(2004-11-27) — Inspired by a public pledge from Ukrainian TV journalists to provide unbiased reporting from now on, CBS News has launched an internal investigation to assess the potential impact of such a move.

“If it tests well in our focus groups, you can bet that Dan Rather will break the story,” said an unnamed spokesman for CBS. “We’re always looking to improve our bronze-medal broadcast, but you can understand why were cautious. This new theory of news coverage would require massive re-staffing here and at our bureaus around the world.”

The CBS source added that if the other U.S. networks didn’t follow suit, and begin removing the bias from their newscasts, “we’re going to look like a bunch of liars, and we’ll be virtually alone. Other than Fox News, we have no empirical evidence to suggest that integrity and balance is a profitable marketing position to own. The concept is too new, too cutting edge.”