ScrappleFace: Hatch Lists Reasons Polygamists Are 'Fine People'

Hatch Lists Reasons Polygamists Are 'Fine People'

(2003-04-26) -- To back his recent statement that he knows some "very fine people" who are polygamists, Utah's Sen. Orrin Hatch today released a list of what makes polygamists so fine.

The Republican Senator insisted he doesn't want to justify polygamy, which is illegal in Utah and elsewhere. Mr. Hatch's Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (The Mormons) officially discarded the doctrine which sanctioned plural marriage in 1890.

Here are some excerpts from a document released by the Senator's office entitled "Why Polygamists Are Such Very Fine People, and Good for America, (Although Orrin Hatch Is Not Here to Justify Polygamy)":

-- Polygamist families help the youth of the community since they provide more Cub Scout Den Mothers, covered-dish cooks, homeroom helpers and mini-van soccer Moms.
-- Since one-out-of-two U.S. marriages ends in divorce, polygamy increases the odds of at least one marriage per family holding together.
-- Polygamists who take teen wives reduce the number of out-of-wedlock pregnancies in the community.
-- Husbands with multiple wives are less likely to commit adultery, since they can simply marry the object of their desires.
-- The challenge of dealing with multiple, asynchronous mood swings tends to make polygamist men skilled diplomats.
-- Failure to cope with multiple, asynchronous mood swings may increase the consumption of over-the-counter medications, which is good for the pharmaceutical industry.
-- Since husbands and wives often vote for the same candidates, if you can win the polygamist men's vote it could trigger a domino effect.
-- In the event a polygamist were elected President, you would have a First Lady, Second Lady, Third Lady and so on. Should the First Lady ever become incapacitated and not be able to perform her duties, the Second Lady would assume the role, and all the others would move up one position. This would reduce the likelihood of chaos in the White House when crucial decisions must be made about China, and silverware. It would also increase the number of President's wives available to be photographed while reading to 2nd-graders.

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You forgot one thing Scott. If Clinton had been allowed to marry more than one wife, the other wives would have killed Hillary, thus doing the World the biggest favor, since the Exorcist brought those demons out of that poor little girl! HEY, maybe Hillary is where those demons went?

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at April 26, 2003 06:55 PM

I've long wanted to know on what basis the champions of gay normalcy claim to abhor polygamy.

If somebody could get Shawn Kemp to marry the mothers of all his illegitimate children, and thus be legally bound to house, clothe and feed them as well as their children, wouldn't we be better off?

I mean, if it's not illegal to sleep around and produce offspring with no legal father, then why should it be illegal to force the father to take responsibility for his children and the family crises he has created, by marrying their mothers if they demand it?

Could there be a stronger deterrent to sexual irresponsibility?

Posted by: Gil at April 26, 2003 09:19 PM

Can you imagine poor Billy Bob Clinton ducking flying ashtrays and lamps pitched at him from three directions instead of just one? The anti-polygamy laws probably saved us from an Algore presidency. God Bless our monogamous society.

Posted by: wizegoi at April 26, 2003 11:48 PM

I hadn't thought of that particular scism in the religious right, but of course! They think differently in Utah. The radical right polygamists would be very deeply offended to be compared to gay people or any of the others in Santorum's list. Interesting.

Interesting also that, even after the Elizabeth Smart kidneapping, Hatch would not take a stand on enforcing age-of-consent laws, and other such laws, in Utah:

Sen. Orrin Hatch, attending a town meeting in southern Utah, found himself pressed by anti-polygamy activists to take a stand against the practice.

Bob Curran, director of the anti-polygamy group Help the Child Brides, asked the Utah Republican on Thursday, why, only an hour away, "thugs" can rape children and nothing is done to stop it.

"No one should be raping a child . . . we need to protect our children," Hatch said.

Curran said girls as young as 13 and 14 were forced into plural marriages with older men in the nearby twin polygamous communities of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, Ariz.

Hatch said, "I wouldn't throw accusations around unless you know they're true. . . . Bring the evidence to me." †††

Posted by: Kathryn Cramer at April 27, 2003 08:17 AM

Well, we have polygamy already, it's just serial polygamy, not parellel polygamy.

Posted by: Leo at April 27, 2003 09:41 AM

from Leo: "Well, we have polygamy already, it's just serial polygamy, not parellel polygamy."
*************************************
How RIGHT you are Leo....my sentiments exactly!

Are the poly-pervs really any different than the Bin Ladenites that think they have those 7 virgins awaiting them "on the other side". The poly-pervs just aren't waiting or taking chances.

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat at April 27, 2003 12:12 PM

Well, I only have one life partner at a time. I have been through several and never felt the need to have more then one at a time. It is wrong, to me. But I think other people should be able to do what they want. If you think so too, vote Bill Terwilliger in '04!

