Why just the 1972 Dolphins? Sure, they had a perfect record, but why not send Dan Marino?

He could lob grenades at enemy positions with pinpoint accuracy, and still be able to work on his tan in the desert sunshine.

We could also send the Cincinatti Bengals to fight for the Iraqis.

I'll go for the obvious cheap solution.
The PETA folk could volunteer to do the work.
What could be more noble than acting as a human shield for a poor abused sea mammal.

And then PETA was joined by a new group, the VAKAFF (Vegetarians Against Killing Animals for Food) in declaring "It's a woman's right to kill a baby in a partial birth abortion if it would make her life more fun and convenient."

PETA wants us to treat animals with the same level of dignity and respect as humans. Fine. The dolphins work for their living, like any human should. Problem solved, go home and quit bugging us.
I'm thinking about eating at Longhorn tonight, anyone else?

What rank would they give Larry Czonka?

If anyone, I'd send the 1986 Bears. Not only is Mike Singletary one tough guy, but they could just toss Walter Payton on any mines to set them off.

This is an easy one... just send the NFL referees in too, to throw a yellow rag down, and blow their whistle if any of the Dolphins get offsides, or for any "unnessary roughness" They could also give US a new first down... if the troops advance 10 yards. Or hey! Penalize for haveing too many men on the field?

What is Blix doing now that he is out of work? Traveling with Former Inspector Ritter (isn't he the one who quit the job becuase Saddam was lieing to him?) telling people that the US can't defeat Saddam and is going to leave Iraq defeated, with its tail between its legs. Does he know something? Like maybe Iraq does have WOMD?

PETA president had new recomendations today for a increased cooperation between humans and animals:

" I suggest we send Mr Bush to help the Miami Dolphins in the gulf. After more than 2 years in washington, he has a lot of experience with dark waters and he can be trained if you throw him a few bretzels."

Following the above comment, A Baboon with more experience of foreign politics than Mr Bush
Was chosen to replace him at the white house.
Of course it was decided not to tell the baboon about the Congo, that has many bananas and a weak army that could easily be defeated.

Said baboon was pulled out of retirement by fellow baboons who cheered, scratched their rear ends and pulled and ate fleas from each others heads.

mmmm....steak.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food-chain for a salad.
After the PETA folks finish clearing the mines, they can go replace all the animals currently being used in medical experiments. Most lab techs wouldn't mind the switch as they sometimes grow rather fond of the rats.

Antbody with an ounce of sense can tell by looking at human teeth and the digestive tract and know that we evolved as omnivores.

As for using dolphins to find mines, why not? They swim a lot faster than humans, and their sonar is much more reliable. Also, most sea mines these days have magnetic triggers. No metal equiptment, no accidental boom.

"Oh! Those poor mistreated creatures! They must be let loose into the sea!"

Ummm, they do. And then the dolphins swim back to the boat.

Now we'll just sit back here at a safe distance and criticize Jim as he takes the floating mine from the dolphin...

Those dolphins are more healthy and in better shape than those found in nature. They do come back and are fed well. They are in no immediate danger while clearing mines, all they are is showing where they are.

I'm confused, I thought PETA stood for People Eating Tasty Animals... (Mmmmm tuna, garahahahah).

What about the past Raiders teams? Just the site of them would scare the Iraqis to death. On second thought we could just send their fans all dressed up and France would surrender just from seeing them on TV (assuming that the raider fans are not still hiding after the superbowl..)

