(2002-10-18) -- The U.S. Justice Department filed suit today against the federal government calling it "a colossal monopoly that stifles competition and free enterprise in dozens of businesses."

Attorney General John Ashcroft said his department would seek a breakup of the federal government into "efficient, but not invulnerable, units which could then compete in the free market for customers."

"We say we believe in capitalism and free markets, and we force corporations to play fair," said Mr. Ashcroft, "but we've turned a blind eye to the biggest monopoly of all."

The Justice Department suit, which fills 576 pages with allegations and proposed remedies, calls for the privatization of the U.S. Postal Service, Amtrak, the public education system, tax collection, transportation security, air traffic control, food inspection and dozens of other roles from which private business has been shut out for years.

"Just to show that we're serious about this," said Mr. Ashcroft, "We've hired a private law firm to prosecute the case. And from now on, the Justice Department will be called Ashcroft & Associates, Attorneys at Law. We actually made a bid for this federal breakup business, but the other firm made a better offer."