Posted by: Bambi Stokes-Hymington at April 27, 2003 01:00 PM

Except Pedofiles. I agree with Kathryn Cramer. Thanks to Kathryn for posting the original article here in the comments. We must stop the right-wing hate monger religious child abusers now! We must stop them. When Bill Terwilliger is President all children will get condoms but only for using with each other.

This is from the NY Times:

On a recent afternoon at Murrow High, in a wide corridor where cliques of students gathered to flirt, read and kill time during free periods, Sabrina Mendola, a junior, described the school condom program as "a good thing." She would not say whether she was sexually active, but she did say she knew of at least four students who have obtained condoms through the program.

"They had no money, and if they didn't get condoms from school, they would have had unprotected sex," said Sabrina, a 16-year-old from Sheepshead Bay. "Thank God for the school's having it."

And I agree. Thank God. I linked the hole article to my name.

And I don't know if God is a man or woman, but I am a man.

Posted by: Bambi Stokes-Hymington at April 27, 2003 01:17 PM

Lynch Family Cat, I never heard you say ANYTHING about the Lynch Family Rabbit. He was reproducing, with many partners, and YOU NEVER said a word! How ironic! Hypocrite!

Posted by: Lynch Family Hamster at April 27, 2003 08:33 PM

Good one Hamster! Speaking of doing it like rabbits, made me think of susan sarandon, and little timmy robbins, who is 12 years her junior. They are proud parents to two bastards, (sorry Scott, but it IS a correct term for sons born out of wedlock, as defined by Webster,[NOT the little black kid from T.V.]), and STILL not married!

Posted by: Susan Serin-Done at April 27, 2003 08:40 PM

They are life partners. They probably didn't use condoms.

Posted by: Bambi Stokes-Hymington at April 27, 2003 08:53 PM

YO HAMSTER!....what't with the "tude"? PMS?

Wouldn't blowing the whistle on the rabbit be the same as blowing the whistle on the dog for barking and on you for running around in that wheel? It would be faulting the rabbit, or you, or dog for the nature of the creature! As for me: cats are perfect.

Save some of the "tude" for the Dixie Chicks "plot" as laid out on the Dixie Chicks posting!(:~}).

B.T.W....How bout you get some WD-40 for that wheel of yours. You woudln't want to get on the wrong side of the dog and me now would you little one?
(:~})

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat at April 27, 2003 09:37 PM

Hey Hamster! ( named: "Pharisee")

Bunny Rabbit here....err...hare....
You got some thing to say to me??? What are you doggin'the cat for when you could have ratted on me yourself, ya glorified mouse?

Maybe if you'd get outta that doggone squeaky wheel once in a while you could expand your horizons.....live a little.....have some adventure...( hiding in the floor vents doesn't count as adventure. That's suicide, hairball!)

Anyway--it sounds like we need to have a family meeting! While all the rest of us are unified around here happily anticipating Jessies return home...YOU"RE trying to kick up some strife!

Next time your cage gets cleaned it would be interesting to see if YOU don't have some rodent contraband hidden underneath all those shavings.Some 'hamsters gone bad" videos, etc...

You've already got a rep for not getting along with your own kind! You'd do good to keep the friends ya got, short stuff!

Posted by: Lynch Family Rabbit at April 28, 2003 12:53 AM

This article reminds me of the Seinfeld in which Jerry and George were mistakenly taken for homosexuals. They kept denying the accusation, adding the caveat,"Not that there's anything wrong with that".

Funny. Liberals seem to be able to tolerate any perversion, but have no tolerance whatsoever for unperverted lifestyles or Christian values. These usually launch them into a rant.

Posted by: Joseph at April 28, 2003 09:12 AM

Hey hamster, would it kill you to throw some food on the floor, once in a while.
Quick, someone turned the light on!

LFR

Posted by: Lynch Family Roach at April 28, 2003 04:32 PM

Hey hamster, would it kill you to throw some food on the floor, once in a while.
Quick, someone turned the light on!

LFR

Posted by: Lynch Family Roach at April 28, 2003 04:32 PM

Hey LF Roach! Welcome to Scrapple Face!

Love,
Cat
Dog
Rabbit
GRUMPY and HOARDING hamster.

I hope Jessica reads Scrappleface! (:~}) She would probably really enjoy hearing from all of us in the "extended" family.

Posted by: Lynch Family Cat at April 28, 2003 06:42 PM

Obviously, I am posting in the wrong place.

I thought this was the place for Inanimate "Lynch Family" objects to post.

Posted by: Lynch Family Room at May 4, 2003 03:44 AM