(2007-08-17) — With a new CNN poll showing that 53 percent of Americans plan to reject the upcoming Iraq progress report by the top U.S. military commander and the U.S. ambassador there, President George Bush today announced he had contracted with several CNN reporters and anchors to write the final version of the report “in order to salvage a shred of credibility.”
“I can understand why the American people don’t believe Gen. David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker — men who lay their lives on the line daily to bring peace and justice to Iraq,” said President Bush. “That’s why I’m hiring these journalism boys from Atlanta to write this report.”
The president, explaining the 11th-hour decision, said, “Americans trust the kind of men whose faces wear the stain of heavy cosmetic makeup, whose heads have born the burden of daily conditioning rinses and relentless doses of hairspray. But guys like Petraeus and Crocker — who live in Kevlar vests, floss the sand out of their teeth at night and make daily life-and-death choices — may be prone to stretch the truth. That’s why my fellow Americans put their faith in the men of CNN; men who employ people to choose their neckties, who wear earphones so others can tell them what to say and which way to turn. These are the kind of men who pour their blood, sweat and tears into devising a clever way to transition from a car-bombing story to the latest compelling video of Elvis impersonators. These are men of integrity, men who talk-the-walk and, therefore, men who have earned our trust.”
Meanwhile, the latest CNN poll shows that 92 percent of the people who get their news from CNN believe the results of the latest CNN poll.
39 responses so far ↓
1 onlineanalyst // Aug 17, 2007 at 6:56 am
Not until the imprimatur of Harry Reid and his main squeeze, Nancy Pelosi, is put on this report will I accept its validity. Everyone knows that they embody “truthiness”. (Maybe they will even show up when General Petraeus speaks to Congress.)
Is it true that the newsroom staff at CNN stood up and cheered when the results of this poll came in?
2 Just Ranting // Aug 17, 2007 at 7:13 am
Perhaps if Gen Petreaus cupped his hand over his ear and affected a deep baritone voice ala Ted Baxter the CNN viewers might be compelled to believe him.
BTW, that military look with all those shiny medally thingees went out of style when the Sgt. Peppers’ album fell from the top ten. But I understand Nehru jackets and leisure suits are making a comeback. Perhaps granny glasses and a large gold chain with an eight inch diameter peace symbol would add some credibility.
“All we are sayyyyy-iinngg, is give victory a chance.”
3 JamesonLewis3rd // Aug 17, 2007 at 7:32 am
Scott~~Good one!
BTW:
:lol:Gary Owens did that on Laugh-In, too. Ah, the good old days…..
4 R.A.M. // Aug 17, 2007 at 7:52 am
Maybe if SGT Elvis Presley could give the report via seance? I bet it would be believeable to more people.
5 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 17, 2007 at 7:53 am
I believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and CNN. I do not believe in monsters under the bed, arena football, Yugos and Elvis
6 gafisher // Aug 17, 2007 at 8:48 am
Does the White House really think it can hire the CNN New$crew away from al Quada?
7 RedPepper // Aug 17, 2007 at 8:48 am
Why just CNN reporters? Where’s Chris Matthews? Katrina vanden Heuvel? Paul Krugman? Seymour Hersh?!?
I smell a Roveian plot …
8 Darthmeister // Aug 17, 2007 at 9:23 am
Scott, is that another way of saying in the final analysis 53% of Americans are certifiable closed-minded, anti-military (BUT WE SUPPORT THE TROOPS), partisan morons?
9 University Update - George W Bush - Bush Hires CNN Reporters to Pen Credible Iraq Report // Aug 17, 2007 at 10:27 am
[…] Clark Link to Article george w bush Bush Hires CNN Reporters to Pen Credible Iraq Report » This excerpt is […]
10 GnuCarSmell // Aug 17, 2007 at 11:14 am
To understand the mentality at CNN, you need to be reminded of disgraced war reporter Peter Arnett. He perfectly captures the CNN ethos with his signature anti-American stories, many of which were false or misleading.
http://www.answers.com/topic/peter-arnett
11 Darthmeister // Aug 17, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Did you see where Ted Turner kissed the backside of Castro’s regime in Cuba and now Turner’s cable network … ta da! … has a news bureau in Havana?
