Flu Threat Spurs Kerry to Suspend Campaign
By Scott Ott, Editor-in-Chief, ScrappleFace.com
News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher.
(2004-10-19) — America’s flu vaccine crisis claimed its first victim today as John Forbes Kerry preemptively suspended his presidential campaign in an attempt to slow the advance of the impending epidemic.
“I defended this country as a young man in Vietnam, and I will defend this country now from the terrifying specter of influenza,” said Mr. Kerry, a professional Vietnam veteran and distiguished war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator. “At my last rally, I shook hands with hundreds of people, many of whom routinely sneeze into those very hands. So, in a sense, I took part in atrocities, in that I engaged in a kind of bioterrorism or germ warfare, potentially ravaging entire local populations of Democrats in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan.”
Mr. Kerry said his campaign would “remain on hiatus until every man, woman and child in this country receives a free vaccination and a year’s supply of hand soap and Kleenex.”
A spokesman said Mr. Kerry’s absence from the campaign trail is just an extension of what he has done to protect his colleagues in the senate for the past year.
“Sen. Kerry believes that all Americans are entitled to the same healthcare that senators get,” the source noted.
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