(2008-03-20) — An uncharacteristically-personal new audio recording of a voice purported to be terror-leader Usama bin Laden includes a threat to “bomb Europe back to the Qaeda age.”
“Why should [German Chancellor] Angela Merkel and [French President] Nicolas Sarkozy live in their comfortable mansions?” the voice asks. “Meanwhile the future leader of the world — the exalted sovereign of the thousand-year Muslim Caliphate — lives in this slimy cave.”
Mr. Bin Laden, who experts said sounds slightly inebriated, can be heard to lament: “I could have had a mansion too, you know. You people have no idea what it costs to buy explosives and triggers these days. With oil over $100 per barrel, the shipping costs alone are killing me. That’s money I could have spent on luxuries like running water and electricity. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about how I could be using all this cash down at the Home Depot (peace be upon her towering shelves), to buy sheet rock, and quarter-round trim, and plush stain-resistant carpet and those nice modular shower units with the warm water that cascades on you from three sides.”
“But I sacrifice my own comfort for the sake of jihad,” says Mr. Bin Laden. “Not that any of you so-called Muslim brothers give a flying rip about my comfort. I give, and I give, and I give to you people, and yet six and a half years after my triumphant strike at the Great Satan in New York and Washington…I’m still squatting underground, mumbling in the dark into this tape recorder, while you lousy apostates are out there picking up PG-13 movies at Blockbuster and eating swine parts at TGI Fridays.”
Your Donation Fuels Family-Friendly Satire
46 responses so far ↓
1 camojack // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:03 am
Osama, Usama, Isama, Theysama?
2 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:04 am
That’s hillarious! Good work indeed.
Prolific this morning eh? Must be spring!!
knicks the…word
3 RedPepper // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:05 am
Mmmm … swine flesh !
4 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:08 am
Thinly sliced pig is quite the thing, I must agree there…
1908 racquets…they don’t make racquets like they used to
5 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:10 am
“peace be upon her towering shelves”
Are you part Dutch Scott? Those Dutch seem to love to stir things up
express survived…it was the other check out lines that died
6 Libby Gone // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:13 am
One must wonder if the ultimate victory for Freedom is Been Luhdin wasting away, seeing his Great Plan failing, sliding ever so deeper into the vast land of madness and forgotten souls…….
wv: condition Lawyers, from my recent perspective the only condition I’d like to see them in would involve the Marianas Trench
7 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:22 am
Libby, 2 good points in one post. Nicely done
stringent fisherman…these folks are not playing around
8 seriocomic22 // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:53 am
Somewhere in Pakistan’s tribal no-go area:
BIN LADEN: What’s the schedule for this summer, Aimen?
ZAWAHERI: Thirty suicide bombers set to go-markets, schoolyards, recruiting centers, mosques, so on. We figure that by the end of August, we’ll have McCain down to 40%, and people like Snowe and Collins will start backing away.
BIN LADEN: Great. I’m going to direct our media people to give the networks, the Times, and the AP a little heads up before each event to allow them to be on the scene right after it happens. Get the timing right: we want to make the evening newscasts and the morning papers.
ZAWAHERI: The usual spin-this wouldn’t be happening if the occupiers withdrew and let Iraqis live in peace?
BIN LADEN: Right. The more innocent people we kill, the more blame falls on Bush. I talked to Harry Reid the other day. We’re on the same page on this. And Jack Murtha’s been wonderful. Let’s consider him for an honorary membership in AQ when we’ve won. That entitles him to be beheaded with a sharp knife rather than a dull one.
ZAWAHERI: Allah is merciful.
9 Just Ranting // Mar 20, 2008 at 8:57 am
Those stalagmites can be mighty had to sleep on. And oy, that constant water dripping. Its enough to make you want to blow yourself up.
WV: was bombed…how appropriate!
10 Maggie // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:01 am
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest
his armpits.
11 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:11 am
Maggie, they already have
first spina…the other spinas were just pretenders to the throne, pay them no mind
12 Just Ranting // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:30 am
Maggie re: 10
Have some pity for the poor fleas.
wv: tears jumped…yes, the poor fleas.
