Warren Mulls Starting Grassroots Call for Her to Run

Sen. Elizabeth Warren plans spontaneous grassroots presidential draft movement

With a new Democratic presidential preference poll showing Sen. Elizabeth Warren trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by just 313 percent, the former professor rehearses leading a crowd to the White House gate to spontaneously chant: “Run, Betsy, Run!”

(2018-10-16) — Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-MA, still recovering from the cheek swab that established her Native American ancestry, today hinted that she might actively consider whether to launch a grassroots effort aimed at recruiting her to run for President of the United States in 2020.

Insiders report “a real groundswell” of enthusiasm by Sen. Warren to move toward an answer to the question that’s on the lips of almost 50 percent of the U.S. Senators from Massachusetts.

“Should the tide of popular sentiment become too strong to resist,” Sen. Warren reportedly told her friend, “I may have no choice. And who better to take charge of that tide, than the woman who will inspire its spontaneous, unexpected, inexorable rise?”

The former college professor is said to be buoyed by news that the first CNN poll of the 2020 presidential race shows a full eight-percent of Democrats prefer Warren. She trails former Vice President Joe Biden by a mere 25-point whisker, or just 313 percent, according to mathematics.

Nevertheless, Warren said she’s “focused almost utterly, virtually completely and very nearly totally on my 2018 Senate reelection race, and on serving the people of Massachusetts in the Senate for the next six years, or two, whichever comes first.”

If she does involuntarily need to lead the grassroots call for her nomination, Warren said, “I’ll remain humble about it, but would, of course, submit to a movement led by the greatest feminist Progressive of our day. Who am I to stand in the way of a trailblazer like that?”

 

 

 

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Beto: Big Bucks to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

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Mormon Church Rebranding Leaves Satan ‘Saddened’

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, leads a massive rebranding of the organization, dumping the term ‘Mormon’. Next on his agenda, sources said, is a stage set redesign to make it ‘less reminiscent of the blazing netherworld’, along with better up-lighting ‘to bring out his boyish charm.’

(2018-10-08) — Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, this weekend called on the faithful to stop describing themselves as ‘Mormon‘ and their church as ‘LDS’ because using such nicknames hands a ‘victory to Satan,’ and ‘offends’ Jesus who ‘commanded’ the official 39-letter organizational name.

A spokesman for Satan said the Evil One is, “Obviously disappointed, and saddened by the rebranding decision.”

“The Dark Lord has struggled to make an impact, especially in the United States,” the unnamed minion said. “He’s worked hard to turn people away from the Bible and from trusting in Jesus as the one true Savior and God. He’s labored to convince them that their good deeds will outweigh the bad and make them acceptable to God. He just can’t seem to make any headway.”

“Just about the only victory Beelzebub has enjoyed in the past hundred years or so,” the spokesman said, “has been his success in tricking members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™ into calling themselves Mormons. Now even this small boast shall be taken from him.”

The source said Lucifer has been frustrated by the general holiness, righteousness and Christian faith which seem to have broken out everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C..

Indeed, it’s been a rough century for the Devil — what with all of the swords beaten into plowshares, and praise for the Prince of Peace resounding from every valley and hilltop.

Meanwhile, a source close to Jesus said, “The Lord is relieved to hear they’re going back to his original idea — which the focus groups loved — and he’s even texted President Nelson some catchy lyric ideas for the new jingle.”

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Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Hollywood celebrities took to Twitter after the swearing-in of Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, urging women to delay reporting sex crimes for the long-term good of the Democratic Party.

(2018-10-07) — Hollywood reacted aggressively this weekend to the swearing-in of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, by urging women to delay reporting acts of sexual violence in order to help Democrats win future elections.

“If there’s anything we’ve learned from the Kavanaugh circus,” said one unnamed iconic actor, “it’s that long-delayed, uncorroborated, sexual abuse allegations fire up the base. It’s a recipe for a Congressional Democratic majority. Early reporting might jeopardize that.”