It’s precisely like CNN pulling punches on the atrocities committed under Saddam’s regime so that they can maintain their “news” bureau in Baghdad. CNN’s Eason Jordan admitted to this!
Typical leftist media, pull the punches on reporting the dirt on Commie and Islamic thug regimes while shamelessly manufacturing faux scandals and spinning the news concerning our own government - particularly when a Republican Administration is in power.
12 Iraq » Blog Archive » A Letter to the People of Iraq // Aug 17, 2007 at 1:16 pm
[…] (2007-08-17) — With a new CNN poll showing that 53 percent of Americans plan to reject the upcoming Iraq progress report by the top US military commander and the US ambassador there, President George Bush today announced he had … …more […]
13 debass // Aug 17, 2007 at 1:54 pm
“You’re either with us or with the terrorists.” Are these reporters enemy combatants yet? Let me know when.
Terrorists don’t let their friends vote Republican!
14 Andy Webb // Aug 17, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Does that mean the report would have to begin with “In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, the merciful” ?
15 Andy Webb // Aug 17, 2007 at 2:22 pm
If CNN writes the report, does that mean it will have to begin with “In the Name of Allah, the Benificent, the Merciful”?
16 woodnwheel // Aug 17, 2007 at 2:55 pm
“Meanwhile, the latest CNN poll shows that 92 percent of the people who get their news from CNN believe the results of the latest CNN poll.”
That would help explain why I rarely watch CNN.
Another piece of nail-on-the-head satire, Scott!
17 JamesonLewis3rd // Aug 17, 2007 at 3:45 pm
I hereby vehemently suggest that any upcoming pre-infamous Republican political debate be done by semaphore.
18 da Bunny // Aug 17, 2007 at 4:34 pm
This “credible Iraq report” will only be credible to that 92 percent of people who get their news from CNN and believe the results of that CNN poll!
19 GnuCarSmell // Aug 17, 2007 at 5:06 pm
…meanwhile, 97 percent of people who don’t watch CNN say they don’t want to anyway.
20 JamesonLewis3rd // Aug 17, 2007 at 5:22 pm
“CNN” and “credible” on the same line is almost too much for these weary retinas of mine.
21 onlineanalyst // Aug 17, 2007 at 6:48 pm
GnuCarSmell: And if you are trapped in an airport departure lounge where you cannot escape CNN ad nauseum all the time, you feel as if you have been swallowed whole into the mileu of 1984 or Brave New World. This propaganda strategy in the guise of information subtly numbs the mind of an already-stressed traveler to accept the “party line, comrade”. Ninety-seven percent of the people who are watching CNN are more than likely hostages to delayed flights.
22 Darthmeister // Aug 17, 2007 at 8:20 pm
At least the President isn’t getting the BBC to write his report. Now there’s a cesspool of non-objectivity if there ever was one.
23 Darthmeister // Aug 17, 2007 at 8:20 pm
… the BBC stole my post!
24 gafisher // Aug 18, 2007 at 7:05 am
“… 53 percent of Americans plan to reject the upcoming Iraq progress report …”
I wonder what the “approval rating” would be if the respondents knew what the report would say. Do 53 percent plan to reject the report if it’s negative, or only if it’s positive?
25 JamesonLewis3rd // Aug 18, 2007 at 8:29 am
They’re just [shrugs shoulder] against it (the only way they’d be for it is if it greased their clammy palm)-under the BDS by-laws, pertinent facts need not be considered when forming an opinion of any magnitude of relevance and should be redacted from the debate forum as prejudicial to Narcissistic Hysteria.
26 Darthmeister // Aug 18, 2007 at 9:34 am
RUNNING OUT OF BULLETS: Ammunition Shortage Squeezes Police …
Well, if they wouldn’t miss so much. But of course the shortage is due to all ammunition being sent to Iraq in Bush’s illegal and immoral war.
Giuliani-McCain: That’s The Ticket?
Media morons. ‘Nuff said.
Flood in a Chinese coal mine trapped 172 miners…
If Bush had signed Kyoto this would have never happened. Clearly global warming is responsible, too. The Chi-com government normally has the safest mining record in the world if you ignore the thousands of other Chinese miners deaths that were outside their control.