13 Hawkeye // Mar 20, 2008 at 10:13 am
Now, now Usama… do I detect a note of sarcasm and bitterness in that voice? Don’t forget: a woman’s work is never done.
Patsy Company — Hillary’s friend Geraldine Ferraro?
14 seriocomic22 // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:12 am
Al Qaeda Show Tunes presents
“Salaam, Barry” by B. Laden
Salaam, Barry,
Well, salaam, Barry.
It’s so nice to have you, B’rack, atop the heap.
You’ve got it won, Barry,
Clinton’s done, Barry,
Keep on strivin’, keep on jivin’,
Keep connivin’ all those sheep.
The whole cave’s rockin’,
We could take Iraq in
Oh, a year or so from when you raise your hand.
So, win it all, Barry,
Watch the mideast fall, Barry,
Barry’ll let it happen, ain’t it grand.
Other Al Qaeda Show Tunes
“Try to Dismember” from “The Jihadists”
“If Ever I should Cleave You” from “Camel-lot”
“My Sunni Valentine” from “Heads ‘n Arms”
(All right. I’m done on this thread.)
15 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:22 am
How about a little Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for his cave. Oh, how marvelous.
“I sure can do something with that stalagmite sweetheart. Hmm, maybe some Lava Lamps, spread about will give it that Qaeda Age look. You are so hairy, I know a good hairdresser.”
wv: Campbell Holiday-free autographed editions of “Chicken Soup for Burka Blues Gals”
16 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:47 am
THE NIGHTMARE
Driving along the freeway, you’re a potential “person of interest” (aka ‘a wetback’) minding your own business when you’re stopped by the Highway Patrol for speeding. The Highway Patrol Officer then writes first a ticket for speeding, then another for driving without a driving license; then you inform the officer, “But Officer, I risked my life to swim across the Rio Grande and those rotten. no good, low down, bottom feeding Republicans won’t let me get a proper Driver’s License, so it’s not my fault.”
The Officer, being a good Democrat, apologizes “I’m so sorry, of course it’s not your fault, as an illegal alien, you’re being denied our constitutional right to drive. So, forget the tickets and have a nice day.”
If you think that’s satire, wake up, open your eyes, that’s today’s reality.
Heirborn Ranger
17 woodnwheel // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Heirborn: That is indeed a scary scenario, but do you have a news story about a situation where that actually happened?
wv: GELLMAN Simplex — I could insert a joke at the expense of the “Live with Regis & Kelly” producer, but since this is a family-friendly site…
18 JamesonLewis3rd // Mar 20, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I left last Saturday evening in a hurry to get to the boondocks north of Columbus OH for the funeral of my nearest and dearest and longest friend-she’d been my family and anchor for over 4 decades. The tobacco fields of KY gave courage and strength to the Grandest of Matriarchs, presiding over around a dozen children, 30-some grandkids, 20-some greatgrands and…..people like me. I still feel like somebody sucked all of the air out of the world. But, anyway…..
I’ve been away from the news for almost a week and BO is still tap-dancing!?!—that dude’s got some stamina!
Thank you
19 JamesonLewis3rd // Mar 20, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Please, let OBL saunter into my local Home Depot while I’m there. Please O Please
20 woodnwheel // Mar 20, 2008 at 2:50 pm
JL3: re. #18a: I’m sorry for your loss.
re. #19: LOL! I can picture it now
wv: York offering — for some reason the only thing that comes to mind is Hillary giving up her bid for president (like that’s going to happen)
21 da Bunny // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:02 pm
seriocomic22 #14…very funny!!
22 prettyold // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:17 pm
seriocomic22 #14 Big cave bustin’ dittos to what da Bunny said. I’m gonna be hummin’ Salaam Barry all the rest of the day.
JamesonLewis3rd, I too am very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though this wonderful woman had a rich full life. Right now that probably doesn’t help much ,but a year from now it will.
23 boberinyetagain // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:29 pm
JL3, condolences from the resident troll too!
24 MajorDomo // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Ode (borrowed) to Usama; Osama; Whatama:
“May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
May an elephant caress you with his toes
May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose
May the bird of paradise fly up you nose”.