Experts say that, while immediate reporting may result in punishment for the abuser and thus reduction in the number of additional victims, the highly-personal and localized nature of ordinary crime reporting can’t contribute to a broader social-justice narrative like a long-repressed incident, dramatically unveiled at the right moment.

“Justice delayed is injustice weaponized for electoral war,” said one anonymous actor who plays an attorney on a hit drama. “With the passage of time, facts and evidence become irrelevant, putting the entire focus where it belongs — on the seriousness of the charge, and empathy for the accuser, unclouded by forensics or witnesses. This is how Democrat dominance is forged.”

The celebrities took to Twitter to urge women not to go to police, parents, or employers while memory is fresh, but to wait for years, perhaps decades, to “allow the rage to ripen.”

“Immediate reporting may give you a quick energy boost, and even the temporary satisfaction of justice served,” said another celebrity, “but if you, instead, allow it to fester and rankle until it swells up and overflows in an outpouring of bitterness — well, that’s what really moves the pathos needle at the polls.”

The coalition of celebrities pleaded with victims, using hashtags like #ShutUpAndSimmer and #PipeDown4Pelosi.

“Your years of trauma have a purpose,” the Hollywood stars said in a joint Tweet. “Your story — decades from now — might secure abortion rights for a generation yet unborn. It’s #WorthTheWait so #ZipItChica”

The coalition said that delayed accusations also allow time to determine whether a youthful abuser grows up to be a federal judge, or a Hollywood celebrity. This can help a victim determine whether to publicly accuse, or “to quietly take the settlement money so she can continue to work in this town.”

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Moderation: Ginsburg Volunteers to be ‘Swing Vote’

Ruth Bader Ginsburg agrees to become swing vote on court

Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, for the sake of crucial comity, has reportedly agreed to become the swing vote on the Supreme Court, to compensate for the loss of retired Justice Anthony Kennedy.

(2018-10-06) — With conservative Judge Brett Kavanagh all but assured confirmation to the Supreme Court early Saturday, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has reportedly agreed to become the ‘swing vote‘, replacing the retired Anthony Kennedy in that role.

“No one has lamented the loss of Kennedy’s swing vote more than the Left,” according to an unnamed veteran court watcher. “It would be hypocrisy to suggest that a Republican president is obligated to nominate a moderate. So, to show that she is above the political fray, Justice Ginsberg has agreed to set her own biases aside, and serve in that middle-of-the-road role.”

Friends of Ginsburg say that the Progressive jurist may find the new job challenging, but she knows that the court is “nothing if not a political entity,” so it must represent the full range of partisan ideology.

“If Ruth believed that the Court’s main job were merely to interpret the law with regard to the Constitution, there would be no need for a reliable swing vote,” the source said. “The text of the Constitution would suffice. History will smile on Ruth Ginsburg for her self-sacrificial moderation.”

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As Kavanaugh Show Ends, Netflix May Pick It Up

Netflix may pick up Kavanaugh show for 3 more seasons | ScrappleFace.com

Industry insiders see Netflix as the natural home for the Kavanaugh series after its first production run ends this weekend.

(2018-10-05) — With the Senate confirmation process for Judge Brett Kavanaugh coming to a close this weekend, industry insiders say Netflix plans to pick up the series for at least three more seasons.

“The Kavanaugh hearings have been ratings gold,” said an unnamed industry insider, who requested anonymity to disguise the source of the trial balloon. “The story shouldn’t end here. These characters have more secrets, more innuendo, more betrayal, more heartache. America needs to know what happens next.”

Indeed, person-on-the-street interviews confirm that the Kavanaughs, along with Christine Blasey Ford and the friends who deny having seen her at crucial moments, have become household names, and almost part of the family in many American homes.

If Netflix does pick up the legal drama, expect lucrative product placement deals from Anheuser-Busch, and distributors of ginkgo-biloba, a supplement said to enhance memory.

