Obama: Dump Costly Men, Hire Cheap Women

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Obama to Employers: Dump Men, Hire Women

President Obama signs an executive order, firing every male employee in the executive branch, to be replaced with “cheap, renewable women,” saving taxpayers millions of dollars this year alone.

(2014-04-10) — At a White House news conference today, President Obama encouraged employers to boost their profits by slashing expenses, or in his words: “Dump costly men, hire cheap women.”

“With women earning just 77 cents on the dollar compared with men,” Obama said, “they’re a real bargain, allowing you to move 23 percent of your HR budget straight to the bottom line.”

The president noted that, “Not only are women cheap and renewable, but they’re smart and they work hard, often doing jobs that no man would do. And some of them have even bigger biceps than their husbands.”

An unnamed economist at the American Woman Cooperative Marketing Board agreed.

“If women really earn so much less,” he said, “why would a business ever hire a man? All other things being equal, it makes no economic sense.”

However, a spokesman for Man Worker International noted that despite their proclivity to engage in risky after-hours behaviors and to die sooner, men are still a good deal.

“Sure, they cost a little more up front,” the spokesman acknowledged, “but men consistently put work before family, senselessly devote their lives to developing boring but useful expertise, and rarely get pregnant.”

Obama Imposes Sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Dog

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Obama Sanctions Putin's Gods

President Obama today imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog in an effort to force the Russian leader to pull troops out of Crimea. The retaliatory measures were suggested by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who told Obama of Putin’s special relationship with his dog.

(2014-03-20) — After Russia’s president ignored and mocked a first round of U.S. sanctions against his wealthy political cronies, President Obama today announced he’ll hit Vladimir Putin where it hurts. Not only did he announce new sanctions, he actually carried them out on live TV.

“With the full support of the international community,” Mr. Obama said, “I’m announcing today several crippling sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog — limiting his travel, seizing his assets, and shaming him before the global community.”

At that point in the news conference, Mr. Obama looked into the TV camera and administered the sanctions directly to the Russian dog: “You want to go outside, boy? You want to go outside?,” he said enthusiastically, before turning serious. “Well, forget it. You’re not going anywhere. Go lay down. Get in your box. Get. In. That. Box. Now!”

The president continued, speaking directly to the Russian hound, saying, “You like this bone, do you?”

Mr. Obama waved a sizable beef shank bone in front of the camera, and then quickly hid the bone behind his back. “Where’d it go? Where is it, boy? It’s gone! Your asset has been seized by the President of the United States.”

The shaming reached its peak as Mr. Obama gravely intoned: “Bad dog. You’re such a bad dog. Bad. Bad. Bad dog.”

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed that President Putin’s dog was watching the live news conference, and had “suffered immeasurably.”

“The President of the United States has gone too far this time,” Mr. Putin’s spokesman said. “All retaliatory options are on the table. Any that fall off of the table, will certainly be dealt with by the dog.”

Obama: ‘Tea Party’ Must Decry Unconstitutional Move

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Obama Calls for Tea Party Uprising

President Obama called on his “Tea Party friends” to rise up against the Russian-engineered unconstitutional referendum in Crimea aimed at severing the region from Ukraine, and stripping the people of their God-given constitutional right to self-determination.

(2014-03-17) — President Obama called on the Tea Party movement in the United States to rise up against Sunday’s Crimean vote to secede from Ukraine, a move he has characterized as unconstitutional.

“It’s a violation of the Ukrainian constitution,” Mr. Obama said of Sunday’s referendum in which Crimeans appear to have voted, under the watchful eye of Russian troops, to move into the Russian Federation. “As a former professor of Constitutional law, I’m asking my fellow Constitutionalists in the Tea Party to decry this abrogation of the Ukrainian peoples’ God-given right to self-determination.”

The White House said the president sees the Tea Party as “perhaps the last bulwark of constitutional defense which we urgently need to stand against all enemies foreign and domestic.”

“No charismatic tyrant should be allowed to manipulate the masses into trashing the bedrock of a civil and free society,” said President Obama. “The framers of the Ukrainian constitution understood the clear and present danger of a dynamic foreigner sowing the seeds of internal division and thus tearing this great nation apart. The Tea Party should warn Ukraine that it must unite, or die.”

Russian Forces Take Over Space Station Modules

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International Space Station annexed by Russia

Russian forces have moved into several modules of the International Space Station at the invitation of pro-Russian forces, to protect them from laboratory rodents run amok, according to Kremlin sources.

(2014-03-11) — Reports from the International Space Station (ISS) indicate that Russia has effectively annexed several modules of the orbiting laboratory, allegedly at the invitation of a Russian-speaking scientist aboard.

President Vladimir Putin said his forces moved in “peacefully and are committed to protecting the interests of pro-Russian persons on the ISS” — which currently comprises cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin, who felt threatened by some laboratory rodents run amok.

Mr. Tyurin’s American and Japanese counterparts are reportedly “delighted” by the move, according to Izvestia, the Russian newspaper, quoting sources in the Kremlin.

At the White House, President Obama is said to be in phone contact with NASA, President Putin and U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, from a nearby golf resort where his family is taking a much-needed mid-week vacation. The U.S. president called on his Russian counterpart to observe international and galactic law.

