(2006-05-15) — As President George Bush prepared to address the nation tonight on the subject of immigration, an unnamed member of the White House press corps discovered a discarded, handwritten draft of the speech in a waste basket near the Oval Office.

The White House refused to authenticate or disavow the document, which only served in increase the credibility of the text among journalists.

The following is the alleged text of the president’s immigration speech:

Good evening my fellow Americans, and those of you from other lands who are pursuing U.S. citizenship legally. Tonight I’ve come to praise immigration, not to bury it.

This nation was built through the blood and toil of restless refugees yearning to breathe free. Our canvas has been painted in a thousand shades of humanity. Our national language reverberates with the sweet song of innumerable accents. It’s a vibrant symphony that brings unity from diversity.

We are a nation of laws, not of men. That’s what sets us apart from the monarchies, dictatorships and democracies-in-name-only. Our Republic was founded to protect the weak from the strong, and to defend the rights of the individual in his person and property.

Americans remember where we came from, and so we’re a merciful people. America is the land of second chances.

And so, if you sneaked into our great country-like a thief in the night-to take for yourself the benefits of citizenship without bearing the burdens that come with that high position, I have a message for you tonight.

On behalf of all legal U.S. citizens past, present and future, let me say this: ‘Get off of our land. Get out of our country. We’re giving you a second chance to do the right thing.’

If you have difficulty locating the exits, just ask any legal U.S. citizen and he’ll show you the door. If you linger too long, you’ll get an armed escort.

Once you have returned to your country of origin, you may apply to re-enter the United States legally.

It’s inconvenient. It’s slow. It will cost you. But as millions of naturalized citizens will tell you, it’s worth the wait to wake up each morning, to take a deep breath of freedom, and to hold in your heart the meaning of that old song: “This is my country. Land of my choice.”

God bless you as you start your new life in the bright sunshine of legal freedom.

And God bless the United States of America.