(2008-03-18) — U.S. stock markets roared back today spurred by investor fears that American growth, employment and productivity may continue at world-beating rates into the unforeseeable future.
Prosperity jitters rocked the market with Wall Street investors worried that, as one trader put it, “Tomorrow might be better than today, American ingenuity might solve our current challenges…and then how would I feed my kids, and fuel my Bentley.”
Throughout the financial world, many analysts woke up to the fact their entire lives are based on investing in gossip, guesswork and greed, and wagering against their own neighbors and friends.
“It just struck me,” said one unnamed stock trader, “I come out here each day and bet against the greatest creative minds, and the most gifted and diligent workforce ever assembled in one nation in history. I’m thinking of giving it all up to start my own business selling crack to school kids.”
Your Donation Fuels Family-Friendly Satire
26 responses so far ↓
1 woodnwheel // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:32 pm
First!
God Bless America!
Scott: Brilliant!
McLoughlin Bart — Who would host a political roundtable on Fox (not to be confused with Fox News)
2 woodnwheel // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:33 pm
In case anyone’s wondering, the “McLoughlin Bart” is the wv…
3 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:42 pm
My keyboard is going into meltdown. Scott you woke up on the “Right,” side of the bed this morning
WV-slippers trademark-Nike???
4 RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Speaking of crack, Scott …
… what on earth are you using to sweeten your coffee today?
5 upnorthlurkin // Mar 18, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Pretty brave…being optimistic and all! Scott - you are the man!
6 Possumtrot // Mar 18, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I am having entirely too much fun celebrating the contributions of the Irish to civilization at large: wife-beating, drunkeness, and gaudy parades. Ye who are not true Sons of Erin please keep yer tasteless jokes to yerself.
Only kidding! I love a good joke at the expense of my Irish half. Too bad this day only comes once a year.
We’ll get back to the vital stuff tomorrow. Today’s the day for celebrating my Irish/Confederate heritage. Quite a mix, eh?
If the stock market hangs in there, what are the Dims going to do for an election issue? I don’t play, and keep what’s left of my money tucked in my mattress where the ex-wives can’t get at it, but I am vaguely aware that we live in a global economy.
I have led a pretty self-destructive life for most of my 55+ decades on this earth, but I am hard-pressed to recall anything as insanely suicidal as the modern Democrat party.
Going green for Mrs. O’Flaherty and the Sons of Erin…
7 woodnwheel // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Possum:
1) “Today’s the day for celebrating my Irish/Confederate heritage.”
Uh, St. Paddy’s Day was yesterday
2) “I am having entirely too much fun celebrating the contributions of the Irish to civilization at large: wife-beating, drunkeness, and gaudy parades.”
I’m over half Scottish, but since the Scots are descended from the Irish, I can relate to the “gaudy parades” reference
As for “wife-beating” and “drunkeness,” my parents run a children’s home for kids from families in crisis, and I have avoided alcohol my whole life because of a history of alcoholism on both sides, so those references hit a little close to home.
In terms of serious “contributions of the Irish to civilization at large,” let’s not forget one of my favorite bands of all time, The Corrs!
8 Fred Sinclair // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:45 pm
A different take on the coming election from “Planck”
The idea (satire, I’m thinking) is based on historical precedent. Elected officials have a strong track record of not only not fulfilling their election promises but often enough, actually doing the opposite of their platform. So if HillBilly, Inc. becomes President, again; we can figure on increased military presence in the war against terrorists, a locked and boxed border, lower taxes,etc., etc.
But like Scott’s satire, it’s “If only…..”
On the other hand, if Barack Hussein Obama becomes President, then as the Doctors say after a serious major operation, “Now, it’s all in the hands of God, I’ve done my best.”
Heirborn Ranger
9 Possumtrot // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Let’s ease up a bit here. No insult to civilization, I was trying to have a joke at the expense of my Irish. Is today the 17th or the 18th? I got married so I’d remember St. Patrick’s Day; no wonder my wives divorced me; I blew it.
Forget an anniversary, and you’re done for.
No insult to kids or abused women. I think you know I’m a champion of both. It was an Irish joke, and in poor taste. I don’t know any other way to tell an Irish joke.
10 Possumtrot // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I have been to the woodshed, and I am suitably chastised.
11 Beerme // Mar 18, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Me Uncle, Paddy died in an accident at the brewery. ‘e fell head first into a fermenter full o’ fine Irish Ale, and there he drowned. Two of his co-workers tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely…
12 camojack // Mar 18, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I hope the market surges; my 401K has been taking a beating…
13 RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 6:24 pm
camojack #12:
Just how much of a surge do you need, camo ?
