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March 26, 2003
Amber Alert Goes Out for Connie Chung

(2003-03-26) -- AMBER ALERT: Connie Chung

40-50 years old, Asian-American, female, dark hair, dark eyes, 110-125 pounds, missing for about a week, last seen at New York studios of CNN, wearing bright red dress with matching lipstick and perfectly coiffed hair.

Police found evidence that she left the network bleeding cash.

by Scott Ott | Donate | | Comments (52) | More Satire | Printer-Friendly
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US FORCES

Killed in combat (2 confirmed)

March 20/21: Two Marines killed in separate incidents(Pentagon)

March 23/4: Between ten (CNN) and 25 (Iraqi Government) at al-Nasiriyah

March 25: Eight "enemy soldiers" killed at al-Nasiriyah (Iraqi Government)

Non-combat deaths (8)

March 21: Four US Marines in helicopter crash on Kuwaiti border

March 22: One American killed when two Royal Navy Sea King helicopters crash

March 23: One American killed at rear base in Kuwait by grenades thrown by colleague.

March 24: Two US Marines killed in separate accidents in Iraq (Pentagon)

March 25: A second soldier died of injuries sustained in the grenade attack of March 23

Prisoners of war (7 confirmed)

Five supply workers taken in al-Nasiriyah (Iraq claims it has "more")

Two from Apache helicopter crash (Iraqi Government)

One coalition airman allegedly held after bailing out over Baghdad (Al-Jazeera). Ministry of Defence dismisses this as "purely rumour".

Missing in action (12)

12 at al-Nasiriyah (Pentagon)

UK FORCES

Killed in combat (2)

March 24/5: Two soldiers killed in action near al-Zubayr in southern Iraq. (British military sources)

Accidentals deaths/friendly fire (18)

March 21: Eight in CH-46 Sea Knight helicopter crash, northern Kuwait

March 22: Six in mid-air Sea King helicopter collision, the Gulf

March 23: Two in RAF Tornado jet shot down by US Patriot missile, Kuwaiti border

March 25: Two members of a British tank crew died in a "friendly fire" incident near Basra. The two were from the Queen's Royal Lancers, part of the 1st Royal Regiment of Fusiliers battle group. Two others were injured.

Missing in action (2)

March 24: Two in southern Iraq (Ministry of Defence). Their Land Rover was ambushed on Sunday by Iraqi forces with a rocket-propelled grenade in Al Zubayr.

Prisoners of war

None confirmed

Posted by: calvin at March 26, 2003 08:11 AM

What does this have to do with Connie?

Posted by: kent at March 26, 2003 08:22 AM

After this war the UN must scour Iraq for WMD. If none are found then Bush and Blair should be prosecuted.

Posted by: calvin at March 26, 2003 08:34 AM

So many, John Smith, and not even beginning to count the Iraqis. (Not that they would occur to people like you and Calvin.) Well John Smith, there's your current score, complements of Calvin.
But Calvin, just like Kent I think you're confused as to Connies part in all this.

Posted by: greyhawk at March 26, 2003 08:40 AM

The UN has rendered itself impotent. This is unfortunate, perhaps. Still, it will not be setting any standards for anything in the near future. Have you been sleeping, Calvin?
By the way, the survivors of those Marine/Army units would appreciate it if you could meet them at the airport when they get home, chickens**t.

Posted by: greyhawk at March 26, 2003 09:01 AM

I'm happy to see Connie Chung go. Watching her rasp away on CNN made it hard for me to breathe, like watching someone with a tracheotomy (sp?).

