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October 24, 2002
Relax: Everyone Is 100% Safe Now

(2002-10-24) -- Now that police have two men in custody in Maryland as part of the sniper investigation, all U.S. citizens are now completely safe, according to a government source.

"There is no risk to anyone anymore," said the unnamed official. "Please tell your children that they are totally safe where ever they go. The government has done its job of protecting you from every conceivable threat 24 hours a day."

At a news conference, the mayor of the town where the suspects were apprehended assured everyone that his community is also safe, that people like that don't live there, and that these men were just passing through.

"Bad people come from other places, and they're radically different from the good people who live here," the mayor said.

Since the threat to public safety is gone, most state and federal law enforcement officers will be laid off in the next two weeks.

by Scott Ott | Donate | | Comments (12) | More Satire | Printer-Friendly
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The only thing we have to fear is not having enough counsellors to help us deal with our fear.

Posted by: Allen S. Thorpe at October 24, 2002 05:44 PM

I hate to say this, but if Al-Qaeda and the Islamists were not involved, they will soon adopt such techniques...as one cannot imagine a more efficient way to conduct terror: two people, one gun, 13 bullets, one car and three states terrorized for several weeks.

Posted by: William Palmer at October 24, 2002 06:07 PM

*golf clap*

Posted by: Laurence Simon at October 24, 2002 06:16 PM

Allah be praised, the infidel thinks he is being funny-- but he has captured precisely the American infidels' attitude: "They caught the bad guys-- now we can go back to our self-absorbed complacency. Now everything bad gets to happen SOMEWHERE ELSE again!"

Our holy warrior brethren are counting on this! Allah has blessed the infidel with short memories and attention spans! Praise be to Allah!

Posted by: the talking dog at October 24, 2002 06:23 PM

golf clap? golfers have their own form of the clap? the things you learn here in the blogosphere

Posted by: akaky akakyevich at October 24, 2002 06:37 PM

I don't think we are safe until Mr. Instapundit unravels the meaning of The Riddle about the Rabbit and the Duck.

Remember, these guys are not exactly intellectuals. Then again, if Mr. Instapundit thinks that because the older one converted to MuslimHood at one point, these are TERRORISTs, while encouraging the government and media to disinform TERRORISTs ... are our children going to be safe again from people like these?
Not in our lifetime.
Once more then. This time it's not even funny.
The Culture of Fear: Why Americans Are Afraid of the Wrong Things

Posted by: at October 24, 2002 06:38 PM

I,for one,do not believe Al-Queda will resort to using snipers as part of their terrorism tactics.

Despite what we have all so horrifyingly witnessed of 'sniper terrorism' as being probably the truest form of terrorism in terms of its ability to sow absolute panic not just from targets within high profile,heavily trafficked areas but directly within the minds of people spread out over the less densely populated areas within suburbia, 'sniper terrorism' will not be adopted because it just doesn't fit it with the modus operandi or mindset of Al-Queda and their preferred methodology of big, dramatic spectacular event driven bombing type missions like the recent attack in Indonesia.

Suicide attacks and bus-bombings in Israel has also proven to be highly successful in sowing terror but no one here in the US believes it will happen here despite its effectiveness.My point is,just because a particular form of terrorism may be highly effective doesn't necessarily mean it will be employed if it doesn't fit it with the terrorist's particular tactical mindset.



Posted by: Marc Savoy at October 24, 2002 07:26 PM

I don't know about being 100% safe. Meryl Boorish
is still out there with her daily blog snipings of the inane and mundane.

Posted by: Peter Segal at October 24, 2002 08:00 PM

Funny, I remember lots of heavy-breathing newsbabes, but the man-on-the-street didn't look all that escared. I saw packed rush hour highways and resturants (although people *did* seem to avoid the booths near the windows).

In fact, it looked to me like the response from the ordinary citizens of the Washington D.C. was a deafening *yawn*.


Posted by: Eric Cox at October 25, 2002 05:48 AM

Phobophobia. Look into it. Where's FDR when we need him? Now, you take John Ashcroft. Please.

"Funny, I remember lots of heavy-breathing newsbabes..." - Cox, you ignorant slut. And they say, "What's in a name?" Hmmph. Focus on the issues, dude. (BTW where's Nora O'Donnell now that we need her? *Duuude*!)

Posted by: The Pooka at October 25, 2002 09:24 AM

Was that an Augusta - Masters golf clap or a Nu Yawk - US Open golf clap?

I feel safer knowing that ScrappleFace goes beyond the headlines to get the "real" story. Thanks Mr. Face!

Posted by: MarcV at October 25, 2002 12:39 PM

The John and John Show closes a successful Beltway dinner theater run.
After a moderately successful one month off Broadway run, the John and John Show has folded. A financial backer at the investment firm of Al Queda told this reporter that the returns didn't justify taking the show to the Great White Way.
"Around DC the critics just take the actors to jail but in the Big Apple... those critics are pros and will "tune up" an actor until he can't stand. We didn't think it was worth the production costs."
The representative from Al Queda reports more shows like this are in preproduction and will be test marketed around the country.
"We are just following the stage tradition of trying out new ideas away from the tough audiences of New York."

Posted by: Mike S at October 27, 2002 10:33 AM
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