ScrappleFace: 'Sports Riots' Mystify Nation's Intelligentsia

'Sports Riots' Mystify Nation's Intelligentsia

(2002-11-26) -- The nation's most intelligent people, those who operate Universities, are at a loss to explain why hundreds of college football fans commit acts of vandalism and violence after big games.

"So far we have ruled out the effects of alcohol on young people with no accountability and no respect for authority," said one university administrator. "Right now we're studying whether it might be marching band music that sets them off."

Other sociologists suspect college students may rush the field due to a deep-seated anger toward goal posts.

"The goal posts are a metaphor," said one expert. "They represent a direction in life that gives meaning to existence. These students resent that reminder of their lack of goals. So they lash out, and tear the posts down."

One university applied for, and received, a multi-million dollar grant from the Bacardi Foundation to study the phenomenon. Another college plans to require additional hours of sensitivity training for incoming freshmen.

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As a former member of the Harvard Band, I know we were blamed for everything that went wrong at a football game. I'd put the marching band music high on the list. :-)

Posted by: David Pinto at November 27, 2002 11:32 AM

Yes, I think it is time for all of us goalposts to start questioning authority, and ask the very tough question of, "Why do they hate us?" We are very proud of our jobs, standing upright and marking the endzones. We are proud American beacons of six points.

Others around the world have long envied our massive size and dignity. They are angry that so many key field goals have bounced off our arms, unjustly ruining the championship hopes of so many home teams.

It is the fans of these home teams that now hate us, and tear us down, and, boy, are they ever right to feel that way. While the goalpost community has taken a major hit from terrorists, er, fans, lately, that is entirely understandable. As long we keep preventing so many bad kickers from scoring, we deserve to suffer casualties. Clearly what we must do is buy these fans more beer and nachos. That will keep them happy, and, hopefully, distracted.

Posted by: Andrew Hagen at November 27, 2002 11:40 PM

Let's blame this on postmodernism too.

Posted by: Sean Hackbarth at November 28, 2002 10:55 AM