(2007-11-02) — In perhaps the most Reagan-esque moment of his presidency, George Bush today responded to the declaration of a strike by 12,000 Hollywood writers by ordering late-night comedy writers back to work within 48 hours.
Mr. Bush noted that in August of 1981, President Ronald Reagan fired 11,345 striking air traffic controllers and replaced them.
In a brief Oval Office statement, Mr. Bush said, “If I have to replace every writer for The Daily Show, Stephen Colbert, Johnny Carson and whatever else is on TV after my bedtime, I will do it. I’m the decider. I’m personally responsible to make sure that Americans have something to laugh at every night.”
The president expressed reluctance to nationalize the Writers Guild of America, but said he has placed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) on standby in case the guild members defy his order. He would also ask California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to deploy the state’s National Guard units to maintain order during a professional joke blackout, ensuring that citizens “don’t take humor into their own hands.”
While daily comedy shows would be first affected and hardest hit by the strike, the president said he’s taking such firm and rapid action because the work-stoppage will eventually slow Hollywood’s production of “films that set the moral tone for our nation, and establish America’s reputation overseas.”
“Let no one question our resolve in this matter,” said Mr. Bush. “I sincerely hope the union doesn’t misunderestimate the values I place on professional writing.”
Your Donation Fuels Family-Friendly Satire
103 responses so far ↓
1 gafisher // Nov 2, 2007 at 5:58 am
God Bless America!
2 gafisher // Nov 2, 2007 at 6:04 am
Now if he could just get them to be funny …
Meanwhile, and in the spirit of the season, those in dire need can visit a Ghost Writer.
3 camojack // Nov 2, 2007 at 7:07 am
Since I watch none of that crap, it matters naught t’me.
4 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:02 am
Scott, who needs writers when we have you? This is a scream in so many ways they are hard to count but my favorite right off the bat is…
“I’m personally responsible to make sure that Americans have something to laugh at every night.”
Yes, yes he is. And a darned fine job he does too…
5 onlineanalyst // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:14 am
Subtle, Scott! Bush: “…Johnny Carson and whatever else is on TV after my bedtime…” The CiC is in bed asleep well before the late nights light up.
The striking joke writers are spending their time, doing what they do best- indulging in their recreational drugs to “inspire” their “creativity” until such time as the public clamors for more of their inanity/insanity. OTOH their loss of income may be negatively affecting their purchasing power. What a dilemma… for them!
6 Libby Gone // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:17 am
For laughs I just follow the comedic team commonly known as the Democratic Presidential Candidates, or as we know them ” The Crap Pack”.
7 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:29 am
Libby, that is a funny bunch, no question!
8 Maggie // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:31 am
In the meantime……
Did you hear the one about a stalk of Broccoli that walked into a bar and ordered a drink?
The bartender said, “sorry we don’t serve vegetables”. ta da
9 Maggie // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:33 am
and…..
A horse walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender asked,”why the long face”?
10 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:45 am
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
11 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:45 am
A pony walks into a bar and coughs, “Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, “What’s with your voice?” The pony says, “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”
12 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:49 am
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
13 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:50 am
A Giraffe walks into a bar and the ….oh, never mind…
14 conserve-a-tips // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:13 am
After the Republican sweep in 2008, Boberin walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Just joshin’ ya, boy. Just joshin’.
15 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:24 am
c-a-t, good one. With the current crop of “candidates” I’m having a great deal of trouble deciding just who might be worth the effort. Fortunately I have lots and lots of time left even if they are alll running as though the election were next week.
Really unfortunately, independents are not allowed to vote in primarys. We should be allowed to vote in both imho but noooo
16 Maggie // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:25 am
CAT…….Good one…….wahahahahahahahaa
17 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:25 am
I, like Camo, watcha no crapa on de TV. I was going to call Time Warner and disconnect my cable, but my friend warned me that winter is soon to approach. I guess some think that winter will make you crazy enough to watch the idiot box.
I only watch TMC and occasionally FOX. I have seen everything on History and the other educational channels
Though recently I have started watching an interesting show on (shhh) PBS called Farmers Almanac, but that just wants to make me get out of the urban and into the country.
18 Fred Sinclair // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:25 am
Joke writers? On the 12th I’ll finish 70 years on the calendar and looking back to last year - this is the number one funny I’ve rceived over the year.
———————————————————-
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.”
