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Patriot Act, Global Jihad Get 6 Month Extensions

By Scott Ott, Editor-in-Chief, ScrappleFace.com
News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher.

(2005-12-22) — Just hours after the U.S. Senate voted to extend the Patriot Act for six months, al Qaeda released a statement declaring that it would extend its global terror war for the same period.

Al Qaeda’s governing body approved the extension to the Martyr Act, which had been slated to expire December 31, despite controversial provisions which some in the international terror community say pose a threat to civil rights, or at least open the door to potential abuses.

“We have to strike that delicate balance of achieving our strategic goals without limiting the liberty that our people value so much,” said an unnamed aide to al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “We’ll use this extension time to retool the Martyr Act in a way that addresses personal privacy concerns, without eviscerating our effectiveness.”

Critics of the Martyr Act contend that al Qaeda agents should have to show more evidence that a potential target is a threat to the establishment of a global Islamic Caliphate before they execute a suicide bombing, videotaped beheading or detonation of weapons of mass destruction.

“You have to have checks and balances,” the al Qaeda source said. “Otherwise, you have all of these independent cells out there terrorizing people with no cohesive vision. Someone in the chain of command has to have the authority to run a sanity check.”

The spokesman said six months should be enough time for “the hawks and the bleeding hearts to reach a reasonable compromise.”

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