“If Vladimir Putin continues to occupy large sections of the ISS,” said Mr. Obama, “he needs to know that the United States is fully behind the future actions of the United Nations, and that no options are off the table, except military force and economic sanctions.”

Mr. Obama has dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the ISS, where he’ll arrive this weekend aboard a Falcon 9 cargo launch, after several hours of grueling training with George Clooney and Sandra Bullock.

Secretary Kerry will carry a red magic marker.

Troops in Crimea Merely Fetching Stray Sochi Dogs

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Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover the peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a visiting Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

(2014-03-03) — Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at President Barack Obama’s suggestion that Russian troops invaded the Crimea region of Ukraine over the weekend, insisting volunteers went on a “mission of mercy” to retrieve stray dogs from Sochi.

“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”

The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”

A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”

Holder: Gays Deserve Equal Treatment from IRS, NSA

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AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexual couples aren't overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexuals aren’t overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

(2014-02-10) — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that from now on the Justice Department will make sure that the federal government treats homosexual couples the same as heterosexuals, ensuring equally-vigorous IRS scrutiny for their political groups, generous NSA eavesdropping on personal communications, and proactive government exclusion of their viewpoints from the public schools.

“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”

The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.

“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).

“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”

Obama Skips Congress with State of the Union Speech

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Obama's private state of the union address

President Obama, seen in his office delivering a private State of the Union address to a handful of White House staffers, says, “I’ve had it up to here with this separation of powers and checks-and-balances malarkey. Let’s do stuff now.”

(2014-01-27) — Ignoring more than 220 years of tradition, President Obama has, reportedly, already delivered the State of the Union address privately in the Oval Office rather than to a joint session of Congress, where he won’t be appearing Tuesday as scheduled. White House sources say the president told them “we can’t wait” for members of Congress to come together.

“As he has mentioned, President Obama has a pen, so he wrote the speech,” said an unnamed administration source, “and then he stood up from his desk and delivered the stirring address to a handful of White House aides, Secret Service agents and a cleaning crew late Sunday night.”

Under the Constitution, the president is not required to give a speech, but merely to report to Congress from time to time on “the State of Union” and to recommend any measures he thinks appropriate.

“Although the president is naturally reluctant to take a literalist view of the Constitution,” the source said, “in this case, it suits his personal objectives in dealing with this do-nothing Congress. Why bother with all the ceremony and the humiliating prospect of asking them to pass laws, when he can just seize the moment and get stuff done.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner called Obama’s failure to deliver a lengthy speech before the joint session of Congress “highly unusual,” but acknowledged that Obama “just saved me about three nicotine patches.”

Obama Downplays Talk of His Own National Holiday

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Obama speaks on MLK day

President Obama speaks in front of a giant American flag-draped statue of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., commemorating the civil rights leader with an historic speech about King’s role in the Obama legacy.

(2014-01-20) — In a holiday ceremony to commemorate the life of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Obama spoke of the “fairly significant role” Dr. King played in the run up to his own historic presidency, but humbly downplayed potential talk of an Obama national holiday.

“Dr. King had a dream,” Obama told the countless dozens of spectators in attendance. “Many think that dream was fulfilled at my swearing-in ceremony. Others believe my reelection was the zenith of the civil rights movement. Debating that question is above my pay grade, but I do think it’s too early to pick a specific date for the Barack Obama national holiday.”

Nevertheless, Obama noted in passing that his August 4th birthday “falls nicely between Independence Day and Labor Day.”

In a prepared speech, delivered from a temporary platform a few feet above the head of the King statue near the National Mall, Obama also counseled “watchful patience” with the slow pace of work at the National Park Service in planning the Obama head on Mt. Rushmore.

“It may be a simple matter of geological engineering challenges,” Obama said, “but we can’t rule out that it’s part of the ongoing struggle for which Dr. King gave his life. Do not fear. We shall overcome.”

After the ceremony, the Park Service said it had already begun to bronze the platform to commemorate the historic Obama speech.

Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

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Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.’”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

Obama: New Jobs Report Shows Most Still Have One

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Now Hiring

Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, signs like this are appearing more often. This firm, for example, wants to hire a stock photographer to meet the growing demand from the White House for more pictures like this one.

(2014-01-11) — More upbeat economic news this morning from the White House as the latest jobs report indicates nearly 63 percent of working-age people still consider themselves part of “the workforce,” and a majority of them actually have jobs.

Administration spokesman Jay Carney said the Labor Department report “should buoy the stock market because 74,000 new jobs represents a full 37 percent of expected job creation.” However, he acknowledged “even that impressive number can go higher if we do more to reduce expectations.”

In the official White House news release, President Obama said, “Jobs are a key part of my economic plan, and I’m happy to report that most people have one.”

Carney credited President Obama’s policies for the “economic surge,” but admitted that the president hasn’t done enough yet persuade the Labor Department to reduce the official labor force number so that the unemployment figure can come down even further.

“Reducing the size of the work force is the key to reducing the unemployment number,” Carney said. “But the president can’t be blamed for the dearth of discouraged people dropping out. I think everyone agrees the president is doing all he can to discourage them.”