(2010-06-17) — Facing a hostile House panel investigating the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP Group CEO Tony Hayward today admitted that the environmental disaster was part of an intentional public relations strategy by the global petroleum firm “to win the hearts of Americans.”
“Let me just start by saying, we blew the rig, to break the pipe, to spill the oil…on purpose,” Mr. Hayward told the House Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations, eliciting gasps from the gallery in the Congressional hearing room. “We believed from the start that this would cause our stock price to tank, decimate the retirement accounts of millions of BP shareholders including us executives, kill the jobs of thousands of oil rig workers, and forever sully our carefully-built, decades-long reputation as an environmentally-sensitive energy firm.”
“Ideally,” he said, “we had hoped for a public rebuke by top U.S. government officials, 50,000-to-70,000 damage claims costing billions of dollars, and perhaps even criminal charges…if everything went according to plan. And, I’m happy to report, our plan worked perfectly.”
Mr. Hayward said BP paid a global public relations firm “several million dollars” to plan and execute the strategy, which “required a certain level of recklessness.”
“The hardest part was convincing the guys on the rig to do stuff that would endanger their own lives, and persuading executives to approve sloppy procedures that would end their careers,” he said. “Fortunately, our HR department has mastered the art of hiring compliant lackeys who will do anything for money but who never consider the personal consequences of their actions. That’s just part of our culture…the BP way.”
Asked to explain BP’s business strategy, Mr. Hayward told the House members, “When it gets right down to it, we’re not just committed to making obscene profits at any cost…ultimately, we’re in the pollution business. Normally we have to wait until the petroleum is refined and then burned in order to accomplish our pollution goals. But by blowing the rig, we bypass the middle man.”
22 responses so far ↓
1 ScrappleFace // Jun 17, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Are you in ScrappleFace editor Scott Ott's new book, "Laughing at Obama: Volume I'?
If you wrote a rave before the deadline, you may be. Check the Raves page at LaughingAtObama.com
If you have yet to rave, you can still order the book in paperback, Kindle or iPad versions.
2 ScrappleFace // Jun 17, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Are you in ScrappleFace editor Scott Ott's new book, 'Laughing at Obama: Volume I'?
If you wrote a rave before the deadline, you may be. Check the Raves page at LaughingAtObama.com
If you have yet to rave, you can still order the book in paperback, Kindle or iPad versions.
3 camojack // Jun 17, 2010 at 10:01 am
Sounds plausible enough.
NOT!!!
4 onlineanalyst // Jun 17, 2010 at 2:49 pm
All is well, now. BP has paid its protection money, although Carol Browner says that the 20 billion is neither a floor nor a ceiling..
BP and Enron were in bed with the cap and trade movement for a long time. Take it from one who was there at the outset. http://dailycaller.com/2010/06/10/bp-is-asking-fo...
5 boberin // Jun 17, 2010 at 12:03 pm
No credit for the idea Scott? This borrows to some extent from my post the other day (but of course you did it far better/much funnier). They should have explored a way to atomize the oil and spew it directly into the atmosphere unburnt. That'd have done the trick too…but killed fewer sea creatures…at least initially.
I could have saved everyone the trouble of today's hearings….
Gummint guy: we're very angry about this
BP guy: we're very sorry
Gummint guy: you don't get it, we're REALLY mad
BP guy: I get it, we're REALLY sorry
Now we can move on….
Good to see that BP's stock shot right back up as soon as they announced that they'd "sacrifice" about 2 weeks worth of profit to pay us all back. All I gotta do now is buy me a shrimp boat a la Frorrest Gump…and then sit back and get paid not to shrimp. Sweet deal, shrimping is a lot like work but now…
6 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 17, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I sell masks on my e-Commerce site. But that's for a nuclear or biological attack.
Sorry they don't filter Oil as its tends to clog the breathing apparatus and coat the lens
to see through and you might wind up walking into the oil slick and would look like an oil soaked and dying Pelican. Not funny.
7 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 17, 2010 at 4:20 pm
In related(?) matters the ice cap at the North Pole is the thickest its been since 2008.