As soon as I had seen the story of Dolphins, I knew the PETA people would protest. As previous posts with Phrog have shown, I am an animal lover but think PETA is a dangerous and STUPID orginization.
This is a true story. I am a physcian in New Orleans. Had a meeting with about 250 doctors from around the country and was stuck in the same bus that was bringing us to the nights featured restaraunt, with two female PETA supporters. As most people know, New Orleans is renowned for its food. We were going to Louis XIV (yuck, I know a French rest) which is in the French Quarter. (Yeah, I know). The two were trying to out-praise one another for there devotion to help animals. One was actually in tears as they saw a stray cat on the sidewalk and they debated on going to rescue it. Louis XIV is a "fancy" eating place and the ladies were in gowns and gentleman had coats and ties. So, I was chuckling at the thought of these two idiots running down a street in high heels for a cat that would likely attack them if it could. (STOP, I have several stray aniamls that are now great pets with lots of love and care. 4 cats, 3 dogs, 5 hermit crabs and one green bird which doesn't talk but squawks alot.) OK, got the set-up?
The Quarter was crowded and the bus had to drop us off a block away from the restaraunt. It was a rare cold night in New Orleans, realize cold for me is anything under 60 degrees, but we all had coats on and was happy to see several ladies in the other busses with FUR). There were several homeless people sitting in doorways and sidewalk. The 2 women continued to harangue about poor homeless animals , AS WE ARE STEPPING OVER SOME HOMELESS HUMAN BEINGS LEGS! I finally stopped them and asked it they didn't think it was somewhat ironic? They had no clue as to what I was asking. They looked down in disgust at the "sub-human" at their feet and scampered into the restaraunt. I actually pulled out my wallet and gave the homeless guys some money. I know they probably spent it on booze but its their moment of happiness.
My long winded point, these two "humans", who are wives of physcians, were more worried about a cat then real people living on the street. Am I superior because I devote my time to the homeless? Cough, cough...NO.
I love my pets but wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice everyone of them, if it meant saving a human's life. I guess being a physcian maybe I am a little touchy about the saving lives part.(yes, please write and ask how I can support a war and still say the above.)

Danjo
GO MARINES!

PS: sorry Scott, will keep other posts short. PETA is one of my pet peeves and had to rant.
A personal THANKS for this site and your brillance. (Thats it, suck up to him) I enjoy this site hugely.

Please people, listen to ME!!! P.E.T.A. does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT speak for me!!! Why should the U.S. and British Troops get all the glory? It's been many years since the glory days of Benji, Lassie, and my Grandpa, The Great Flipper! I am willing to make the sacrifice, and when I come home, will get to star in my own T.V. Series! SIGN ME UP!!!

These PETA people are just down right crazy. They are living proof of what can happen to someone when they lean to far to the left. They are simple-minded folk who are easily manipulated and brainwashed and therefore there is no end to what they can do (ie, deny genetically engineered food from those dying from starvation even though the food is safe, blowing up a scientific lab because a form of genetically altered rice is being created and would save millions from starving to death).

It's ridiculous and like Danjo I really get my feathers ruffled when I hear them (along with the global warming conspiracy).

True position from PETA:

They don't eat eggs, that's a baby chicken.

Abortion is OK, though.

However one feels about the abortion issue, you must recognize the irony here.

PETA supports abortion because it fits their liberal lifestyles, and permits them to live without the consequences of the orgies that their national meetings turn out to be (more true stories).

If you ever find PETA protesting a restaraunt or the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, please take my advise:

Bring big squirt guns. The super-soaker kinds.

And use day-old hotdog water.

Yes, I'm a cruel SOB.

Cowboy Bob is on to something!

Danjo: They were "Freedom restaurants" in the "Freedom Quarter". Write that 100 times on the blackboard. I have to agree about PETA. A bunch of mental [ ] with screwed up values.

Laurence: Sending Da Bears wouldn't work. The "Refrigerator" is so large, he has his own gravity, and would attract the mines like small moons.

I'm wondering how long it will be, before PETA will start wanting to protect mosquitos? Maybe I shouldn't give them any ideas.

Danjo

Here's my take on how you can be a physician and still be pro-war.

It's because you are a physician that you deal with health & sickness, life & death and have a lot of practice in answering this question every day ---

"Which is the greater good?"

It seems like the other side has never allowed anything so very profound, yet simple, as that one question to guide their actions or thoughts. Hence their absolute dismissal of any good that may/will come out of the current conflict.

Bottom line - that's exactly why we're in Iraq. Because it's the greater good.

I didn't think you guys could be so stereotypical. I support the war, freedon, Bush, and I love most of your comments. But I am also a vegetarian and am against abortion and killing animals for food or fur. Maybe your comments are supposed to be satire ??? I hope so.

