Obama Proud of NBA Player Coming Out as Brony

May 1st, 2013 Scott Ott
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Obama praises Brony basketball proPresident Obama preemptively praised an unnamed NBA player as a “civil rights trailblazer” when he learned the pro athlete will soon ‘come out’ as a Brony.”

President Obama said he’s proud of an as-yet-unnamed NBA free agent slated to “come out” later this week as a Brony. The mystery basketball pro has reportedly led a secret life as a devotee of the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” animated series, and until now was unwilling to admit “who I really am” to his teammates.

Upon learning of the imminent revelation, the president phoned the Brony-ballplayer to praise him in advance as a “civil rights trailblazer,” and to tell him that his openness about his true identity will “surely pave the way for other prominent public figures to come out of the shadows.”

The White House, however, denied rumors that the president himself is a closeted Brony, but cautioned that the denial doesn’t imply that anything would be wrong if he were.

The player, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the president’s personal involvement overwhelms him, and makes his pending announcement seem much more significant — or in his words, “bigger than Benghazi.”

The NBA and the players’ union immediately unveiled a program designed “to ease the transition for Brony players, and to create an atmosphere of tolerance, acceptance, and recognition of the outstanding achievements that closeted Bronies have made to the game for years.”

New Cabinet Pick Solidifies Obama as Diversity Champ

April 29th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Obama embraces diversityPresident Obama embraced diversity as far back as last August when he hugged Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx, who he has now nominated as Transportation Secretary.”

At Saturday night’s White House Correspondents’ dinner, Conan O’Brien joked that President Obama’s hair is now “whiter than his Cabinet,” but today’s announcement that Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx is Obama’s pick for Transportation Secretary made that joke fall flat.

The White House noted that the president’s choice to replace outgoing Secretary Ray LaHood, is a Black man, whereas LaHood is White. The administration noted that Foxx spoke at the Democrat National Convention “as an African-American.”

The Republican National Convention immediately tweeted: “What’s up with Obama’s #WarOnBlackMayors? Another one bites the dust.”

But the White House said critiques of the president’s record on race are unfair.

“The fact that Mayor Foxx is only the first black appointee of the second Obama administration doesn’t overshadow the president’s longstanding commitment to diversity,” said spokesman Jay Carney, who is White. “The president has no bias against African-Americans. In fact, some of the president’s best friends are Black.”

Obamacare to Cover Train Wrecks, White House Says

April 18th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Sen. Max Baucus warns about Obamacare Train WreckSen. Max Baucus told the HHS Secretary Wednesday he thinks Obamacare implementation is “a huge train wreck.” The White House released a statement noting that Sen. Baucus “looks just like late night TV star David Letterman.”

After Montana Democrat Sen. Max Baucus Wednesday told the Health and Human Services Secretary that Obamacare implementation looks like “a huge train wreck” the White House released a statement noting that “train wrecks would be covered under the Affordable Care Act, including preexisting train wrecks, like Medicaid.”

Sen. Baucus should not be alarmed at the chaos and confusion surrounding the startup of state-based health care exchanges and the expansion of Medicaid, slated to begin October 1, the White House said.

“Not only will train wrecks be covered,” according to the Obama administration, “but also injuries caused by clown cars and goat rodeos. So, the senator has nothing to worry about. The federal government has a long track record of consistent performance in delivering personal services in a way that most people have come to expect from government.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney added, “As the president has said, under Obamacare, you can keep your own deficit and it won’t add a dime to your doctor.”

Boston to Terrorists: We Surrender

April 17th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Vacant city street awaits parade of terrorist conquerorsDowntown Boston remains desolate as mayor announces surrender to unnamed terrorists.

The City of Boston today agreed to surrender to “al Qaeda, or whoever did this” just two days after two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing three and wounding 170.

Standing in the middle of the utterly-deserted downtown, the mayor told a few remaining journalists that he would sign terms of surrender, abdicate his office and “effectively hand the keys to the city over to the agent, or group, that has brought Boston to a standstill, and has kept us all cowering in our homes wondering what to do next.”

This would be the first time in recent memory that a U.S. city has capitulated to terrorists, and surrendered its sovereignty. But sources close to the mayor noted that Boston, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the American people “lack both the resources and the resolve to stand up to occasional, seemingly-random attacks.”

