cannot change what God has created. This is an abomination before God," the king told an audience of conservative church leaders.

Women on the streets of capital Mbabane were not impressed.

"The king says I am the cause of the world's problems because of my outfit. Never mind terrorism, government corruption, poverty and disease, it's me and my pants. I reject that," said Thob'sile Dlamini.

Howell Raines probably gave the staff at NY Times the worst finger wagging they have ever seen.

Looks like I will have to come up with a handle, as there seems to be two Mike S,s in the world. Will miracles never cease.

It's a little-known fact that this quote

"The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband's clothes."

was issued in response to the Clintons' whirlwind tour of Africa a few years back. King Mswati went on to say:

"And I looked, and beheld a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was DEATH, and HILLARY(fire) followed with him."

follows is contest entry:

news that makes us laugh
threads full of wit and good fun
scott brings smiles each day

Attentioning here to,
Imperialist Scott

You the oppressor of the scrapplemasks of 1,000,000 are. It meaning that you are a value of praise, meeting me do to come. The country North Korea whose is large, handles you as the guest who is not as a citizen. Being able to give you kimchee, without being shot it means this.

Cassandra: Bravo! Here's my humble entry:

Ode to Ott

Twas back in November
I think, donít remember
When I heard about an e-petition
It was a plea to the Hollywood left
Whose rantings and ravings were deft
To shut up as an act of contrition

There I found a link
One of many I think
To a satirical humourous site
I laughed myself silly
At the articles on Slick Willie
And knew that this guy was alright

The stories were so funny
Especially the quote from Rummy
That put Scrappleface in the Post!
I started reading the comments
Most Smart but some dense
Yet all with respect to the Host.

So with one million hits
To a site thatís just (Edit)
That points out the numerous gaffes
In politics and technolgy
Business and theology
You da man, Scott! Thanks for the laughs!

Shyanne, LilKimIl, Pooke: You put me to shame! Once again, The Wizard of Ott brings out the best in his posters.

Everyone else: the gauntlet has been thrown down -we have 4 serious entries.

Who will be next???

Matt Goober! Guru B.H., Angry Commie, LF Cat-insane!

Looking forward to seeing you this weekend at the big "GAYla".

My sister's have both said they'e be willing to loan you a few of their Versace gowns, too. Isn't that sweet of them?

Matt Goober I'm so proud of you for being so willing to "come out" I see little glimmers of hope with you saying things like "I'm not wearing pants". Those are good signs. You have nothing to be ashamed my hunky little croissant.

E-mail or call me so we can finalize your travel arrangements and such.

ta ta Goober babe.

Frenchy

Who is this Scott Ott...is it...juicy? Is it...tasssty?

Three Stories for the New York Times
in the House of Lies,
Seven for the Liberals in a world of their own,
Nine for KimJongIl and his nuclear skies,
One for Hillary on her Dark Throne.
In the Senate, where just 'bout everyone lies.

One Blog to Rule them all,
One Blog to find them.
One Blog to bring them all,
And in helpless laughter bind them.
In the Land of ScrappleFace where the posters vie.

Does anyone read the New York Times and NOT expect Liberal bias? Do you not expect a conservative bias from the WSJ? That's what attracts readers to particular papers. My cousin gets her news from NPR and thinks that's "middle of the road." I can't put an attribution on the quote but: Freedom of the press belongs to the one who owns the press.

The only reason the NYT would abandon it's Liberal bias would be to increase it's readership

Congratulations on the first Million!

Herewith, a Clerihew:

Reliably, Scott Ott
Improves our daily lot,
And he surely acts as an inspiration
To wacky comment poster from every nation.

Gollum ... you should know the 9 Ringwraiths, dark riders seeking the ring of power ... their names till now secret:

Al Sharpton
Carol Mosley-Brown
John Kerry
Howard Dean
Joe Lieberman
Dennis Kucinich
Dick Gephardt
John Edwards
Bob Graham

Beware them Gollum ... they will torture you to find out about me!

Mercy! Mercy! MMMMMMMEEEEEEERRRRRRRCCCCCCYYYYYYY!!!
Paging Drs. Cat and Stuhl...Scrapplefacer needs oxygen...cause of hyperventilation helpless laughter
at news stories and posts.

OOOHHHH MERCY! I think I ripped a whole new set of abs, I laughed so hard. *groping for kleenex and wiping tears*

I passed up chocolate for this and it was darn well worth it. Gollum, you have a home for life. I will give you tasty ribs without nasty fire and you can crunch and munch to your hearts content.

Cassandra, DIVINE! Keep it coming. I may not be able to contribute, but I will be happy to read.

Hey - it was Pooke's idea - lots of competition - keep it coming!

To post? OrÖ.not to post?
That is the question.
Whether ëtis nobler in the mind
To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Frenchmen,
Or, to take arms against a sea of morons
And, by deft posting, quench them.
To postÖto speak ñ no more.
And by speaking, to hope to end
The heartburn and the silly words of fools
That blogs are lairs to.
ëTis a conversation
Devoutly to be wished!