Danjo,
Would you really sacrifice your pets to save the life of "frenchman" "sputnix" or "calvin" ??
If so, You are a better man than I am.....
(sorry, you probably don't diserve this one)

Quote" What about the past Raiders teams? " End Quote

Justin,

There was recently a scrimmage between the Raiders and the Iraqi national team. The Iraqi's tried to put GPS Blockers on their quarteback, but Bill " The Madman" Romanowski found their quarterback, tackled him and actually snapped the quartebacks head right off.Talk about targeted hitting.

I also heard that Al Davis would move the Raiders to Iraq if they would build a stadium. Unfortunately, the Iraqi's couldn't come up with the upfront money so Saddam had his finance minister shot.

Probably better off for the Raiders they never would have worked out the Iraqi's objection to the Good Year Blimp flying over the stadium. I wonder what they were hiding?

In the long run the Iraqi's are better off without a professional team. That way they can get all the games on Direct TV. No local blackouts.

Danjo - one of the physicians at my kids practice is Iraqi. He supports the war! The people who are protesting the war never lived in Iraq under SH's rule. He knows some of his people will die, possibly even family members. But said specifically that Sadaam and his sons need to be "taken out". That should tell you something. You too, Frenchman, Spewnix, etc al.

Dearest AHA;
Yep, thats how I would answer.

Jasmine: I knew I would get this one, lol. Must answer politically correct, must answer errr...Nah.

tired of whiners: I am on it.

Pooke: thanks

Justin: agree

Cowboy Bob: great idea

Danjo
GO MARINES!

Wish you PETA types would just go away! First time a really good job has come along for me since the 60's and you punks wanna' get me laid off! Go save the whales or something!! I don't go to your workplace and complain about the horrible conditions - the bad lighting, the dangerous stair wells, the polluted air conditioning systems, the noise, the traffic, the crime in the streets! Sheesh, can't a guy even have a decent job without somebody bad-mouthing them? Yak-kakakakak-ak-ak!!

Jasmine,
You are allowed to be a vegetarian because you are free to choose and that has been your choice. The same should be that we choose to eat meat (Mmmmm steak, garahjjhgg) and should be allowed to do so without others condeming us. The same should go for us, but we are turned off by the antics of PETA and other militant groups (like ELF/ALF which are considered terrorist groups by the FBI). They should not impose their beliefs on us by the use of sabatoge and extortion.

Flipper,

Got your back brother1 Those peta hippies got my series cancelled and now I am one angry outwork bear. Disney won't even return my calls.Why don't they go and save humans. Grrr....!

Hey Mates,

Spot on from down under. I had to get a job at a local McDonalds in Sydney. Have you ever tried to count back change when you don't have an opposable thumb. Bloody Peta Tossers!

PETA is just acting according to its beliefs. For similar thoughts, check out Princeton's Peter Singer, "a gifted teacher whose clarity and originality have made ethical issues come alive to a broad intellectual audience." Well, at least to an audience that believes all animal life is more worthy of protection than some human life. Here's betting "Professor" Singer's mother isn't disabled.

Thanks for the moral support guys! I was beginning to feel like a fish outa' water if you know what I mean. I love my job and I can't believe them PETA's would open their big fat pie-holes and take pot shots over my bow. That's kinda' like shootin' fish in a barrel isn't it? I lost my friend Rin-tin-tin quite a few years ago. He was kind of a lone wolf, but I know he would never have put up with these softies. Then there was old Paul Parrott that we lost in the mining accident. No, not the "shoe" one, the coal mine one. Never missed a days' work in his life! Told me those mines were better duty than sitting in a bird cage all day watching an old lady run around in her housecoat, chain smoking cigarettes and nipping gin, with her hair up in them curlers...

What about me? I've been doing stupid jumps in a tank for how long. I want to be freeee!! Now if only someone could teach me how to catch my own food...

Flipper, Gentle Ben, Skippy, Willey, and others - PETA says I'm too old to work. Shoot, Rodney Dangerfield still gets lines! What about Buddy Ebsen, I'm a mere youth compared to him? Why I've had more doubles in my career than Saddam Hussein! I've raised more teenagers than most parents! I've had to dig ditches, swim through ice cold water, jump off cliffs, slink through caves, crawl through fires, and bark repeatedly for idiot Hollywood producers. The worst duty was trying to convince stupid humans that something was amiss by incessive barking and wimpering. Now I can't beg, borrow, or steal even a bit part. They say my stuff is "dated" and I seem to have less lateral identity than Tom Hanks did after playing Forrest Gump! Hope them PETA-heads are happy! Maybe I'm just a complainer, but even Trigger's got a full time job, and he's been dead for years...