The official signing ceremony and transfer of power awaits the revelation of the identity of the victorious conqueror.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the Palestinian territory, and throughout the Muslim world, mobs of cheering people chanted, “Boston has fallen, Braintree is next.”

New Movie Ratings Get Specific, Guard Kids

April 17th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Chris Dodd, CEO of MPAA on new movie rating systemChris Dodd, CEO of MPAA, explains the new ‘Check the Box’ movie rating system, demonstrating a stereotypical gesture that would be flagged to let parents better protect their children.

The Motion Picture Association of America has rolled out its new ‘Check the Box‘ campaign, designed to give parents more information, along with movie letter ratings, to determine if a film is appropriate for children, according to MPAA Chairman and Executive Chris Dodd, the former Democrat U.S. Senator.

“A lot of parents want to take their kids to a particular movie,” Dodd said, “but they’re concerned that the film may contain inappropriate themes — like an unabashed patriotic pro-American bias, monogamous heterosexual marriage relationships, heroic portrayals of business people or soldiers, gratuitous consumption of meat products and large sugary beverages, or scenes where people criticize their government without suffering the consequences.”

Dodd said the new ‘Check the Box’ campaign will fill the information void in the previous letter-based ratings system that often left parents wondering why a movie had been labeled PG-13, R or NC-17.

“Often parents would screen these movies first to protect their kids, and come out of the theater scratching their heads over why the film got a restrictive rating when it contained little but ordinary graphic violence, nudity, sexual acts and obscene language,” said Dodd. “So, then they have to go back, taking their young children, and wind up paying to see the movie twice. That’s not fair.”

Stabbing Spree Renews Call for Knife-Handle Limits

April 11th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Accused mass stabber in custody as Congress mulls knife-handle limitsWith Dylan Quick, the alleged Texas mass stabber, now in custody, Congress renews debate on “sensible knife-handle limits” that would prevent men like Quick from “getting a grip.”

A one-man stabbing spree that left more than a dozen injured at a Texas community college Tuesday has revived efforts in Congress to limit the length of knife handles.

Dylan Quick, the 20-year-old accused of slashing and stabbing his way from building to building at the Cypress campus of Lone Star College, reportedly told authorities he was acting out a childhood fantasy.

In response, Senate Democrats said they would introduce a bill next week to limit all commercially-available knife handles to less than one-half inch, making it “much more difficult for mass stabbers to get a grip.”

President Obama called on the Senate to “act now before the emotion of the moment fades and you resort to rational deliberation.”

Republicans initially mocked the proposal as “utterly worthless and ineffectual,” but then agreed with Democrats behind closed doors to support “common-sense knife handle legislation.”

Weeping First Lady Pushes Chicago to Ban Stolen Guns

April 11th, 2013 Scott Ott
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First Lady calls on Chicago to ban stolen gunsMichelle Obama tells Chicagoans that she’s just like a 15-year-old girl who was gunned down recently in the city, so it’s time for Chicago to get serious about banning stolen handguns.

First Lady Michelle Obama, in an intensely personal speech Wednesday, called for Chicago to ban stolen handguns, the most commonly-used murder weapon, in a city that tallied more than 500 murders last year.

Although Chicago already has some of the most restrictive gun laws in the country, Mrs. Obama said the city needs to “get serious about making illegally-acquired weapons illegal.”

The First Lady teared up as she recalled attending the funeral of a 15-year-old Chicago girl, shot in the back by a drive-by assailant, who reminded her of her own childhood in the same city.

“I realized that that young girl was me and I was her,” Obama said. “In other words, if I had been at that same spot just 35-years later, then Barack Obama would never have met me, and he would not be President of the United States today, so you would never get to hear this intensely-personal speech.”

President Obama said his wife’s gripping, emotional connection with that Chicago handgun murder should motivate Congress to pass more restrictive gun laws even if they would have no power to stop senseless murders of Chicago children.

“Republicans can argue that restricting magazine capacity, banning assault weapons or increasing background checks will do nothing to stem the tide of inner-city violence,” said the president, “but they can never counter the emotional impact of watching my wife cry. To them I say, your argument is invalid.”

Senate Mulls Background Checks on Potential Victims

April 10th, 2013 Scott Ott
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Potential mass-shooting victim background checks mulled by SenateSome senators worry that a bill to screen for potential mass-shooting victims could lead to empty classrooms and theaters, or worse, the specter of armed security personnel or even armed, law-abiding citizens depriving people of their natural right to remain defenseless.

