Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

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(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

TV Shouting Match Proves Other Side Wrong

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(2018-07-20) — A televised verbal clash between rival partisans this week proved conclusively that the other side is wrong, perhaps mentally-ill, and utterly lacking in moral judgment.

The argument between talkshow guests broke out just 11 seconds into an in-depth three-minute, seven-person, panel discussion on foreign policy, executive authority, climate change, and Constitutional law. It quickly escalated to high-volume personal insults that definitively established the misjudgement and malevolence of those who hold the rival viewpoint.

“He really owned that idiot,” said an unnamed associate of the winning guest. “It was embarrassing to watch that guy just crumble in the face of the truth. I’d feel sorry for him, you know, if he weren’t hell-bent on destroying our way of life.”

The latest debate victory extends the unbroken streak of triumphs over the opposing ideology that started at the dawn of time, conclusively confirming that viewers need not listen to, ask questions about, or try to understand, alternative ideas.

Trump Clarifies Russia Quip, 2015 Announcement

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(2018-07-19) — In the wake of bipartisan backlash over his performance at a news conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin this week, President Donald Trump clarified one remark, and may soon walk back two earlier statements, sources said.

Trump told reporters that at the Helsinki summit he had meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia that meddled in the 2016 U.S. elections, rather than “any reason why it would be.”

In addition, unnamed White House aides said the president will soon clarify two statements he made at his June 2015 presidential campaign announcement at Trump Tower, when he appeared to say:

1) “I would repeal and replace the big lie, Obamacare.”

2) “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

In the spirit of bipartisanship, former President Barack Obama is reportedly mulling his own clarifications of statements he made that seemed to say Americans would be able to keep their doctors, and that Obamacare would “bend the cost curve down“.

A spokesman for the National Archives said if this presidential clarifications trend continues, they’ll need to construct a new wing on the complex, “roughly the size of New Hampshire.”

New Evidence Indicates You Were Right All Along

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(2018-07-18) — Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

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(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

Trump Dumps on May Way to Brexit, Wrecks It

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President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger diplomatic Armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

(2018-07-13) — After years of campaigning, a public referendum, and thousands hours of deliberations and negotiations over the U.K. exit from the European Union — known as Brexit — sources said U.S. President Donald Trump ruined everything yesterday.

According to deeply-concerned diplomats, Trump’s revelation to a British tabloid that Prime Minister Theresa May ignored his advice will likely scuttle Brexit, tank global financial markets, bring down the May government, dethrone Queen Elizabeth II, shutter pubs throughout the Commonwealth, and recapitulate the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering World War I and the inevitable rise to power of Adolf Hitler, thus threatening to undo the highly-successful foreign policy legacy of former President Barack Obama.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” said one diplomat who requested anonymity to avoid responsibility. “Trump’s remarks are literally the most catastrophic thing to ever happen to Britain and to all of Europe, without exception.”

Experts also agreed that U.S. First Lady Melania Trump looked stunning in a flowing, yellow, off-the-shoulder gown from J. Mendel, but only because President Trump didn’t say anything about it.

Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

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(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.

NATO Rejects ‘Obsolete’ Label in Telegram to Trump

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(2018-07-11) — The head of the NATO virgorously rejected U.S. President Donald Trump’s suggestion that the 69-year-old defense alliance is “obsolete.” The fiery reaction came in a terse telegram to Trump, received at the East Portico of the White House from a mounted courier late yesterday.

“NATO NOT OBSOLETE STOP YOUR REMARKS OF THE 10TH INSTANT NOT HELPFUL STOP WE DEMAND SATISFACTION STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT J.S.,” said the telegram from NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, eldest son of Thorvald Stoltenberg, of the Oslo Stoltenbergs.

As the blistering telegram message crackled through the trans-Atlantic cable, Mr. Stoltenberg also dispatched his personal emissary aboard a Norwegian schooner. A crowd of courtiers saw him off with well-wishes, tearfully waving handkerchiefs.

Given favorable winds, the diplomat should dock at the port of Philadelphia before year’s end, then take a carriage to the White House to demand parley with the American leader.

Should Mr. Trump fail to issue an apology, the code of honor demands he face Stoltenberg in a wooded glen to settle the matter with sabres.

Schumer to Stall Trump Pick Until GOP Sweep

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(2018-07-10) — Senate Democrats said they’ll stall confirmation of President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kanavanaugh, until Republicans capture a filibuster-proof majority in the November elections.

“Judge Kavanaugh, a great scholar whose respect for the law and the Constitution, and whose clear writing, have earned him praise across the political spectrum, is, nevertheless Trump’s nominee,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, D-NY. “He must therefore be opposed until the last swing-state Democrat loses.”

Schumer said his party is committed to the unfinished work of Hillary Clinton, who lost to Trump despite the clear choice the two offered on the abortion issue.

“America has spoken,” said Schumer, “but America was wrong. Our plan is to offer America the 2016 choice again this fall, but this time with the economy growing, unemployment — especially among minorities — at historic lows, and taxes on the decline.”

“If that doesn’t work,” he added, “then we’ll keep the Hillary hope alive until the end of Trump’s second term.”

Strawless Starbucks To Offer Cupless ‘Direct Pour’

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(2018-07-09) — Just days after announcing it would drop plastic straws to save the oceans, Starbucks today introduced the option to have your hot beverage dispensed without a cup.

The new Earth-friendly ‘Direct Pour’ service is expected to increase sales by winning over people who have avoided Starbucks as a way to protect the planet from human refuse.

“It’s a natural evolution,” said a unnamed barista at the Pike Place Starbucks in Seattle. “Instead of generating more garbage, the customer simply tilts her head back, opens wide, and receives 12-to-36 ounces of piping hot java directly from the carafe.”

Any flavored additives would follow immediately, and the barista will even create a heart design with the cream at customer request.