February 15, 2005
NHL to Settle Salary Dispute with Lawyer Fistfight by Scott Ott (2005-02-15) -- The National Hockey League, on the verge of canceling the season over a salary dispute with the player's union, announced that negotiations would end today with a "bare-knuckle fistfight between the lawyers." Gary Bettman, the attorney who serves as NHL commissioner and Bob Goodenow, a lawyer and executive director of the player's union, will "throw down the gloves" at an arena yet to be named. Tickets for the event have already sold out. If Mr. Bettman wins, the NHL imposes a salary cap at 55 percent of revenues. If Mr. Goodenow wins, the players receive a 24-percent pay cut, but avoid a revenue-based cap. The winner of the fight will be determined by the league dentist, who, incidentally, is the NHL's highest paid employee. No matter who wins, the NHL will continue to hone its marketing strategy "to entertain fewer fans at higher ticket prices until owning an NHL franchise becomes America's best way to reduce taxable income and keep your name out of the papers." Donate | More Satire | Printer-Friendly | |
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