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Flake Relieved to Do the Right Thing After 17 Years

(2018-10-01) — Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, who single-handedly forced an FBI probe into whether Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually molested Christine Blasey Ford, told CNN Sunday that it feels great to finally vote his conscience after 17 years of public service in the U.S. House and Senate, because he’s retiring.

“For years I’ve told voters I would go to Washington and make tough decisions to do the right thing,” Sen. Flake said. “Now, for the first time in 17 years, I can proudly say ‘Promise kept!'”

Sen. Flake told CNN there’s “not a chance” he would have held out for the FBI investigation if he were facing reelection, because there’s “no incentive” to reach across the aisle.

“For years I have done what the voters wanted, rather than what’s right,” Flake said. “I feel like a new man. I don’t need to please anyone anymore…other than the private sector company that will soon pay me seven-figures as a consultant.”

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Blacked-Out Kavanaugh Still Hazy on Senate Hearing

(2018-09-30) — President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh privately told associates that his recollection of the past two weeks’ Senate Judiciary Committee hearings was “so hazy and weird that I must have been black-out drunk.”

“It was a like a bad dream,” Kavanaugh said, according to an unnamed associate. “I think somebody put something in my water. All I can remember is these creepy heads staring at me, asking me to tell them about things that didn’t happen. For long periods, I just spaced, and can’t remember hearing anything as they droned on.”

Although Kavanaugh told the committee he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, he later told friends that he has this “lingering absurd vision that I was accused of binge-drinking and sexual misconduct by Democrats.”

His friends said the judge believes that must be a false memory, because he can’t imagine Democrats would sink to such hypocrisy, for fear of raising questions about their own historic advocacy of loose morality.

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Democrat Senators: Sorry to Those ‘We Surely Molested’

(2018-09-29) — In a joint statement today, the Democratic men of the U.S. Senate apologized to ‘all of those we surely molested during the past several decades, though we’re not aware of having done so.’

Co-signed by all male members of the Democratic caucus, including Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, the statement accepted “full responsibility for our disgusting acts that violated the trust of women in our lives. As a matter of principle, we believe the women.”

One unnamed Democratic senator said the Judiciary Committee hearing, where Christine Blasey Ford testified against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, proved that most women tell no one after suffering sexual assault or rape, and that huge numbers of women have experienced these traumatic incidents.

“Statistically speaking,” the Senator said, “each us has undoubtedly done it, probably multiple times, because we have not been accused.”

The members said they especially want to apologize “to women who will someday claim we committed such egregious acts — which we will, at that time — deny.”

“We can hardly imagine the shame and pain we will heap upon them when they publicly accuse us,” they said. “So we want to say, in advance, ‘We’re sorry that we won’t believe you. That’s not right.'”

Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA, praised her male caucus members for their willingness to be so honest about “things that must certainly have happened, but which wouldn’t hold up in court.”

“We Democrats are always for justice in the abstract, if not in particular cases,” said Feinstein, “unless, of course, it involves someone from the other party. In which case the abstract suddenly becomes concrete, as it should.”

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Beto Committed: 6-Years-to-Life in Senate

(2018-09-27) — U.S. Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said he’ll serve at least six years in a federal facility that houses the U.S. Senate, maybe longer, with only occasional “time off for good behavior.”

The Democratic challenger to Sen. Ted Cruz, R-TX, used the pledge to needle his GOP opponent, implying Cruz dodges the question to keep his presidential options open.

“In one sentence: I’m committed to serving my full term,” O’Rourke said. “Departing early to run for higher office would be like leaving the scene of an accident. I could never do that ”

Rep. O’Rourke said Washington D.C. can make some men ‘intoxicated with power and craving more.’

“It’s my clear-eyed, sober, assessment that being a Senator is a staggering responsibility,” said O’Rourke. “Once you choose that road, you can’t just veer off in another direction without risk of hurting people.”

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