Rats, I thought I was the only one cashing in on that money!

Big tobacco employing cons? No way!

In a related story, Hormel, the company that manufactures the canned lunchmeat SPAM (translation: Roadkill) seeks a clarification that they will not have their homes, boats, airplanes, and bank accounts seized if they send more than 10,000 cans per day into Virginia. At the same time, computer users are wondering if authorities will send the management of AOL to jail if they send out 10,000 unsolicited AOL disks per day. "Which is the worse problem," said self-admitted computer geek Seymore Butts, "having to hit the 'delete' key several times a day to get rid of unsolicited email, or filling up your trash can 3 times a week with all of the darn AOL disks that come from every mail list known to man?" AOL representatives refused to comment.

Kerry Campaign Headquarters

Attention: Regime Change Supporter

Dear Sir,

Confidential Business Proposal

Having consulted with my colleagues and other former Vietnam veterans, and based on the information gathered from the Democratic National Committee, I have the privilege to request that you transfer the balance of your cash assets into my campaign war chest. Incidentally, I am a Vietnam veteran. The necessity for requesting the sum of your holdings results from an electoral usurption, executed commissioned and paid for about three years (3) ago by Republican operatives and Israeli agents, none of whom are, or were, Vietnam veterans. (I should probably mention that I, however, am a Vietnam veteran.)

We are now ready to accept transfer of all your funds, and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that 1) I am a Vietnam veteran and 2) we are unable to execute this transfer without your permission, due to various legal obstacles created by Republican sympathizers. That is why we require your assistance.

The transfer is risk free on both sides, although the odds are you are not a Vietnam veteran whereas I am. If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

(a) your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers.

(b) your private telephone and fax numbers -- for confidentiality and easy communication.

The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish, mostly due to concurrent activities arising as a result of my being a Vietnam veteran.

Please reply urgently.

Best regards

John Kerry

P.S. Did I mention I'm a Vietnam veteran?

****Keith!!!*****( a.k.a John Kerry--Vietnam Veteran)

Boooaaahhhhaaaahhhaaa!

Keith (err...Sen. Kerry):

Are you by any chance a Viet Nam vet???

Just checking - hilarious post.

What, those are hoaxes? I wondered where all my money was going... Just kidding, I never give those scammers anything. I always thought those were from crooks, not Sen. Kerry (oops - same thing)

ATTENTION ALL SCRAPPLE READERS

MAJOR BREAKING NEWS
WE GO LIVE TO THE MIDDLE EAST
__________________

THE BAGHDAD BOB SHOW - HAS BEEN CONFIRMED

MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF,was being sought by The Arab News Network Al-Arabiya, satellite channel

The Al-Arabiya satellite channel has confirmed the deal

This is for real kids no joke

April 30, 2003
Arab News

DAMMAM, 30 April 2003 ó The Al-Arabiya satellite channel has confirmed that it has offered employment to the former Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf. Ali Al-Hudaithi, director general of Al-Arabiya, told Arab news that Al-Sahaf would be free to work for the channel whenever he wanted and that the channel would facilitate whatever he needed, including a residence permit. The idea is that he could choose between presenting special programs or being a political analyst or both, Al-Hudaithi added.In explaining the offer, the director said that Al-Sahaf had been part of the former Iraqi government and that because of that, he knew many things of interest to viewers. He also has wide knowledge and experience that could help in explaining Iraqís history and discussing the countryís future.

April 30 2003
Voice of America News

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, The Al-Arabiya satellite channel has confirmed al-Sahaf has been offered employment, Al-Sahaf would be free to work for the channel whenever he wanted. Former Iraq minister of information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is not on the list of the 55 leading officials in Saddam Hussein's government that are most wanted by U.S. officials, an Arab satellite television station wants him very much.

YOU COULD NOT MAKE THIS STUFF-
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE YOU

What, Begala couldn't get out of his CNN contract?

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After this, I may have to change my name to "Tired of Wieners"...

Dearest Keith:

Good one.

Danjo
GO MARINES!

Dear Norman "Male-Her", right??....

Still crazy ( and angry) after all these years.

Maybe he's ticked too because he wasn't asked to join the other senior "Village People" imitators in that TV commercial doing Macho, Macho men.

The Octagenerian Peacenick neglected to say ANYTHING about those tough female soldiers ( a.k.a my buddy Jessica Lynch...so why did THEY go to war, Normie?)

A great loss will occur to Western TV News if Baghdad Bob goes to work for an Arab station. I was hoping he would become a political analyst for CNN or the BBC. Mind you it would be a pretty good trick if he did turn up on TV anywhere because according to the BBC (who have tracked down his brother who works in a hospital in Dublin) he killed himself a few weeks ago. Still I have no reason to believe this story bearing in mind the sources. Is there any such thing as the truth any more in the media?

After careful contemplation I have decided to work closer to home so I have turned down the job offers from CNN and the BBC. There are simply not enough flies in Atlanta or London to suit my taste. And besides, CNN and BBC were only willing to pay me out of their huge supply of Saddam dinars which we know are as good as gold but my uncle always told me "get it in dollars" so I am holding out (figuratively speaking).