Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

Share Button
Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

Rep. Boehner Retires to Spend More Time with Money

Share Button
Pope Francis with House Speaker John Boehner

House Speaker John Boehner, listens to Pope Francis this week while wiping his nose due to a persistent cassock allergy. Boehner will reportedly resign to “be there for” his money.

(2015-09-25) — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will reportedly resign at the end of October to spend more time with his money.

Sources close to the Republican leader said the hectic schedule of a House Speaker has made Boehner and his money feel like they’re “two ships that pass in the night,” without enough time to “linger together and nurture each other, go fishing.”

“Speaker Boehner has certainly been surrounded by other people’s money, coming and going, but it’s not the same,” an unnamed Congressional aide said. “Sometimes a man needs to say ‘Stop the world, I want to get off,’ and just hold my money, and caress it, and let the bond grow.”

For years, the source said, “money has been there for Boehner, and now he wants to be there for money.”

Boehner reportedly made the decision to resign after listening to Pope Francis speaking to a joint session of Congress about the moral hazards of capitalism. The Congressman identified with the poor and oppressed who feel locked out of the lucrative opportunities enjoyed by the wealthy few “just on the other side of that revolving door.”

“The Pope — with his gold city, global travel and obsequious servants — reminded Speaker Boehner how important it is to care for the least among us,” the source said, “and standing next to the Supreme Pontiff, he couldn’t help but feel like one of them, and believe that there must be more to this life than just spending other people’s money.”


Obama Checks Alaska Off Bucket List, Oval Office Next

Share Button
Obama looks at Alaska glacier

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”

(2015-09-02) — As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”


Pressured Democrats Drop Use of All ‘Racist’ Currency

Share Button
Democrats forbid use of racist U.S. currency

Just some of the legal tender U.S. currency which the Democratic National Committee says its members will no longer use, in hopes of “purging our despicable history.”

(2015-07-23) — The Democratic National Committee today announced that it, and its members, would stop using most United States currency, and destroy their current stockpiles, as a way of rejecting “the barbaric, racist, genocidal and capitalistic values” of the men whose faces appear on U.S. bills and coins.

The move comes in the wake of the Charleston, SC, church shooting that led to nationwide protests against, and bans of, the Confederate flag, as well as vandalization of many Confederate war memorials. This week, North Carolina Democrats, under pressure from the NAACP, dropped the presidential names from their annual Jefferson-Jackson dinner, to erase the legacy of slavery and genocide.

“The nickel, quarter, dollar bill and two-dollar bill will no longer circulate among Democrats because George Washington and Thomas Jefferson owned slaves,” said DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “The DNC has also decided to purge the $20 bill because of what Andrew Jackson did to Native Americans. The $10 note, likewise, is forbidden for party members, because Alexander Hamilton signed the Constitution, which perpetuated slavery.”

Wassermann Schultz called on all Democrats to pay for goods and services using only the FDR dime, or the dollar coins bearing the images of Susan B. Anthony or Sacagawea.

Fifties, fives and pennies are still under a longstanding DNC ban because Ulysses S. Grant and Abe Lincoln were both Republicans.

However, the Democrats grant specific exemptions for use of the $100 bill by rap stars and Hollywood entertainment industry figures, because “the Benjamins have become essential to those culturally-valuable lifestyles.”

For all other Democrats, the C-Note is verboten “because Ben Franklin was a shameless capitalist whose rags-to-riches story gives a false impression to children about the power of free markets, and the value of hard work,” she said.

Outraged Pope Decrees Equal Pay for Female Pontiffs

Share Button
Pope Francis

Pope Francis reacted with shock recently upon learning the Vatican wage scale pays female Popes just 72-cents on the dollar compared to Pontiffs who happen to be male.

(2015-04-29) — Pope Francis today demanded an end to the wage gap that forces women to do equal work for less pay, which he called “pure scandal.”

To set an example of leadership, he immediately attacked the injustice with an edict requiring the Vatican to pay all female Pontiffs exactly what their male counterparts earn.

