ScrappleFace: Paterno Signs Final Contract to Coach Until 2084

Paterno Signs Final Contract to Coach Until 2084

(2003-01-31) -- Joe Paterno, the winningest coach in Division I-A college football history, today for the first time put a definite end point on his Penn State coaching career.

Mr. Paterno, age 76, signed what he is calling his "final contract" to coach the Nitanny Lions until the year 2084.

"It was a tough decision," he told a hastily-gathered press conference. "But everybody's got to hang up the Nikes at some point. I want to shoot straight with the kids I'm recruiting. Right now, I can honestly say to a kid, I'm going to be here only another 81 years."

In the year 2084, the coach said he would start planning who would succeed him in the role he's already held for 37 seasons.

"I know my assistant coaches will be excited to hear this," Mr. Paterno added. "As much as they enjoy coaching under me, it's natural for a man to want to be the top dog. Now they know when they'll get their shot."

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I am impressed by his decision to coach well beyond his 100th birthday which seems an artificial retirement point. I see no reason for any person to cease being an active member of society due to age. If he were to somehow cease to actually be "alive", I do not think that that would be an impediment for continuing to be striving to be all that he could be.

Posted by: Rancid Roadkill at January 31, 2003 11:24 PM

Former Penn State players were asked to comment on Coach "Joe Pa's" announcement. Franco Harris, now a resident at Goal Line Retirement Village in Sarasota said, "I expect Joe Pa will be coaching my great-great-great grandkids. His memory for names isn't what it used to be, but so what? All the players are just numbers to him anyway, but its good that their jerseys are all labeled."

Joe Jurevicius added, "Coach Paterno is even faster now with his Air Force Ones. He also quit wearing white socks, so I guess he's feeling pretty spunky. I just hope optical technology improves in the next 50 years so Joe Pa's glasses don't have to get any heavier. Their weight was starting to cause him to twitch like a bobble head doll during my last season at PSU."

Posted by: N. Facol at February 1, 2003 12:01 AM

If not for the State of Alabama's mandatory retirement age of 70 for state employees, Bear Bryant would still be coaching today (and maybe he'd even still be alive).

Posted by: Robert at February 1, 2003 12:15 PM

There's rumors in South Bend that the University of ND is secretly cloning Knute Rockne. That really puts a new spin on "Wake Up The Echoes"!

Posted by: tim crofoot at February 1, 2003 01:03 PM

Young whippersnapper, Bobby Bowden, 73, was heard to say, "Dadgummit, I'll never catch that old codger now!

Posted by: Larry at February 1, 2003 09:42 PM

...and I hope that Scott Ott is there to cover every year of it!

Posted by: John Lemon at February 3, 2003 05:48 PM

Look for Penn State's recruiting class to be the best in the land next year as this signed contract will finally ease the doubts of possible recruits as to whether Paterno will coach their entire Penn State Careers

Posted by: O. DaHill at February 11, 2003 10:21 AM

Check the current issue of Sport Illustrated. This post is mentioned.

Posted by: Kevin at October 10, 2003 01:35 AM

As I'm not a subscriber, (and don't want to give SI $4.95), I'm just here to say,......last!

That and, "Kiss my grits, frenchfry!"

Posted by: UNOME, travelling back in time! at October 10, 2003 03:45 PM