Posted by: Malakuy at March 26, 2003 09:08 AM

UN ANNOUNCES CALVIN WILL DETERMINE VICTORY CONDITIONS FOR IRAQ WAR
New York
In a surprise announcement (in that most reporters thought the organization defunct) the UN today announced it has hired Calvin (no last name) to determine all conditions for which success can be declared in the curent war. No question as to Calvins qualifications will be tolerated. In an apparently confused statement, Calvin declared he will make all his declarations via the posts on ScrappleFace, the on-line news satire site.
For Independent News Network
Konny Chunk reporting

Posted by: Konny Chunk at March 26, 2003 09:10 AM

CALVIN!!!!
Will you quit playing on the computer, and please take out the trash.

Posted by: Your Mother at March 26, 2003 10:00 AM

A dairy spokesman said that milk cartons with two pictures of Connie up-Chung are being manufactured as we speak. One with makeup and one on the inside of the carton with out makeup. We don't want to spoil anyone's breakfast. We only hope that when people open the carton to view the picture on the inside, they don't lose their breakfast.

Posted by: Mike S at March 26, 2003 10:10 AM

Calvin, Mommy says it's time to turn the computer off and go to bed! Great to say goodbye and worst wishes to Connie Chump! I'll never forget what she said to the Oklahomans immediately after the OKC bombing. She made a record exit from that site after mechanistic insinuations and insults to the locals with her drivel...

Posted by: zzebu at March 26, 2003 10:43 AM

Connie Chung missing, I didn't notice and I'm suprised anyone else did. Maybe she ran and hid since her ratings are so low compared to Fox News.

Calvin,
you are sick. Yes there have been deaths and they should be honored for their heroics and giving the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Show some respect.
Oh, when an opposing force is found with 3000 chem suits and atropine injectors (to counter the effects of nerve gas since you don't understand that) you have to wonder what they are planning. Would they need all that if they didn't have WMD? Think for yourself and quit believing all the bulls#@! you hear on the news and read in the papers (they pray on the ignorance of people like you).

Posted by: Justin at March 26, 2003 11:25 AM

The real reason for her departure. Bill, I told you they were members of the Stonecutters Society. You guys have to believe us.

http://www.rense.com/general28/ssb.htm

Posted by: S. Bob at March 26, 2003 11:32 AM

Naive question

What do Calvin types actually accept to die for?

Posted by: nosingaround at March 26, 2003 11:37 AM

Calvin!!
I just hung up with your mother. You are in big trouble mister. You just wait until I get home from work. By the way, if you're going to bother people on web sites, at least stay on subject and stop embarassing yourself.

Posted by: YOUR FATHER!!!!! at March 26, 2003 11:45 AM

Calvin,

We come here for a little comic relief. You are a morbid, sick SOB. At least the other anti-war people here have the a little class and the sense that there are people here with loved ones serving. Go back to your cave and Kalishnikov.

Posted by: Pooke at March 26, 2003 12:17 PM

The tragedy of America in the post-cold war era is that we have proved unequal to the responsibility that our own power placed upon us.

Some of us became intoxicated with it, imagining that we could rule the world.

Posted by: colin at March 26, 2003 12:19 PM

Where Where?
Where be the Connie
Who used to cover Ronnie?
Where Where?

Where be Teddy Turner
While Connie on da burner?
Where? Where?

Where be Maury
When Connie be so Sorry?
Where? Where?

Where be the Bin Laden
Must have him run and Haden
Where Where?

Where be Saddam?
Was he hurt after da bom?
Where, Where?

Posted by: I'mmearlyamoracca at March 26, 2003 12:29 PM

Calvin, you obviously are distraught over the loss of Hobbes. Prozac should help, if not, try D-Con.

Ulcerated Colin: We can and will rule the world. It will just take time to eliminate the sick b*****ds like Saddam, Kim Joke Ill, Yassar (that's my baby) Arafat. After the truly sick, we'll start reprogramming dips***ts like you.

Posted by: tired of whiners at March 26, 2003 12:36 PM

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER

As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.

According to reports from the front, many of the soldiers were initially suspicious of the president, doubtful that an Ivy Leaguer who once used powerful family connections to avoid service in Vietnam had what it took to face enemy fire head-on.

