ScrappleFace: Special Events Mark Launch of Homeland Security Dept.

Special Events Mark Launch of Homeland Security Dept.

(2003-01-24) -- As Tom Ridge takes the helm of the new 170,000 person U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Americans will get a free preview of what it will be like to live in the safest nation on earth.

Here are just some of the happenings planned to mark the launch of the new Homeland Security department:
--Each email that Americans send today will be screened, at no charge, and then stamped with the official seal of approval before being forwarded to the intended recipient.
--Public schools will offer special sessions on "How to Tell if Mommy and Daddy are Terrorists--and Who to Tell."
--All webcams in American homes will turn on at 11:30 a.m.. This is a free service to make sure your web cam works properly.
--Homeland Security booths at local shopping malls will offer a free evaluation of whether a person "looks suspicious."
--Airport security screeners will offer a complimentary frisking to randomly-selected airline passengers, often including a "generous cavity search."
--Uniformed soldiers, stationed throughout major cities, will play trivia games with selected pedestrians, quizzing them about little known details of their private lives. It's fun, and free.

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You forgot these additional events:

* Free profiling of the ethnic type of your choice - as long as it is a white, 75 year old woman - they are the most likely to be terrorists.

* Every airport patron receives one "Get-out-of-screening-free" card from the TSA. Just hand the card to any Airport screener and they will all look the other way as you cart your bag full of explosives into the terminal.

Posted by: Tom at January 24, 2003 10:53 AM

Or these:

--Free monitoring of phone conversations to ensure conversations are on the up and up.
--Handy "Color Code" charts for the kiddies!
--Courtesy housing for our visitors from foreign countries. Special Homeland Defense "Pals" will escort our guests to a special six foot by nine foor cell--er, suite--where they will enjoy free food and board until they are removed from the country.

Posted by: Jeff Fecke at January 24, 2003 11:48 AM

Your "permanent record" begun in Kindergarten will really become permanent.

A complimentary tour of the FBI's interrogation rooms for anyone commenting on the Scrappleface.com website.

John Lemon

(I'm in it for the lemonheads.)

Posted by: John Lemon at January 24, 2003 12:33 PM

If they are going to screen and censor e-mail, could they also spell-check them.

Posted by: scooterboy at January 24, 2003 12:38 PM

Hey Scooter,

Maybe they should check grammar too. Questions usually end with question marks.

John Lemon

Posted by: John Lemon at January 24, 2003 02:03 PM

Scrappleface is becoming famous. Yet another mention today (Friday, Jan 24) on Taranto's Best of the Web.

Wahoo!

Government subsidized lemonheads for everyone.

John Lemon

Posted by: John Lemon at January 24, 2003 03:35 PM

But wait-- there's more! Act now and receive a FREE READING performed by that master psychic, Admiral John Poindexter! (That's a free reading of your mail, e-mail, school and medical records...)

Posted by: the talking dog at January 24, 2003 05:53 PM

Sheesh! Git it right!

--Airport security screeners will offer a complimentary massage to selected airline passengers, sometime including a "full service" to select passengers.

Posted by: Gibbon at January 24, 2003 06:53 PM

Wow. This really shows how quick some people are to abolish our first-ammendment rights! I don't care how 'unsafe' it is, this is just what the framers of the constitution did NOT want when they wrote the Bill of Rights.

Posted by: at January 25, 2003 10:08 PM

The acronym is NAZI: National Alliance of Zany Individuals; I've decided to be proactive in my civic duty and, sparing my country the trouble & expense, have already tattooed my forehead with 666.

Posted by: Section8 at January 31, 2003 12:30 PM