Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

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Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

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bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals–and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

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(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

Robert Redford to Play Dan Rather in Talking Picture

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(2014-07-10) — Robert Redford will reportedly portray Dan Rather on the silver screen in the upcoming talkie called ‘Truth’, according to sources in Hollywood.

A talkie is a motion picture with a synchronized soundtrack so that the audience in the cinema can actually hear the actors’ words, rather than reading them from cards.

Robert Redford to play Dan Rather

Dashing Robert Redford will play doggedly determined Dan Rather in the new Hollywood talkie, ‘Truth.’

American teens will doubtless thrill at the opportunity to see the boyishly handsome Mr. Redford as the passionate reporter, so committed to ‘Truth’ that he’s willing to use forged documents to get at it.

The story recalls Mr. Rather’s efforts to faithfully cover George W. Bush’s presidential reelection campaign by showing that Bush’s Vietnam-era National Guard service kept him stateside, out of harm’s way, thanks to the influence of his powerful father, George H.W. Bush.

Rather’s dogged pursuit of truth led him, ultimately, away from his 24-year career as anchor of the CBS Evening News, after some young men in pajamas, sequestered in their mothers’ basements, challenged the authenticity of the documents. Rather still contends that, Nobody has proved that they were fraudulent, much less a forgery. … The truth of this story stands up to this day.”

Of course, history — in the form of this new Robert Redford film — will vindicate Rather’s assessment that they were  “fake but accurate.” The only question that remains is whether today’s audiences will be able to “suspend disbelief” long enough to believe that people actually used to watch programs like the CBS Evening News while sitting in front of a television set.

Pelosi: Abortion Could Prevent Border Refugee Crisis

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(2014-06-30) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, during a visit to a Texas holding facility for immigrant children — among the 52,000 who have flooded across the U.S. southern border illegally since October – told reporters, “It’s a shame that all of these beautiful boys and girls couldn’t have been spared this hardship through timely abortions at reasonable prices.”

Nancy Pelosi

If not for previous elective surgery, Rep. Nancy Pelosi  said she would have blinked back tears upon seeing immigrant children from Central America in a Border Patrol holding facility in Brownsville, Texas. Pelosi got emotional “as a grandmother and a Catholic” when she considered that “these refugees could have been prevented through timely abortions.”

“This is a humanitarian crisis that was entirely avoidable through parental choice,” Pelosi said. “We have a moral responsibility to address this in a dignified way, and for Democrats, that means going upstream to prevent this river of refugees by cutting off the source.”

The House Minority Leader said her “heart goes out” to all of the parents, back in their home countries, whose “hope for their children’s future is tainted by the knowledge that the devastating choice of sending them unaccompanied across the border could have been prevented if only they could have aborted that mass of cells in the first place.”

An unnamed Pelosi aide said she would introduce legislation in the coming days that would allow undocumented pregnant immigrants, without regard to gender, to have free abortions in the U.S., and then to apply for legal status using the aborted child as a “sponsor.” The so-called “Anchor Fetus Act” already has enough votes to pass the Senate.

 

Former IRS Boss Used Snapchat for Official Business

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Lerner Snapchat

Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s use of Snapchat for work-related messages was discovered when this screen capture was lifted from the iPhone of a Democrat lawmaker during a Congressional hearing about IRS targeting of Tea Party groups.

(2014-06-26) — Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s communications with the Obama White House, and others related the the Tea Party targeting scandal, can never be retrieved, unnamed sources now admit, because she used the ephemeral social messaging app, Snapchat, for all of her work messages.

The Snapchat app on Lerner’s iPhone allowed her to send photo and text messages that vanish from the receiver’s device within 10 seconds or less, thereby leaving no information trail for Congressional investigators to follow.

The IRS admits that Ms. Lerner “didn’t follow the law” regarding official communications, but that “she didn’t break it either, since there’s no specific mention of Snapchat in the statutes or regs.”

Lerner’s attorney said his client will not make her own camera roll available for Congressional inspection, since it may contain “cat-related screen captures of a personal nature,” unrelated to the allegations in question.

 

 

Panel Concludes Drone Strikes “Freakin’ Awesome”

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(2014-06-26) — A long-awaited report by a nonpartisan Washington think tank on the use and legality of drone strikes by the United States against terrorist targets has concluded that the practice is “freakin’ awesome,” although it’s a “slippery slope” that could lead to “perpetual war” conducted in secret with no presidential accountability.