14 Fred Sinclair // Mar 18, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I started advising friends in 2000 to convert everything into gold or silver. When the Hunt’s tried to corner the silver market, silver hit $50+ and gold $750 I made out buying common ordinary (circulation) pre 65 quarters by the roll.
Silver’s now at $19+ I’m once again converting everything into c.o.’s this time I think it will go way over $50.
Heirborn Ranger
15 mindknumbed kid // Mar 18, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Want to make a good investment? Just find out whatever I’m invested in and do the opposite, I was buying into gold and silver in the early 80’s, boy did it ever drop! So for Fred’s sake I will not invest in it now, although I believe it is the smartest investment going right now.
The greatest investment is in the Lord Jesus Christ, you cannot lose if you put it all on the line with him.
16 seriocomic22 // Mar 18, 2008 at 7:55 pm
“Prosperity jitters.” Wonderful!
Say, you think there’s any connection between these recent headlines?
“Are we headed for another Great Depression?”
“Poll: 74 percent think U.S. in recession”
17 da Bunny // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:18 pm
RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 6:24 pm
camojack #12:
DOW +420.41 (+3.51%)
Nasdaq +91.25 (+4.19%)
S&P 500 +54.14 (+4.24%)
Just how much of a surge do you need, camo ?
Ease up on him, RedPepper. With his monthly vacations and his plans for retirement to an exotic locale, he needs the money.
18 gafisher // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:27 pm
The fear now is that somebody will try to update the Ticker Tape Parade phenomenon, injuring thousands as LCD computer screens drift to the street like giant snowflakes.
19 camojack // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:42 pm
RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 6:24 pm
camojack #12:
DOW +420.41 (+3.51%)
Nasdaq +91.25 (+4.19%)
S&P 500 +54.14 (+4.24%)
Just how much of a surge do you need, camo ?
da Bunny // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Ease up on him, RedPepper. With his monthly vacations and his plans for retirement to an exotic locale, he needs the money.
While it would be nice to see the $11,000 that my 401K lost in the past few months restored…one day’s surge, will not accomplish that.
Monthly vacation?! I wish…
20 prettyold // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:44 pm
#11 Beerme said<”Me Uncle, Paddy died in an accident at the brewery. ‘e fell head first into a fermenter full o’ fine Irish Ale, and there he drowned. Two of his co-workers tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely…” as he got out twice to go to the bathroom.
21 PanamaRed // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Possomtrot: For all the accomplishments done by the Irish in America, you are entitled to make an Irish joke…the sins of the Irish pointed out by another are found everywhere there are people. Back on topic: Can’t they give Ritalin to the traders? That should stop this up and down hyperactivity. If we can put our kids on it, we can do the same for our brokers. As for our government, I recommend Thorazine for Congress as a cure for meddlesome law making.
22 RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 9:11 pm
camojack: Let not your heart be troubled, brother. The first metal coins were struck around 650 B.C. in western Turkey, & it’s all been downhill from there! I didn’t mean to make light of your 401K turning into a 4.01K ; remember, this too shall pass.
But, as you say, not in one day …
23 Effeminem // Mar 18, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Buy and hold for the win. I admit, I should’ve gone into emerging markets a couple years ago, but I didn’t expect the dollar to slide so.
I wouldn’t buy metals now, personally.
publicity gram: Paris Hilton releasing new fragrance STOP proceed with dynamo production STOP
24 Fred Sinclair // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:21 pm
mkk #15 I had an advantage, I worked with a very close friend who also owned half of a coin shop there in St Pete, he wouldn’t take a profit off of a friend, so he sold the quarters to me at what he paid for them.
The Fri. silver closed $50+ at first break he told me to go home at noon and bring in all my silver. He bought me out at $48.875. then sold out all he had at $49.175 - silver closed that Fri at $50+ and reopened the next Mon at $36.+
The Hunt brothers had lost their cornering attempt. He wrote me a check for $13,850.00 which gave me a profit of a little over $4K. I left there in 1986 and lost contact. But I will still buy silver at whatever the going rate.
Heirborn Ranger
WV - offs Georgiana - wonder what she did?
25 Fred Sinclair // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return ..?”
Heirborn Ranger
26 camojack // Mar 18, 2008 at 11:28 pm
RedPepper // Mar 18, 2008 at 9:11 pm
camojack: Let not your heart be troubled, brother. The first metal coins were struck around 650 B.C. in western Turkey, & it’s all been downhill from there! I didn’t mean to make light of your 401K turning into a 4.01K ; remember, this too shall pass.
But, as you say, not in one day…
I would do better to only look at the annual statements…but I understand the vagaries of the market.
My heart isn’t troubled, but thanks…
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