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, “It’s because it takes place in the future.”
———————————————————-
Heirborn Ranger
19 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:35 am
Plus, I want to get rid of my TV before I get old enough to plop myself down and stare at Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and Dancing With the Stars.
I have watched many a fine person age and disintegrate into a blob of tranquilized flesh when those programs come on
20 Maggie // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:40 am
Who is bigger Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger’s baby?
answer:
Mr Bigger’s baby, because Mr Bigger’s baby is a little Bigger.
and….
Mary had a little lamb that had a sooty foot.
and everywhere that Mary went,
A sooty foot he put.
21 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:41 am
I have also gone on strike at Shelly’s Cafe. Low pay and no benefits. Okay, George, I’m waiting for your order.
No, not ham and eggs either. Order to return to work.
sigh
22 Maggie // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:44 am
Ms Righty re#19
Now, you’re meddleing (sp?)
:>)
23 Just Ranting // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:49 am
You mean people actually get paid to write that stuff?
24 conserve-a-tips // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:01 am
Boy, y’all are in rare form this morning. That Geritol is working, eh? (running for the door)
Boberin: I’ve finally made up my mind. I heard Fred Thompson speak again yesterday and am totally sold on the man. He’s getting my money and my help. He’s doing it like Truman and if he succeeds we will all be the better for it.
How about this?(apologies to James):
A Texan dies and goes to Hell. It’s terribly hot, of course, and everyone there is sweating and suffering. Except the Texan. He’s just laying back and smiling. “What’s the matter?” says the Devil. “Isn’t is hot enough for you?”
“Just like a spring day in Amarillo. No problem!” replied the Texan.
The next day the Devil turned the heat way up. Everyone was really suffering now. Except the Texan. Still smiling. “You mean it’s still not too hot for you?” asked the Devil.
“Just like a summer day in Laredo. No problem.” said the Texan.
The next day the Devil decided to really fix him. So he turned the temperature way down. It got very cold, started sleeting and snowing, and icycles started forming. Everyone was freezing to death. Except the Texan. “I don’t get it.” said the Devil. “Doesn’t the cold
bother you either?”
“The way I figure it,” said the Texan, “the
Rangers must have won the pennant!”
25 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:09 am
re:22
Maggie
I just wanted to see of I could create a little dust storm here. (wink, wink)
26 camojack // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:33 am
You can read some (literal) outhouse humor HERE…if you haven’t already done so.
Come to think of it, you can read some there even if you have already done so…
27 camojack // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:34 am
OOPS! I botched the link. HERE…
28 camojack // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:09 pm
A mean-looking dog limps into a bar and announces, “I’m trying to find the man who shot my paw…”
29 mig // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:12 pm
This website has gone 10 days without employee incident.
30 da Bunny // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:13 pm
“He would also ask California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to deploy the state’s National Guard units to maintain order during a professional joke blackout, ensuring that citizens “don’t take humor into their own hands.”
Uh-oh…I live here in the formerly Golden State, and I take humor into my own hands on a daily basis. Several times a day, in fact.
31 mig // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Are you Ansgarr?
32 mig // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Letty, I am still hooting over that one!
33 mig // Nov 2, 2007 at 12:20 pm
THIS is supposed to make the incident joke. Without it, well it’s pretty flat.
34 beekabok2 // Nov 2, 2007 at 1:09 pm
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, don’t you see that sign over there? It says ‘we don’t serve strings’ and you’re a string aren’t you? I thought so now get out!”
So the string walks out very mad (and still thirsty). He says to himself, “I’ll show him”. So he ties himself up into a big knot and takes the very end of himself and frazzels it all up. Now he walks back in and the bartender says “that sign over there STILL says ‘we don’t serve strings’ and you’re a string aren’t you?” Before the bartender can say anything else the string says:
“Nope, I’m a frayed knot”
Thank you, thank you. Try the veal. I’m here all week.
35 its-just-me // Nov 2, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Whatever would we all do without the fruits and nuts?
(Not the bar nuts…)
36 its-just-me // Nov 2, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Anyone heard this one before?
It’s long, but funny…
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, “Fetch me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly got the Captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Fetch me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight valiantly.” The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Fetch me my brown pants!!!’
37 Libby Gone // Nov 2, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Jokes? Let me recycle (do I get points from enviro-whackos?) an oldie but goodie….
