(2008-07-22) — Just days after The New York Times declined to publish an Op-Ed piece by Republican presidential nominee John McCain, Reader’s Digest has rejected a Barack Obama submission to its Humor in Uniform section.

While staffers refused to divulge the content of Sen. Obama’s “light-hearted military anecdote” a Reader’s Digest editor sent a rejection slip suggesting a “different approach.”

“Humor in Uniform items typically reflect a love and respect for our nation’s fighting forces, and support for the job they do,” the editor wrote to Sen. Obama. “And as you might guess from the section title, these items also tend to be funny. We would be happy to consider future submissions which fit this description.”

Sen. Obama refused to take questions about the incident, saying only, “There are easier ways to get $300.”

(2008-07-20) — Republican presidential nominee John McCain today for the first time said he can now support a timeline to reduce the American presence in Iraq, specifically advocating the withdrawal from Iraq of Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama, and several battalions of U.S. news anchors and reporters.

“It’s time to bring them home,” said Sen. McCain at a news conference attended by a journalism intern from the Des Moines Register. “The surge has worked, and it’s time to redeploy.”

Sen. McCain said bringing Sen. Obama home would help to ensure that “people in the U.S., who desperately need media attention, will get the help they deserve.”

“Our mainstream media forces are stretched too thin,” he said. “If news should break here in the homeland, who’s going to cover it? We’re vulnerable.”

(2008-07-19) — With presumptive President of the United States Barack Obama out of the country, Republican Sen. John McCain, of Arizona, today announced that he intends to challenge Sen. Obama in November’s general election.

Although experts agree that the Democrat nominee has the presidency all but locked up, Sen. McCain told several dozen cheering supporters that he’s “in it to win.”

“My friends, this is not just a vanity campaign to position myself for a sweeter advance payment from some book publisher,” said Sen. McCain. “I actually intend to be sitting in the Oval Office this time next year.”

None of the major TV networks covered the McCain announcement, however, since all of their anchors and reporters were in Afghanistan following the Obama campaign.

Mr. McCain, best known among Republicans for taking principled stands against Republicans, said he would take advantage of his rival’s absence to make speeches distancing himself from President George W. Bush.

(2008-07-14) — The Bush administration’s plan to use the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Treasury to save two mismanaged quasi-governmental mortgage companies has already revived confidence in the U.S. free enterprise system both at home and abroad.

“This just proves that American capitalism works,” said an unnamed analyst from Bear Stearns. “The self-correcting mechanism of free markets still happens as if guided by an invisible hand. This week we caught another glimpse at that hand. Too bad Adam Smith wasn’t alive to see it.”

Around the globe, investor faith in the U.S. economy was buoyed by the news that the federal government had stepped in to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two firms which either hold, or back, about half of the mortgages in the United States.

“The true measure of strength is one’s willingness to seek help in time of need,” said one investor. “When Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae came crawling to the U.S. taxpayer to bail them out, their executives boldly showed that they’re not afraid to be vulnerable.”

Confidence also swelled because the two mortgage giants will get rescued using OPM — other people’s money — another signal to investors of the stability and integrity of these firms.

President George Bush, speaking to a group of skittish fiscal conservatives today at a gathering sponsored by The Club for Growth, said the rescue plan made sense.

“Fannie Mae is not some faceless bureaucracy,” said President Bush. “It’s an American institution. It’s personal. So when we use taxpayer dollars to keep it from going under, we’re not trying to save some mortgage company out there, my fellow Republicans, we’re trying to save your Fannie and mine.”

(2008-07-12) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his nation’s missile tests this week are part of a previously-secret plan to “Photoshop Israel from the map.”

Images of the missile tests showed apparently-real, as well as computer-generated duplicates of Shahab missiles, which Iran claims have a range of up to 1,250 miles — long enough to strike Israel — a claim which has since been questioned by Western arms experts.

Mr. Ahmadinejad said that while it may take years to produce actual weapons that could strike “the Zionist state”, Iranian scientists and graphic artists have already demonstrated the ability, using Adobe® technology to “completely obliterate” Israel from the map.

“We can do it at a moments notice,” he said, “Even now I have my finger on the button of a device that can make the borders and all the cities of Israel vanish in seconds.”

(2008-07-10) — Democrat presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama today faulted the “weakness of the Bush administration” for Iran’s recent long-range missile testing, and said when he sits in the Oval Office “Iran will know that we mean talk.”

The Illinois senator said he would engage Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in face-to-face negotiations offering “carrots as well as sticks,” meaning that he would “reward Iranian goodwill gestures with stirring laudatory speeches, and punish Iran’s violations of U.N. resolutions with bold rhetorical rebukes.”

“We know that President Ahmadinejad wants to see Israel wiped off the face of the map,” said Sen. Obama, “Of course, the first step in negotiating is to determine what the other party wants that you might be able to provide”

“Iran needs to know that our words mean something,” he said. “During the Obama administration, our words will mean that we are saying things by combining those words into sentences to express ideas about how we feel, using dramatic phrases and dynamic cadences. Iran must never question our resolve to deliver…speeches.”

While the Bush administration has tried to get allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program, Sen. Obama said he would bring change to American foreign policy by trying to get U.S. allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program.

“It’s a lot different than the Bush approach,” he said, “because in my strategy, there is no Bush.”

(2008-07-03) — A consortium of progressive radio broadcasters, including Air America and NPR, today announced that a blockbuster eight-year, $500 million contract, topping Rush Limbaugh’s new deal with Clear Channel and Premiere Radio, has been negotiated with a liberal talk show host yet to be named.

“The era of conservative radio domination is over,” said an anonymous spokesman for the consortium, “Rush Limbaugh is the last of a dying breed, and with Barack Obama in the White House, Americans are ready and eager for a new talk king, or queen, with a liberal perspective.”

The half-billi