John Edwards calls Coulter “She-devil”
CAT FIGHT! Don’t muss your hair in the fight, Mr. Edwards. Now that would unbecoming to a presidential candidate. Anyone else notice how the leftist loons try to demonize anyone critical of them or their leftist policies?
27 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 18, 2007 at 9:37 am
My my, had to dig my jacket out to protect myself from glober coolin’. The temperature hasn’t even made it out of the low 60’s yet.
Better call CNN and tell them an ice age is approaching.
Alright Scrapple ladies where are you. C-A-T, Shelly, Marge and Maggie, Up North and the rest of you better show up soon. My arms are getting tired from trying to keep the door shut. I know the George Globals are trying to bust down the bunker
28 mig // Aug 18, 2007 at 10:29 am
Good Morn to you Ms. RightWing. Just got in from mowin’ the yard with a push mower. The rider is in the shop, been three weeks. I got two acres. Man my face is red.
Do you remember Dick Martin would recite news on Laugh In. This report will be just as amusing.
29 Maggie // Aug 18, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Hello Ms Righty,
Sorry I was not here to help you carry the load this morning but my sister and I had to get to Walmart before all of the illegals did.
You were in fine form with your “global coolin” :>)
Mig,
Thank you so much for the card.It was sweet of you to send it.
30 myword // Aug 18, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Calling Ms. Righty -\
Inquiring minds want to know. Why in the hallelujah are they singing the Canadian national anthem before the Nascar races now. It doesn’t sit well with me and doesn’t
seem to with the fans either. What the heck’s going on!
Letty
31 SGT USMC 1ea // Aug 18, 2007 at 5:07 pm
The Canadians have a National Anthem? I thought the benefits stopped at round bacon, shoddy socialized medicine and spiffy mounty uniforms. Apparently there is much more to our northern neighbor than I thought.
Good to see you again Scrappledom. I am still alive for the moment.
Deus est Semper Fidelis
32 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 18, 2007 at 5:36 pm
mig
So sorry on two counts. First I left out your name and second of all I’m sorry about your lawnmower. If I was there with my power chair I am sure we could had converted it into a hi-octane Lawn Boy.
Myword
I have no idea but perhaps after the Bush race in Montreal last week someone likely forgot they came back to America.
I went to a wee little little parade in our Democrat hold holdout here at the bunker and it started out with a three man color guard. I think I was the only one around who stood up and put my hand over my heart-the democrats were waiting for someone to throw them cheap candy and pencils.
Maybe it is because I see life from a wheelchair, but if I had freedom to stand for a great length of time I would have kicked them all in the, ahem—you get the point.
Nuff said.
33 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 18, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Hey SGT USMC 1ea, what is happening. Good to see ya back
34 kelly ob // Aug 18, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Interesting… a poll about the believability of a poll.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pDhKI6rkTE
35 SGT USMC 1ea // Aug 18, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Ms RW
Glad to see you feeling so chipper. I should be home for the next few days. I go on travel again next Friday. Taking the wife out for dinner now but I’ll be checking in.
Deus est Semper Fidelis
36 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 18, 2007 at 7:34 pm
I just sent this off to my dear Friend Aunt Sarah. I’m surprised she didn’t write me and let me know that Arkysaw done made it legal to marry up rat young like.
http://www.newsnet5.com/family/13918616/detail.html
37 Ms RightWing, Ink // Aug 18, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Zapola
38 Darthmeister // Aug 18, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Tally ho, SGT USMC! Now if we can get the Canucks to stay on their side of the border and enjoy the benefits of their highly touted socialized medicine instead of mucking up things here in the lower 48 by jumping to the head of the line, we might have more hospital beds available to our own good citizens in need of sex change operations and other cosmetic … ahem … enhancements.
39 Darthmeister // Aug 18, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Oh boy, we might’n be hearin soon frum Aunt Sarah and Unca Willie! I wunder how them envirumental frendly tallow candles r comin’ along, Ms. RightWing?
Unca Willie sure be knowin how to reduce that there carbun footprint thingy. I supposin’ ifn we awl qwit walkin’ through the ol’ burnt out trash fire in owr backyardz, it woold sertainly bee the furst step toward carbun nootrality I wood think.
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