(2008-03-18) — The Bush administration today, in an another effort to reassure global investors that capitalism carries no risk of loss, announced today that J.P. Morgan Chase’s takeover of the near-bankrupt Bear Stearns financial firm would be secured by $30 billion in government surplus cheese.
“Thousands of pallets of cheese are actually sitting in a warehouse in Washington D.C., ready for immediate shipment should J.P. Morgan falter,” said an unnamed White House source. “The U.S. economy is absolutely reliable, and safe from the fickle whims of the so-called ‘invisible hand’.”
If an infusion of surplus cheese should fail to calm market jitters, the Bush administration reportedly stands ready to back Wall Street firms with millions of gallons of infant formula, and unlimited bales of government-subsidized tobacco.
12 responses so far ↓
1 RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:01 am
I can’t bear it …
2 Shelly // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:42 am
The politicians are making sure there’s also plenty of whine to go with that cheese.
3 onlineanalyst // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:45 am
I guess that we can be glad that the government does not support the Swiss cheese lobby. Its product has plenty of holes in it.
4 boberinyetagain // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:54 am
Sounds like a cheesy plan but let’s give it a shot.
In truth they are hoping that free money will solve all ills. Another dumb idea that we are actually trying. It’ll work…for now…
there inquire…the information booth?
5 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:26 pm
make mine Swiss because that is where my secret million dollars is stashed
6 Possumtrot // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Looks like a “bear” market to me. I keep what’s left of my money stashed in my mattress, where the ex-wives can’t get at it.
Keep playing, kids. You’ll get the best government money can buy.
7 camojack // Mar 18, 2008 at 5:21 pm
All American (gubmint) cheese food product, no doubt. Yeesh…
8 mindknumbed kid // Mar 18, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Why not just fire up the presses and print us all about 5 million in pocket change?
9 da Bunny // Mar 18, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Sounds like a gouda plan to me.
10 prettyold // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:12 pm
They need to Brie very careful as they throw a Brick through this window of opportunity. Well known economist Lim Berger(No relation to Sandy) says ,” Cheese Whiz! What about the crackers?I think somebody is puttin’ on the Ritz, they really don’t care Jack! It just fries my curds.”
It makes one’s teeth Cheddar to think what will happen next. I fear it is already a Feta accompli.
Hey, could we burn cheese instead of oil?
11 gafisher // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:38 pm
It’s Limburger all right, safely stored in Fort Knoxious.
12 PanamaRed // Mar 18, 2008 at 11:19 pm
I think we’ve created a Muenster personally making me bleu but I’ve got a gouda idea. We can wheel and deal this into one big motzarella as long as we don’t get creamed by the feta regulators. This hole thing gets my goat so I’m selling my subprime cottage and getting out thanks to the advice of my cheesewhiz. Ta ta.
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