(anyone remember the tune?)
WV: evening Jerusalem… and may you sleep peacefully!
25 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Obama found nothing wrong with Pastor Jwright’s trip to Libya with Louis Farrakhan to see Muammar Qaddafi or the church’s giving Farrakhan a lifetime achievement award.
The question now is up for grabs as to which one, Jwright or Louie F. he will choose as his Vice President?
On the other hand, to garner the white and female vote he possibly might choose NanPelosi who is rumored to be almost as liberal as himself (that way she could advance from being second on line for the Presidency to being next in line.)
With a little accidentally on purpose help from “unknown sources” The Queen Bee” could wind up as President, then she could pick Dirty Harry as her VP???
Halloween Horror movies are based on lesser scenarios. “The Chainsaw Massacre” would be a kindergarden laugh-fest by comparison.
Heirborn Ranger
26 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 5:24 pm
No respect, Usama will get absolutely no respect if he caves in to his desires to become a “creature of comfort”. That is the real reason they hate us you know, American men are comfortable, yet still able to enjoy real man things such as the NFL,NHL, WWF, and NASCAR. Why real men in America even take frequent showers, use deodorants and cologne, and drive luxury SUV’s. American men eat bacon and eggs, or ham and still are accepted as being 100% male. There are even some American men (such as former Presidents that don’t have to blow themselves up to enjoy the 72 virgins thing.What it all boils down to is envy, especially when it comes to religion. American men can accept Jesus Christ as Savior and be forgiven and on their way to eternity in heaven with God, no strings attached; but a Muslim has to make sure he both lives by his religion and dies by it to perhaps please his would be god.Or, an American man can reject any and all religion and still carry on his life any way that he chooses to do so and no jihadist or fundamentalist is going to seek to kill him or convert him by force. An american man can watch Baywatch on TV and not have to have the woman beaten or killed because he saw more than her eyes.
27 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I had lunch with my wife at a local quick-gag food joint this afternoon, their TV was tuned in to MsNBC, and the most news worthy story seemed to be the host of the show having been a guest on Ellen Degenerate’s show and “danced” with her, looked like it was way more newsworthy that anything else that could possibly be happening anywhere in the world. They were also talking about Obama’s church and how it was Michelle that wears the spiritual pants in their family. She tells him where they are going to attend church and he as a good husband dutifully follows her wisdom. Well, I may offend some lady folks now, but as I read God’s word, it is the man that is to be the spiritual leader in his house, and, he will be held accountable for how he handles his responsibility. Is that the kind of “leadership we are looking for in a president and/or CIC? “Uh, honey, Uglydinnersbad is launching an attack on Boston, I think you’d beter take over now”….. oh dear, let’s just go ahead and vote for him and kiss it all goodbye.
28 Libby Gone // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:04 pm
mkk #27,
Interesting point, but probably just another lib-diotic spin on the truth to absorb some of the attention this issue has deservedly created.
Uglydinnersbad? lol!
29 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:04 pm
woodnwheel #20 - (like that’s going to happen)
The odds as I figure them are about the same as LBJ leaving the VP slot peaceably after JFK told him that when he ran for re-election, he would have a different VP.
LBJ had stated that nothing or no one would stand in his way to becoming President. Either Kennedy underestimated his VP and didn’t take him seriously or he unknowingly signed his own death warrant with those words.
Since the “smartest woman in the world” is not unaware of what really happened; if my name was Obama, and it looked like I was actually going to be the nominee, I would pull my hat out of the ring - for the good of the party or I’d get a “Soldier of Fortune” magazine and hire a plethora of Ex Navy Seals, Green Berets, Secret Service, etc.
Heirborn Ranger
30 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:12 pm
mkk #26 - “….to enjoy the 72 virgins thing.”
I heard or read someplace that it’s actually a poor translation. The corrected translation is: “….to enjoy a 72 year old virgin.”
Heirborn Ranger
31 Maggie // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Major Domo……re#24
Yes, I remember the tune, it goes something this.
