Outraged Pope Decrees Equal Pay for Female Pontiffs

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Pope Francis

Pope Francis reacted with shock recently upon learning the Vatican wage scale pays female Popes just 72-cents on the dollar compared to Pontiffs who happen to be male.

(2015-04-29) — Pope Francis today demanded an end to the wage gap that forces women to do equal work for less pay, which he called “pure scandal.”

To set an example of leadership, he immediately attacked the injustice with an edict requiring the Vatican to pay all female Pontiffs exactly what their male counterparts earn.

“They have the same rights,” Francis declared. “A Holy Father who is a woman does just as much work as one who happens to be a man. From now on, her paycheck will reflect that equality of burden.”

The Pope did not consult with the College of Cardinals before issuing the equal-pay Papal Bull because, in his words, he “knew the guys wouldn’t mind, so long as it doesn’t discriminate against men.”

The next female Bishoprice of Rome will still get full pre-natal care, obstetrical and gynecological services and paid maternity leave as part of her benefits, but more importantly, her salary and bonus package will match that of her male predecessors, adjusted for inflation.

A Vatican spokesman said a Vicarette of Christ will still have to wear the large shapeless pontifical garment, “but that’s a universal requirement, regardless of sex, and most elderly women don’t mind.”

 

 

 

Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

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Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Rand Paul to Officially Declare Liberty to Lie About Him

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Rand Paul to declare to for president.

Sen. Rand Paul, shown here counting down the days before Republicans, and the general public, can fully enjoy their God-given liberty to make up stuff about him in an effort not just to scuttle his presidential campaign, but to destroy his life’s work and reputation as well.

(2015-04-06) — Sources say Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) on Tuesday will announce that Americans are officially free to lie about his record and his personal life as he seeks the presidency in 2016.

“Rand Paul will run as a defender of liberty,” said an unnamed supporter, “That means it’s time for Republicans, and all Americans, to exercise their natural, God-given, right to say stuff that just ain’t so, to post links on social media to news sites that are really just facades for opposition research, to spout unfounded rumors, to make reckless assumptions, to distribute out-of-context quotations and to mount anonymous vitriolic personal attacks on Rand Paul and his family.”

Paul associates said the freshman senator believes that the Founders of this country and the Framers of the Constitution gave their lives so that any citizen could be “flayed and eviscerated in the public square with false information and intentionally-deceptive innuendo in order to discourage decent, principled folks from pursuing public service.”

Sen. Paul would be the second Republican to officially declare his presidential candidacy, just two weeks after Sen. Ted Cruz announced that Cruz is “wrong for America.”

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

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Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”

 

 

 

Poll: Ted Cruz Badly Trails Imaginary Ideal Republican

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Ted Cruz trails ideal imaginary Republican candidate

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz takes news of the latest poll stoically, as he learns that he’s lagging the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by 37 points.

(2015-03-23) – – Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the first announced contender in the 2016 presidential race, already lags behind the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by what may prove to be an insurmountable margin.

The latest Politico-Purist poll shows Cruz trailing 37 points behind any single voter’s fictional aggregation of highly-desired traits and principles, just nine months before the start of GOP primary season.

The idiosyncratic ideal candidate, while non-existent, may yet play a spoiler role.

“No actual politician can measure up to the qualifications of any person’s dream candidate,” said an unnamed professor at Purist U., which conducted the poll. “In addition, no 2016 hopeful has yet arisen who’s so utterly devoid of personal baggage as the ideal is. Being a figment has its benefits.”

A spokesman for the Cruz campaign pointed out that while “the Purist poll results show we have a lot of work to do, Ted draws encouragement from the fact that Republicans have a long, reliable track record of failing to nominate the ideal candidate.”

 

 

Iran Agrees to Amend Official Curse: ‘Death to America’

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Iran Agrees to Amend 'Death to America' Curse to Goiters on America

(2015-03-24) — In what the State Department calls a “major breakthrough” in bilateral negotiations with Iran over nuclear weapons, the Islamic Republic has agreed to amend its official curse “Death to America,” softening it to “Goiters on America.”

“Obviously, President Obama’s investment in direct talks with Iranian leaders is paying dividends,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “While an enlarged thyroid gland can be painful, goiters are generally just inconvenient and unsightly. I’ve spoken with President Obama, and we can live with goiters.”

As recently as this week, the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei endorsed a chanting crowd’s call for “Death to America.”

“The Ayatollah still thinks the ideal curse is ‘Death to America,'” said a spokesman, “but he is not altogether unreasonable. He’s willing to moderate the curse for the term of the nuclear agreement, in exchange for the lifting of all sanctions.”

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

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Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”

 

Double-Dipper Rep. Schock Quits, Offers One Last Bill

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Rep. Aaron Schock, shamed into resigning

Rep. Aaron Schock today announced sponsorship of a bill to make Illinois prisons more comfortable for the former politicians who comprise a near majority of their inmates. In unrelated news, he resigned after revelations of corruption in his handling of taxpayer and campaign donor funds. 

(2015-03-17) — Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock announced his resignation today after revelations that he double-billed the taxpayers and his campaign donors for mileage on his Chevy Tahoe. But before leaving at the end of the month, Rep. Schock says he’ll introduce one last piece of legislation, expanding federal funding for minimum-security penitentiaries in Illinois.

Schock rejected allegations that self-interest motivated the bill, which would provide “more commodious accommodations for Illinois’ non-violent offenders, allowing them to live in the style to which they have become accustomed while devoted to public service.”

“This isn’t about me,” said the Republican lawmaker, who recently paid back $40,000 to the Treasury that he had used to decorate his Washington office in the style of the TV show Downton Abbey.

“There’s clearly a need for improvements to our state’s prisons,” Schock said. “Illinois has a long and storied tradition of politicians who leave public office to live in close quarters among the common the people. So, clearly, the demand is there.”

The Congressman cited former Illinois Governors Rod Blogojevich, George Ryan and Dan Walker,  as well as former Congressmen Dan Rostenkowski and Mel Reynolds, as part of a long list of “Illinois politicians proudly repaying their debts to society in the most humble way a public servant can serve. Time precludes listing them all here today.”

The conditions in minimum-security correctional facilities in Illinois, he said, are “lamentable and très gauche.”

“You can’t pack them in like sardines,” Schock said. “Their punishment shouldn’t be confinement in uncomfortable surroundings. It’s bad enough that their expense accounts get so drastically reduced.”

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) said he was, “of course, glad to see a Republican leave the chamber, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why he had to quit. The rest of us are still here.”

Hillary Clinton Plans Private Presidential Library

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Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library

Preliminary architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library include a courtesy entrance for security personnel and close Clinton associates, as well as a parking lot adequate to accommodate everyone who has a ClintonEmail.com address.

(2015-03-10) — In the wake of revelations that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private email server for State Department business, a source close to the presumptive 2016 Democratic nominee says Mrs. Clinton has plans for a private presidential library.

“She’s a very deliberate planner,” said the unnamed source, “and given the likelihood of her election as president, naturally she’s well into establishing the repository for her presidential documents.”

Architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library show a massive server farm in a hardened bunker, but no exterior doors for public access to the facility.

“Americans and international visitors will, of course, be welcome to tour the grounds and to gaze at the striking exterior of the Rodham Presidential Library,” the source said. “But only Mrs. Clinton and key associates will have access to the interior. Frankly, there’s nothing to see there anyway.”