“They have the same rights,” Francis declared. “A Holy Father who is a woman does just as much work as one who happens to be a man. From now on, her paycheck will reflect that equality of burden.”

The Pope did not consult with the College of Cardinals before issuing the equal-pay Papal Bull because, in his words, he “knew the guys wouldn’t mind, so long as it doesn’t discriminate against men.”

The next female Bishoprice of Rome will still get full pre-natal care, obstetrical and gynecological services and paid maternity leave as part of her benefits, but more importantly, her salary and bonus package will match that of her male predecessors, adjusted for inflation.

A Vatican spokesman said a Vicarette of Christ will still have to wear the large shapeless pontifical garment, “but that’s a universal requirement, regardless of sex, and most elderly women don’t mind.”




Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

Share Button
Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Rand Paul to Officially Declare Liberty to Lie About Him

Share Button
Rand Paul to declare to for president.

Sen. Rand Paul, shown here counting down the days before Republicans, and the general public, can fully enjoy their God-given liberty to make up stuff about him in an effort not just to scuttle his presidential campaign, but to destroy his life’s work and reputation as well.

(2015-04-06) — Sources say Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) on Tuesday will announce that Americans are officially free to lie about his record and his personal life as he seeks the presidency in 2016.

“Rand Paul will run as a defender of liberty,” said an unnamed supporter, “That means it’s time for Republicans, and all Americans, to exercise their natural, God-given, right to say stuff that just ain’t so, to post links on social media to news sites that are really just facades for opposition research, to spout unfounded rumors, to make reckless assumptions, to distribute out-of-context quotations and to mount anonymous vitriolic personal attacks on Rand Paul and his family.”

Paul associates said the freshman senator believes that the Founders of this country and the Framers of the Constitution gave their lives so that any citizen could be “flayed and eviscerated in the public square with false information and intentionally-deceptive innuendo in order to discourage decent, principled folks from pursuing public service.”

Sen. Paul would be the second Republican to officially declare his presidential candidacy, just two weeks after Sen. Ted Cruz announced that Cruz is “wrong for America.”

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

Share Button
Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”




Poll: Ted Cruz Badly Trails Imaginary Ideal Republican

Share Button
Ted Cruz trails ideal imaginary Republican candidate

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz takes news of the latest poll stoically, as he learns that he’s lagging the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by 37 points.

(2015-03-23) – – Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the first announced contender in the 2016 presidential race, already lags behind the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by what may prove to be an insurmountable margin.

The latest Politico-Purist poll shows Cruz trailing 37 points behind any single voter’s fictional aggregation of highly-desired traits and principles, just nine months before the start of GOP primary season.

The idiosyncratic ideal candidate, while non-existent, may yet play a spoiler role.

“No actual politician can measure up to the qualifications of any person’s dream candidate,” said an unnamed professor at Purist U., which conducted the poll. “In addition, no 2016 hopeful has yet arisen who’s so utterly devoid of personal baggage as the ideal is. Being a figment has its benefits.”

A spokesman for the Cruz campaign pointed out that while “the Purist poll results show we have a lot of work to do, Ted draws encouragement from the fact that Republicans have a long, reliable track record of failing to nominate the ideal candidate.”



Iran Agrees to Amend Official Curse: ‘Death to America’

Share Button

Iran Agrees to Amend 'Death to America' Curse to Goiters on America

(2015-03-24) — In what the State Department calls a “major breakthrough” in bilateral negotiations with Iran over nuclear weapons, the Islamic Republic has agreed to amend its official curse “Death to America,” softening it to “Goiters on America.”

“Obviously, President Obama’s investment in direct talks with Iranian leaders is paying dividends,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “While an enlarged thyroid gland can be painful, goiters are generally just inconvenient and unsightly. I’ve spoken with President Obama, and we can live with goiters.”

As recently as this week, the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei endorsed a chanting crowd’s call for “Death to America.”

“The Ayatollah still thinks the ideal curse is ‘Death to America,'” said a spokesman, “but he is not altogether unreasonable. He’s willing to moderate the curse for the term of the nuclear agreement, in exchange for the lifting of all sanctions.”