The New Jersey Democratic Party today filed
suit against Douglas Forrester for alledgedly
waiting until close to the election before
gaining in the polls. They are seeking damages
for the cost of new ballots and intentional
infliction of emotional damage. Senate Majority
Leader Tom Daschle pointed to Sen. Robert "Torch" Torecelli's recent dillusional
speech, where he claimed to have built women's shelters and lead American troops across the icy Potomac River, as evidence of the outrageous
harm that Forrester has inflicted. A spokesman
for Forrester replied that the Democrats had
clearly planned this episode in advance, since without advance notice they could not have
thawed out former Sen. Lautenberg in time for
yesterdays rally.

The NJ Supreme Court recently decided that, notwithstanding law's requirement that any changes in candidates occur "not later than the 51st day before the general election" , the Democrats can now substitute a new candidate for an unpopular one, because it would be unfair to leave voters without a good choice among the two major political parties. In light of this decision, I am planning some lawsuits of my own:

A while back a got a NJ speeding ticket for going just five miles over the speed limit. When I objected to the officer that it was just five miles and the road was clear and why should I have to follow a speeding limit anyway, he simply told me that the speed limit was the law. In light of the NJ Supreme Court ruling, that justification obviously is no longer sufficient, and I should have ability to override posted speeding limits in the interest of fairness and of choice. I ask anyone who has ever received a NJ speeding ticket and thought the speeding law should be more flexible to join me in this suit.

In addition, the existing tax laws related to income, social security, property and sales tax currently require me to pay over 50% of my income in taxes. This does not seem at all fair to me, and I really think I should have a choice. So while the law is pretty clear about my obligations to pay taxes, I will ask the NJ Supreme Court to allow me to ignore those laws in the interest of fairness and choice. I ask all others who think that their taxes are unfair to join me in this suit.

Finally, my wife avers that our marriage compact clearly prohibits me from engaging in any extra-marital liaisons. I think this is unfair (have you seen my wife lately?) and I should have a choice. I plan to petition the NJ Supreme Court for equitable relief.

Rangel-Chretien ticket won't work in that Chretien is not a native born U.S. citizen requied of presendential candidates.

CLINTON SLAMS CHURCHILL FOR 'UNILARALISM'

In a speech to David Geffen's 12-step support group today, former President Bill Clinton pointed out how Great Britain's behavior during World War II highlights the fallacy of unilateral action.

"When Germany hit Poland, the British just up and unilaterally declared war," stated Clinton. "It was useless because they had no cruise missiles to lob at Berlin or even at Warsaw."

Clinton ignored the counterpoints made by two men in the audience that Germany was an active aggressor and that World War II led to Germany's defeat. However, when the woman with the largest breasts in the room made the same points, Clinton responded, "Yeah, sweetheart. That's right. But look what happened to Churchill. The British chucked him out of office! Now was that worth going in alone at the start? Ha! And to think that guys like him used to call guys like me from Arkansas 'rubes'!"

Yee Haw! Tag Team Wrestling!

I understand that every effort is being made to get team Mckinney back in the party... keep your fingers crossed. Wow, wouldn't that put a final nail in the coffin!