(2007-03-23) — United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, who narrowly escaped death yesterday when terrorists detonated a rocket within 50 meters of him during a news conference, today ordered U.N. armed forces to mass outside of Baghdad for an all-out assault on the city, adding “this time it’s personal.”
“I used to think the so-called insurgents just wanted an end to the U.S. occupation of their country, so they could live in peace,” said Mr. Ban. “But they nearly killed the world’s leading peace emissary. These people are fanatics bent on the destruction of modern civilization so they can rule the world with their evil ideology.”
Mr. Ban said blue-helmeted U.N. troops would team up with Iraqi army and police units as well as U.S. forces “to scrub this town with a Brillo pad” and achieve “peace through superior fire power.”
“We’ll fight them in the streets,” he said. “We’ll fight them on the rooftops. We’ll fight them in the falafel shops. We will never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up.”
A unnamed U.N. spokesman warned al Qaeda, Iran, Syria and the various terror militias against underestimating the U.N. chief’s resolve.
“When he wants something to go away,” the source said, “it goes away. They don’t call him Mr. Ban for nothing.”
However, he added that the assault on the city may be delayed for some months to give time for U.N. troops to receive offensive weapons, and training in how to use them.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Scott Ott // Mar 23, 2007 at 6:38 am
UN Chief Targeted in Iraq, Orders Massive Retaliation…
by Scott Ott(2007-03-23) — United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, who narrowly escaped death yesterday when terrorists detonated a rocket within 50 meters of him during a news conference, today ordered U.N. armed forces to mass outside of……
2 RedPepper // Mar 23, 2007 at 6:44 am
“You’re taking this awfully personal. Tom this is business and this kid’s taking this very personal.”
- Santino Corleone
3 Fred Sinclair // Mar 23, 2007 at 6:58 am
Part of the delay might be to give The New York Times sufficient room to make sure that they have all of the UN Secretary General’s attack plans (route, number of troops, date and time, etc.) double checked and printed in a special box on their front page.
Heirborn Ranger
4 onlineanalyst // Mar 23, 2007 at 7:06 am
Maybe the UN Sec-Gen can enlist the aid of his NoKo “activist” neighbor and the anti-war Cynthia McKinney for the mop-up operations on Baghdad. Their hair styles would serve as terrific weapons of Brillo® “to scrub this town” clean. Such a deterrent is called peace-through-scaring-the-bejabbers-out-of-the-enemy.
5 Shelly // Mar 23, 2007 at 7:30 am
Fred, I think you’re on to something…
And by eleventeenth I predict a quagmire.
6 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 23, 2007 at 7:31 am
Scott! I haven’t even read all of yesterday’s comments.
UN retaliation is to run over the enemy as they (the UN) head for the hills
7 camojack // Mar 23, 2007 at 7:54 am
What are they going to Ban next?!
8 camojack // Mar 23, 2007 at 8:00 am
Ban roll-on deodorant!!!
9 Shelly // Mar 23, 2007 at 8:04 am
camojack, that’s the French not the UN.
10 camojack // Mar 23, 2007 at 8:43 am
Shelly, I think they ban all types of deodorant…
11 seneuba // Mar 23, 2007 at 8:55 am
This is going to be really difficult for the U.N. since the most offensive weapon they had was Kofi Anan….and he’s gone!
12 Darthmeister // Mar 23, 2007 at 10:31 am
Retaliation? What, the UN Chief is going to throw the scandal-tainted Iraqi oil-for-food money at Iran? Hey, money talks … and talks … and talks …
13 Darthmeister // Mar 23, 2007 at 10:31 am
I found Anan pretty offensive, too, seneuba.
14 GnuCarSmell // Mar 23, 2007 at 10:34 am
Who knew the mild-mannered Mr. Ban had this “other side”? He will soon teach the impudent dogs what it means to be ki-mooned.
15 timcopeland1 // Mar 23, 2007 at 11:24 am
Scott Ott is an IDI OTT.
16 Possumtrot // Mar 23, 2007 at 7:40 pm
And assuming any sort of mythical “action” might transpire under the aegis of the UN, who do you suppose would be tasked with leading the mission?
This truly laughable, but for all the wrong reasons.
17 Rogue100 // Mar 24, 2007 at 2:07 am
No thanks. I worked with the UN blue helmeted rump rangers. They’d only be good as moving targets to test our weapons.
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