Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

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Obama and Holder in Oval Office

This file photo shows a recent Oval Office meeting between outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder, and President Obama. They discussed where Obama might purchase a necktie.

(2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave his post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.

President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”

“Of course, Obama will always know where Holder is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”

Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because he’s black.”

Obama: If I Had a 2nd Son, He’d Look Like Ray Rice

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Obama and Ray Rice

In happier times, President Obama is shown in this file photo playfully tickling Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who reminds Obama of the second son he never had.

(2014-09-08) — In another effort to fulfill his campaign promise to connect personally with the everyday lives of Americans, President Barack Obama identified with Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who was fired today after new video showed him punching his former fiancé in the face, knocking her out in an elevator in February.

“If I had a second son, shortly after the one who looked like Trayvon Martin,” Obama said, “he’d look like Ray Rice. And so, this story, like most stories in the news, is deeply personal to me.”

A White House spokesman clarified that “The president does not actually have a second son, mostly because he and the First Lady never had a first son. Like many Americans, they agreed to a ‘conscious uncoupling’ after they noticed how much waste and greenhouse gas their two daughters generated.”

The president said he has already dispatched Attorney General Eric Holder to Baltimore to keep the peace, and to make sure that the white team owner and white NFL Commissioner have not violated anybody’s civil rights by ending Rice’s $40 million contract and suspending him from the league.

Upon arrival in Baltimore, Holder told a crowd at a local barbershop that he remembered a time when he was detained for no other reason than REWB — Riding an Elevator While Black.

Romney Lists Factors That Would Spark 2016 Run

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Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney insisted again this week that he’s not running for president in 2016, “unless it’s inevitable.”

(2014-08-28) — Despite his oft-stated reluctance to mount a third White House bid, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confessed to a talk radio host this week that he would reluctantly jump into the race “if circumstances change.”

“I loved running for president, and I’ll never do it again,” Romney said, adding that, “One should never say never,” and that life on the campaign trail was “a grueling ordeal that sorely taxed my family.”

“So Anne and I agreed that 2012 would be the last time,” he said, “unless, of course, a 2016 campaign is inevitable, and that would be understandably unavoidable.”

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

  • just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
  • were soft on gun rights, or
  • actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
  • had no previous political experience, or
  • had thinning hair, or
  • lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
  • had parents born in India or Cuba, or
  • had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
  • was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
  • swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
  • used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”

Russians Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords from 17 People

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password

Russian ID thieves devastated 17 people worldwide by stealing 1.2 billion of their passwords.

(2014-08-07) — Russian identity thieves reportedly stole 1.2 billion passwords from 420,000 websites, jeopardizing the privacy and financial well-being of up to 17 individuals worldwide.

International law enforcement authorities called the crime “devastating,” because like most people, “these 17 victims have more passwords than they can count, and no system for keeping track of them.”

Once the perpetrators are in custody, an attorney for the victims said he’s hopeful that “authorities will let them question the Russians from time to time in order to secure login credentials — especially for those sites and apps that you access only once or twice a year, but that make you create an entire user profile to find out whether it’s going to rain today, or at what temperature pork should be cooked in a convection oven.”

Approximately 1.1 billion of the stolen passwords merely provide access to one-time-usage email accounts set up to sell something on Craigslist — accounts with names like 2003PlymouthNeedsWork@gmail.com.

Authorities say the vast majority of the passwords on the Russian hard drives consist of utterly-random character sequences like ‘1234567’ or ‘password.’

Fortunately for the victims, the attorney said, “The Russians did not manage to acquire all of their passwords, so they can still post pictures of food and cat videos to Facebook and Instagram, retaining at least a modicum of their human dignity.”

 

 

GOP Balks, House Democrats Move to Impeach Obama

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Nancy Pelosi

Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi shakes her fist in rage against Republicans as she announces that she’ll file articles of impeachment against President Barack Obama in September, in advance of the next Congressional campaign-finance reporting deadline.

(2014-08-04) — Because House Republicans have steadfastly refused to impeach President Barack Obama, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) today announced that her caucus would advance articles of impeachment against the president in early September.

The move comes in the run-up to the 2014 midterm elections, as Democrat fundraising goals outstrip receipts, and some polls show the GOP could recapture the Senate.

“An attack on the president is an attack on all Americans,” Rep. Pelosi said. “Republicans, deep in their hearts, have wanted to impeach President Obama since before he was senator. We Democrats will introduce these articles of impeachment to unmask the true feelings of most Republicans, and to give Democratic lawmakers the opportunity to stand boldly at his side.”

A fundraising letter immediate went out from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee with the subject line, “GOP-Run House Tries to Impeach President Obama!”

White House spokesman Josh Earnest, called the impending impeachment “no surprise given the hostility of Republicans toward America’s first black president.”

“The fact that the Democrats had to launch this impeachment effort,” Earnest said, “is just another example of John Boehner’s do-nothing Republican majority.”

President Obama, informed of his looming impeachment, reportedly said, “Cha-ching.”

Hamas Agrees to Unilateral 72-Hour “Cease Liar”

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Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas' unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas’ unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

(2014-08-02) — Just hours after Hamas violated the most recent ceasefire agreement with Israel, President Barack Obama dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the telephone where he spent hours hammering out an ironclad unilateral 72-hour “cease-liar” deal with Hamas.

“During these three days,” Kerry said, “The leaders of Hamas have agreed to refrain from making any commitments they don’t intend to keep, or that they might later decide to breach, even though they start out with goodwill in their hearts.”

The White House admits this is an interim cease-liar agreement, and “at any moment Hamas could stagger under the burden of such an historic promise.”

Secretary Kerry completed the latest deal as the clock ticked down on the monthly minutes allocation of his Windows smartphone.

Kerry also explained that this week’s truce collapsed largely because neither Hamas, nor Turkish and Qatari mediators, could comfortably pronounce the first three letters of “truce.”

The Obama administration has agreed “to suspend peace talks for the duration of the agreement to facilitate compliance by Hamas.”

Justice Ginsburg to Stay, ‘So Am As Can Able Do To’

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released this recent photograph as additional evidence of her fitness to remain on the high court.

(2014-08-01) — Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, under pressure from Democrats to retire before a potential Republican majority takes the Senate, said this week that she’ll remain on the highest court in the land, “So am as can able do to, and perhaps longer.”

The octogenarian Liberal jurist said she’s monitoring her own ability to do the job, and will know when it’s time to go based on several indicators.

“Can you think as carbuncle masticate curmudgeon? Can you wrote fluidity pastoral semper fi? At my age, you take it year by hamstring staplegun cantaloupe. I’m OK this year.”

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he has spoken informally with Ginsburg at a D.C. social event and that “she’s as lucid and intellectually-sharp as ever I’ve seen her. I’m comfortable with her extending her tenure on the Court.”

Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

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Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

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bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals–and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

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(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.