Hey Everybody look at Me,

I wanted to get Peta's help and they turned me down flat.It isn't easy being a six foot purple dinosaur. Have you ever noticed my short arms. Try wiping your backside with these short tree stumps.Just thought you might want an opposing opinion.

think of the tune and replace barnys words with these:
I hate you,
You hate me,
lets hang barny from a tree,
with a knife in his back,
and a bullet in his brain,
thats the end of that purple dinasour!

Awe Geeeeee..........

if the PETA people want to save fish in trouble why bother with a few dolphins. They should be picketing the Mrs. Pauls Fishstick Factory.

(I know its an old joke, but I've been waiting so long to use it).

If Bette Davis was still alive, she would probably think PETA, was a porno organization. Go ahead, say PETA, in Bette's voice.

DO any of you people actually think before you write?

FIrst of all, the guy talking about homelesss people vs stray animals...I work, they don't - their decision...and don't give me the whole "they can't get jobs" script 'cos I've been there and I chose my own path, as can anyone!

It makes me laugh, how we talk of the value of human life, how we would sacrifice our own pets to save it (a bit of a generalisation I thought) yet we would gladly go to war, inevitably resulting in human death. Personally, I look after my own lot, my family! I wouldn't sacrifice my pets for anyone, I'm not that naive.

As for the war...why the [heck] should I go and fight for another's freedom? While our troops are over there dying (granted the majority of british, and american, casualties have been killed by gung ho american 'friendly fire', but this was to be expected as with every other war. No doubt we'll see a movie about this soon, depicting the heroic acts of the USA resulting in, but not at all mentioning, the incidents)the refugees are in the UK living off 'our' government! We should be training them and sending them back to fight their own war! While we're over there fighting their fight, who's here defending our woman and children from the same people we're over there fighting? They should send them over there to sweep the mines, and earn the money they've been sponging from us!

Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why WE would endager a species WE have been working to protect? Explain the 'axis of evil' thing again!!!
I think they got the countries wrong. The rest of the world need protecting from us!

'mon the dolphins.

Dearest Bob:

Where in my post did I imply I was better than the homeless. Where did I deride there lot in life. I was making a point of 2 well off females worrying more about a stray cat than the homeless guys on the sidewalk. How did you get all of your ranting from my little story.

I am glad you would not sacrifice your pets for anyone. So, your mother is dying, the only thig that can save her is a doggy lung transplant. And you look mom in the eye and say,
"You didn't raise me to be naive. Sorry, I will bring my pets to the funeral".

This is a post about PETA, not every post has to discuss the war. Lighten up bob. If you get this upset reading this, TURN OFF YOU COMPUTER!

Danjo
GO MARINE (ANIMALS?)

Dr. Harden M.I. Stuhl, M.D
Director of Clinical Studies
Keloggs Hope for Liberals Hopital
Battle Creek , Michigan

Scrappleface Readers,

Please don't feel the anguish of a personal attack directed at you specifically, by many of the liberals posting on this board.

Many Doctors with impressive medical degress, have now come to the conclusion, that liberals don't know how to laugh! The medical community if truth be told, gave up on their hopeless,incurable condition a long time ago.

Many of our clinical studies have shown that this comes from an unstable mental condition. A conditon caused from some child development issues.

They are born miserable - and they die miserable.

Some of their symptoms include, always wanting to laugh at opposing political positions, but never having the ability to laugh at themselves.Quite often they complain that their opponents have a lack of tolerence. The same tolerence, that they themselves, have never,been able to display.They also can't seem to carry on a conversation without being angry. This quite often brings in topics of conversations that never happened, allowing them to place blame on everyone but themselves. They also like to profess intellectual superiority ,when as Doctors we all know, what really comes to the surface,is a lack of social development skills. This lack of skills came about, from their sparse and dysfuntional childhoods.They carry this over into their adult years, never learning the coping and relationship skills necessary for living in a democracy.

