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Bin Laden Marks Anniversary of Start of U.S. Conquest

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · 9 Comments

(2008-09-11) — Al Qaeda leader Usama Bin Laden today, in a fatwa pronounced from the throne of his caliphate in Baghdad, Iraq, marked the 7th anniversary of the beginning of the conquest of the United States of America as “a day of remembrance and rejoicing, a gift from Allah, the most merciful.”

As in the past four years, U.S. citizens will mark 9/11 with official parades and celebratory gunfire thanking President Bin Laden for rescuing the United States from “the debauchery and hedonism brought about by more than 200 years of so-called liberty and democracy”.

As all the world knows, the martyrdom attacks of September 11 set in motion a holy war that toppled the nation, formerly known as the Great Satan, within just three years. Victory came with relative ease thanks to the U.S. government’s persistent notion that the 9/11 attacks were isolated terror incidents to be prosecuted through legal channels, rather than a concerted and coordinated effort to overthrow Western civilization.

Iraq fell to al Qaeda quite rapidly, and Mr. Bin Laden entered the capital as a conquering hero to the cheers of a crowd so large police could not estimate their number.

With Iraq’s great wealth and weaponry at his disposal, Mr. Bin Laden quickly assembled a “coalition of the willing” in the Islamic world to cut off U.S. access to petroleum and to seize its assets in all coalition countries.

Israel fought in vain, but its remaining government officials capitulated in less than a month, after al Qaeda’s Palestinian brethren consummated the uprising plan. The European Union, Canada and Mexico eagerly sued for terms of peace and were treated with characteristic Islamic mercy. Only the intellectuals, journalists and religious leaders were beheaded.

With United Nation’s support, al Qaeda’s follow-up attacks devastated American financial, civilian and military targets in such rapid and chaotic fashion that the U.S. commander-in-chief reluctantly came to the table and negotiated terms of surrender. Again, Mr. Bin Laden’s kindness and mercy shined forth, as the vast majority of Americans were allowed to live, and to watch on TV the righteous slaughter of pastors, rabbis, professors, journalists and others who had held the reins of corruption.

During each of today’s calls to prayer at the magnificent towering Golden Mosque of 9/11, at Liberty and Church Streets in New York City, special prayers of thanks will be offered to Allah for his fulfillment of that which the prophet (peace be upon him) proclaimed and prophesied.

[Editor's Note: If you're thankful that this story is satire, please consider a gift to the Wounded Warriors Project.]

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Tags: Culture · Global News · U.S. News

9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 boberinyetagain // Sep 11, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Might have gone like that. Prolly not…but might have.

  • 2 gafisher // Sep 11, 2008 at 9:37 am

    Saved by a hanging chad, the Supreme Court, and the Grace of God! “President” bin Laden would likely have beaten a “President” Gore.

  • 3 conserve-a-tip // Sep 11, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Well, that gave me pause for thought - and a shiver up my spine. There, but for the grace of God, go we.

  • 4 mig // Sep 11, 2008 at 11:14 am

    I am speechless.

  • 5 Hawkeye // Sep 11, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    Words worth pondering, for sure.

  • 6 da Bunny // Sep 11, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    gafisher #2,yes, thanks be to God that a “President Gore” wasn’t in the White House on 9/11/01.

    {now I’ve gotta go wash my hands after typing that…}

  • 7 camojack // Sep 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    It would appear that Scott is channeling bin Laden’s dreams.

    Or his spirit, one hopes?

  • 8 mindknumbed kid // Sep 11, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    I’m just glad that Jesus Christ is victorious over the god of Usama bin Laden. I’m so glad to live in the United States of America, a land that has reaped many blessings from God Almighty. Most of all I am glad that I know Christ and that he will keep me until the end of time.

  • 9 gafisher // Sep 12, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Camo Re#7 — Just UBL’s memory.

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