"Bush is the best soldier I've ever had the honor of fighting alongside," said Pvt. Jon Benjamin, 23. "I'd take a bullet for that man, because I know he'd take one for me if he had to."

Proving himself a worthy foot soldier, Bush has earned the respect of his fellow front-line combatants with acts of courage and heroism that one soldier called "a truly inspiring example of one man's commitment to the cause of liberty."

Posted by: Jon Benjamin at March 26, 2003 12:41 PM

Now that the Iraqis have shown indifference the the 3rd army, we are now sending over the high-tech 4th army...May God/Alah have mercy on their souls (or not).

Posted by: Justin at March 26, 2003 12:58 PM

BASRA, SAN FRANCISCO REVOLT AGAINST PRO-SADDAM FORCES

Bloody popular uprisings began yesterday in the cities of Basra and San Francisco as citizens took to the streets to end years of oppression by minority pro-Saddam forces. Coalition forces are said to be providing massive military support.

Key Events:

British commandos storm Ba'ath headquarters outside Basra, capture party leader as populist street fighters clash with Saddamites in heart of city, setting ablaze dozens of buildings associated with the hated regime

Angry patriots storm San Francisco city hall, parade mayor's head on a pike as 200 U.S. Air Force B-52's carpet-bomb Saddamite strongholds on Berkley campus

Saddamite forces in Basra use hortizonal artillery fire and technicals disguised as U.S. troops in attempt to crush largely unarmed popular forces

Saddamite forces in San Francisco use gun control slogans and peace signs to counter-attack heavily-armed N.R.A. supporters and other patriots; appeasenik losses said to be 'total'

ONGOING / More details when available ...

Posted by: Keith at March 26, 2003 01:25 PM

Who's that guy on MSNBC that has a mouth like Gumby? It makes me nervous just to watch him talk?

Posted by: Radio at March 26, 2003 01:29 PM

Jon benjamin

first off, where the h**l is the h in your name man?! Jon?? Give me a break, any guy named Jon has got to be a fag, not disparinging homosexuals of course.

How do you find serving as a fighter pilot during Viet Nam a way to avoid Viet Nam. But your buddy Bill Clinton fled to London - he of course didn't avoid Viet Nam. Just because the draft board couldn't catch him. I am sure had the draft board caught him, and he didn't manipulate the head of the Arkansas National Guard to get a deferment to join the Guard and then didn't, all the time using his w***e mother (how else did he have so much influence being a poor boy from Hope), he would have gone to Viet Nam. Major run on sentence there, but thats...ok.

Posted by: Darth Chef at March 26, 2003 02:06 PM

to
darth chef
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...;-D
any guy named Jon has got to be a fag,
HAAAAAAAAAA ......

Posted by: jp at March 26, 2003 02:12 PM

Give it to 'em Darth! Clinton was so busy not inhaling in London that he probably didn't even know a war was going on...

Posted by: zzebu at March 26, 2003 02:19 PM

Awe Tiny Tongs is gone
good !!
WORTHLESS YELLOW JOURNALIST
OOPS's NO RACIST PUN INTENDED

Posted by: BY NOW at March 26, 2003 02:19 PM

I HAD A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT...

77 SUNSET STRIP
AND
HAWAIIAN EYE

WERE BACK ON TV..AGAIN
SOME OF YOU " KNOW " WHAT I MEAN
TALK ME DOWN ...guys it's coming back
use the d**n MOAB NOW!!!

Posted by: jp at March 26, 2003 02:44 PM

Jonnie Benjamin,
Prove that Bush avoided the war. My father enlisted because he knew that he was going to be drafted. By enlisting he had his choice of what he wanted to do and was able to come home safe. If he joined the nat'l guard, how can that be avoiding the war? So his unit didn't get called up, wooptie-doo. As was stated, at least he wasn't in a foreign country smoking pot protesting the war.