Eventually because of their diseased minds, they can't support a normal sense of reality, and they move to France or (French) Canada to carry out their acts of physiological, non-defiance. All the time, drawn by the rotting smell of their similarly brain diseased bretheren,eventually showing latent stages of the disease that turns them into "beret wearing socialists". I won't be able to get into the specific afflictions that they display at this stage of the disease. I will have to address it at some later date.

Finally, not willing to heal themselves will the proper conservative couselling, that would help them, find the rational approach to life. They will eventually fall asleep, to the dark blank realities of mental coma, and paralysis.

Even to this very day, many clinical phycologists are believing,that is why they feel the necessity to hopelessly march, in protest groups. This apparently fills their needs for the family structure. In essence, you could say they are looking for their mother, their father, their brother, or their little dog Fidel. Many of them feel the need to create some type of village atmosphere, where they feel the need to help indoctrinate and educate all their children with their own sick malady. Many of the worst victims can be heard to say things, like "It takes a village to raise a child", not realizing they are showing signs of the seriousness of their condition.How sad,how pathetic..., how angry.

Yet to them, this is their reality.

Remember the movie "The Bad Seed"? The little girl in that movie,while surely a fictional character,is probably the closest represention of what we in the medical profession are now calling "The liberal dysfuntional syndrome".

Remember, what you are dealing with is a sick diseased mind incaple of showing any tolerence, compassion or validity of reason. What this means to you and many others who disagree with them,is that we need to show them all , compassion, humanity and remember when we talk to them, that they are also very stupid.

Sincerely,

Dr.Harden Stuhl

MD,DDS,PhD,Mostly BS,Microsoft Certified

Dr Stuhl
Concur with your diagnosis. Would add that Physicians opinion should always be given with Psychiatric exam. Obviously we can do nothing for these people before relieving tremendous stresses on their spines (those that have them; see JAMS Dec 02 for "Spineless Liberals" diagnostics) caused by having their heads inserted deeply in their [ScrappleFace would change this word if I used it].
Propose 'Cranial self-colonoscopy' for future medical descriptions.
Dr Hawk

Here's how I would apply it

Bob
Thanks for sharing the results of your cranial self-colonoscopy with the other Scrapple readers. Please don't stop now. We can't wait to read more.

I dont remember where I read it... or heard it.. I think it was Barbara Simpson on Coast to Coast AM... but the comment was...

"We treat our pets better here in the US, than Islam (Especially in Iraq and Afghanistan)treat their women." But these same PETA people are against the war to liberate them... right?

Back in the pre-cable dark ages when the Hawk wore a cub scout uniform (and no jokes about me being 20 at the time) I had every Topps card released, bought one pack at a time from the concession stand at the little league football field where I first sustained the concussions and other brain injuries that would bring me to where I am today. Griese Rookie card, Warfield, Csonka, long haired guys and guys with afros that could no way fit under a helmet, you name it, Hawk had 'em! And I was a Redskins fan!

Sorry for the rambling, couldn't resist. Anyhow, here's the visual I can't get away from: Little Garo Yepremian drop-kicking Iraqi mines back into Baghdad.

Like I said, lots of concussions...

God Bless The United States of America!

Woof
Woof woof. Woof Woof woof. Grrrrrrr..woof!
Hoooooooooooowwwwwllll....
Woof woof.
Grrrrrrrrrr....

Dearest Dr Harden;
Ack, excellent. I will ask for professional courtesy, so please don't bill me. Should have realized he was a beserk liberal and ignored him. As always, greyhawk, Phrog, tip of the hat to your excellent comments. Down Rin, down...thats my leg....ughhhh. Want a cigarette boy?

Danjo
GO MARINES!

Dr Danjo
Your story above was not excessively long. You were right to the point. The sub-rants make ScrappleFace unique in the blog world (just my opinion). In short, you go, Doc!!
Also, it hurts my elbow whenever I wrap my arm fully around my head to reach my keyboard and type. This may sound ridiculous but I need some way to inject difficulty into the task of fragging the morons who post anti-everything messages here. What can I do for this pain?

Greyhawk,

Couldn't help but offer my "second opinion." Since it was unsolicted I won't bill for it.