The most intellectually challenged Conservative decides to go Lib, what is the end result?
The IQ of both movements increase!
38 its-just-me // Nov 2, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Libby Gone,
your contribution to the war on global warming has been duly noted, I’m sure…
Are jokes considered to be renewable resources?
39 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 3:22 pm
The ones we have trotted out are more akin to infectious waste I’m afraid!
40 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: “Ok, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says: “You can’t handle all these chickens, look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies: “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the old to step aside and the young to take over — so take a hike!”
The old rooster says: “Aw, c’mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster snarls: “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop.”
The young rooster smiles: “You know I’m going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what’s going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: “Dammit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.”
41 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Ooops, darn it. I hope Scott doesn’t fire me! It is so hard to for a jokester to get a job these days
42 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm
The two Iowan pilots were making their first landing at Minneapolis, St. Paul airport. The pilot had heard that the runway they were to land on was quite short.
He told his co-pilot ” The second that the tires touch the runway, I will put the engines in reverse thrust and you hit the brakes as hard as you can.” As they neared the airport they were surprised at how short the runway was.
The exact second the tires touched concrete, the pilot reversed the engines and the co-pilot stood on the brakes. The airplane screeched and skidded to a stop just a couple of inches from the end of the concrete. They both let out a sigh of relief.
“I have never landed on such a short runway before” the pilot said. The co-pilot looked out the left window and then the right window and said, “But LOOK how wide it is!”
43 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:01 pm
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
44 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:06 pm
You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.
45 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:09 pm
A man’s house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, “Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!” The Chief said, “Calm down, how do we get to your house?” The man said, “Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”
46 RedPepper // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Is nothing sacred any more?
Y’all crossing the picket line!
Union-busters! Company stooges! SCABS !
47 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Someone has to pick up the slack eh?
We could hire some Mexicans to do what joke writers are unwilling to do. That would show them eh?
48 boberinyetagain // Nov 2, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Have a good weekend, no laughing w/o a permit
49 its-just-me // Nov 2, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Re #43 -
funny joke, but pencil marks actually can be quite corrosive to some metals…
50 its-just-me // Nov 2, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Re #47
Gee, I don’t know - I think I’d shoot my TV if all I could get was Telemundo…
I should probably shoot the thing anyway…
but good thought.
51 mindknumbed kid // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:27 pm
It was a dark and stormy night, but only because the night so dark and stormy. Or was it so stormy and dark ? All of of a sudden, well, I thnk it was mostly all of a sudden, anyway, there was this bright,shining light shining brightly all around. What’s that thing up in the sky ? Hey, it’s Super Hillary - here to save the day !!
What’s that ? It’s supposed to be funny ? No horror stories allowed ? But, isnt the thought of Hillary saving the day funny ? I see, too scarry to be funny……
Guess I’ll just go back to lurking in the shadows, leave the funny business up to Scott, he is much way gooder than I.
Anybody heard anything from Aunt Sarah and Uncle Willy lately ? Did they take the Studebaker to IHOP ? If you see ‘em tellthem I say hey.
52 mindknumbed kid // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:29 pm
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Good night all, my work here is done.
53 mindknumbed kid // Nov 2, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I suppose that if I were one of the striking joke writers I would be worried that I might get Bushwhacked….like Everett, Pete, and Delmar,-where’s the happy little tire swing ?
54 gafisher // Nov 2, 2007 at 9:40 pm
I know 12000 Hollywood writers can’t operate as many typewriters as a million monkeys, but I’ve seen those late-night shows and, lemme tell ya, it ain’t Shakespeare.
55 prettyold // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:07 pm
I Love Scrappleface. Scott does a satire on striking comedy writers and the Scrapplevillians jump right in ,and not only fill in for the CW’s but do a better job.
Who needs TV?
56 conserve-a-tips // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Amen, Prettyold.
Mindnumbed Kid, did you get thrown out of the one branch of Woolworth’s or all of them?
57 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:29 pm
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, I am sorry, but we don’t serve food here.
A termite walked into a tavern and asked, “Is the bartender here?”
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Answer: He wanted to get a long little doggie
One frog croaks to another,
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies”.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
- Hot, cross bunnies!
So … Did ya hear about the cowboy who walked into the saloon in an outfit made entirely of paper?
Yeah, they hanged him for rustlin’.