Da da da da de de de de La la la
La la la la la dum dum dum
La ta ta te dum de de
Humming the rest.
32 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Libby Gone - I think there are two “spins” in one with the coverage of BHO’s church, first, the obvious one, it is really his wife’s choice, therefore he isn’t at fault. Second, it isn’t very important because Obama has “bigger fish to fry”, this religion stuff is for women to handle while the true leader is busy with the truly important issues.
I also pondered, “Yukmydinnersbad”, but I figured he deserved to be tagged with the “ugly” label as much as anyone.
Fred - Der Slickmeister probably already got the 72 YO virgin as well!
wv: Worster here - I’ll say it will be after the election regardless the outcome!
33 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:07 pm
JL3rd, sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. May the sweet memories of her bring you comfort at this time of loss, and continue until God brings you all together again in eternal bliss.
34 prettyold // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Major Domo #24 To add to Maggies tune it’s
G- A - CCCCGAGC—
CCCCC-GAAG—
G-A-CCCCCCDCFFFFAC
G-A-CCCCCGAGC
Where there is a Dark C you drop an octave.
Now -a-one-an-a tw-an-a
um techniques leave much to be desired.
35 prettyold // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Other than Chelsea ,I doubt Bill Clinton has ever seen a virgin.
36 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Threats of Muslim terrorist plans are just not as interesting as someone dancing pathetically on a pathetic TV entertainment/talk show. And in other news, cHill’ry, Obamanable, and McChains are all fudging about their qualifications to be President, Obama had better just give it up or the Superdelegates will be forced to put cHillr’y in as the nominee, forcing the party to have to smooze the supporters of Obanana in order to beat McShame, she can do it, he cannot ….. and we have to leave religion to our wimmenfolk.
The more I think about it, the more I am blown away by just watching about 15 minutes of the MSM on a TV that was muted, glancing over to read the closed captioning, while listening to my wife and eating. That passes for journalism or news? It’s like they need to help their audience come to the “right” conclusions, or steer them away from things they don’t want to reveal. I guess I have avoided the MSM for so long that I can’t believe how lame they are. The average person is not a thinking person, it generally isn’t taught in a school, they put information into ths pupil’s head and hope they can retain it at a later date, but that is just memorization, not thinking. My kids would often come to me with a question that was easily answered, I rarely gave then an answer, I would use questions to guide them to the answer and wait for them to give me the answer. Drove the wife bonkers, “why can’t you just answer their question”? If you learn to use your own brain to answer your questions then you have learned to think for yourself. I wonder what percentage of our population can actually do that…
37 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 8:01 pm
WSJ today: I’m still laughing.
“Tell Us About Your Divorce!
This “reader inquiry” is running on the Web site of Minneapolis’s Star-Tribune (we figure it’s good form to redact the reporter’s phone number and email address):
Are you a woman in the military whose marriage has ended?
We’d like to talk to you for a possible story.
Please call reporter Pam Louwagie at 612-XXX-XXXX or e-mail XXX@startribune.com
Please leave your name and a telephone number where you can be reached.
Just reporting the news, we’re sure; there’s no agenda here.”
Heirborn Ranger
38 seriocomic22 // Mar 20, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Mindnumbed kid #36. Absolutely on target re the MSM. My wife sometimes wants to watch Brian Williams read the “news.” I leave the room. That way I’m not tempted to throw the remote at our new flat screen. They’ll do a major segment on some life-style crap-pet rocks, ballroom dancing, etc., then spend zero time (or worse, a few seconds) on the reasons behind the gas crunch, say. The only one worth watching in my book is Brit Hume. But he’s not a real journalist, you see, because he presents both sides and really seems interested in educating his viewers and not shaping their opinions.
39 MajorDomo // Mar 20, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Maggie and Prettyold:
Thanks. I strummed it out on my old git-fiddle and remembered that part of it.
40 Fred Sinclair // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:36 pm
mkk #36 - Sounds like my Dad. He was a Linotype operator. From age 10 (printer’s devil) through all phases of producing newspapers. Possibly the smartest person I’ve ever known. He too seldom answered any questions.
