(2004-11-24) — Faced with the constitutional prohibition against teaching about the Christian origins of Thanksgiving in public schools, the Maryland State Department of Education has rewritten its curriculum, and renamed the holiday ‘Lucky Thursday’.

Starting in 2005, ‘Lucky Thursday’ lessons in public schools will instruct children in the random, yet fortuitous, events which led a band of deranged religious fanatics (called Pilgrims) to beach their boat on an unexpected continent where the native people stumbled upon, then rescued them.

“The Pilgrims jumped on a boat, spun the wheel of fortune, and whammo…they ended up here,” said an unnamed professor at the University of Maryland who directed the curriculum adjustment project. “Then they knelt in the sand and thanked their lucky stars.”

Donald Trump, whose casino operations declared bankruptcy earlier this week, has promised to provide dice, cards and other instructional tools to help reinforce the curricular concept that “We’re Americans because biology accidentally collided with geography.”