58 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:30 pm
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”
59 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:31 pm
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
60 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:35 pm
A Norwegian was in a bar bragging about the 3 foot walleye he’d caught. A local, who had been sitting at the bar, and was feeling no pain, began telling of his last fishing trip to northern Minnesota.
Their guide had told them that the best fishing was at night: so in the dark, they loaded the boat with tackle and that important fishing aid – beer - and headed out. This fellow said that when they were getting ready to throw the anchor line out, it became tangled with the kerosene lantern and the lantern fell into the lake, but it never stopped burning. They came back for 3 more nights and that lantern was still burning!.
The Norwegian walleye fisherman said, “That’s impossible – that lamp can’t burn without oxygen underwater for three days.”
And to which the local replied…. “you take 12 inches off that fish and I’ll bring that lantern up sooner.”
61 mindknumbed kid // Nov 2, 2007 at 10:44 pm
c-a-t,
I don’t know, he just said, “stay out of the Woolsworth” !!
The guy that beat Everett up looks just like a good friend of mine from Pittsburgh, big Steelers fan.
That be my favorite movie.
62 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 8:53 am
So there’s this man who walks into a bar.
Later they take him to the ER to stitch up his nose. Please guys, will you stop walking into those @#@@%&^** bars.
63 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:05 am
Ms Rightwing, Ink: Jay Leno is gonna need you! I see you took some happy pills!
MKK: Mine too. Growing up in the hills of Tennessee with the history of TVA drilled into our skulls full of mush, AND having read The Odyssey in school, I found the movie to be absolute genius. The songs were spectacular.
64 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:16 am
Ms Rightwing, Ink: Not that you weren’t happy, but you are gushing the jokes, therefore the “happy pills” comment. (Tripping over myself to explain)
65 Maggie // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:18 am
I get no respect: Rodney Dangerfield
Today I walked into McDonalds to order a Happy meal and they told me to ” get out! you don’t deserve a break today”.
My friend is so fat that when she sits around the house…..she sits around the house.
He is so ugly that his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.
He is so ugly that he has to pull the covers over his head so sleep will creep up on him.
He is so ugly that it looks like God made him as ugly as possible then jumped at him and scared him.
66 Maggie // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:21 am
BTW Good Morning All….It’s great to be alive!
67 Beerme // Nov 3, 2007 at 12:00 pm
A duck walks into a bar and asks “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day
before that no! and if you ask that one more time
Ill nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “got any nails?” bar tender says no.
Duck says “good. Got any crackers?”
68 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I was so ugly when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
c.a.t.
I got to e-mail you real soon or call you tomorrow. Today is market day, so will be on the run.
69 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 12:58 pm
A little girl asks her father, why is my name Rose ? Her father answers her, because when you were born a rose petal fell from the sky landing on your forehead.
Rose was so excited she told her sisiter, so her sister goes to her father and asks, why is my name Daisy ? Her father tells her that when she was born a daisy petal fell from the sky landing on her forehead.
Daisy was excited and runs to tell the third sister who goes to her father and says, Nahumn agmun har- Shut up Brick, says her father.
70 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
This blonde wife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband left for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies ‘yes’. He asks what she is doing. She replies, that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies, that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
71 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Q: Why did the Blond stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were
approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond
employee….
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?”
The blond girl leaned over the counter and said,
“Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”
72 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:19 pm
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Wanna hear a blond joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him
says, “Before you tell that joke, you
should know something. Our bartender is blond. The bouncer is blond. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb. black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225 and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
The two blonds were walking along when they saw some tracks. The first said they looked liked deer tracks. The other said she was sure they were moose tracks. They were still arguing about them when the train hit them.
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he
walked past Ole’s house and saw a sign that said
“Boat For Sale.” This confused Sven because he knew
that Ole didn’t own a boat, so he finally decided to go
in and ask Ole about it.
“Hey Ole,” said Sven, “I noticed da sign in your yard
dat says ‘Boat For Sale,’ but ya don’t even have a boat.
All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and
combine.”
Ole replied, “Yup, and they’re boat for sale.”
73 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Olaf decided to try raising something different for a change and chose chickens. He went into town to the Feed store and bought 300 baby chicks. Three days later he went back to the counter of the feed store and asked for another 300 chicks. ” What happened to the first set ?” inquired the store owner. “They died” was Olaf’s terse reply. Well, small epidemics do have a way of happening so the man sold Olaf another 300 chicks.