To speak! Perchance to SCREAM ñ
Ay, thereís the rub!
For from that post of mine,
what idiot responses come
When oncít I hit the post button
Must give me pause: thereís the aspect
That makes tragedy of my lovely post.

For who would bear the Frenchmanís slime,
The "Bush is Hitler" hyperbole?
The rants of despis-ed liberals, the censoring [] of naughty words
That so patiently await the dirty-minded -
When he might his rendezvous make
With a lime dacquiri?

Who would stubborn illogic bear,
To frown and struggle for the right retort
But that the dread of something even worse:
Boredom ñ the undiscoveríd country,
from whose bourn
The un-Scrappled neíer return
Strengthens the will.
And makes the poster rather bear those Frenchmen we have,
Than fly to other Blogs we know not of?
Thus, amusement doth make prisoners of us all.
And thus the native hue of productivity
Is thrown oíer by thíalluring prospect of blogging.
And projects of great importance fail of their impetus
And lose the name of action....

Hey Frenchman,

Embrassez mon ‚ne, FranÁais !

Cheese eating surrender squirrel!!

DÈsirent ardemment Scott de phase Ott.

Which means "Long live Scott Ott!!"

How about a riddle instead?

Having neither wit, nor skill, nor brain.
A rusty sodden knot having been left out in the rain.
I rally round the cards of race, class, envy and sloth.
And if live in Middle Earth would call the war on Morgoth -off!

What am I?

Frodo and Gollum I am not for eating nor for holding ur hands in dark places.

...... A liberal,leftist dimocrat

or frenchman (tho thats hardly fair)

Fear not Frodo,
My M14 staff of many rounds shall protect you, and the wonderful exploding rocks that I picked up at something called an Army Surplus Store have enough power to knock several stone trolls to pieces with one blast, from just one of them.
Amazing little items they are.

Gollum, Continue to BEHAVE

Congratulations to my best buddy, Allan Colmes, who 'tied the knot' this last week-end, with his lover, Bruce! The Ceremony was preformed in Vermont, (so it would be legal). Allan was last heard to say, "You want me to do, What,--with my What?"

Thanks Allan for letting me 'French', the 'Bride'!

Love and kisses, good luck, your pal, Frenchy!

J. Sherman Dorset, England.

Posted by: J. Sherman on June 2, 2003 10:46 AM

Are you 'THE', Jay Sherman, The Critic? Dude, I loved your show, bummed out big time, when they cancelled it. I see from your post you are in "Merry Ole England", do you know a Malcolm Merryweather? He's a real 'Bobbydassler'! Man, can he make some narley 'Bubbles and Squeek'! Well, that's all for now, later J. Sherman dude.

Gandalf, I always did love your fireworks!

Frodo:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaargh! Wraithses! They seeks us! They tries to numb our brains with leftist claptrap..they thinks we can't see, but we can... can't we, my Precious??? They say they feels our pain, but they are really only after our walletses! WE HATES THEM!

Once they captured us and forced us to listen to their delirious debates - OH THE PAIN! We begged them to stop, to make sense for just...one...second...BUT NO - they are merciless!

The Pale Riders of Class Envy...of them all, Kucinich is the most feared. His empty-headed ravings melt our brain cells into mush. His cold, dead fingers crawl across our pay stubs, our tax returns. Always he seeks it...the transfer of wealth.

Father Sarducci knows...he sees them in their true forms. Therefore, we will not munch him, even though he is undoubtably crunchy.

Nice Master will protect us from nassty Wraithses, won't he? He won't let Gandalf blast us with his staff of many rounds...oh, no my Precious. Master Frodo will protect poor Smeagol, won't he???

Interesting that Dennis Kuchinich would be running for President after the wonderful job he did as mayor of Cleveland.

What a []hole!!!

I don't understand--did Howell Raines really send a memo to the Times staff or did Scott Ott just completely fabricate this based on the article about John Carroll sending a memo to his staff at the LA Times? I am shocked and appalled at the idea that Scott would create quotes and make up sources in his news articles. It has shaken my faith completely in Scrappleface as my number one news source. I may have to start reading the Times instead. At least I can believe everything that they print. If Scott doesn't stick to the facts and leave the bias out of his own reporting, I don't see how he will ever make it to the 2 million mark! :)

Scott Ott.......better than Spam Jelly

In case the rounds of m14 and troll blasters don't work, Fr. Guido Sarducci will be ready to exoricse the Ringwraiths and the Dementors.

Or we can call the Ghostbusters.

Glib, but why?

Re: the item posted by Jeff Spicoli June 3, 2003. No, I'm not the Dude, Jay Sherman that you mention and wonder if you are part of the conspiracy to keep Jonathan Pollard in jail or that you are just a dude yourself?
I'm the J. Sherman that helped the USA curb terrorism in the eighties. Alas, only for the 1986 naval-raid on Libya to be swept under the carpet and the long-arm of the US to be forgotten. Possibly the'Eleventh' would not have happened if the US Sixth Fleet action had have been declared from the top of the Twin Towers.
As past stated it is my contention: that the Libyan defence wireless codes were traded for the indiscretions of Jonathan Pollard and therefore he should not have gone to jail.