Al Gorilla still drives an SUV and Heinz ketchup was thinned out about the same time as all the island in the world sank beneath the sea. Oh! excuse me. That part of Bible prophecy has yet to happen.
Vote! november 2nd!!
8 boberin // Jun 17, 2010 at 12:22 pm
You sell a mask that can protect from nuclear attack? I need me one of those!
I've worn my share of respirators in my day, they'll filter out oil drops…for a while.
As for the pelicans you can now just toss em on the grill, you don't even need charcoal, just light em up. Yummy!
9 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 17, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Speaking of Gummit…
Do you find more gum on sidewalks since a certain part of the world has moved North into the USA?
10 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 17, 2010 at 8:21 pm
boberin. Hello from Nick
I sell several types of masks.
The one you want is called an EE13A .
First, and only Certified to the ANSI/ISEA 110=2003 first American standard- protects against toxic gases: carbon monoxide, smoke, chlorine, ammonia, etc. protects against harmful particulates: soot, anthrax, smallpox, radioactive particles, etc. etc.
if you want to see it go to: http://www.survivalsupplies4u.com. look in the left had column under catagories and click on "Terrorism Survival needs." I also sell PS-007 Potassium Iodide tablets.
The masks aren't cheap.
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15 boberin // Jun 18, 2010 at 12:23 pm
hi Nick, cheap isn't usually desirable anyway. but, I'll pass…if I end up needing a nuke mask I'm pretty sure I won't really want to survive…I'll go quietly and hopefully quickly…cause I'm not that happy when i'm wearing a respirator and the thought of being unable to remove it would make me quite insane after about a day…i'd ptolly wake up, discover that i'm still wearing one and borrow a gun for a minute, they can have it right back…
16 JamesonLewis3rd // Jun 18, 2010 at 11:24 pm
I have a custom-built anti-nuclear conflagration mask that resembles a smiling George W. Bush.
17 JamesonLewis3rd // Jun 18, 2010 at 11:49 pm
Clayton Morris shares a graphic depicting the Worst Oil Spills in World History.
18 onlineanalyst // Jun 19, 2010 at 3:24 pm
I just read a number of commenters from the Gulf at the WSJ who say that President Bush suspended the Jones Act within days of Katrina's havoc. ObaMao has yet to do so in spite of the fact that multiple nations (17!) had offered assistance because he is beholden to American maritime unions. ObaMao has not even declared a state of emergency even though the spill took place in federal waters, where the federal government has primary responsibilities.
Using foreign-flagged ships to siphon off (or salvage) or to skim the oil before it dispersed and headed toward land and marshes would have prevented or mitigated the unfathomable damage that the spew is now wreaking. So far, only two nations have been granted a dispensation to assist and this after cutting through massive red tape.
This refusal to protect our nation's borders by ObaMao is a pure dereliction of duty. He is allowing a crisis to grow for political reasons.
19 onlineanalyst // Jun 19, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Maybe ObaMao could take some experienced advice re suspending the Jones Act:
http://keithhennessey.com/2010/06/18/how-to-waive...
Unless, of course, he would rather not "let a crisis go to waste" in order to demonize the oil industry and push a cap and tax bill.
20 Nations rethink drilling in wake of BP oil spill - World Best News // Jun 20, 2010 at 11:43 pm
[...] BP Chief Admits Plan to Sink Oil Rig, Pollute Gulf [...]
21 JamesonLewis3rd // Jun 21, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Wikipedia:
An odd thing to say or, at least, an odd way of saying it but it fired up that light bulb hovering over my head.
In their "acceptance" of the Oath of Office and/or asking assistance from Almighty God? Most of my life I never seriously questioned "acceptance" of the oath; now, I always will.
Thank you, BHO.
22 JamesonLewis3rd // Jun 21, 2010 at 9:52 pm
I have to share this from Breitbart.tv:EXCLUSIVE: KAGAN: Bork Hearings ‘Best Thing to Ever Happen to Constitutional Democracy’
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