ScrappleFace500.gif
Top Headlines...
:: Dean: Celebrate 2,000th Iraq Death with Dignity
:: Bush: Miers Views Not Clouded by Legal Scholarship
:: CNN Poll: Bush Would Lose Election or Be Arrested
:: Iraq Constitution Approval Another Setback for Bush
:: Sen. Coburn Offers Compromise 'Bridge to Everywhere'
:: NY Times Editor Vows Not to Be Distracted by Scandal
:: Exiled Rove Will Volunteer to Think for Bush
:: Spotlight on Miers' 'Inadequate and Insulting' Answers
:: Citing Privacy Right, Miers Rejects Roe Questions
:: Republicans to Cut Spending, Dems Back Abortion Ban
Scott Ott Premiere Speakers Bureau
Scott Ott Speaks
to Your Organization

February 15, 2005
NHL to Settle Salary Dispute with Lawyer Fistfight
by Scott Ott

(2005-02-15) -- The National Hockey League, on the verge of canceling the season over a salary dispute with the player's union, announced that negotiations would end today with a "bare-knuckle fistfight between the lawyers."

Gary Bettman, the attorney who serves as NHL commissioner and Bob Goodenow, a lawyer and executive director of the player's union, will "throw down the gloves" at an arena yet to be named. Tickets for the event have already sold out.

If Mr. Bettman wins, the NHL imposes a salary cap at 55 percent of revenues. If Mr. Goodenow wins, the players receive a 24-percent pay cut, but avoid a revenue-based cap.

The winner of the fight will be determined by the league dentist, who, incidentally, is the NHL's highest paid employee.

No matter who wins, the NHL will continue to hone its marketing strategy "to entertain fewer fans at higher ticket prices until owning an NHL franchise becomes America's best way to reduce taxable income and keep your name out of the papers."

Donate | More Satire | Printer-Friendly |
Email this entry to: Your email address:
Message (optional):