Predator drone pilots

A report from the nonpartisan Stimson Center on Predator Drone usage concludes that serious legal questions remain unanswered, “but squeezing off Hellfire missiles on terrorist targets 5,000 miles away — well, YOLO.”

“It was like the greatest video game ever,” according to the report from the Stimson Center, whose investigation included site visits to operational outposts to observe pilots maneuvering Predator Drones remotely over targets, from thousands of miles away.

“You’ve got all these high-def screens, and super-sensitive controls,” the report documented. “It’s like you’re really in a war, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re not. And you only need to touch the trigger and the earth explodes all around the bad guy. I mean that terrorist is pwned! It’s incredibly realistic.”

President Obama, upon hearing these excerpts of the report, said, “I know. Right?”

GOP: Obama Tanks Economy to Distract from Scandals

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(2014-06-25) — Just hours after the Commerce Department revised economic growth figures for the first quarter of 2014 dramatically downward, a spokesman for Republicans in Congress said President Obama is “tanking the economy to distract from Benghazi, IRS, NSA and other scandals which threaten to bring down his presidency.”

Unemployment line

Republicans released this picture of Americans lining up to learn more about Obama administration scandals involving Benghazi, the IRS, the VA, the NSA and Obamacare.

The U.S. economy reportedly shrank 2.9 percent from January to March this year, according to the new numbers from Commerce, but a GOP lawmaker immediately questioned the reliability of the data.

“I’ll believe the economy is in its worst shape in five years when I see the original emails from the Commerce Secretary to the president,” the unnamed Republican lawmaker said. “Now, the left-wing media will be chattering about the pathetic, moribund economy instead of what we Republicans have been talking about for several years. The timing of this is just a little too convenient, if you ask me.”

The unnamed lawmaker emphasized that he’s not a “conspiracy nut.”

However, he added, “Why do you think they released this horrible economic news in the midst of public uproar about the V.A. scandal, the IRS losing emails and Obamacare — not to mention the president being caught on camera reaching over the sneeze shield at Chipotle?”

A White House spokesman rejected the allegations, noting that, “The president learned about the lousy economy on the news, just like most Americans — or at least like the ones who didn’t already know about it because of losing a job, or losing their insurance, or having their adult son run up from the basement to tell them what he just saw on Twitter.”

High Court: Cops Can’t Search Cellphone, Must Ask NSA

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(2014-06-25) — In a rare unanimous ruling on a civil rights issue, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that it’s unconstitutional for local police to search the contents of your cellphone.

The Court declared that if local law enforcement wants to access that data, they’ll have to ask the National Security Agency (NSA) to provide it.

Smartphone

The threat of local police doing warrantless searches on cellphones has spurred sales of the Samsung Tabula Rasa, the first smartphone that neither stores nor displays user-generated content.

“The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the people to be secure in their persons and property from unreasonable searches and seizures,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts on behalf of the Court. “Allowing Barney Fife to poke around your Pinterest violates the letter and the spirit of the Constitution.”

The Chief Justice noted that the practice is not only unconstitutional, but unnecessary, since the NSA already has all of that data and more, stored in its secret server farms.

“Why should the local district attorney waste resources hacking a phone,” Roberts wrote, “when the NSA could simply send him the zip file?”

 

 

Viral Story Hoax: Obama Not Kicked Out of KFC

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(2014-06-24) — Despite a widely-circulated story to the contrary, President Barack Obama was not asked to leave a KFC restaurant due to “hideously ugly” executive actions he has taken recently.

Obama at Chipotle

The White House said there’s no truth to the rumor, started by a KFC employee, that the president was ejected from a D.C. Chipotle for violating hygiene rules with this reach over the sneeze shield.

“We did not ask the president to vacate the premises,” the KFC night manager said. “We serve anyone here, and never discriminate on the basis of repugnant policies, or the unconstitutional methods through which they might be implemented.”

The KFC official added that they could “neither confirm nor deny that Obama had dined at this location.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Chipotle,” she said. “I heard they kicked Obama out of there when he reached over the sneeze shield and contaminated a whole batch of refried beans.”

President Obama offered no comment on the Chipotle controversy, noting that he “just heard about it on the news, like most Americans.”