Four days later Olaf was back needing to buy still another 300 chicks. When told that the second 300 had died as well, the store owner replied that Olaf just wasn’t having much luck with chickens then asked if he knew what was going wrong.
” I think I’m either planting them too far apart or too deep” replied Olaf.
74 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Last summer,Sven was hitchhiking back to the farm and got a ride on a motorcycle. The biker put the Harley up to about 75 MPH and Sven hollered ” Vhy are ve going so fast?” The biker replied ” the faster you go,the cooler it gets.”
They came to a crossroads where Sven hooked up with a big rig for the remainder of the trip. The truck driver ran that big Freightliner up to 90 MPH. “Vhy are ve going so fast?” asked Sven. “The faster you go,the cooler it gets.” replied the driver.
Well, Sven made it back to the farm and later that summer it was a scorcher. 104 degrees in the shade. Sven saddled up his horse and took off riding across the prairie just as fast as he could, got two miles from the farm when the horse dropped over dead.
Well, he didn’t want to leave the saddle so he started carrying it back to to farm. On his way he met his brother Olaf who asked what he was doin carryin’ the saddle. ” Horse died.” replied Sven. ” What did he die from ?” asked Olaf. Sven told him ” Near as I can figure out, he froze to death !”
75 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:25 pm
I didn’t know there was a Burger King in Oconomowoc !! When did that happen ?
76 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:30 pm
OK, I have one for you…Claude walks into a McDonald’s restaurant and orders a meal. The meal comes to $4.17. Claude hands the kid behind the counter a $20, but while the kid is entering the amount into the register, discovers that he also has 17 cents.
Claude says, “Here! I have the 17 cents too.”
The kid looks confused and says, “You gave me a twenty. That’s plenty.”
Claude says, “I know. But this way you can round up my change.”
The kid looks confused and says, “Really, I don’t need your change.”
The manager is standing behind the kid and says, in an exasperated voice, “Son, take his change.”
The kid takes it and looks at the manager, “Sooooo….I give him $15?”
“No,” sighs the manager. “That would be $16.”
The kid gives Claude the money and then bounces off to another customer. The manager looks at Claude, rolls his eyes and says, “I get to deal with this all day.”
OK, so it’s not a joke. It’s reality. Pitiful, huh?
77 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
What do you get when you cross a dyslectic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG.
What do you call a greasy Norwegian?
- Oleo!
How can tell if a redneck is married?
tobacco stains on both sides of the pickup.
Did ya hear about the Irishman they sent to London
to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
That’s all folks!
78 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 1:53 pm
re; 75
The Burger King was built on a slippery slope in Watertown, slid down to Oconomowoc and was last seen sliding east past Waukesha. Likely it got stuck in Milwaukee or ended up in Lake Michigan
79 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I believe that stupidity among the youths runs in cycles. In the early 90’s when I would go to a fast food restaurant and make a special order there was a couple of years where no matter what you wanted, it was never done correctly, it got to the point to where I would either eat it however they made it or just not even try to do a special order. Recently, I have noticed that it is getting more and more difficult to get a special order done correctly again. Maybe it is just a regional thing.
In related news, my 16 year old daughter just got a new job here in our new locale, Gillette,Wy. her starting pay is $9.75/hr. I am happy for her, but can most of the youths of this generation be worth that kind of pay ? The local McDonalds has huge crews working, yet they are so “overwhelmed” that they only run two registers INTERMITTENTLY during their busy breakfast and lunch rushes. Fortunately, we must not be in a hurry around here.
80 Maggie // Nov 3, 2007 at 2:49 pm
c-a-t re76……Rats :>)
MS RW Thanks for the laughs.
81 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Here we go, off to lunch @the golden arches.
82 Fred Sinclair // Nov 3, 2007 at 6:40 pm
ND loses to Navy 44 - 46 in 3rd OT
Heirborn Ranger
83 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 6:48 pm
re: 82
Now I don’t care who you are that’s funny!
Maybe?
84 Darthmeister // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Bush Orders Striking Joke Writers Back to Work
Does this include the Dhimmiecrat Presidential candidates, too? I still can’t figure out who the Joker and Riddler are in that group.
Hmmmm, my best guess is Edwards is the Joker and sHrillary is the Riddler since one can’t ever get her to directly answer a question.