How does someone try pot, not inhale and not like it? If that is the case, it shows what type of person he is. He will do something to appease others (peer pressure), but leave a loophole out there to keep him out of trouble (depends on what the definition of is is).

Posted by: Justin at March 26, 2003 02:48 PM

Justin, not only did Bill Clinton say he tried pot, didn't inhale, and didn't like it, but he admitted it took him several different occasions to figure it out.

Posted by: Darth Chef at March 26, 2003 02:59 PM

ok, what really makes me confused is how any of this is supposed to be funny. I read a bunch of this stuff and it's all ho-hum. I'm going back to The Onion

Posted by: tommy birchett at March 26, 2003 03:24 PM

Darth Chef,
Just shows you that pot doesn't give you a higher enlightenment or make things funny, it just makes you downright stupid. Ahh, lightbulb! Now I know why all these dimocrats/liberals seem to lack common sense, they are/were potheads.

Posted by: Justin at March 26, 2003 03:34 PM

Radio,

It must be Lester Holt on PMSNBC.

TV

Posted by: tony v at March 26, 2003 04:42 PM

First things first: do I think Saddam Hussein is a boil on the back-side of humanity? Durn tootin' I do. Should he get dropped in the shredder? Feet first and slow.

Do I think our President (who was elected in the manner proscribed no matter what whiny sore-looser-what-about-the-popular-vote-dimocrats rant about) is going about Saddam's removal in the best way?
Nope.

Don't try to sell a bin Laden - Hussein link. It doesn't work. The CIA said "what link?" THe terrorist training camps are to train Iraqi terrorists. That is a good enough reason to blow them up, and it fits right in with the "War on Terrorism."
Osama is a Shiite fundamentalist (or at least he professes to be to fool the converts). Saddam is, or was, Sunni. Saddam is also a big time drinker (major sin), known rapist (bigger sin), and has relations with mistresses. A faithful Muslim (as Osama says he is) would want to kill Saddam for his religious crimes.

Yes, Iraq has been laughing at UN resolutions for years. So has Isreal, and we ship them billions.
Yes, Iraq is guilty of human rights violations. So is Turkey. Ask the Kurds. Why can't we use the air bases in Turkey? They don't want our troops there to see it when they shart shooting Kurdish refugees (20km buffer zone).
Yes, Iraq has a brutal and repressive dicatorship. So does Saudi Arabia. In Iraq women can drive cars and have jobs. They can go out in the street without a veil and head covering. In Saudi Arabia, they are not allowed to leave a burning building without being properly dressed. Drive a car? They can't even ride in the front seat.
We want to foster democracy in the mid-East. Then why did we give Kuwait back to its dictator?

A majority of South Koreans think the US (actually they refer to Pres. Bush) is the current #1 threat to world peace. Even though they live next door to a starving rogue nuclear power with whom they are (technically) at war and with the 5th largest army in the world. All that and the President scares them more. hmmmmm.

It would have been easier, more politic, and more widely accepted if the President had concentrated on domestic issues and let his internationally respected Sec. of State do a few months worth of meetings with various heads of state and talked them around to supporting the ouster of Saddam. A subtle PR campaign on European TV could have had the liberal masses out in the streets demanding that Saddam be removed. A UN resolution calling for military force would have been a piece of cake, the US as the UN's main muscle would have been viewed as the liberator THAT IT ACTUALLY IS!
Instead, we're being portrayed as the bad guys. And a lot of our own citizens are buying into that view (morons).

To make a long story short (too late!): is what we are doing the right thing? Yes.
Do I think we went about it the right way? No.

Guess what? Too late to change it, let's go kick some Iraqi butt!

Posted by: some random guy at March 26, 2003 05:55 PM

Dear Tommy, Calvin, etc. Let me introduce myself, My name is Drill SGT Boot-in-your-a$$, and when your good buddy, Charles Rangle gets the draft re-instated, then I will get you little, pablem lickin' pukes, and maggots to drop and give me 50, the hard way! Lookin' forward to meetin' ya BOYS!!!