Mom was a R.N. I was a compulsive reader - read everything. Started reading cereal boxes when I was 3 or 4 living on a farm, as a kid I ran out of things to read I started on her nursing books. She too refused to answer questions, pointing to the book where I could find the answer by myself.
So from what you say, I figure you’re a top drawer dad. Pretty much along the line of conservative thought that there aren’t “bad” kids on the streets, up to their earlobes in crime, booze, sex and drugs. But there is (without consideration of the liberal’s mantra to the contrary) poor parenting.
Good parents seldom see their daughters in “Girls Gone Wild” videos or movies. They seldom see their sons running out of looted shops in the aftermath of a hurricane, etc., etc. and they seldom are forced to identify their child’s drug laden body in a refrigerated drawer at the morgue.
Prov. 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Heirborn Ranger
41 mindknumbed kid // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:37 pm
If I were in a knock-down drag-out fight and I was the one getting knocked-down 87.5% of the time, I would probably be tempted to throw in the towel after having fought with about everything I had. Unless, I thought that the fella beating me was being persuaded to stop fighting. After all of the pain and suffering and humiliation if I believed my foe was going to call it quits, I would do everything I could to hang in there. If I heard the reasons why he was fixin’ to give up and I could somehow manage to keep doing the things that was making him want to stop beating me up, I would do it. I would do it all the more if I could. I could win by causing him to stop hitting me before I was defeated.I believe you would do that too.
So why is it that the liberals keep teasing and taunting our foe to hang in there so we can give up the fight? This isn’t complicated to anyone that understands fighting for a cause. I wonder how long ago the enemies in Iraq would have given up had our entire nation shown the same resolve that the President has shown? If we would have shown that we meant business and would not slack off until we had completed our missions, every red blooded American standing against anyone that dared to even hint that they were out to cause us trouble of any kind. I am confident that we would have won the peace and began a new era in the middle east. So I will not question the libs patriotism, I will question their intelligence and their willingness to defend our rights to existence.
42 gafisher // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:14 am
mkk Re#41: “I wonder how long ago the enemies in Iraq would have given up had our entire nation shown the same resolve that the President has shown?”
The banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln would have been true save for the fifth column of the fourth estate.
43 JamesonLewis3rd // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:41 am
I don’t question the patriotism of “libs” , either—there isn’t any to question; to them, patriotism is passĂ©, the antithesis of their Narcissistic Obsequiousness.
44 JamesonLewis3rd // Mar 21, 2008 at 7:22 am
RE: #42~~
gafisher~~
Yes!
They (the Obsequious Narcissists) transmuted Fact to Myth right before the world’s very Eyeballs and Blinks were few and far between.
What Blinks there actually were went unnoticed, blown off as so much “Patriotic Blather” from a “typical white person.” Grrrrr.
Thank you all for your condolences, spoken and unspoken.
45 Fred Sinclair // Mar 21, 2008 at 8:11 am
JL3rd To the contrary I would suggest that the libs are very patriotic. There are few indeed that are more patriotic than Fidel Castro and his patriotism for his Cuba; Hugo Chavez is very patriotic about Venezuela; Joe Stalin was very patriotic about his mother Russia; Adolph Hitler was very patriotic about his homeland Germany. In the same vein I believe the liberals and their fellow travelers are very, very Pro-America.
The only difference, it must be their America, after they have “saved” the country by remolding it into their own image. Their agenda is to negate any laws they don’t like, redesign the Constitution, like an amendment to reverse the 2nd amendment. Supreme court decision to expand Roe vs Wade to include in clear language a woman’s inherent “right” to an abortion, anywhere, anytime, under any circumstance for any or no reason whatsoever.
With them (the elites) in power (absolute power) and the rest of the nation working as serfs or as the peons in the fields, with their every movement being rigidly controlled. The liberals would be the most Pro-America, Patriotic people in the world.
Heirborn Ranger
46 JamesonLewis3rd // Mar 21, 2008 at 9:11 am
I’ll buy that. They’re “patriotic” about the fantasy (not the one the founding fathers founded) USA they wish to impose.
Bothersome.
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