85 Darthmeister // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
86 Darthmeister // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:22 pm
This is suppose to be the funniest joke in Austria and it certainly doesn’t lose anything in the translation:
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
87 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Oh really Darth -
Well this is supposed to be the least funny joke in America…….John Kerry.
88 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Sorry, I actualy voted for that joke, er…no not THAT joke, before I voted against it.
I hit the undo button on my ‘puter but it won’t dissappear.
89 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Heh, MKK, I worked at McDonald’s back in the 70’s (with a degree in fine arts and education no less) and actually enjoyed my stint there. Very much like being in the army. I don’t think it’s much that way anymore, as I see what goes on behind the scenes and just have to shake my head. I still have my Have A Mac Attack button from the introduction of the Big Mac and my All American award for winning that competition. Sadly, times have changed.
Darthmeister, number 86 was pretty funny.
Fred, OSU just had a heartbreaker against the Texas Longhorns (boo hiss), going into the second half something like 35(OSU)-17 (TX) (boo hiss), but Texas (boo hiss) pulled it up to a tie game in the last 4 minutes and in the last few seconds, kicked a field goal to win. I could swear that I saw the OSU coach hitting his head against the post saying, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Of course he controlled his melt down to the press, but was so tempted to yell, “If you have a problem, you deal with me! But don’t you malign these kids who just lost this game after having a sizeable lead and dilly dallied it away because they are just kids and I am a man!!!” He did say, several times, that nobody feels the gut-wrenching pain more than he does. Right. Self-centered jerk.
And now, off to watch the OU/Texas A&M game…the one that REALLY matters.
90 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 8:42 pm
c-a-t,
Oconomowoc University plays Texas A&M ? I didn’t realize they played during the regular season.
91 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 8:58 pm
c-a-t,
I never had the experience at fast food, my sister worked at Borden Burger (formerly BBF) and now Hardees, then she moved out of Hicktown into the real west and worked at McDonald’s on East North street in Rapid City,SD.
Later in life I got sick after eating a quarter pounder in an Ohio locale, swore off of McD’s for many years (long grain rice too as my heighbor force fed mesome of that on my way home from McD’s). So naturally, since all of my spare time was spent writing poetry about members of the opposite sex that I had an interest in, one such girl “Linda G”, worked at a McDonald’s and so I wrote a poem about McD’s and her. Those were the days……
92 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 9:01 pm
They say that Oconomowoc University could go all the way and with the Buckeyes flaming out I really got a feeling ’bout it.
93 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 9:19 pm
MKK - Sorry for the mixup there. We’re talkin’ University of Oklahoma - what else??????
Heh, I lived on and worked on the Rosebud Reservation there, one summer. It was the summer before the uprising at Wounded Knee and I always felt guilty because two of the lead rebels were our contacts while there. Wondered if we put ideas in their heads! I visited Rapid City and saw the effects of the flood.
94 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Awesome c-a-t, did ya meet Noah ?
Yeah, my brother and sister-in-law live in OKC,their son-in-law is from Texas and lives and breathes Texas, so she calls Texas A&M “ATM”, really get him riled up good.
95 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Back to McD’s on East North Street in Rapid City. They tore it down and buikt a new one, must’ve been around ‘94. When they opened the new one my wife, sister-in-law,children, and nieces went to check out the big new play place and ended up in the commercial they made for the grand opening. Not that this should interest anyone,but I find it intereesting how these little things worked out in our lives, my famjly was all born and raised in WV and SE Ohio.
96 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 9:56 pm
A Cowboy, An Indian, A Mexican, and A Rabbi all walk into a bar, the Bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
97 mindknumbed kid // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:08 pm
I see OU must’ve gotten ahold of ATM’s pin number, OU 21 - 0 .
98 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: (Because they all have phones…)
Q: What does a blond owl say?
A: What? What? What?
A woman develops a terrible rash over her body. She goes to see the doctor who prescribes taking a milk bath everyday, until the rash is gone.
The next day, the woman informs her milkman that she needs
100 quarts of milk.
“Why so many?” asks the milkman.
“I have this terrible rash and the doctor says I need to take a milk bath every day until I’m cured.” says the woman.
“Oh, goes the milkman,”Do you want it pasteurized?”
“No, goes the woman, “I just want it up to my chin”
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Local police are at a stand still over the theft of all the toilet seats from the station house bathroom. Quote the chief “At this point we have nothing to go on”
and finally
A blond was vacationing at the shore of a lake. As she strolled along the shore, she noticed another blond over on the other side of the lake. “Hello-o-o!” she called. “How do I get over to the other side of the lake?”