Posted by: SGT ElevenBravo at March 26, 2003 06:22 PM

Tony V,

Good, I'm glad I'm not getting brain fade from watching too much news. You see it too.

Did you see the dead people?

Posted by: Radio at March 26, 2003 06:52 PM

THE GREAT STATE OF OREGON
***************************

IS NOW READY TO PASS A BILL
ALL VIOLENT ANTI WAR PROTESTERS

SHALL BE DEEMED AS TERRORIST
****************************

Posted by: LAW at March 26, 2003 08:37 PM

I recommend Glen Beck's web site. He has organized support rallies around the country, with great turnout. Check this site for rally information.

Also patriotwarriors.com is great! Check in for unique rally information here.

Posted by: AHA at March 26, 2003 09:44 PM

ex-Con NieChung... I remember when she first started Anchoring... came from a Los Angeles California Station if I remember it right...
And I wondered then how much she paid to get the Job. If she took her money and run.. no wonder the network is in trouble.

Now Debra Norville.. Inside Edition? she was cute.. what ever happend to her? She would make a good replacement?

Posted by: Phrog Poet at March 26, 2003 09:59 PM

The peace movement is afraid of an American Empire. After this war the UN must scour the US for monarchy. If no monarchy is found then Chirac etc. should be prosecuted.

Posted by: Joseph Hertzlinger at March 26, 2003 10:20 PM

**********_______________________________
**********
**********_______________________________
**********
**********_______________________________

_________________________________________

_________________________________________

Posted by: jp at March 26, 2003 11:52 PM

Pssst, calvin!

Hobbes says he's gonna kick the %#*&! outta you!

Odd that Ms. Chung was fired...

We've always found her to be so adroit with sensitive issues around here.

Go figure.

Posted by: Okie Dokie at March 26, 2003 11:57 PM

hey random guy,

Israel has been the target of anti-semitic "UN resolutions" for years now.
They patiently ignore them as do most Americans who can read those words on the wall.
It's tough being the only democracy in the neighborhood.

As for your opinion on no possible interaction between bin laden and saddam, I think you're projecting our moral outlook and not applying theirs to the situation. saddam pays palestinean terrorists' families thousands of bucks for what? To pay terrorists to attack Israeli civilians.
Why would he give bin laden money?
To attack American civilians? The hated sponsors of the evil zionists?
Seems that would be more keeping in character for saddam..

Other than those two points, I agree with everything you wrote.

Sic 'em fellas.
On to Baghdad.

Posted by: Okie Dokie at March 27, 2003 12:32 AM

Calvin BOY, Drill SGT Boot-in-your-a$$ here. Got your enlistment papers right here, don't worry, I won't ask, and I won't tell, just sign on the dotted line! When I get you in BCT, I WILL make you a Man! I know, your boyfriend said it couldn't be done, but you wormy little maggot, by GOD, and all that is Holy, when I'm done with you boy, you will be proud to be an AMERICAN, son! Now dry those crocadile tears boy, and I promise you , after BCT, I will MAKE SURE you get some AIT that will make sure you don't end up a PLO, (Permanant Latrine Orderly), or DRO, on KP! You do know what the initials stand for, don't ya boy? Just remember, in this man's Army, you will always be an 11Bravo, that's your Primary MOS, you little puke!

Posted by: SGT ElevenBravo at March 27, 2003 12:53 AM

SUPPORTING:

Okie Dokie

GUNNING FOR SADDAM - PBS FRONTLINE
_________________________________
Program #2005 Original Airdate: November 8, 2001
Written, produced and directed by Michael Kirk
this show you can order this video AT PBS.ORG
_________________________________

On July 9, 1999 a meeting took place at Salman Pak Iraq Saddam Hussein his Son Udday Hussein and Osama Bin Laden meet together,in a camp called Unit 999,

Posted by: JP at March 27, 2003 02:26 AM

Posted by Radio at March 26, 2003 01:29 PM

Quote "Who's that guy on MSNBC that has a mouth like Gumby? It makes me nervous just to watch him talk?"