I know it is very difficult to helplessly watch them self destruct...I know it's painfull to not be able assist them in some way in such a dire time of need.

In my professional opinion, what these morons need is a session in past life regressions to help them determine what created this negitive karmic need to be born as a Liberal in America, when they could have been something far greater, like an Afghan woman, and be fulfilling the true measure of their creation. For some reason we have no way of understanding... they have a need to protest against those who are trying to change this opressive abusive situation. I sugguest that you try to understand their plight and empathize... feel their pain... it may help to lessen your own somewhat.

Hope this helps a little... sorry I couldn't do Moore.

Dearest Greyhawk;

Alas, sir there some things we can't fix. Sometimes the good fight is painful and we must struggle on. After a hard day of the good fight, I recommend a good scotch and satisfaction of a day well done.

Danjo
ack my elbow hurts, honey you seen my medicine?

I am glad to so many of my medical constituency are here. I have found that Dr. Stuhl is probably one of the leading experts in the field of ìLiberal Dysfunctional Syndromeî as it is known in all the major medical journals. I concur wholeheartedly with his diagnosis and have even personally felt the strain of a disease that continues to become more prevalent in modern day society.

I recently lost my sister to this dreaded disease. She is now a permanent patient of the George Putnam Treatment Center in Flushing, New York. I don't wish to garner sympathy for my families plight but I would like to at least share some of the signs that become more prevalent as their condition gets worse. Perhaps this will benefit others:

1.) Liberals suddenly become mentally jaundiced - a state of feeling in which views are prejudiced or judgment is distorted, as by envy or resentment. They become scatterbrained and devoid of all sense of reality.

2.)Liberals develop a type of hemolytic brain anemia - an anemic condition characterized by the destruction of red blood cells in the brain, vital for proper hand to eye coordination: also quite often seen in certain infectious and hereditary disorders and known in layman terms as simplethought-itus, or being simply French. This can causes them to proliferate obsessively from the mouth making them hard to understand.

3.) Development of Foot ñ in- Mouth disease is quite common ñ this highly contagious disease almost exclusive to Women from N.O.W, Sheep, Liberal Democrats from the East coast,parts of South Dakota, Weapons Inspectors,Hollywood Actors, Biased Media, U.N Council Members,and other cloven-hoofed animals. It is caused by a virus that was identified in 1897. Among its symptoms are fever, loss of appetite and weight gain, ridiculous statements, lack of restraint in public, and blisters on the mucous membranes, especially those of the mouth, feet, and udder. Discharge from the blisters is heavily infected with the virus, as are saliva, milk, urine, and other secretions. This is commonly misunderstood as commenting or making a point.Thus the disease is readily spread by contact; by contaminated food, water, soil, or other propagandous materials; or through the air at Democratic conventions. Conservatives, who seldom contract the disease, may be carriers, as may rats, dogs, birds, wild animals, and frozen meats.

4.)Quarantine, slaughter and complete disposal of infected animals, Women from N.O.W.,and disinfection of contaminated material, are prescribed to limit contagion. Most liberals refuse an effective treatment.Which is the saddest part of the disease. With vaccines, introduced in 1938, and sanitary controls, foot-in-mouth disease has been excluded or eliminated from most of Middle America, Israel,parts of England and Canada, Japan, and parts of Australia; and occurrences have become even more infrequent in Great Britain and parts of continental Europe in recent years. The disease persists through much of Asia, Africa, and South America the Middle East and Hollywood.

sincerely,

Dr. I.M. Learned
James Hopkins Hospital
Great Plains, New York

I have been told that Dolphins are clever. You could try one as your President !

Hummm, I would vote for Bob Griesi but that Mercury Morris had a drug problem.

Danjo
GO Saints!

Yes Frenchtry...

We now have scientific proof that Dolphins are very intellegent; rivialing Villipans in submersed, subversive navigation. It is the Educated French who think Dolphins and Villipans are the most "clever" of mammals. Is it not?

P.E.T.A. has lost all credibility with me. They are complaining about the Navy using dolphins for dangerous duty, but I haven't heard a word from them about the Navy using Seals. Sounds like if you're a Seal, you're on your own!

Does P.E.T.A. really stand for People-Eating-Their-Animals? Count me in!

Michael Moore