The U.S. Senate next week will reportedly take up debate on a bill to require background checks on potential victims of mass shootings. The alternative to increased gun-purchase background checks came out of closed-door negotiations among Senate leaders when they discovered that mass-shooting victims are easier to spot in advance than mass shooters.

“Victims of mass shootings have some consistent markers,” said one unnamed Senate aide. “They’re the type who tend to congregate in enclosed spaces, unarmed, and who surround themselves with other utterly-defenseless individuals. If we can screen for those factors, perhaps we can develop measures to prevent the behaviors that lead to mass victimization.”

The controversial measure is expected to meet with stiff resistance from Senate Democrats who see potential-victim background checks as “infringing on a person’s God-given natural right to avoid self-defense,” as one unnamed Northeastern senator put it.

“All this does is stigmatize law-abiding citizens,” the Democrat senator said, noting that the bill is the biggest threat yet to the popular perception of safety in “gun-free zones” like schools and theaters.

Indeed, nationwide polls show that people like the idea of believing that a prohibition on carrying guns in certain places, or limitations on buying certain weapon types, will immunize them from sudden ballistic impact syndrome.

Obama’s ‘Best-Looking’ Quip Sparks Historic Dialogue

April 6th, 2013 Scott Ott
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President Obama starts historic national conversationPresident Obama starts historic national conversation about “the often magnificent beauty of some of America’s most accomplished professional women.”

President Obama’s recently-revealed opinion that California’s Kamala Harris is the “best-looking attorney general” has sparked an “important and long-avoided national dialogue that history will view as a great advance for women’s rights,” according to a White House spokesman. The incident is reminiscent of how the president used the ‘bully pulpit’ to start national conversations on race, and on homosexual marriage.

“It was not an off-the-cuff remark,” said spokesman Jay Carney. “The president’s words were straight from the TelePrompTer, and therefore, straight from his heart. He felt that this was the moment to break the unspoken national embargo on noticing the beauty of successful women.”

Carney said attractive, but powerful women have devoted countless hours and thousands of dollars to enhance their physical appearance, “only to be met with awkward silence when their attributes clearly call for a verbal response. The president believes it’s time to bring gorgeous influential women out of the shadows to be openly admired by awe-struck men.”

However, off the record, White House insiders acknowledge that Vice President Biden “forced Obama to ‘come out’ for physical compliments” before the president was ready, with Biden’s own frequent spontaneous remarks on female allure.

“The president’s views on speaking up when he’s enthralled by a successful woman’s appearance have been evolving,” said one unnamed source. “But Biden pushed the timeline for his public revelation.”

The president reportedly hopes that his groundbreaking comments will “help America get past this embarrassing chapter in our history of discrimination, and will finally put powerful, influential women on equal footing with working-class women whose efforts at beautification often meet with enthusiastic approbation from male associates.”

Obama Declares April 1 ‘Fiscal Responsibility Day’

April 1st, 2013 Scott Ott
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Obama signs National Fiscal Responsibility Day declarationPresident Obama declares April 1 ‘National Fiscal Responsibility Day’, as the infants and toddlers of Wall Street bankers crawl around his desk just out of the camera’s view.

In a White House ceremony this morning, surrounded by young children of Wall Street bankers, and of staffers at the Federal Reserve, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, President Barack Obama signed an executive order designating today as ‘National Fiscal Responsibility Day.’

The president said the declaration would both “recognize the Herculean efforts of members of Congress and the Executive branch in paring down the federal budget to its core essentials, as well as issue a challenge that still more can be done to achieve the dream of my personal hero, President Calvin Coolidge.”

In fact, Obama echoed Coolidge, saying: “I am for economy, and after that I am for more economy. At this time, and under present conditions, that is my conception of serving all of the people.”

Obama noted that from now on, the first day of April each year will “remind all Americans of the kind of government we ordained and established in our Constitution — one of limited, enumerated powers, that maximizes individual liberty.”

“The best way to achieve that is to perpetually devote ourselves to reducing the size and scope of the federal government,” Obama said, noting that the “little children are the ultimate beneficiaries of our frugality, since they will inherit a government that pays its way day-by-day without a load of unsustainable borrowing.”

The President encouraged all Americans to greet each other today with a cheery “Happy Fiscal Responsibility Day!” but to exchange cards and gifts “only if you can do so without incurring additional debt.”

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