Do you mean that guy that looks like a little green glob of clay?

Posted by: Harden Stuhl at March 27, 2003 03:29 AM

JP
Great post above. I can think of a lot of rants that your graphic would be the only suitable response to.

Joseph H
Your hit the target dead on, kill shot, score another for the god guys. ;). Enjoyed your Blog too.

Posted by: greyhawk at March 27, 2003 06:40 AM

Isrealis and Palestinians are both in the wrong. Its like the Bloods and the Crips. A big turf war. ( speaking of Bloods and Crips, anybody catch the latest South Park? Hoot!!)

Our loyal Saudi allies (can you hear the sarcasm) have been bank-rolling Osama. After we bust up Saddam, let's turn the troops south-west and take Riyahd (sp?).

My latest theory on why civilization spread so quickly out of Mesopotamia and the Nile Valley: all the people with sense realized how screwed up the region was and decided to get the heck out of their. Every tribe (nation) in the mid-East hates every other tribe (nation) and does there level best to kill each other off every few generations.

Where is a good plague when you need one?

(if I'm so smart, how come I ain't rich?)

Posted by: s.r.g at March 27, 2003 08:58 AM

Phrog, I think she could be replaced with a video of grass growing and noone would notice.

As 4 Random Guy,

He states that it would have been easier, more politic and more widely accepted if Colin Powell talked the heads of state into supporting the removal of Saddam. That overlooks 1441 and the German, French and Russian leaders turning a blind eye to Iraqs history of breeches in favor of their construction/oil contracts. They never would have supported the type of PR campaign he describes.

So we can be portrayed as the bad guys in the short term. History will prove otherwiseÖ

Posted by: Pooke at March 27, 2003 09:31 AM

Go back to Czechoslovakia"
While it's Chung's job to ask tough questions of politicians like Thompson, asking him how he dares to contradict another government official is hardly the way to go about it. But that approach is consistent with Chung's style; this wasn't the first time she'd berated a guest for a supposed lack of patriotism.

Consider Chung's interview with Martina Navratilova (7/17/02), after the Czech-born tennis star made news for criticizing the U.S. political system in an interview with the German newspaper Die Zeit. Chung read back the quote in question:
The most absurd part of my escape from the unjust system is that I have exchanged one system that suppresses free opinion for another. The Republicans in the U.S. manipulate public opinion and sweep controversial issues under the table. It's depressing. Decisions in America are based solely on the question of how much money will come out of it and not on the questions of how much health, morals or environment suffer as a result.

Chung was forthright about her own reaction to this, telling Navratilova, "When I read this, I have to tell you that I thought it was un-American, unpatriotic. I wanted to say, go back to Czechoslovakia."

Navratilova explained that she loved he United States and felt it was her duty to speak out, asking Chung, "Why is that "unpatriotic?" Chung replied, "Well, you know the old line, love it or leave it."

For Chung, apparently, love means never having anything critical to say.

Posted by: Navratilova at March 27, 2003 12:01 PM

s.r.g,

You hit the head right on the nail. And if the Bin Ladens are so rich, why aren't they smart?

Posted by: Phrog Poet at March 31, 2003 03:56 PM

get-connie-back-or-dig-up-john-gotti

Posted by: richard at June 25, 2003 05:17 AM

Editor's Note: ScrappleFace readers are intelligent enough to express themselves without obscenities. ScrappleFace endeavors to be suitable for all ages. If an obscene interloper posts here, please report the incident to the blogmaster who will delete the comment. (Include the name, date and time of the comment.) So please take that extra moment to think of a civil synonym

Posted by: john at July 31, 2003 07:10 PM
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