(2005-07-26) — The Bush administration today unveiled revisions to the energy bill, currently moving through Congress, designed to decrease U.S. dependency on foreign petroleum.

Under the terms of the amended legislation, the United States would “defeat the Arabs and take their oil.”

Without such an amendment, the current energy bill would only slow the increase in U.S. dependency, which is projected to exceed 68 percent of domestic consumption by the year 2025.

Americans now get about 58 percent of their fossil fuels from other nations, almost all of which is burned in Sport Utility Vehicles during trips to children’s soccer practices.

Although the White House plan would not change the global oil distribution infrastructure, it would colonize Saudi Arabia as a U.S. territory, moving Saudi oil into the “domestic production” column.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said an unnamed White House spokesman. “After we invaded Iraq and got all of its oil we should have just turned the troops south and headed for Riyadh.”

Democrats in Congress immediately spoke out against the amendment, saying that annexing Saudi Arabia would make the U.S. responsible for the environmental devastation that oil drilling causes to the habitats of sand-based creatures.

“The horrors of ANWR pale in comparison,” said one unnamed Senate Democrat, referring to Bush administration plans to eliminate the caribou herd by drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge. “In Saudi Arabia, we’re talking about terrorizing desert snails, geckos and jerboa. Their blood would be on our hands.”