“Duh-h-h!” shouted the other blonde. “You’re already ON the other side of the lake!”
99 Ms RightWing, Ink // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Now, the last joke of the night and one of my favorites. I saw this in a book published in the mid-fifties.
It seems there was this woman in West Virginia who lived in this old house for many a year. She always scrimped and saved money for little projects around the house.
Well, one year she decides the house needed indoor plumbing, especially a flush toilet, but the project would cost more money than she could save, so she went to town looking for a bank that would give her a loan.
As she strolled down the street she saw a bank that had a sign in the window saying “home improvement loans available.”
So the lady walks into the bank and sits down at the desk where the loan officer sat and waited patiently for him to acknowledge her presence.
“Oh, excuse me mam, and what can I do for you today,” the gentleman asked.
“Well you see I have saved and saved for a bathroom to be added on to my house and I thought perhaps your bank could help,” the lady explained.
“Oh, so you have some savings, but I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, just where have you been doing your business up to now.”
The poor lady looked down with her face burning from embarrassment. “Well, if you must know-the bushes behind the house.”
100 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Ms Rightwing, Ink: On that last joke you forgot the “da-dump”. What a groaner.
MKK: I live just outside of OKC too. Interesting. When you get down this way, we’ll all have to meet. It’s the Scrapple Face2Face way!
101 conserve-a-tips // Nov 3, 2007 at 10:38 pm
This is for you Marge, (and anyone else mad over the banana episode) at the American Thinker.
102 Fred Sinclair // Nov 4, 2007 at 8:52 am
SELFISHNESS by Fred Sinclair
April 1st 1954
Two little robins, one spring day
Came down on the lawn ‘neath the trees to play.
They chirp and they sputter, they run and turn
’till one of them spies a big fat worm.
“Aha” she twitters, “I see where I,
Have a nice full meal: can’t pass that by.”
“I don’t see how, I seen it too”
Said he, “It don’t all belong to you.”
So both these robins made a dash
For that poor worm there on the grass.
Each seized an end, and - holy smoke ! !
They gave a tug, the poor worm broke !
And that’s the way with most all people
They don’t want the church without the steeple.
But better a half a loaf than none -
So lets share a little with everyone.
Heirborn Ranger
103 MargeinMI // Nov 4, 2007 at 9:23 am
Good morning all! Thanks for that lead in c-a-t.
The Boy and the Bad Banana Saga, part ?:
The way things stood, the ‘evaluator’ from Community Mental Health was supposed to come on Monday. So Monday morning I called the counselor and said I wanted to be there for the evaluation. She was unsure of the time, said she would call to find out and call me back.
Several hours later, she called back. It had been posponed until the next day. It also seems that parents aren’t usually present for the evaluation. The ‘evaluator’ wouldn’t need to talk to me unless she had some kind of recommendation for therapy or something. And that would be the end of it.
My reply: No. This is the end of it. You sent him to the principal, you talked to him, the police talked to him, I was called in. I think you’ve made your point with him. Enough. He’s got it.
Her: Oh. Well. I can cancel the evaluation, I guess.
Me: Good. Do that. I don’t think it’s necessary, he got the message how serious this is.
And that was that.
Ahhhhhh. I’m feeling the back pats through cyberspace! Thanks!
Epilogue:
I was called at home that night by one of his teachers (not the banana one) that she wanted to have a conference with me-before parent-teacher conferences next week. Tomorrow? Great!
I went in, the world’s most cooperative parent, listening to their concerns, offering ideas of how we might better COMMUNICATE, maybe a RATING SYSTEM for his BEHAVIORS on a daily basis. The special ed teacher joined us, thank goodness. She knows Boy very well and knows what works with him. Why she hadn’t met with them before the school year started to go over his I.E.P. (Individual Education Program). What’s the point of that if the teachers don’t know about it? Duh.
To sum up, it’s Crack Down Time, at school and at home. It’s overdue. And what better time than right before the holidays? I’m not concerned, I know my kid. He just needs a reality check and he’ll be fine.
P.S. He just brought a flute home to be in band. He’s ready to give up cause he can’t blow through it right yet. He tried about 20 times. Sigh. Give me strength Lord. :o)
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